My life is changing so much so quickly.
Me and my boyfriend finally moved away from my mom for his job. Were only in the place we are now for another week or two tho then off to somewhere else.
I kind of hate it tho. My boyfriends friends and coworkers scare me.
One of them tried to break into the room the other day while i was alone. He came home just in time to catch the guy and we almost got kicked out of the hotel but luckily the hotel manager believed me when i said i was almost attacked. I was so scared.
I always tell my bf abt how scared i am i will taken and it felt like it almost happened.
We even called the cops. I wanted to press charges. I was so so scared but they said because he never went in the room and never threatened anything they couldnt do anything.
My bf was pissed. But he forgave him. I still havent. im still terrified of him. i dont know what he wanted. maybe he just wanted a fight with my bf but it was scary. it felt like it was about me but maybe thats a victim complex. i dont know.
im scared of being around his friends. its just a lot of adult men. everywhere. and im so little and i cant stand a chance. im scared of all of them. i stay in my room all day too afraid to leave the hotel. i managed to walk to a store and back a couple days ago but it was incredibly terrifying. i dont have a car right now either and i need to go to a different store tomorrow but im afraid to be in a cab alone. everything is so scary. absolutely everything.
ive been unable to have sex with my bf too. i think its because my anxiety has been so bad lately. i just cant relax and i end up bleeding and it hurts. then if i tell him to stop i feel bad for depriving him of sex. i feel like im broken because i cant do it right. i dont know why i bleed every single time. he always says it must be his fault but i think i need to see a doctor. im scared to see a doctor tho. im scared of absolutely everything right now.
i spend all day on my chair with my stuffed aligator (his name is Saltine) listening to podcasts and playing on my phone. i do that all day and all night. i wake up with a start every morning like im waking up from a nightmare but ive not been having nightmares. im just instantly afraid as soon as im awake. im paranoid of every sound.
ive been dissociating so badly too
oh and my bf got detained with his coworkers a week ago overnight and couldnt call me and i panicked for nearly 20 hrs straight i didnt sleep all night i was convinced his crazy coworker killed him
and i cant talk about anything thats going on to anybody, not my friends, not my therapist, no one. because all they want to talk about is how they think my bf is abusive and bad and i need to get away. they act like i am afraid to leave him. but he is the only one who makes me feel safe. he scares me sometimes when he is angry at people he says a lot of violent things he wants to do to them and i have to cry and beg him to stop saying he is going to hurt people. he does worry me sometimes. but he isnt all there either. hes really detatched from reality. and he is definitely an alcholic and when he drinks be says those things but he never says them when he is sober so i dont take them serious. he says he has done so many bad things but i catch him lying and changing the story about them so i dont think he did. i really dont.
i dont like feeling like everyone thinks i am stupid or blinded by love. i see the red flags. but all flags are red to me. i see something to fear in everyone. at least what i fear about him is towards others. i know he wants to protect me.
even tho he made up with the guy who tried to break in in me its only because they have to work and travel together. he doesnt hang out with him the same way anymore.
that guy is always drunk and always says mean things to me and makes me feel so stupid. hes a bad person and i dont like him. im glad they arent friends anymore.
it doesnt make me stop being so scared tho.