GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

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Today is Good Friday, but it has not been good for me.  I just got into a stupid argument with my mom because she wanted to show me a video that I really didn’t want to watch but I begrudgingly did as to not hurt her previous fucking feelings.  Points off for being considerate, right Colton you fucking moron?  Anyway, she showed me this video of this guy who apparently used to be a terrorist or something and then found God, but the way he was telling his story was so incoherent and confusing that I brought it up to my mom and then she was all like “I don’t understand why you are so confused about this.  This is not a big deal.”  Her words really upset me because she’s my mom and she’s supposed to know what I’m thinking and react appropriately 100% of the time, right?  So, I started getting really upset and then I storm up to my room mid-conversation, slam the door behind me, turn on my computer and start typing this story on this website.

So, yeah, I’m mad.  I’m mad at my mom for not reacting the way I wanted her to and for not being able to read my fucking mind.  I’m mad because this week has actually been really good, and prior to begrudgingly watching this video for my mom’s sake I was actually in a really good mood.  I slept well last night, and this morning I read some new comments on my old posts that were encouraging.  But now, I’m unreasonably angry because of one small argument over the fact that I am an immature cunt and my mom showed me a video I did not understand when I just wanted to go up to my room at watch Netflix and she did not react the way I wanted her to.  I should’ve just told her no.  Then she and I wouldn’t have argued and I would be in a good mood like I was this morning.

So, yeah, I’m mad and I’m immature.  I’m still mad at my mom even though she did nothing wrong and I’m mad at myself for being stupid and acting childish (don’t write down in the comments that I’m not stupid or childish.  I know I am.  In fact, I would feel better if you guys insulted me and reminded me of my shortcomings in the comments).I

I don’t want comfort.  I just want to wallow in anger and self-pity right now and yell.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!


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17 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Colton,

    It’s totally reasonable to get frustrated when you are struggling to articulate how you feel. I saw that you have made posts since this, so I won’t go too into detail until I read the most recent one. Try to remember that your mom loves you, and I’m sure she genuinely wants to know how you feel. If you are struggling to articulate your feelings yourself, perhaps try journaling or expressing your emotions through art so that it is easier for you to share your emotions.

  2. Jess Volunteer

    It’s okay to be angry and frustrated and feel stupid! It happens to all of us, trust me. I get mad at my husband sometimes for what seems to be the dumbest stuff. You have to remember that everything you feel is valid. Yes, it might be kind of silly in retrospect, and you can look back and reflect on that, apologize, and move on. (Which I did read your next post and saw that you did exactly that – kudos.) Sometimes, even when we’re having a good day, small things can set us off, and that’s valid. Just keep working on you. That’s all any of us can ask of you, including your mother. Stay strong and keep fighting. Let us know if there’s anything else we can do for you. Thank you for continuing to update us. We’re always here. <3
    -Jess

  3. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi colton95,

    I am sorry that you are frustrated! I know that can be difficult and it happens to all of us at times I think. It is 100% okay to not be okay for a little while. It is okay to be frustrated and upset, even if it is at something that doesn’t seem super worth it when looking back on it. Wanting to scream and act a little stupid can sometimes help us feel better! Know you are always welcome to come here to share your story and what is bothering you! We are on your side and we want the best for you! Stay strong and keep holding on!! 🙂

    Natalie

  4. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi colton95,
    First, I’d like to say that I don’t think you’re immature. Strong feels can come up and cause us to act in ways we normally wouldn’t and that’s okay. You became upset over watching that video and it sounds like your mom didn’t understand why. I hope that you’ve been able to relax and watch some Netflix and hopefully feel a little better about the whole situation. I know you want us to insult you and I’m not going to do that because you’re not stupid or childish. You don’t deserve to be insulted. You had a bad day and that’s part of being human and especially dealing with trauma. I hope you were able to do whatever you needed to do to release the anger you were feeling and I hope to see that things are better with your next update.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I understand how you feel. Sometimes we have those days when we’re more reactive than usual. Even though our parents aren’t mind readers, it can be hard when they don’t understand our point of view. Yet simultaneously, it’s difficult for us to tell them how we feel sometimes, which can make this confusing. When they say things like, “This is not a big deal,” it may sound like they’re brushing us off. Sometimes when we hear these things, it could feel like they’re not trying to understand how we’re feeling. That can hurt, especially when we’re in a particularly reactive mood.
    I’m glad that you’re recognizing how you feel instead of bottling it up. That can help us so much, and we can understand what exactly bothers us and figure out how to feel better. Also, I completely understand that desire to yell.
    I hope that venting here helped you feel better. We’re here for you whenever you need us.

  6. Marissa Day Captain

    I know you said to ignore this post, but I wanted to pop in really quick and let you know that your feelings are valid. Feelings don’t always make sense. Sometimes I have no idea what’s going on in my head! You’re allowed to be angry about things, and it’s a really huge step that you realize that your anger (at your mom, at least) may not be warranted. I think that will help you deal with it, eventually! But for now, keep venting to us. I hope it’s been helping!

  7. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hey Colton,

    I completely get the feelings. It’s normal and valid to have a reaction like that, all things considered. Life has a way of piling things on. Know that we are here to hear you out and assist you in venting any way possible. I hope this helped a little bit and I hope you’re in a better head space now. We’re all on your side.

    Peace and love,

    Andy

  8. daisychains8891 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated. Wanting to yell and scream is a totally normal reaction. Please keep reaching out for help! Stay strong!
    Leah

  9. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear you feel like this , it can be very frustrating and I understand wanting to vent or yell/scream. Hopefully venting here to us helped. Stay strong !

    -Brianna

  10. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi Colton,

    I’m sorry that you and your mom fought, and that you are upset. Letting your anger out here may help. Stay strong!

    Carmen

  11. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Colton95,

    You’re right, your mom cannot read your mind all the time and she can’t react perfectly all the time either. But that doesn’t mean that situation wasn’t still frustrating to you. I know I have some days where it seems like no matter what happens, big or small things, I get frustrated and annoyed for what seems like no reason. It happens to all of us sometimes. I wish I knew why too. On those days, I usually just try to keep in mind that I’m just having a day and not to be too harsh on myself or other people until I get over the mood I’m in. I hope it helped that you were able to vent on here. A lot of the time just getting it out instead of holding everything in can be a huge relief.

    No matter how small you think something is, you’re always free to post on here.
    Megan

  12. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear you feel like this , it can be very frustrating and I understand wanting to vent or yell/scream. Hopefully venting here to us helped. Stay strong !

    -Brianna

  13. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I can definitely relate to this post! This is such a frustrating scenario and I do exactly what you just did, vent. I vent, write, cry and sleep. However, you have done a pure self-reflection in this post which I envy you for. You have highlighted areas at which you may improve which is SO hard. That shows your strength. I’m glad you found comfort in sharing your feelings here and I hope that everything falls into place.

    Stay strong!

  14. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m sorry this happened and that you’re upset. Hopefully venting here helped-we are here for you!

    Erin

  15. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Colton95,

    I hear you. I sometimes throw myself what I call ‘pity parties’ and I ask my close family and friends to just let me have that time. Let me wallow in anger and self-pity. It can be hard for others to understand, but I get it. I know that frustration that you felt when your mom wanted you to watch that video but you just needed that time. I get that, you’re not alone. I hope that you’re feeling better and can move on from this. Sometimes I find it helpful to focus on things I enjoy after throwing myself one of these “parties”. You have to do what is best for you sometimes.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  16. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I’m sorry your mad. I know how annoying it is with parents not handling things the way you want them to. Just remember to breath and then speak. If you tell her how you feel she will hopefully react better. This is all part of the healing process though. You are strong. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
    -Alyssa

  17. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Colton,

    Dude, I can so relate! There have been times where I’ve been working back from a challenging situation, and then a close someone doesn’t see eye-to-eye with me and I lose it. But it’s cool. The process of progress and healing and whatever you are going through has its ups and downs I think. I love that you are comfortable expressing yourself. I hope you don’t stay mad at yourself, though. Maybe, when you are up to it, have another chat with your mom. But it is great that you have emotions, are expressive and are working through all this. The maturity comes in time. Throw on some good music, eat some ice cream and keep working on yourself. That’s what has helped me. We are glad you share with us and continue to grow!

    Ryan