My life is changing so much so quickly.

Me and my boyfriend finally moved away from my mom for his job. Were only in the place we are now for another week or two tho then off to somewhere else. 

I kind of hate it tho. My boyfriends friends and coworkers scare me. 

One of them tried to break into the room the other day while i was alone. He came home just in time to catch the guy and we almost got kicked out of the hotel but luckily the hotel manager believed me when i said i was almost attacked. I was so scared. 

I always tell my bf abt how scared i am i will taken and it felt like it almost happened. 

We even called the cops. I wanted to press charges. I was so so scared but they said because he never went in the room and never threatened anything they couldnt do anything. 

My bf was pissed. But he forgave him. I still havent. im still terrified of him. i dont know what he wanted. maybe he just wanted a fight with my bf but it was scary. it felt like it was about me but maybe thats a victim complex. i dont know. 

im scared of being around his friends. its just a lot of adult men. everywhere. and im so little and i cant stand a chance. im scared of all of them. i stay in my room all day too afraid to leave the hotel. i managed to walk to a store and back a couple days ago but it was incredibly terrifying. i dont have a car right now either and i need to go to a different store tomorrow but im afraid to be in a cab alone. everything is so scary. absolutely everything. 

ive been unable to have sex with my bf too. i think its because my anxiety has been so bad lately. i just cant relax and i end up bleeding and it hurts. then if i tell him to stop i feel bad for depriving him of sex. i feel like im broken because i cant do it right. i dont know why i bleed every single time. he always says it must be his fault but i think i need to see a doctor. im scared to see a doctor tho. im scared of absolutely everything right now. 

i spend all day on my chair with my stuffed aligator (his name is Saltine) listening to podcasts and playing on my phone. i do that all day and all night. i wake up with a start every morning like im waking up from a nightmare but ive not been having nightmares. im just instantly afraid as soon as im awake. im paranoid of every sound. 

ive been dissociating so badly too

oh and my bf got detained with his coworkers a week ago overnight and couldnt call me and i panicked for nearly 20 hrs straight i didnt sleep all night i was convinced his crazy coworker killed him

and i cant talk about anything thats going on to anybody, not my friends, not my therapist, no one. because all they want to talk about is how they think my bf is abusive and bad and i need to get away. they act like i am afraid to leave him. but he is the only one who makes me feel safe. he scares me sometimes when he is angry at people he says a lot of violent things he wants to do to them and i have to cry and beg him to stop saying he is going to hurt people. he does worry me sometimes. but he isnt all there either. hes really detatched from reality. and he is definitely an alcholic and when he drinks be says those things but he never says them when he is sober so i dont take them serious. he says he has done so many bad things but i catch him lying and changing the story about them so i dont think he did. i really dont. 

i dont like feeling like everyone thinks i am stupid or blinded by love. i see the red flags. but all flags are red to me. i see something to fear in everyone. at least what i fear about him is towards others. i know he wants to protect me. 

even tho he made up with the guy who tried to break in in me its only because they have to work and travel together. he doesnt hang out with him the same way anymore. 

that guy is always drunk and always says mean things to me and makes me feel so stupid. hes a bad person and i dont like him. im glad they arent friends anymore. 

it doesnt make me stop being so scared tho. 


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39 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi soundscape,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are scared of your boyfriend’s friends and coworkers. That sounds scary that someone was trying to break into your room. It’s frustrating that your boyfriend forgave that friend. What he did was wrong and I hope you don’t have to be around that person anymore. Have you told your boyfriend that you don’t enjoy hanging out with these people around? He shouldn’t be putting you into situations that make you feel uncomfortable. You don’t owe your boyfriend sex, if you don’t feel like you want to you never have to. It does sound like your boyfriend needs to work on himself a bit. If you see the red flags maybe you could take some space instead of breaking up and go live with friends or family. It’s going to be tough on your mental health if you are in a position where you are scared all the time. We have some resources here: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ and it might be a good idea to try and talk with someone who makes you feel safe. You deserve that.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for updating us. It definitely sounds scary having your boyfriend’s coworker try to break in to your room. Not knowing that your boyfriend got detained is absolutely terrifying. Being left alone in a hotel room without being able to contact your boyfriend is scary.It’s terrible that you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone you know about what’s happening right now. You deserve to have people you know you can share anything to without being judged. We’re always here for you if you’d like to update us again. Take care.

  3. musicislove

    Hi Soundscape,

    I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time right now. It’s completely understandable to be afraid of the person that tried to break in to your room, that sounds nerve-wracking, especially since you were by yourself at the time. I’m glad that your boyfriend showed up when he did but I’m sorry the hotel you’re at wasn’t more helpful about the whole situation, that had to be frustrating. I get nervous around adult men too so I understand your scared feelings, when people go through trauma it affects so much and changes how we see things and people. I’m glad your sharing on here since you don’t feel comfortable talking to your friends or therapist about what’s going on. It sucks when you try to talk about something bothering you and they only focus on what they already think. Just know we’re always here and will always listen! I know it’s scary seeing doctors but if you can it might be a good idea to make sure nothing is wrong. Thank you for trusting us and please come back anytime.

    Delaney

  4. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. You don’t deserve to feel scared like that. It might make you feel a bit more at ease to block the door with something whenever your boyfriend leaves. I agree that you should see a doctor about the bleeding. You can specifically request to have a female doctor if that would help with the fear of going. That’s what I do, and it helps a lot. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  5. loveishere2020 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape – You always have me to talk to through this site. You will get through this, not alone, but with us and help. Listen, you know what you need to do to better your situation so I am not going to tell you what you already know. What I do want to tell you is that I used to bleed every time I had sex too. I went to the doctor and found out I had a large cyst on my ovary causing the bleeding. Please get to a doctor, okay? This is just a suggestion as I am not a doctor and cannot provide medical advice. I’m just sharing my own story with you. I want you to feel better.

    I think you are safe around your boyfriend because you think you have nowhere else to go. This is a false idea. You have access to the internet. Lookup a domestic violence shelter and they will help you. You may not be being physically abused, but you are mentally abused.

    Soundscape, keep Saltine in your arms and repeat to yourself, “I am strong. I am love. I will get through this.”

    Stay safe,
    Hollie

  6. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for sharing what happened. It must have been terrifying and devastating to go through that and your feelings are completely understandable and justified. It must be exhausting to carry all of this on your shoulders and I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. You deserve to feel safe and you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. If you ever need to speak to someone text VOICE to 741-741 to speak to a trained counselor.

  7. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. I know you don’t feel safe talking with anybody because they just tell you that your boyfriend is bad for you, but I am happy that you can write to us on here and that you feel safe in doing this. It seems like you are coming to the realization that your boyfriend can’t keep you safe if he is busy working and that you feel in danger when he is not around. I know that you are in an unfamiliar area, but it might be a good idea to look into some sort of self defense class. Many places are offering these to women for cheap or free of charge. Doing this if you can may help you feel like you are more prepared if something does happen and may also make you feel more confident about things like taking a cab alone or leaving your hotel room. You deserve to feel safe, but only you can figure out what you need to make you feel safe. Thank you for speaking on here and you know that we are here whenever you need us!

  8. meg Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It’s been a few days since you’ve posted this, but I want to check in. Update us when you can. How are you feeling going out to the stores? I think going to the doctor is a smart idea, they can help find a solution. I was going through a similar situation and found that meditating in the morning and before bed for 10 minutes at a time with the app Headspace was super helpful. It gave me time to check in with my body and my brain. Maybe give that a shot when you first sit down with Saltine? (Best name ever by the way) I would definitely recommend checking out our FIND HELP tab for free resources for therapists. I think having an unbiased source would help you navigate what has happened and what is causing your disassociation and anxiety. You are doing so well. You’ve got this. We love and believe you.
    -Meg

  9. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    It takes a whole lot of courage to be able to step out of ones comfort zone! I’m glad you are finding the courage! Thanks for returning to share. You matter & are worth it to find happiness. It breaks my heart hearing that you are walking in silence & no one is listening! I’m so sorry that everyone seems to focus on what’s healthy or not with your bf, rather than taking time to listen to your cries. It’s good that your bf is sensitive to your needs regarding being sexual. Maybe while he’s out, you can block the door with a wedge of some sort. I’m sorry that you are living in fear not from bf, but his friends, & the surroundings. You shouldn’t have to live that way. You deserve the right to feel safe no matter where you are! Moving to a new location is stressful enough, but adding outside factors can lead to a variety of other issues. As far as disassociating, I believe that it’s your minds way of protecting you. If you’re able to, try keeping track of when you disassociate (like writing down moments you last remember, or what was going on before the disassociation occurs). This way, if & when you are able to find a therapist (unless you already have one), that will give you a starting point. Take things one step at a time, take some deep breaths, & go day to day. You can get through this because I believe in your strength & also believe in you! Keep on keeping on because you are worth the fight!
    Dawn

  10. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I am so sorry that you are going through these things, it sounds like a lot is going on in this new place. It is not okay that your boyfriend’s friend tried to break into your room, there is absolutely no justification for such a thing to of happened. I am just happy to hear that he did not hurt you physically. In order to ease some of your anxiety, have you tried to block the door with a chair? This would make it harder to open. In regards to being unable to have sex with your boyfriend, this does not make you broken. You are under a lot of stress and anxiety at the moment, so it is completely understandable that you and your body are not interested in having sex.

    You are so brave and strong. Please come back to share with us anytime, we are always here for you!
    – Lex

  11. JWorks Volunteer

    Hey,
    I’m sorry about everything that’s going on. Know that we’re here for you and that we all care. Have you looked into different methods of therapy or perhaps a new therapist? I’m by no means a professional but hopefully this offers a new thought. Also, if you feel unsafe at home, do you have any places of refuge?

    -Jay

  12. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing this update with us. I am so sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way. It must be very difficult to deal with. If you ever feel you need to talk to someone who may be a bit more impartial about things happening in your life, you can text VOICE to 741-741 anytime, 24/7. The way you are feeling about the situation is very valid. Any person would be very scared if someone tried to break into their hotel room. It may be worth thinking about finding a new therapist? What do you think about this? Someone new to talk with might be refreshing! Check out our resources tab for some things that may be helpful for you

    Please stay safe, and remember we are here for you!

    Stay strong,
    -Natalie

  13. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    I am really sorry to hear about everything that you have been experiencing lately. I’m also sorry to hear that the one place it sounds like you’ve felt safe was broken into. I hope that the place you move to afterward will be safer for you. Maybe the new location will help you feel more comfortable when you go out. I’m proud of you for going out and hope that each time you do so it builds a little more confidence and reduces your anxiety. I understand that your boyfriend has to work with his coworkers, but I hope that he continues to be respectful of the fact that they were not kind to you and that you do not want to interact with them. It sounds like you have spoken with friends and a therapist in the past and it has not been the best experience, which is unfortunate but I hope that there is someone out there you can confide in. Maybe it would be worth it to find a new therapist? It sounds like you can talk to your boyfriend about things, but it also sounds like you have had some issues there so it would be good to be able to talk to someone about that too. If you were feeling like you need to go to the doctor, that could be your first starting point in going out again and looking for someone you can trust. The doctor may also have some recommendations for you about therapy options as well. If you are feeling the most comfortable being at home with Saltine (such a cute name) right now then please do so until you feel like you are ready to venture out a little more. However, there is no timetable for when you need to do this so please don’t beat yourself up about it. I hope that this upcoming week is a better one for you. Please reach out as often as you need to. We are all hoping for the best for you!

  14. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, Soundscape-

    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot in your life right now. It was brave of you to reach out and post about these things. I see many others below offered tips for keeping yourself safe in a hotel room or to reach out to certain organizations when you feel in danger. I wanted to offer one more, just in case. It is a free service, the Crisis Textline. They are available 24/7. You just text anything to 741741. Many people seem to enjoy using this because you are connected with a crisis counselor and they are able to talk with you through your fear and also provide resources for specific issues you are dealing with. I am a Crisis Counselor for the CTL and I talk with all different types of people going through so many different issues in life.

    You deserve a place in this world and it is strong of you to desire a better lifestyle for yourself. Keep fighting the good fight. We’re here, cheering you on!

    Take care,
    Adrian

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for posting again. I’m happy to hear that you got away from your mom! But I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time by yourself in this new place. There are some things you could do to barricade your door, like wedging a chair under the doorknob or getting a rubber door stopper and wedging it under the door from the inside. That way, it would make it a lot harder for anyone to get in! And then you could verify that it’s your boyfriend any time someone tries to get in. I don’t know if that would put you at ease at all, but it might help to add a little bit of extra security!
    (I found this site: https://www.tripsavvy.com/ways-to-secure-your-hotel-room-3260236 )

    Do you have pepper spray or anything to protect yourself for when you’re out of the room going to the store? It wouldn’t hurt to have, even if you never use it! That might help you feel a little safer when you’re out and about. Maybe call the hotel front desk and ask them to send someone to escort you out of the building so you aren’t alone? And then hop directly into a cab with your pepper spray ready in case you need it?

    Whatever you end up doing, please just be safe. It sounds like you’re very aware of your surroundings which is NEVER a bad thing. I’m sorry you’re so scared and I hope that feeling subsides soon. Like lizzi said, you deserve to live a happy life. Just take things one step at a time and you will get through this. You’re so strong! Let us know if you need anything. We’re here for you!

    Marissa

  16. lizzi

    Hey Soundscape,
    I hear the anxiety in your writing and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’re going through a lot of changes right now very quickly, and that can be stressful for anyone. But it sounds like such a scary experience you went through with someone trying to break into your room. I’m glad that he didn’t get in and harm you. I wish that more could have been done to protect you. Would it be possible for your boyfriend to not have his friends come to where you’re staying, since he knows that they make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe? He can see them at work or away from the hotel, but maybe they don’t need to be hanging around where you’re living so that you can feel some comfort in that. I understand seeing red flags all the time, and I’m sure it’s hard to hear people judge your boyfriend for possibly being abusive. You are the only one that gets to decide if he’s abusive to you, but I also wish you had people in your life to talk to about everything you’re going through. You shouldn’t have to keep it all to yourself because they don’t support you being with your boyfriend. I hope things get better for you soon, and that you can stop feeling so scared. You deserve to be happy and live a life free of fear.

  17. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. I’m so sorry you have to go through these things and feel the way you do right now. I understand the unsettling and conflicting thoughts that may be going through your mind right now. I can’t imagine how scary it must have been when your boyfriend’s co-worker tried to break into your room. I hear you when you see that you generally see red flags in everyone and I completely understand where you’re coming from. That being said, all the things you’re feeling right now is just a part of your healing journey and at the end of the day, as long as you are actively involved in bettering your mental health and focusing on your personal growth, all these things will automatically begin to make sense and fall into their rightful places. You are the best decision-maker for yourself and you are entitled to the way you feel. We’re all here to support you through this journey. All the love.

  18. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    I’m so sorry that you are going through these things right now. I understand the stress and fear you feel. I’m sorry that you feel trapped and obligated to stay in your room all day. Please know we are always here to listen to you. You can reach out to us anytime. Also if you ever find yourself in crisis please don’t hesitate to text our crisis text line by sending VOICE to 741741. You can be connected to someone right away. Also please feel free to explore our resource page. There are many wonderful organizations that may be local and able to offer you additional support in your new location. I love the name Saltine for your alligator friend. Very creative!

    All the best,
    Becca

  19. Ashley Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to tell us about what has been going on, Soundscape.

    It’s not okay that your boyfriend’s co-worker tried to break into the room; he shouldn’t have done that at all. I wish that he wouldn’t have placed you in a situation where you felt terrified. Nobody has the right to say cruel things to you or make you feel stupid.
    Although it was uncomfortable to walk to the store, I commend you for having the courage to step outside of your comfort zone and I’m glad you had a safe return.
    In regards to being unable to have sex, it sounds like your boyfriend listens and is understanding when you ask him to stop. I encourage you to show compassion towards yourself because you aren’t broken. I’m glad that you have Saltine to keep you company throughout the day while you listen to podcasts and play on your phone. When you have talked to your friends and therapist about what’s going on, I’m thinking it would have been nice for them to focus more on your emotions instead of on your relationship.

    We’re here for you.

    Ashley

  20. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Soundscape,

    It’s great to have you back for another update. You’re right, it does sound like life is changing quickly! There’s certainly a lot going on right now, but I know you’re strong and capable of handling anything that comes your way.

    I’m sorry to hear about the recent events when he tried to break into the room. That really is a scary thing to happen! I would be scared too, you’re feelings are valid. I’m also sorry to hear about the recent anxiety you’ve been experiencing lately too. There are certainly a lot of reasons to be anxious lately, but I know you’re strong and capable. I hope that you take some time and be kind to yourself, as you deserve it. You are on a healing journey and you are always making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are very brave for coming here and sharing your fears wit us. I hope you find our responses soothing and that you have a better week this week.

    Please be sure to come by again to share more with us, we’re always here!

  21. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. All of your feelings are valid, and I’m sorry that you have had to go through so many tough things. I hope you can find a friend or therapist who you feel comfortable talking with. As always, we are here for you when you need to talk to someone!

  22. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    You aren’t stupid or blinded by love. And you don’t need to about “denying” him sex. It is your right to say no and he must understand. If you aren’t feeling it now, listen to your body. I hope you are able to be honest with boyfriend. He seems like he would be understanding. If you feel getting help is the right option, I hope you find the strength to do so. We are always here for you.

    Ryan

  23. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I think it was really powerful when you said “I see the red flags but all flags are red to me.” I can understand how people can misunderstand your experience. On the one hand, they may think you are too afraid or they may wonder if you are, as you say, “blinded by love.” But of course the real challenge is trying to figure out the real red flags from the false ones. And given the behavior of your boyfriend’s friends, as well as the changes in location, you have plenty of reason to be reasonably worried about a lot that is going on. You aren’t stupid. You’ve been through a lot and you have a lot going on. It isn’t unreasonable to be scared. You’re smart and you’re brave and you have fought through so much. And you can get through this too. As you navigate this world of red flags, remember you are not alone. Please let us know how else we can help. I hope you can safely get out of this situation soon.

  24. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It sounds like you definitely have a lot going on right now. I’m sorry that you’re living in fear. Based on what you’re describing, it sounds like a really scary situation to be in. I can imagine how tough that must be to go through each day with those fears. Is there anything you can think of that would help you to feel safe?

    I want to say that I don’t think you’re stupid. Your family members and friends will have their opinions, but you ultimately know what is best for you and your needs/safety. I am glad you have someone that makes you feel safe and I am glad you have Saltine!

    Regarding sex with your boyfriend, there is nothing wrong with you. You’re in a really stressful, scary situation and your anxiety is high – it is completely understandable that you’re not interested in sex in that situation and that your body is responding that way. You should’t feel bad for not being able to have sex; it’s a natural response to the stressful situation. I know you mentioned you’re afraid of the doctor, but maybe consider going to just get checked out if/when you’re feeling comfortable doing so. It may bring you peace of mind to know you aren’t having physical issues.

    Hang in there!

    KatherineL

  25. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry that you are dealing with all this right now. The behavior from your boyfriends’ friends and coworkers is awful and I hope that you won’t have to encounter them again any time soon. Maybe try talking to your boyfriend about it and convince him to hang out with different people if you feel like their behavior is hurting him as well as you. Someone else here recommended journaling and I think that’s a great idea. Feel free to reach out or click on the Find Help tab or share your thoughts whenever you want to!

  26. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello Soundscape,

    Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to continue sharing you feelings. I am so sorry you have to carry all this anxiety, and fear that has to be such a heavy load for you. I wish you can find peace within so you can lessen your burdens. Let us know what we can do for you.
    -Marie

  27. rainedprieto Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    That’s a lot to go through. Thank you for having the courage to update this community; we’ll always be here to support you. Please know that your feelings are completely valid. People who invalidate that and think you are blinded by love don’t understand that you have gone through so much and with him. You can’t open up to anyone right now, and you feel scared. Things are difficult, but someday this part of your life will just be something to look back on. We can tell you’ll overcome this. Stay safe & strong x

  28. snandi2 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you so much for having the courage to post on our website. Like previous volunteers have mentioned, I also believe that setting a boundary with your therapist would be really useful. Instead of talking about your boyfriend’s behavior, talk about your fears and anxieties and what are some ways you can stay strong throughout this harrowing ordeal. You can also try speaking to hotel management about your situation and requesting if you can be moved to another room for your own safety. Would your mom be willing to hear you out and listen to what you’re going through? Maybe she can offer advice, comfort, and shelter just in case. Please don’t hesitate to text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741 if you need someone to talk to. Stay safe and please know that we are always here to help you.

    1. haesol Volunteer

      Hi Soundscape,

      Thank you for updating us! I am sorry to hear this transition period has been tough for you, especially as you’ve been feeling unsafe lately.

      The situation about your boyfriend’s friend sounds awful and you have every right to feel scared and upset. Have you tried telling your boyfriend how much that friend unsettles you? just in case he can do something about it, like put some boundaries between you and him in order to make you feel a bit safer.

      Having all that anxiety in you must be really tough, and everything that you’re feeling right now is completely valid and understandable. You are the one that’s on the relationship so you must be the one that knows best how your relationship works. Have you tried to contact any friend or family member during this time? just to let them know how you’ve been doing and maybe having them by your side if you ever need somewhere else to spend the night, being with someone you know and trust might help to ease the anxiety that you feel.

      I hope everything goes well, we are here for you anytime you need.

      Stay safe,

      -sol.

  29. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again Soundscape,

    Thank you for sharing this update with us. We’re here for you, and I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to share this with us. It sounds like this has been a really hard transition for you, and it certainly doesn’t help that you don’t feel safe really anywhere right now. I think it’s important to stand your ground and set boundaries, especially with things like being around your boyfriend’s coworkers/friends. It’ll be hard, but I think it’ll take a little bit of a weight off of your chest. Trust your gut, even if it’s telling you to be worried. There’s always truth rooted in that feeling.

    Do you perhaps have an escape plan in case things get really scary and unsafe? It might not be a bad idea to reach out to some friends and family to see if any of them would be a kind of safehouse if you need to get away. I know you’re not necessarily close to them now that you’ve moved, but it might be something to think about. Even just having a backup plan might help to ease your anxiety a little bit.

    Stay safe, and we’re always here anytime you need anything.

  30. Neesha Volunteer

    Soundscape,
    I am sorry to hear that you are having a beyond rough time with your anxiety. It makes sense since the people around you aren’t safe and there is a lot of change in your life. It sounds like your nervous system is on overload right now and the disassociation and the red flags are your minds way of trying to keep you safe. Can you try move your body more [working out in the room?], journaling, or meditating? There are plenty of ways to try to calm yourself and I hope you can find some more methods to bring peace into you life.

    Thank you for sharing and trusting us and please take care of yourself.

  31. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It sounds like you are in a really tough spot, and maybe it is too much to have just the one person to rely on, to feel safe with, especially if he has his own set of issues that sound pretty serious. Have you tried talking about what is going on with your therapist, or are you expecting her to react a certain way if you tell her?

    If she isn’t supporting you, then can you switch therapists? See, the thing is, sometimes when we are in the middle of something, it really helps to have someone who is not in the middle of it, to see things we can’t from where we are, and offer suggestions. Change is hard. And sometimes just knowing that others know what you are going through and care about you can make a world of difference. Please continue to share your story and hopefully with the telling, things get clearer.

    Have you tried grounding techniques, where, when you are feeling like dissociating, you look around and find so many things that you can see, and so many that you can hear, and so many that you can touch and so many that you can taste? I have only heard of this, but it kind of makes sense to keep us in the present.

    I am sorry your boy friend’s friends/co-workers are making your home less safe. That sounds really awful. Is there anything you can do when you move to make your new rooms less accessible, like being on the second or third floor? Are there other things you can do to make it more safe? I hope this is temporary for you, and you can get to a place where things feel safer and are more settled soon.

  32. ryannlashea Volunteer

    Hi, thank you so much for the update and for continuing to trust us with your story. Your feelings are completely valid and understandable. Have you tried journaling? I know it doesn’t seem like much but it really helps me process my thoughts and feelings. I hope things get better for you soon! Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.

  33. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back to update us. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now and that things are uncertain. It is understandable that you are afraid of being hurt again. Is there anything that helps you feel safe or helps you calm when you are worried? It is interesting that your therapist isn’t being supportive and there for you when you need support.
    Please be sure to take care of yourself.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  34. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m sorry that things have been so rough for you. It is okay to be scared. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriends friends are good people to be around if they are going to try to hurt your boyfriend and you. It is also okay to not have sex because you are having anxiety. Your boyfriend will understand. You shouldn’t put yourself if that situation where you are hurting yourself like that because if you keep bleeding that isn’t good. When your anxiety calms down you should try to go to the doctor to make sure everything is okay.
    If you don’t think that your boyfriend is abusive, but others do maybe just be on the look out for signs of abuse, but go with your gut. If you don’t think he is abusive, then go with that. You are in the relationship not your friends or therapist.
    If you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about these things besides us we are always here for you. Thank you for updating us. If you need anything please don’t hesitate to write back.
    -Alyssa

  35. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi soundscape,

    Thanks for coming back to update us. I’m sorry you’re feeling so scared and anxious right now. Moving to a new place where you don’t know many people is really scary. And the situation with your boyfriend’s coworker is definitely scary. I’m so sorry that that happened and the police couldn’t take further action. Have you asked your boyfriend if he asked the coworker what he was trying to do? You may find some comfort if you know it wasn’t directed towards you. But it makes sense to see the red flags everywhere and to feel on alert – your body is still processing and working through the trauma. And I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need from your friends and don’t feel comfortable talking to your therapist. You can always come here. I also like erin’s idea about setting a boundary with your therapist. I’d hope that your therapist would understand and respect that. It sounds like your fear is really debilitating and exhausting, and I hope your therapist can help you feel more comfortable. You’re not broken. You’re working through some hard stuff. Try to be kind to yourself during this time. We’re here for you. Keep your chin up.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  36. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I hear your anxiety has been exhausting to deal with lately. You’re dealing with a lot of change and scary events at the same time, and it seems like your mind is trying to protect you by sounding the alarms. I’ve heard that dissociation can be our mind’s way of coping when the anxiety is really strong. I think it could help to set the boundary (that Erin mentioned) with your therapist, then work with her to figure out how to cope with the anxiety you’re having. You deserve to feel safe, and I hope things get better soon.
    I promise you, you’re not broken. It’s okay to tell him to stop; you have the right to revoke consent. It’s okay to express your needs and wants. I don’t think you would be depriving him by telling him to stop. I believe that if he truly cares, he’ll understand and listen to you. You deserve to have supportive and understanding people in your life.
    Thank you for this update. We’re here to listen and support you whenever you need us, and we believe in you.

  37. zelda Volunteer

    I’m happy to hear from you, Sound!

    Thank you for posting on AVFTI, hopefully you will find some comfort and support from fellow members and volunteers. I really like Erin’s idea of setting a boundary with your therapist. Instead of focusing on your boyfriend, you two can discuss your anxiety and fear, instead. Talk therapy, in my opinion, can be very useful, especially when we’re trying to get to the root of the problem.

    Do you think your past traumas are a factor in how you’re feeling now? I know that having constant and consistent panic attacks are debilitating. Even though our brain is just trying to protect us from another potential threat, we feel paralyzed, in response.

    If you are feeling afraid for your safety, maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Our fight-or-flight response is vital to our survival, dating all the way back to the prehistoric days. Without our amygdala in action, we would be oblivious to the warning signs and red flags.

    In order to cope with my own anxiety disorders, I have to reframe my thoughts around them. Instead of hating myself for experiencing anxiety attacks in normal, everyday situations, I’m proud of myself.

    If other people experienced what we did on a daily basis, they would probably never get out of bed. We are warriors for facing each and every day head on. Despite our past traumas and present struggles, we fight like hell to carry on.

    I know you’re in a really tough situation, and I can empathize because I’ve been there, too. Beating yourself up and viewing yourself as defective or unworthy will only serve to hurt you more.

    You do deserve a beautiful life, and you absolutely do deserve to be around people who lift you up and make you feel safe and secure. Do not settle for anything (or anyone) less.

    If I can help you find other resources in your area, please let me know. I’d be happy to help connect you to another online (or in person) support group, mental health center, or crisis line.

    Stay safe, and stay healthy. 🌈

  38. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry you are dealing with all of these scary things. You don’t deserve that, and that isn’t your fault. I understand if your therapist is frustrating you because of talking about your boyfriend. Would it be helpful to set a boundary with your therapist for right now you don’t talk about him, but you could talk about the fear you are experiencing? You could also text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741 if you still don’t think talking to your therapist is helpful. Thank you for coming here to share again-we are here for you.

    Erin