I think Ive only only this story in actual detail to my therapist, and a few basic “yeah i guess i was raped a lot as a kid, lets go get pizza” kind of mentioned in passing to close friends or “dont do this thing cuz i got fucked as a kid” to sexual partners, but the more i talk abt it to my therapist, the more i find myself narrating this story to myself when im alone and driving, planning how to phrase it to complete strangers – ya know, in case it ever comes up in polite conversation for whatever reason.
I actually very recently told my therapist that i keep wanting to talk about it more and more, and she mentioned it was probably a good thing, because im not trying to repress it anymore, im not burying it, and most importantly im not imagining it and feeling like im gonna throw up, im just full of completely unbridled rage.
So i heard about this site from a podcast, and as soon as he started describing it i immidiately started to search for it cuz i knew this was something i needed.
Ive been in support groups before, but they were all so heavily moderated i never felt like i could say more than the basics, i was afraid that if i said anything too upsetting they would all abandon me and stop responding to my posts because they were too upsetting and it made me just keep holding it inside and feeling more and more ashamed, like what happened to me is so disgusting that im not even allowed to tell other survivors about it.
There were nights i woke up in tears, grabbing onto my girlfriend at the time, telling her i had a horrible dream, but i couldnt tell her or she wouldnt go back to sleep that night. I never once cared about myself, or the way keeping it inside was hurting myself, i was so fucking scared that if i was honest about my expierence, it would upset someone else. Which would stay a pretty consistent issue in my life, even being one of the reasons i never reported what was happening to me until i was much older.
I just never wanted to upset anyone.
That being said, i want to let myself talk now, openly and honestly about my childhood and what happened and im going to push the thought that talking about it is wrong and will hurt others as far back in my mind as i can, so if im too graphic, or if i stay something i shouldnt, im sorry. If i break a rule, ill edit it again, but im going to really try not to censor myself as i so often try to do, esspecially when i talk about this.
I guess im just rambling now, so i should get to the point.
This all started when i was like 6 or 7, and I lived next to a family of 3, a father, a mother, and a son several years older than me, probably 10 or 11. My parents were substance abusers, my mom popping pills, and my dad an alcoholic. I was unsupervised most of the time. Physically they were there, but mentally i just did whatever i wanted and went wherever i pleased and never really checked in unless i planned to go far out of the way. Even then, they were usually drunk, or falling around, or otherwise too out of it for them to even respond if i tried to ask anyway.
The first time something fucked up happened with my neighbors was when the son, A, asked me to sleep over in a tent between our homes, and i did, and my warned me not to have sex with him – at 6 years old – and i said okay, not understanding, and then that night A lead me to my parents bedroom window and we watched them have sex. Later A touched me, and humped me, and i froze and didnt fight back. I never told anyone.
The next time something happened, i was looking for A to play with, and because i was an unsupervised 6 year old w absent parents, i was accustomed to just walking into houses. I walked into their house and i looked for him and his dad told me to come downstairs, thats where A was. So i went down to the basement and A was there, with his dad, and about 5 or 6 other grown men sitting around a poker table. A was naked. He wasnt playing, he was sitting very close to another adult man. A told me to run and his father hit him. I turned around and tried to leave but there was another man at the top of the stairs. He picked me up and carried me down the stairs, and As dad told me that it was okay, and i didnt have to be scared, they were just playing a game. I sat on one mans lap and watched them play. A would get up and move to sit near different men, i believe depending on who was winning. The man who won forced A to perform oral sex on him and i sat there and watched. No one touched me, i just watched. As dad told me my mom was whore, and a druggie, and my dad an idiot. He told me there was no reason to tell them what happened, cuz they didnt do anything, and they were going to let me go home now anyway, and i should knock next time. I went back upstairs and i passed As mom putting a needle in her arm in the dinning room then i went home. That happened several more times, the actions towards me increasing each time. After a while they would put their hands in my underwear while i watched and touched me. I dont know how long it went on like that but eventually no one cared about A, they were more interested in me. That feels egotistical to say, like hah yeah, that gross basement pedophile ring perfered ME but i hear the things they said every night. One man told me “you know youre my favorite prize” and i cant get that out of my brain.
Anyway, after a while, just touching me wasnt enough, they needed me to reciprocate. So one night, in the middle of the night, they took me out to the woods, and laid me down on this little wooden baseboard for what used to be a small shack or something, and As dad told me i had to be completely still because he was putting his pet snake (which he did have at home, and he knew i was very scared of it) inside of me, and he told me if i moved the snake would bite me, and that snakes hate blood, so if i make the snake bite me it will probably kill me. So i had to stay completely still out of complete fear while 6 different men took turns raping me. They were so careful not to leave any marks, unlike A. I remember he was always bruised. They didnt care what they did to him. But i had a family to return to, and they did everything they could to manipulate me to stay quiet and keep me from being noticed as an abuse victim. There was another girl, not that night but on various other nights i saw her, M, her dad was a part of the group too, and they treated her the same as me. They really didnt care about A, and eventually A would be instructed to play the games with them, he was no longer a “prize” like myself and M. He wasnt very good at cards tho, so i dont think i remember A ever actually winning.
Another night i remember very specifically they were sitting and playing, it was a couple men i didnt recognize, the men tended to change a lot, some were “regulars” others i only saw once and then never again. This man i only saw once. He won me, and then instructed me to take off my clothes and lay on the table and pretend to sleep. He took out a camera phone and took pictures of me like that. Then he gave $2 and told me be care walking home.
One day i decided that i didnt want to be a prize, and thought that if A got out of it cuz he was a boy, i would rather get smacked than raped, so i cut off all my hair and started saying i was a boy. My parents thought it was a silly kid phase, but As dad locked in me in a dog kennel in their basement one night while they used M as the prize. He called me a dog, and said i was disgusting and kept kicking the cage. I would do thag occassionally, just cut off all my hair and get locked in thr cage instead and i perfered that. He would try to make me feel bad, and tell me that M would be at home sleeping that night if i wasnt so selfish, but i didnt care. Anything i could do to get out of it i would do.
Another night A and his mom invited me over to watch Star Wars. His dad came home midway through, he was angry, he hit A and his wife, then told me i made him happy at least, lead me back to his bedroom and raped me there. When i came back out his wife was just sitting on the couch in a daze.
I think this was one of the very last days this happened, i was won by one of the local hunters and he took me into the woods and i gave him oral before he told me he loved me and i was his favorite again. Then he told me to go home before it got too late. I came out of a daze then ran home and tripped over some rocks in the woods and broke my leg. He picked me up and carried me back to As house, and A and his mom helped me back to my house. They told me i fell out of the tree in my front yard. No one ever bought my story of falling out of the tree because of the details i gave, including the doctor, but i would never change it so they had to eventually. I had a huge cast on my leg and crutches. Im sure there were some men who would have still wanted me at that point, but they were afraid it was too close of a call, and if i got hurt again they would caught.
The last thing i remember As dad telling me was that he let his snake go, and it would aways follow me, and watch me, and it would talk to other snakes, and report back to him, and he told me they were everywhere, always watching me and listening to me, and if i ever told anyone what happened, they would tell him and he would come get me or he would tell the snakes to kill me.
Throughout all of this hell, between this, between the neglect of my parents, and bullying at school, and isolation around my other family, i had to find someway to appear normal, and i developed dissociative identity disorder. I repressed so many of this memories for so long til i was 17 when they slowly starting coming back before the flood gate opened.
Some days i try to find A or M on facebook, or i try to find their family name, or i want to ask other kids from the neighborhood, but im too scared.
I told my parents when i started remembering, but my dad didnt believe me.
I dont know what i want out of writing here, but it feels nice to have it all out there in a way thats not locked in a file with my therapist.
Thank you for reading. Stay safe.