Another update as even more has changed and my last had many people worried.
First i want to say the coworker of my boyfriend is now an excoworker! yay! he got fired for doing even more incredibly violent stuff once we got to a new location.
Before that tho, after the last issue with him trying to break into the room on me, my boyfriend didnt hang out with him anymore. He had to fake be his friend for rides but we have our own car back now so he didnt need to rely on him and they kept their distance and things were much better. That man truly is…unstable tho. He hit someone drunk with his car (and then rammed his car into another coworkers car repeatedly) and i saw it and called the cops. While being arrested (and after getting bailed out) he kept threatening me. With the cops right beside me. It was scary, but also validating that so many people saw how truly evil of a man he was. He no longer works with the company and i havent seen him since. Good riddance! It truly took a load off my shoulders.
My boyfriend has also been way better since getting away from that guy and a couple other coworkers too. Some people just have a talent for bringing out the worst in others, i think, and thats what they did to my boyfriend. He doesnt drink nearly as much either. Things are much better!
Right now its nice to say we are dealing with normal, average adult problems like his job totally lying about how much money he would make and painting this job he took as being so lavish and accomodating but its no where near that. Weve been talking a lot about quitting this job and moving back to his own house he has near his parents thats currently just empty and paid for. Im going a little nuts in a hotel room all day. I love to sew, but i have no space for it. Thats not exacy a very mobile hobby i can pick up and take wherever we go and he wants to spend more time with his family since his grandfather just passed away and his dads pretty tore up about it.
Honestly, i just want to be able to hang posters on my walls and have a sewing room again lol
It is really stressful, and some days i am really depressed, and there have definitely been moments i just cried and said i want to go home more than anything and he says we will he just wants to find the right time to leave, but hes fed up with how hes treated too.
It would be really nice to move somewhere stable too. I could go to therapy again and get back on medication. And i could go to the doctor for the bleeding issue i mentioned last time. Which i would also like to mention I did talk to a doctor about before and they said it was due to an infection, gave me some cream, and said when the infection was gone it should stop, but the infection was cured a long time ago and the bleeding continues. But there was no report of a cyst or anything else like that. Im not sure, but ill definitely bring it up once i can see one. I could honestly probably get into a health department here, but without giving away my exact location ill just say the job were on right now is in one of the biggest covid hotspots in america so if its not an emergency i think im gonna just wait it out. Esspecially because I know when we move back to where his house is we’ll be in an area that is much, much safer. Ive also discovered if i just get a little tipsy first the bleeding doesnt always happen, so im wondering if its just being stressed and anxious and not totally relaxed? Im obviously not a doctor tho lol
I also do not have a therapist anymore after our most recent move. She said since im out of state, the grant no longer covers me so im on my own. Ive been off my antidepressants and mood stabilizers for a couple weeks now and i can definitely tell a difference. Im trying to just stay aware of it and keep myself in check on my emotions as much as i can but its really hard. Luckily i dont have to get a job so it not totally awful if i stay up til 4 am and sleep til noon everyday or if I cant always put together a sentence or if i have to ask people to repeat themselves over and over to process language. So im struggling, but surviving.
And aside from the extra difficulties from a lack of medication, most of my issues are things everyone has had issues with which is always something that makes me feel better. One of my old therapists used to congratulate me when i had a Normal Person Problem like not getting a job promotion or having a car breakdown. It always feels nice to remember that sometimes my life is mundane even when its upsetting, its not always a catastrophe and its not always something that no one else can relate to. So for now im kind of okay with being upset that i dont like our living situation and i wish my bf would quit his job literally tomorrow. Im okay with it. Were so broke he borrowed money from his boss to make it to the next paycheck but thats okay.
Ive definitely found a very strong sense of calm in myself recently. There are definitely still times i feel my heart start beating out of my chest and i have no idea why i am petrified to go get some ice from the ice machine in the lobby or go get some sodas from the store. No idea why my body goes so suddenly into fight or flight over absolutely nothing recently. But it seems like whenever im actually in an extremely stressful situation right now, this blanket of calm just wraps me up and in my head I just hear a voice saying “Everything is going to be alright” and I can find it in myself in those situations to slow down and think straight. I just wish this soothing voice could show up when my brain goes into overdrive thinking about ordering food in a drive thru or asking the front desk for clean towels. I dont know.
Things are up and down, but i think for the most part theyre neutral, and all things considered, that seems like an improvement to me.