First post

I think Ive only only this story in actual detail to my therapist, and a few basic “yeah i guess i was raped a lot as a kid, lets go get pizza” kind of mentioned in passing to close friends or “dont do this thing cuz i got fucked as a kid” to sexual partners, but the more i talk abt it to my therapist, the more i find myself narrating this story to myself when im alone and driving, planning how to phrase it to complete strangers – ya know, in case it ever comes up in polite conversation for whatever reason. 

I actually very recently told my therapist that i keep wanting to talk about it more and more, and she mentioned it was probably a good thing, because im not trying to repress it anymore, im not burying it, and most importantly im not imagining it and feeling like im gonna throw up, im just full of completely unbridled rage. 

So i heard about this site from a podcast, and as soon as he started describing it i immidiately started to search for it cuz i knew this was something i needed. 

Ive been in support groups before, but they were all so heavily moderated i never felt like i could say more than the basics, i was afraid that if i said anything too upsetting they would all abandon me and stop responding to my posts because they were too upsetting and it made me just keep holding it inside and feeling more and more ashamed, like what happened to me is so disgusting that im not even allowed to tell other survivors about it. 

There were nights i woke up in tears, grabbing onto my girlfriend at the time, telling her i had a horrible dream, but i couldnt tell her or she wouldnt go back to sleep that night. I never once cared about myself, or the way keeping it inside was hurting myself, i was so fucking scared that if i was honest about my expierence, it would upset someone else. Which would stay a pretty consistent issue in my life, even being one of the reasons i never reported what was happening to me until i was much older.

I just never wanted to upset anyone. 

That being said, i want to let myself talk now, openly and honestly about my childhood and what happened and im going to push the thought that talking about it is wrong and will hurt others as far back in my mind as i can, so if im too graphic, or if i stay something i shouldnt, im sorry. If i break a rule, ill edit it again, but im going to really try not to censor myself as i so often try to do, esspecially when i talk about this. 

I guess im just rambling now, so i should get to the point. 

This all started when i was like 6 or 7, and I lived next to a family of 3, a father, a mother, and a son several years older than me, probably 10 or 11. My parents were substance abusers, my mom popping pills, and my dad an alcoholic. I was unsupervised most of the time. Physically they were there, but mentally i just did whatever i wanted and went wherever i pleased and never really checked in unless i planned to go far out of the way. Even then, they were usually drunk, or falling around, or otherwise too out of it for them to even respond if i tried to ask anyway.

The first time something fucked up happened with my neighbors was when the son, A, asked me to sleep over in a tent between our homes, and i did, and my warned me not to have sex with him – at 6 years old – and i said okay, not understanding, and then that night A lead me to my parents bedroom window and we watched them have sex. Later A touched me, and humped me, and i froze and didnt fight back. I never told anyone. 

The next time something happened, i was looking for A to play with, and because i was an unsupervised 6 year old w absent parents, i was accustomed to just walking into houses. I walked into their house and i looked for him and his dad told me to come downstairs, thats where A was. So i went down to the basement and A was there, with his dad, and about 5 or 6 other grown men sitting around a poker table. A was naked. He wasnt playing, he was sitting very close to another adult man. A told me to run and his father hit him. I turned around and tried to leave but there was another man at the top of the stairs. He picked me up and carried me down the stairs, and As dad told me that it was okay, and i didnt have to be scared, they were just playing a game. I sat on one mans lap and watched them play. A would get up and move to sit near different men, i believe depending on who was winning. The man who won forced A to perform oral sex on him and i sat there and watched. No one touched me, i just watched. As dad told me my mom was whore, and a druggie, and my dad an idiot. He told me there was no reason to tell them what happened, cuz they didnt do anything, and they were going to let me go home now anyway, and i should knock next time. I went back upstairs and i passed As mom putting a needle in her arm in the dinning room then i went home. That happened several more times, the actions towards me increasing each time. After a while they would put their hands in my underwear while i watched and touched me. I dont know how long it went on like that but eventually no one cared about A, they were more interested in me. That feels egotistical to say, like hah yeah, that gross basement pedophile ring perfered ME but i hear the things they said every night. One man told me “you know youre my favorite prize” and i cant get that out of my brain. 

Anyway, after a while, just touching me wasnt enough, they needed me to reciprocate. So one night, in the middle of the night, they took me out to the woods, and laid me down on this little wooden baseboard for what used to be a small shack or something, and As dad told me i had to be completely still because he was putting his pet snake (which he did have at home, and he knew i was very scared of it) inside of me, and he told me if i moved the snake would bite me, and that snakes hate blood, so if i make the snake bite me it will probably kill me. So i had to stay completely still out of complete fear while 6 different men took turns raping me. They were so careful not to leave any marks, unlike A. I remember he was always bruised. They didnt care what they did to him. But i had a family to return to, and they did everything they could to manipulate me to stay quiet and keep me from being noticed as an abuse victim. There was another girl, not that night but on various other nights i saw her, M, her dad was a part of the group too, and they treated her the same as me. They really didnt care about A, and eventually A would be instructed to play the games with them, he was no longer a “prize” like myself and M. He wasnt very good at cards tho, so i dont think i remember A ever actually winning. 

Another night i remember very specifically they were sitting and playing, it was a couple men i didnt recognize, the men tended to change a lot, some were “regulars” others i only saw once and then never again. This man i only saw once. He won me, and then instructed me to take off my clothes and lay on the table and pretend to sleep. He took out a camera phone and took pictures of me like that. Then he gave $2 and told me be care walking home. 

One day i decided that i didnt want to be a prize, and thought that if A got out of it cuz he was a boy, i would rather get smacked than raped, so i cut off all my hair and started saying i was a boy. My parents thought it was a silly kid phase, but As dad locked in me in a dog kennel in their basement one night while they used M as the prize. He called me a dog, and said i was disgusting and kept kicking the cage. I would do thag occassionally, just cut off all my hair and get locked in thr cage instead and i perfered that. He would try to make me feel bad, and tell me that M would be at home sleeping that night if i wasnt so selfish, but i didnt care. Anything i could do to get out of it i would do. 

Another night A and his mom invited me over to watch Star Wars. His dad came home midway through, he was angry, he hit A and his wife, then told me i made him happy at least, lead me back to his bedroom and raped me there. When i came back out his wife was just sitting on the couch in a daze. 

I think this was one of the very last days this happened, i was won by one of the local hunters and he took me into the woods and i gave him oral before he told me he loved me and i was his favorite again. Then he told me to go home before it got too late. I came out of a daze then ran home and tripped over some rocks in the woods and broke my leg. He picked me up and carried me back to As house, and A and his mom helped me back to my house. They told me i fell out of the tree in my front yard. No one ever bought my story of falling out of the tree because of the details i gave, including the doctor, but i would never change it so they had to eventually. I had a huge cast on my leg and crutches. Im sure there were some men who would have still wanted me at that point, but they were afraid it was too close of a call, and if i got hurt again they would caught. 

The last thing i remember As dad telling me was that he let his snake go, and it would aways follow me, and watch me, and it would talk to other snakes, and report back to him, and he told me they were everywhere, always watching me and listening to me, and if i ever told anyone what happened, they would tell him and he would come get me or he would tell the snakes to kill me. 

Throughout all of this hell, between this, between the neglect of my parents, and bullying at school, and isolation around my other family, i had to find someway to appear normal, and i developed dissociative identity disorder. I repressed so many of this memories for so long til i was 17 when they slowly starting coming back before the flood gate opened. 

Some days i try to find A or M on facebook, or i try to find their family name, or i want to ask other kids from the neighborhood, but im too scared. 

I told my parents when i started remembering, but my dad didnt believe me.

I dont know what i want out of writing here, but it feels nice to have it all out there in a way thats not locked in a file with my therapist. 

Thank you for reading. Stay safe. 


Join the Conversation

22 comments

  1. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Hello Soundscape –

    I’m truly sorry for what you had to endure during your childhood. You are so brave and I commend you for being open and blunt. You will get through the pain by continuing to share your story. You are on the journey to healing. No child should be abuse, bullied or neglected. They are to be loved and cared for. Please know that we’re here to support you in any way.

    God Bless………

  2. zoeyb

    Hi soundscape,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m glad you have found people and outlets that allow you to process what you went through. I am so sorry you had to endure that abuse and neglect for so long. You are incredibly resilient and deserve so much more respect and happiness in your life- you are taking great steps towards healing. We believe you and we support you. We will always be here to listen.

    – Zoey

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Do did not deserve this and it is not your fault. It is great that you want to talk and say your story. That is a great step to recovery. Therapy is also a great way to help you recover too. Talking and getting help are going to lead to a fast and speedy recovery. You are so brave, courageous, and strong. Never change because you are amazing. Thank you for trusting and sharing you retry with AVFTI. If you need anything let us know.
    -Alyssa

  4. Colton Kim Volunteer

    I haven’t been on this site for long so I don’t know all the rules, but I would encourage you to not hold back and I think that it is bold and incredible of you to share your story here uncensored. Sharing your story is a great first step in the healing process. I hope that you won’t let what happened to you define who you are and I hope that you will continue to stay strong and heal!

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m extremely sorry about what you’ve been through and that you weren’t believed when the memories came back. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, and none of this was your fault. I’m also so sorry that you weren’t protected and that you had to cope on your own for so long. Your anger is valid and very understandable.
    I’m so glad that you’re working with a therapist and that you feel ready to share your story. I hope that therapy, as well as sharing your story, is helping you process everything. Thank you so much for having the courage to write these experiences. We’re here to support and help you in any way we can. You can share as much or as little as you want – either way, we’re here to listen. We believe you and your story. Please write back if you need anything, and continue to stay strong.

  6. Jordan L

    Hey there,
    I am so sorry that all this happened to you. I want to thank you for trusting us with your story. You are free to share your story here however you like and in whatever ways you are comfortable with. We don’t censor stories here. We want victim/survivors to feel comfortable share their stories however they’d like and in whatever details they please.
    My heart hurts for all the trauma you went through alone. I am sorry your parents weren’t there to protect you. I’m glad to hear you are in therapy, it can be hard coping with the repressed memories of the trauma you went through. Thank you for taking care of yourself especially in a hard time like this. Just a thought, you can talk to your therapist about doing some EMDR treatments.
    You are so brave and courageous.
    Sometimes it’s nice just to share it with someone so it helps to get that weight off your chest that you didn’t even know was there. I hope sharing your story gives you some peace and I want you to know that we are always here for you. We support you. We care for you. You are always welcome here.

    -Jordan

  7. mkyuellig

    Hi Soundscape,

    I am so so very sorry for all that you have been through. No one deserves that treatment, and I can’t imagine the stress that kind of repeated trauma had on you. You are a very brave, strong, resilient person, not only for sharing your story with us, but also for taking care of your own emotional needs and working with a therapist. I think it’s great that you are working on processing what happened to you, and how to talk to others, but I hope that you keep in mind that you don’t owe that narrative to anyone, it is yours to decide to share when you feel you are comfortable and safe. It is truly amazing how articulate and strong you are despite going through that horrible trauma. Please keep us informed and feel free to reach out to us at anytime if you need support.

    Stay strong, and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  8. Deanna Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape-

    Thank you for sharing your story here. My heart aches for you, I can’t express my sympathies of the atrocities you survived. No one will ever censor you here, I am glad that you were able to write down everything. I hope that A and M found safety.

    Stay strong,

    Deanna

  9. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this, and absolutely none of this was your fault. Let us know how else we can help and I want you to know we are here for you. We believe in you and don’t ever give up your fight stay strong!

    -Brianna

  10. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hello!

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it can be difficult to open up to a therapist, let alone an open forum like AVFTI. But that’s what this organization is all about. Know that none of what happened to you was your fault, and your simple act of opening up to us and sharing your story is paving the way and making the world a better and more aware place. You are so incredibly strong and I cannot thank you enough.

    Always,

    Andy

  11. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story, and sharing with us. I am so glad that you found our website.

    I am very sorry to hear what you have been through, but please know that none of it was your fault. I am also sorry that your parents weren’t there for you, and that they were not more supportive. Please know that we support and believe you. We are here for you. You are incredibly strong, and don’t forget that. You are always welcome here.

    Carmen

  12. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us! I am so glad you found us; we will never judge you for what you say here and are only here to support and listen to you. I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain. That’s unfortunate that you felt you had to suppress your story in group therapy. Maybe trying to see a therapist that deals with survivors of sexual assault with be more beneficial for you? Feel free to go to the Get Help tab on our site for resources and places near you that may help. We are always here for you; stay strong <3

  13. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You were so young and these men took advantage of you. That is not okay. You are so strong for being able to share your story with us today and working through the pain caused by these events. I am sorry that you did not have a supportive family to go home to at the end of the day. You deserve more than that. Please know that we are here for you, we believe you, and we support you. You are always welcome to come back and share more with us if you would like. Your feelings on what happened are valid. you are so strong for surviving this terrible time in your life and are so much more than the trauma. You are incredibly strong and an inspiration.

    Sending love and hope,
    Natalie

  14. Megan Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    I’m so sorry for everything you went through. You were just a kid and you deserved to be treated so much better than that. I’m glad that you are seeing a therapist now and you were able to disclose to them about what happened; I know how hard it can be to talk about things even with a therapist. I’m also very proud of you for sharing with us and trying to be honest with yourself and others about what happened and stop suppressing it. That’s something I’ve been trying to work on too so I totally get where you’re coming from on that, so I’m super happy you were able to share with us! Know that you are always free to share your story here and you don’t have to censor anything. We believe you. We support you. And we’ve got you.

    Never be afraid to share anything you want with us; we’ll always be here.
    Megan

  15. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this, and absolutely none of this was your fault. Let us know how else we can help and I want you to know we are here for you. We believe in you and don’t ever give up your fight stay strong!

    -Brianna

  16. Zoe

    Hi, soundscape.

    I am so incredibly sorry for all the pain and abuse you endured as a child. No one deserves to go through something like that, and I’m sorry that no one was there to protect you. I’m also sorry that your dad didn’t believe you when you later tried to tell them what happened. But just know that I believe you. I hope you don’t blame yourself in any way, because none of that was your fault. You were so young and someone should have been there for you. I’m glad to hear you’ve been working with a therapist, and I hope you’ve been able to start healing.

    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story with us. I know how difficult it is to talk about, so you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do so now. I hope it was helpful for you to share your whole story. I know that can definitely be an important step in healing. Please feel free to come back and share whatever else you need, or if you just need to talk or need anything from us. We’re here for you.

    Zoe.

  17. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there soundscape,

    You’re incredibly brave for sharing your story. It’s normal to repress memories for awhile; being able to talk about what happened years later is an awesome way to cope and understand what happened. Please remember that none of this was your fault. I hear you and I believe you and I am happy you were able to find this community to share your story. I can tell you’re truly fighting for the support you deserve. Keep fighting.

    Sending light and positivity your way,
    SFM

  18. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi soundscape,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for everything you went through. That is completely repulsive, and it’s horrifying that there are people in this world so willing and eager to take advantage of others. It’s not fair. You’re insanely strong for pushing through everything that happened to you, though.

    I’m sorry your dad didn’t believe you, but I hope you know that we support you. We believe you. You are welcome to share any and all stories you may have with us, in as deep detail as you’re comfortable with. This is a safe space. Please don’t hesitate to come back if you need anything. Even if it’s just to update us, to say hi or even just to ramble. You don’t have to hide what happened to you, and we want to help however we can.

    Stay strong ❤️
    Marissa

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story here with us. You can share your story, however you want, whatever makes you feel comfortable/cathartic, as much as you can be in these impossible circumstances. I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. I hope it helped to share your story here, and I hope therapy is helping-it sounds like your therapist is supportive, and that’s good-it may get hard at times, but keep with it. It sounds like it’s a good space to share. is there anything else we can do for you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  20. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happeend to you and you had all those terrible experiences. I am sorry those support groups were less helpful then they should be. It is normal to feel rage because it its a body reaction to a tramatic thing that happened to you. Know that what happened to you was not your fault and know we are here for you if you need more support. Please dont hesitant to post more stories when needing support. We are here for you!

  21. candyappleb Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you had to experience those things, Soundscape, and I’m sorry that other support groups have been less than helpful in the past. I’m glad you found your way to AVFTI and have been working with your therapist. It’s totally normal to be filled with rage as you begin to heal from trauma. Nothing that happened to you was ever your fault. Please feel free to write again and share more with us as you need to. We’re here for you.

  22. Edjay Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    I appreciate you for finally being able to express yourself and share what happened to you without feeling like you need to censor yourself. At the very least, you deserve to be in a supportive space where you are able to share freely about what you’ve been through. It takes a lot of strength and courage to go through what you’ve been through, and still be a compassionate person concerned about not wanting to hurt or upset others. I’m glad that you are finally giving yourself permission to be honest about your childhood. It’s great to hear that you are seeing a therapist, and I hope that you are able to get access to whatever you might need to help you heal. Please let us know if there’s anything that you need. Stay strong.

    Edjay