I guess i just wanted to make a small update.
Ive had a lot of sort of on and off days lately, flashbacks here and there, but its been pretty alright besides that.
Im working on a painting for my therapist. The clinic is part of an awareness event for sexual abuse happening near me in a couple weeks and my therapist asked me to do a painting of a sort of “feeling map” of my journey through recovery over my last year since i started therapy with her to put up at the event. I was really nervous about the event, my therapist said its optional, but i still really want to go. My boyfriend agreed to go with me cuz i was so nervous and im happy i wont be alone!
Ive been listening to a lot of true crime podcasts, maybe i talked abt this before, im not sure, but i keep being drawn into listening to stories about child sexual abuse. Its weird. Its like im obssessed w what happened to me and i keep trying to surround myself w it over and over and i dont understand. When i told my therapist she said im just trying to work through stuff. I dont know. But i keep listening to episodes about it or watching documentaries constantly. I always start picking at my own story, thinking about how different it is from most, and thinking about how it makes it less plausible or something.
My neighbor wasnt someone i was close to, he was someone i was told not to go near. He wasnt charming and friendly, he was mean and physically frightening. He didnt keep me there and coming back to be raped over and over again by counteracting it with kindness or giving me gifts, he kept me coming back out of fear that someone else would be hurt if i didnt. He groomed me, yes, but it wasnt the way i hear other kids get groomed. I wasnt given gifts, he didnt try to make me like him, he didnt do anything like that. I just fell into it all, and he kept me there with threats, and he made me watch what happened to his own son. I know thats grooming too. I know the days i spent just watching A get molested without ever being touched myself was also grooming, my therapist said so, but it just feels so different.
All i ever hear are stories of kids who had a close family friend or something who was so close to them start doing things after they have their trust. He had none of my trust, only fear, and confusion. Maybe it was because i was younger than the stories i always hear about, i wasnt 10 or 12, i was like 5. I dont know if that matters. I wish i didnt keep doing this and second guessing what happened to me as if theres ever any sort of sense to make of something like that. They dont all happen the same way. They dont all make sense. I dont need them to make sense. I dont need the facts and details of my abuse to fit into a box thats more managable. It wasnt managable to the 5 yr old child subjected to it, so if someone hears my story and thinks it sounds impossible – or if i reread my own story and doubt my own memories – it just doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if its not believed because i knownit happened even if i have no proof besides my own memories.