Flling Apart

Flling Apart

154 23

It has been awhile… 

It feels like this website is the only thing I really have. As amazing as everyone on here is, it kind of sucks. In other posts I have written, I have discussed how much I can’t stand the R word. I thought it was reasonable. However, to everyone in my life I am just ridiculous for it. They do not understand how damaging it is. hearing, reading, seeing, and saying the word hurts. I don’t know why it has this effect because it doesn’t bring memories back or anything like that. It just feels too much. It overwhelms me. I panic and start to freak out on the inside. I stop thinking, my hands shake, I get really hot, and then I start crying. That word is too aggressive for me. It has so much control over me and I don’t know if I can ever get past that. I have heard so many times “just get over it”, but no one understands that that is NOT an option. It’s not that simple and it never will be. It has been 4 years and I’m still not past it. I think the thing that stands in my way the most is how disrespectful everyone around me is about the R word and the boundaries I try setting. My own mother told me she didn’t want to be my mom anymore because i was being ridiculous about something no one cares about anymore and those were her words. It makes me feel like i’m too complicated for someone to really care. I don’t want to deal with the situation anymore. I wish I didn’t feel like this and I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I feel like I have no one. I feel so fucking alone. When I am around people I feel like I am behind glass. I can see them and hear them, but I am alone. By myself and they don’t notice. No one takes me seriously and I just can’t handle it anymore. I just wish I had a friend. Everyone around me has that person they can go to, but I don’t.


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23 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hi Krex15,

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. I don’t think that it is unreasonable to ask others to avoid language that is triggering to you. People use content warnings and trigger warnings all the time, and avoid language that is offensive for other reasons, so it follows that they are able to respect someones wish to avoid a word for a similar reason. People often like to say things like “it’s just a word, it doesn’t mean anything” but I find that ridiculous. Our words absolutely carry meaning, and our choice of words says a lot about who we are and where our priorities lie. I am so sorry that people in your life are not respecting your request to not use a word that deeply upsets you, that is incredibly disrespectful and cruel. I hope you know that even though we haven’t met in person, everyone here at AVFTI is here to listen to you and support you in whatever way they can. In the mean time, I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with using warnings or directives at the beginning of your posts, so that other people on this site can respect your wishes (please do no use r word in your responses to this post) or something similar. Please keep us update as you continue on your healing journey.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Krex15,

    It sounds frustrating that people are ridiculing you for saying that you can’t stand the R word. Words can have a huge impact on us, so it’s totally reasonable that you can’t stand that word. It’s terrible that instead of being supportive, they are being dismissive of your feelings, and are just telling you to “get over it”. Boundaries are important, and it’s even more important that people respect it. We are always here for you, and please continue to update us about how things are going, if you would like. Take care.

  3. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you’ve been struggling with this. Your family and friends should care about your boundaries and respect them. I’m sorry that you aren’t receiving the support you need right now. Your feelings about that word and the way your family has responded is valid. You have a right to set that boundary, and they should respect it. I’m sorry that they aren’t.

    A local support group might be beneficial. You’d be able to meet with people face to face and share what you’ve been going through and start building a new support system. There are lots of other resources under our “Find Help” tab, as well.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. If you need anything else, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong. <3
    -Jess

  4. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Krex15,
    I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling with this. It can be difficult for people to understand how much of an impact things like that can have, but they should respect your feeling towards that word. I agree that it can be a very harsh word, especially to someone who’s experienced it. Your feelings are completely valid, and you shouldn’t feel ridiculous for that. I hope you can find a better support system or someone you feel comfortable talking to in your life. Know that you at least have us to talk to. We fully support you and are here for whatever you need.

  5. Deanna Volunteer

    My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I hope that you find someone trustworthy whom you can share your feelings with irl. As for that word, people should respect your feelings. I had a parent tell me to just get over it too, I know how much that hurts. I’m so sorry for how your mother has treated you. This subject is difficult for people who haven’t experienced it to comprehend.
    Maybe a local support group would help you find people locally to go to when you need someone face to face.

    Deanna

  6. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry you have to keep encountering that word and people can’t respect your boundaries. Know your limits and don’t let others cross them. Please continue to share with us so we can help you In whatever way you need us to. Know that we are here for you and will continue to be.

    -Brianna

  7. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so sorry that you do not have a respectful support system, and I’m glad you feel comfortable coming to us with this. They should respect your wishes when it comes to the “R” word, and you should not have to feel lonely or complicated. You’ve been through a lot and your feelings are valid. I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through, and please write to us whenever you need to. We are always here for you.

    Katie

  8. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you are having to constantly encounter that word after setting boundaries. You know your limit and what you are and are not comfortable with and I’m sorry people are disrespecting that. You should know that it’s normal and very understanding to not be past it. It’s something that has happened to you and has impacted you. It won’t just disappear and that’s okay. We know that you are working for yourself and defining strategies that work for you to help with that thought process. It’s a very complicated process, but we believe you have the strength to get through it. We’re glad you feel so confident here, but we understand that it can be hard to not have this support within your social system. I hope that these comments have reassured you that you are not wrong in your feelings and thoughts. You have every right to them and we support you!

    Stay strong!

  9. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming to our webiste and updating us. I am so sorry about what is going on. It’s your right to not like the “r” word. I’m sorry that the people in your life are not more supportive. I know how difficult that can be, but please know that we are here for you. You are so strong.

    Carmen

  10. zoeyb

    Hi Krex15,
    It’s good to hear from you again. I am so sorry that your mom said that to you and that you’ve been feeling so isolated. You are not being ridiculous at all- know that the people who have experienced what you have understand you 100%, you aren’t alone. It can be so hard for people who haven’t to wrap their heads around the word and what pain it holds for so many people, I’m so sorry your mom doesn’t empathize and see how this all affects you, that definitely wasn’t right to say to you. We are always here for you, as you know. Maybe looking into additional resources that can help you feel supported throughout your day-to-day routine could help you process and feel more supported. Have you looked into this at all? We have info on resources, so ask anytime if you need anything- we are here for you no matter what.

    – zoey

  11. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there ,

    Thanks for coming back and updating. It’s completely understandable to not like that word at all because I feel the same way. You do what makes you comfortable and happy not what others do. Know we are here for you always and will be here to help in what ever way you need us to. Stay strong

    -Brianna

  12. Lizzi Volunteer

    Hi Krex15,
    I think it’s completely reasonable to not like the R word. I feel like that word has so much power compared to other words that can mean the same thing. For some, that word may be too hard or painful to use, and that’s okay. You can use whatever words you feel comfortable to describe what’s happened to you. It’s okay that you’re not over what happened, and I’m so sorry that your mother doesn’t understand how hard this is for you. It sounds like you’re feeling so isolated right now, and I wonder if there’s somewhere in your area that you can go to meet other people struggling as well. Maybe a support group? For now you have us, and we are here for you and we’ll always be here for you.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  13. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Krex15,

    I’m so sorry that your family and friends have been unsupportive of your boundaries regarding your healing process. I too, struggled with the “R” word at the beginning of my healing process. Sometimes I still choke on it even 14 years after the event. You aren’t being unreasonable or ridiculous at all. Have you looked through our resources tab? Maybe there is a local support group that meets face to face you could join to meet and connect with fellow survivors in your area. It can feel very overwhelming and incredibly isolating without a face to face support system in addition to online communities. We’re still here for you, and you can always come to us whenever you need to.

    All the best,
    Becca

  14. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Krex15,
    It’s good to hear back from you. I think the reason why you don’t like the R word is because it’s not a good word and you can associate it back to a lot of trauma that you have. People won’t understand unless they are in your situation sometimes. If there are people in your life that don’t understand, I would explain to them how it makes you feel and then maybe they will understand.
    You have everyone at AVFTI. We are all here for you and care about you. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  15. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey

    I know you have that feeling that you feel alone and no one is here to listen to what you are going through but just know we are here for you. We are here for you and truly care for you. We are people who are willing to listen and help you. We are a safe place for you to express yourself.

  16. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m probably going to sound like a broken record but there are people here in this website who are willing to listen and help. I know that that’s not the same as having someone physically in your life who will listen and help, but it’s a start. I think it’s awesome that you’re sharing on here and I hope that you will continue to update us and stay strong.

  17. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Krex15,

    Thanks for sharing with us again. I’m sorry you’re having these thoughts, but I want to know that how you’re feeling is completely valid. It’s not fair for people to expect survivors to just “get over it.” Maybe you will some day, maybe you won’t. Neither is right or wrong. What happened to you is extremely personal and, while understanding it may be difficult for others, that doesn’t make your experience any less real. No one has the right to tell you how to feel or what the appropriate timeline to get over something is. I can’t remember – are you seeing a therapist? I know that’s a big cost, but if you have the means, I suggest it. Only if you’re comfortable with that, though. Please don’t push yourself. It might be helpful to talk with someone that would be more sensitive to your triggers and help you work through some of the thoughts you’re having.

    Either way, please know that we are here for you, no matter what. Don’t hesitate to reach out again if you need anything.

    Marissa

  18. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Krex15,
    I’m really sorry that the people around you aren’t being understanding when it comes to your trigger. It’s a horrific ordeal that no one should have to go through, and it makes sense that the word is triggering. It’s not as easy to get over it as people try to make it seem. It’s reasonable that you want to set boundaries around something that triggers you. As for what your mom said, I don’t think she’s in the right. This is affecting you, and your feelings are valid.
    Do you think talking to a counselor would help? You may be able to figure out how to get your brain out of fight/flight/freeze/etc. mode and work on ways to feel better. You deserve to be listened to and taken seriously. I also understand that feeling of isolation – it’s horrible. If you feel comfortable and you need someone to talk to, you can email me at [email protected].
    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It’s not easy to talk about our feelings, and I’m proud of you for writing this out. We’re all here for you, and we want you here. Continue to stay strong, and if you ever need anything, please write back.

  19. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Krex15,
    Thank you for coming back and reaching out. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and that you aren’t finding the support you need from your friends and family. The things that trigger our trauma are so frustrating because we don’t always know them and then it is very difficult to work on healing them. Our brains are so complex and amazing, but sometimes they also accidentally work against us. That feeling you get when you hear that word signals a very primitive part of your brain (the amygdala) that says you aren’t safe and you need to do something to save yourself. It sends chemicals through your body that encourage you to fight, run, hide, or try to fool your attacker (in essence, a wolf is after you) in order to help you survive. Your body takes over at this point and you are not able to access the higher parts of your brain; you are not able to control it. You can learn to desensitize that trigger with the help of a therapist/counselor who would be able to connect with you in that moment and help you breathe properly to calm your body and move into higher levels of your brain. We are always here to listen and support you, but as Solongago said, there isn’t always someone on to answer right away. If you are in a moment and need contact call the RAINN hotline (1-800-656-4673) use their web chat (www.rainn.org), text the Crisis Text line Erin mentioned, or call the Suicide Prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255). You are not alone, we care about you, we are here for you, and we want you here as well.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  20. Juliana331 Volunteer

    I am sorry you are feeling alone. It is difficult for people to understand things that trigger feelings, thoughts and memories when they have not experienced it. However, it is perfectly reasonable to set boundaries for yourself. Have you considered counseling? I know it is not the same as a family member or close friend, but it can help to have some to consistently support you.

  21. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Krex. I’m so sorry people around you are treating you this way. I want to let you know, first, in mine and in almost every decent person’s opinion, you are in the right. The R word is unacceptable. Fortunately, you are clearly incredibly empathetic and disapprove of other people using that word. Unfortunately, others around you are not and that provides awful, emotional challenges for you by using the word. I can relate in so, so many ways. I think it’s great that you let others know how it make you feel. Keep doing it. Keep telling your mom, friends, whomever it may be your opinions on that word. You are in the right, so don’t back off. Second, maybe you can volunteer with a group that mirrors your passion for others. That way, you are using your incredible gift of empathy in a positive way. And maybe you can develop friendships with like-minded people. We will continue to do the best we can to help, but clearly you are an incredible person. Please, don’t let go of your amazing qualities.

  22. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You’re right. It’s never that simple. I’m so sorry your mom told you that-that’s awful, and you don’t deserve that. You’re not alone here-we are here for you. You can also text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741. Is it possible to start seeing a counselor? I really recommend that if you can-therapy has been so helpful for me. Thank you for coming back to share.

    Erin

  23. Solongago

    They knock off my posts, but then they are not always here either, and it sounds like you are feeling pretty down right now. I know how you feel about you say you don’t feel like there is any place to go, or that no one will talk about it. This site is difficult because we just aren’t always here. People check it daily I think, but you might feel alone if you are expecting someone to get right back to you and they don’t.

    There is a page with links on this website. I think under Find Help, Misc Links. And on that page there is a link to RAINN. They do have people available 24/7 that you can “chat” with, meaning through the computer. If you need to. I think you get to know the people here and that is good too, but as I say, if you need to talk to someone than those folks are there. There are other hotlines and TEXT lines. It is good to know how to get to these when you are doing ok, so that when you are feeling really bad, you don’t have to try and find it, you can just go there.

    I am sorry you are feeling like this. It’s particularly hard when your family isn’t able to be supportive.