I think I’ve been stuffing down my feelings just to get through each day. In the past few years, I’ve been better at acknowledging my feelings and coming up with solutions, but that has not been easy for me in the past couple of weeks.
I’m upset today. I think I’m overwhelmed about what’s going on in the world, not feeling social (I’m in an internship in which we have a lot of meetings. It’s a great internship, but I’m usually tired of talking at the end of each day), missing my friends, and dealing with my insecurities. I’ve been feeling like this for a week or two. I’ve been quieter around my family because the weight of everything is exhausting.
My parents were asking me what was wrong, and I didn’t want to tell them. I told them that nothing was wrong, and they kept pushing me to tell them. Eventually, they got upset with me for not telling them. They told me I wasn’t acting like an adult and that there was no point of looking upset if I wasn’t going to tell them the reason.
I know they want to know what’s going on. However, when they keep asking for the reason after I put a boundary in place, I feel even less inclined to tell them. It feels like a violation of my boundaries, if that makes sense. I explained that to them. They asked me this: if I was in their place (and they were in mine), wouldn’t I want to know what was going on with them? I would. However, if they made it clear that they didn’t want to talk, I wouldn’t keep asking. I would check on them throughout the day, but I wouldn’t keep asking for the reason. They didn’t seem to understand; they seemed to think that I wouldn’t care at all, which isn’t true. I don’t want to disrespect people’s boundaries. I want people to voluntarily confide in me instead of feeling pressured to explain what’s going on.
I don’t tell them why I’m upset because I feel they’ll invalidate me, and I’m especially sensitive to invalidation from them. They’ve told me in so many ways – directly and indirectly – that I’m too sensitive. I guess not telling them how I feel is a way of protecting myself. Now I’m thinking that I could have explained the reason why I don’t talk about my feelings. Maybe it would have opened up a conversation. I feel bad about not telling them the reason, and I keep wondering if I was being immature.
I kind of feel frustrated with myself about how I’ve been handling everything. I know that my feelings are valid, but I keep doubting myself and wondering if I’m too sensitive. I’m trying to be better at communicating and listening, and I think I’m doing okay when it comes to the people I trust. It’s really difficult with the people I don’t trust. I’m also thinking, “communication is great, but what if the other person isn’t willing to listen?”
That’s where I’m at right now. I’ll try my best to focus on the good things and schedule in some time for myself. It might help me feel better.