Fifthteenth post

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Another update as even more has changed and my last had many people worried. 

First i want to say the coworker of my boyfriend is now an excoworker! yay! he got fired for doing even more incredibly violent stuff once we got to a new location.

Before that tho, after the last issue with him trying to break into the room on me, my boyfriend didnt hang out with him anymore. He had to fake be his friend for rides but we have our own car back now so he didnt need to rely on him and they kept their distance and things were much better. That man truly is…unstable tho. He hit someone drunk with his car (and then rammed his car into another coworkers car repeatedly) and i saw it and called the cops. While being arrested (and after getting bailed out) he kept threatening me. With the cops right beside me. It was scary, but also validating that so many people saw how truly evil of a man he was. He no longer works with the company and i havent seen him since. Good riddance! It truly took a load off my shoulders. 

My boyfriend has also been way better since getting away from that guy and a couple other coworkers too. Some people just have a talent for bringing out the worst in others, i think, and thats what they did to my boyfriend. He doesnt drink nearly as much either. Things are much better!

Right now its nice to say we are dealing with normal, average adult problems like his job totally lying about how much money he would make and painting this job he took as being so lavish and accomodating but its no where near that. Weve been talking a lot about quitting this job and moving back to his own house he has near his parents thats currently just empty and paid for. Im going a little nuts in a hotel room all day. I love to sew, but i have no space for it. Thats not exacy a very mobile hobby i can pick up and take wherever we go and he wants to spend more time with his family since his grandfather just passed away and his dads pretty tore up about it. 

Honestly, i just want to be able to hang posters on my walls and have a sewing room again lol

It is really stressful, and some days i am really depressed, and there have definitely been moments i just cried and said i want to go home more than anything and he says we will he just wants to find the right time to leave, but hes fed up with how hes treated too. 

It would be really nice to move somewhere stable too. I could go to therapy again and get back on medication. And i could go to the doctor for the bleeding issue i mentioned last time. Which i would also like to mention I did talk to a doctor about before and they said it was due to an infection, gave me some cream, and said when the infection was gone it should stop, but the infection was cured a long time ago and the bleeding continues. But there was no report of a cyst or anything else like that. Im not sure, but ill definitely bring it up once i can see one. I could honestly probably get into a health department here, but without giving away my exact location ill just say the job were on right now is in one of the biggest covid hotspots in america so if its not an emergency i think im gonna just wait it out. Esspecially because I know when we move back to where his house is we’ll be in an area that is much, much safer. Ive also discovered if i just get a little tipsy first the bleeding doesnt always happen, so im wondering if its just being stressed and anxious and not totally relaxed? Im obviously not a doctor tho lol

I also do not have a therapist anymore after our most recent move. She said since im out of state, the grant no longer covers me so im on my own. Ive been off my antidepressants and mood stabilizers for a couple weeks now and i can definitely tell a difference. Im trying to just stay aware of it and keep myself in check on my emotions as much as i can but its really hard. Luckily i dont have to get a job so it not totally awful if i stay up til 4 am and sleep til noon everyday or if I cant always put together a sentence or if i have to ask people to repeat themselves over and over to process language. So im struggling, but surviving. 

And aside from the extra difficulties from a lack of medication, most of my issues are things everyone has had issues with which is always something that makes me feel better. One of my old therapists used to congratulate me when i had a Normal Person Problem like not getting a job promotion or having a car breakdown. It always feels nice to remember that sometimes my life is mundane even when its upsetting, its not always a catastrophe and its not always something that no one else can relate to. So for now im kind of okay with being upset that i dont like our living situation and i wish my bf would quit his job literally tomorrow. Im okay with it. Were so broke he borrowed money from his boss to make it to the next paycheck but thats okay.

Ive definitely found a very strong sense of calm in myself recently. There are definitely still times i feel my heart start beating out of my chest and i have no idea why i am petrified to go get some ice from the ice machine in the lobby or go get some sodas from the store. No idea why my body goes so suddenly into fight or flight over absolutely nothing recently. But it seems like whenever im actually in an extremely stressful situation right now, this blanket of calm just wraps me up and in my head I just hear a voice saying “Everything is going to be alright” and I can find it in myself in those situations to slow down and think straight. I just wish this soothing voice could show up when my brain goes into overdrive thinking about ordering food in a drive thru or asking the front desk for clean towels. I dont know. 

Things are up and down, but i think for the most part theyre neutral, and all things considered, that seems like an improvement to me. 


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30 comments

  1. jlanderos16 Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,
    Thank you for sharing and updating with us! First off, I’m glad to hear that he is no longer in the same workplace as you! But I’m glad your life is going so far good! Hope to hear from you again! Please be safe and careful!

  2. JWorks Volunteer

    Soundscape,

    Thanks for updating us,
    I’m glad to hear that he is no longer in the same workplace as you. That sounded frightening. Sewing is a fun hobby and it sounds like it’s something you love to do. I hope that you’re able to get back into it soon. I hope that your anxiety attacks lessen and/or your techniques on dealing with them strengthen. Good luck and please keep us updated.

    -Jay

  3. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Soundscape,

    Great to have you back for another update. First off, glad that he’s no longer a coworker! I remember from your last update how scary it was to have him around and I’m glad that you’ll have less contact with him now. So that is a good reason to celebrate, and I hope that weight is lifted!

    I hope that you’re able to sew again soon. I would also feel on edge if I was trapped in the hotel room all day. I hope whatever you both decide to do moving wise works out! And you’re right, a therapist sounds like a great idea once you’re back in a comfortable living arrangement, I have confidence that this will all work out for you.

    I’m sorry to hear about your recent anxiety attacks as well, but I like how you were able to find a sense of calm within yourself. I hope that these improvements continue and that does seem like something to celebrate! I hope to see you back for another update soon.

  4. pianogirl44 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Something that I found really interesting is how you mentioned that some people bring out the worst in others. I think that this is a really important point to touch on because we often do not give others the credit they deserve for making our lives miserable. We are so quick to blame ourselves, but it is important that you recognize that it is other people that often contribute to you we feel. I also thought that it is great that you have this greater self-awareness when it comes to keeping your emotions in check. It is definitely hard at times since our emotions don’t tell us why they are affecting us in the way that they are. You seem to be doing a lot of self-reflection, which is super challenging. It is so wonderful to see that you are in a better place. It is definitely nice to hear that you feel as though some things in your life have improved. So happy to hear of your progress!

  5. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again Soundscape!

    I’m very glad to hear about all that relief that you’ve gotten to experience with your ex-coworker out of your life. I agree that some people can bring out the worst in others, and it sounds like you and your boyfriend are in a really good place right now, all things considered. I hope you’re able to move into the house! I remember not being able to spread out in my old apartment (which was probably about the size of a large hotel room) and how much that drove me up the wall. It’ll hopefully continue to give you some peace of mind to have a sewing room again! I’ve been wanting to take up sewing 🙂

    It’s good that you’re also wanting to get back into therapy. I know who I turn into when I’m not on my medication, and it’s sometimes really hard to manage that. You’re doing incredible! Keep dipping into the coping toolbox as needed, and be patient with yourself.

    Glad to hear about your progress!!

  6. Neesha Volunteer

    I’m glad that guy is an ex coworker and other people [including police officers] got to witness how unstable he is. I know things are not great, I am glad they are improving. It is rough to be living in a hotel and not have your own home with safer access to medical professionals. Is it possible for you to access telehealth or an online version of therapy? It might be able to help you get your medication or have someone who can regularly hold space for you.

    2020 has been a devastating year for most of us. A lot of us have a smaller bandwidth of acceptable stress before we go into overdrive. It makes sense you go in flight or fight over supposedly smaller things.

    As always thank you for updating us. We are here for you whenever you choose to share.

  7. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m glad that your co-worker got fired and that things are improving for you, even if life seems just neutral for now. I hope that things will continue to improve for you and that you will stay safe and positive. Feel free to share your thoughts whenever you want to!

  8. zelda Volunteer

    Welcome back, Soundscape! Thank you for the update. I was worried about you after reading your last post, but now I feel relieved knowing you are feeling and doing better than before.

    Your boyfriend’s coworker getting fired from his job is such a blessing. Hopefully, you’ll never see him again. His behavior was volatile and violent, and trying to break into your room was such an unnerving and worrisome crime to commit. I’m glad he’s out of your life.

    Maybe it would be a good idea to move back into your boyfriend’s old house. You guys would have a solid home to live in, you would be able to get back on your medication, and y’all would be closer to family and friends. But I understand life is not always that simple. Sometimes, the choices we have to make can be complicated and unfair. I’m just hoping that you both are happy and healthy, no matter where you live or what the circumstances are like.

    Again, thank you for updating us on what’s going on in your life. We appreciate your voice, and we love hearing about how far you’ve come. The 2020 year has definitely been one for the books, but in a bad way. So much loss, devastation, and illness. During these difficult times, reminding ourselves of our blessings can be a real challenge. But there are silver linings to be thankful for, even in the midst of darkness. Keep your chin up, always remember your worth, and know your strength. You’re an important part of our community, and we’re so happy to have you here. Be safe, and God bless. ☮️

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so glad that your boyfriend’s coworker is away from you and your boyfriend – it must be such a relief. It’s great that you’re safe and finding a sense of calm in yourself! That’s wonderful, and you’re making progress. I hope you’ll be able to consult a doctor soon, get back on your medication, and find a new therapist; knowing what helps you and having these helpful things is important! I commend you for acknowledging the ups and the downs in a realistic way.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to help in any way we can, and you can share whenever you like! It sounds like you’re doing well, and you can get through this.

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back to give us an update and letting us know that you are much safer now. It sounded like things were getting pretty scary with the coworker! Hopefully, other things will improve for you soon, so that you can have your medications, therapy, and sewing. I find that when I am able to accept a situation (feel neutral about it), I am much calmer and I am able to ride things out until they change. Having the ablilty to see it that way is certainly an improvement! We are here to listen whenever you feel like writing.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. Rustin Day Captain

    HI Soundscape,
    I’m glad that your situation seems to have gotten better. It may not be the best it could, but I’m sure you feel safer without your boyfriend’s coworker being around. You’re right. Some people can bring out the worst in others and it’s best to know who to stay away from because of the impact that can have. Even though you do have bad days in the hotel room, I think it’s great that you are still very optimistic about the situation. It will get better and it’s nice to know that you believe that as well. Keep that sense of calm around you and you will learn how to channel it in situations that cause you stress. It takes time, but you will pull through and be able to do tasks such as ordering at a drive thru. Look at everything else you’ve been through. You can definitely conquer this concern. We appreciate the updates!

  12. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for your update! It must have been terrifying when he was threatening you, and I’m glad he is out of your life now and you can have some peace. It’s also great to hear that your boyfriend has been doing better. It’s understandable to still be stressed sometimes after everything you’ve been through, but I’m hearing that you’re able to keep pushing through and that you’re finding moments of peace, which shows incredible strength and growth.

    Wishing you all the best,
    -Rachel

  13. nvehovc Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    I am so happy to hear this update for us and thank you for taking the time. I’m very happy to hear that you seem to be in a better place now. I can only imagine how difficult times must be without your usual therapist and medication, but I am very impressed by how well you seem to be handling everything. It is important to remember that it is completely okay and understandable to still feel afraid sometimes, but what is important is that you found a calm in yourself which must have taken so much work. Know that we are all here to listen to your stories and updates.

  14. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you so much for coming back on here and updating us. I’m so happy that most things are going the way you want them to go. I’m sure your ex-coworker getting fired will make your life, as well as your boyfriend’s life a lot easier, since you mentioned that he seemed to be a bad influence to your boyfriend. I’m glad that you’re just dealing with “normal adult problems” and it’s completely okay to feel frustrated and cry it out sometimes. That’s a part of our ups and downs in life. Although it can be difficult to maintain at times, finding a strong sense of calm in yourself is an amazing thing to have. I’m really sorry you aren’t able to continue therapy or taking your medications anymore. But all in all, I’m glad things have improved immensely for you. We’re here to support you through your healing journey. Feel free to come back on here and update us at any time. All the love.

  15. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi soundscape,

    It is great to hear an update from you! And while things are still up and down as you mentioned, it sounds like you are in a much better place than your last post. I am so glad about that! It is an improvement and that is something to be proud of. I hope you are able to see your therapist soon. Hopefully you will be done living in the hotel soon as well! Good luck with this stage of your journey! Remember, we are always here for you!

    Wishing you the best,
    -Natalie

  16. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. We really appreciate you keeping in touch. So glad to hear that the coworker was fired. I hope this means that you will no longer see him around. It’s also good to hear that with better influences around your boyfriend has been more respectful to you. It sounds like you are in a much healthier space being able to decorate and look into your hobbies. Sewing sounds like a lot of fun! I wish I was talented with a needle and thread. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been cut off from your therapist, we have some resources here if you want to try and find a new program: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ and we are always here for you as well!

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  17. jao1820 Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    Thank you for keeping us updated! I’m glad you’re in a less toxic and safer environment. In life there are so many ups and downs and I’m glad you are being strong and getting through them.

    I hope you’ll be able to see your therapist again and return to your medications. For now continue being strong and keep up with the coping strategies you’ve implemented. You have a very resilient personality with is very inspiring. Stay safe and strong.

    – J.A.O.

  18. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Soundscape,

    Thanks for the update! I’m SO happy to see that your boyfriend’s coworker got fired! That was such an unhealthy and toxic environment for everyone involved. I truly hope he gets the help he needs!

    Have you ever tried knitting? It’s a bit more mobile than sewing and is super time consuming – maybe it could be a bit of an escape for you until you’re able to have your own sewing room again! I hope you are able to move back to your boyfriend’s house soon. Does he have any paperwork that explains his pay/benefits that he can use to hold his company accountable? That might help you both relax until he can find a better job closer to home. I’m glad you’re able to keep yourself grounded by using some calming techniques you’ve picked up over time. That’s so important in the healing process. It sounds like you’re in a really good place right now and I’m so happy for you! Keep your chin up!

    Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you! You know we’re here to help!
    Marissa

  19. lizzi

    Hey soundscape,
    Thank you so much for the update! I was quite concerned about you after your last post. You had so many scary things going on around you, and it didn’t seem like a safe environment to be in. I’m glad to hear that things are going better and that now most of your problems and just “normal people problems.” I like that term. We all have problems, but a lot of them are normal life problems, and it’s great to recognize that these are normal problems that many people face and that you can handle them! It sounds like it might be nice to move back to the house so that you can resume your hobbies and have a place that’s yours. I can only imagine how boring it must be in a small hotel room, especially with COVID. Neutral may not be great, but it’s better than down! I’m glad to hear of the improvement, and keep us updated! We’re here for you.

  20. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for coming back and updating us on your situation. Considering your move and exploring the option of a therapist, you can visit our “Find Help” tab on our website where you can find resources near you. It seems that you are trying to change your perspective on things and look more at the positive things – for example, this calming voice and how the coworker is no longer a coworker. We are here for you! I hope these comments are reassuring!
    Stay strong <3

  21. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you for your update! it’s definitely nice to know that coworker is out of your life, finally. Seems like things have really gotten better, amidst the bad things it’s good to see the positive things. So I’m glad your boyfriend has been treating you better and that he’s not drinking as much, also that you’ve found a sense of calm within yourself–thats really really amazing.

    Hopefully you’ll be able to see your therapist soon enough and have your medications back as well, I wish your boyfriend luck at work as well and hopefully land a better one soon too. You’ve been doing really well lately specially taking into account the current circumstances so you should be proud of yourself for that.

    Update us anytime you want, we’re always here for you!

    stay safe,
    sol.

  22. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    it is great to hear from you again. Thank you for your update. Glad the boyfriend coworker was fired. He seemed like a person you and your boyfriend don’t need in your life. I hope you able to move soon. It is awful that the grant doesn’t cover your mental health and it does sound like you are doing your best with what you are given. thank you for updating us and how things are going and please feel free to reach out to us again.

  23. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It’s great to hear from you again, thank you for the updates. It’s good to hear that your boyfriend’s coworker has been fired. He definitely sounds like a violent person, and it’s great that you and your boyfriend are away from him now. It sounds like both of you are wanting to move back to his old house, especially after finding out his job was a bit misleading. A hotel room definitely doesn’t sound conducive to do the things you enjoy like sewing. Hopefully you’re all able to move soon.

    It’s awful that the grant doesn’t cover you anymore since you’re out of state. It sounds like you’re doing your best in your current situation, and that’s something to be proud of. Finding a strong sense of calm in yourself is amazing. Hopefully it continues on from here. Thank you again for updating us about how things are going, and please feel free to reach out again if you need it. Take care.

  24. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back and updating us on how you’re doing! I’m so glad that you were able to cut ties with your boyfriend’s coworker, and I hope you never have to see him again. I’m sorry that your boyfriend’s job isn’t the greatest, and I hope you can move to place you feel comfortable with soon! I’m happy to hear that you have had a strong sense of calm recently, and I hope that the voice in your head continues to be a comfort for you. Take care, and as always we are here for you when you want to talk.

  25. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape, Thanks for sharing your story and giving us an update. It sounds like you are in a better place, mentally anyway. I mean, the covid-hotspot is kind of scary. But at least the jerk from work is no longer working there and is not hanging out with your boy friend and that has gotten better. I hope you can have that more stable place, in the more safe area. But working is important too. Have you discussed with your boyfriend what opportunities there are where the house and the family are located?

  26. musicislove

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for updating us on what’s going on, I’m glad there have been some changes that improve your situation! It’s great that the old coworker that was making you so uneasy is out of the picture, I am sorry he caused so much harm beforehand though. I’m also sorry you’re unhappy where you’re at, it’s got to be hard having no space for what you love and feeling so off because you don’t have access to the things that usually help. It must be stressful being in a COVID hotspot, hopefully soon you can get home and get the care you need, that will probably be a huge improvement. Even though you have a lot going on, I’m glad things feel neutral right now. Please come back any time, we’re always here for you.

    Delaney

  27. rainedprieto Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    I’m really happy that you guys aren’t near the excoworker now, and I’m really happy that your boyfriend has been getting better, as well – which I’m sure is what he wanted for himself, for the both of you! I’m sorry about how difficult it is to find therapy and medication, especially with the pandemic going on right now. However, if you haven’t considered it, doing therapy online would be nice. Despite this it’s nice to know that you’ve managed without a therapist. That takes a lot of strength and discipline. Despite your other problems and the overthinking the excoworker caused you you’ve managed to find calm. It’s brave, admirable and I wish more progress for you!

  28. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you for updating us. I’m happy things are going okay and you are safe. It’s good to be at the right place right time for you to see that your boyfriends ex coworker was drunk and hitting cars. It’s also great to hear that your boyfriend is able to quit his job soon and move back home. Being in a COVID hotspot can be scary so moving is definitely the safest option.
    I’m sorry about the loss of your boyfriends grandpa. Losing a family member is extremely hard. I lost my grandpa resentful, so I know exactly how your boyfriend feels. Moving and being closer to family is a great idea and will help with the grieving process.
    When you can go to a doctor hopefully they can tell you why you are bleeding. Like you said it could be from stress or anxiety, but it’s better to have a doctor tell you.
    I’m sorry that you also don’t have therapy right now. If you need to talk we are always here for you or if you need immediate help you can text VOICE to 741-741. Being off medication can make life a lot more difficult but having that voice in your head telling you that you are going to be okay is great! Continue to do that it will definitely help. As for being scared to get ice or order food it’s okay. Sometimes hotels can be scary and walking alone in the room where the ice is can be creepy especially when there isn’t anyone that you can see it hear. When I order food I get the worst anxiety. I think everyone gets like that and it’s okay. I sometimes before I get to the speaker at the drive thru I practice what I’m gonna say so when I’m ready to order I say my order without messing up.
    I’m happy things are getting better for you. Hopefully they continue to get better. Thank you for updating us. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  29. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I’m glad that you are doing better, even if some things are less than ideal. I’m sorry about the troubles with therapy and lack of medication. Are there resources in your current area that are free that you can access? Even if only temporary? I understand though wanting to wait to find things until you’re feeling more stable. Let us know how else we can help.

    Erin

  30. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    Thanks for coming back with an update! I am so relieved to hear that all ties have been cut with this ex-coworker and I’m glad you feel more relaxed now. And I think that some people bring out the good/bad qualities in someone, like you said, so it’s great to hear that things with your boyfriend improved with some of these toxic people no longer in the picture. And I hear your frustration about wanting your own place!! I can imagine it being annoying because you’re not truly settled down, and maybe a little more unsettling without your medication. With COVID spiking, I definitely understand avoiding hospitals/doctors right now. Would you be comfortable calling a doctor in your area to see if they can prescribe you your medication? I was in a very similar situation once and when I called a new doctor and told them that I no longer have the medication, they were very accommodating. But even through this, I’m so impressed with your desire and strive to stay mindful and calm. Stay strong, friend. We are always here for you.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre