Fifth post

Im in kind of a dark place tonight, so maybe this one wont be as positive and optmisticnas i usually try to sound here. 

I know im getting better, but it doesnt stop my brain completely from falling into some of the darker places. 

Sometimes i wonder about what would have happened to me if I had died when i was small. I know that its a common reaction for survivors to look back on their abuse and think “it could have been worse” or something but all i ever think is that the only way it could have been worse would be if i had died, and sometimes i wonder if i would have been better off. 

I dont mean that in a suicidal way, its not that i wish i were dead now, but sometimes i feel like what i went through is now nothing more than the shitty memories a normal adult that doesnt really matter anymore besides in my mind and will never seen anything come of it. 

Just growing up and recovering and moving on is great for me, but sometimes i wonder if i had died if it would have been better for the greater good. Maybe if i had died, they would have been found out, and A and M would have been saved, and As mom would get away from that life too. All those evil men could have been found out and gone to jail for a long time. 

Now, i can only hope that A is somewhere safe, and hopefully didnt follow in his fathers footsteps the way he was grooming him to become, and is moving on with his life too. I can only hope M got away from her dad and is okay now. I can only hope that As dad got into a freak accident and drove off a cliff that just so happen to be right above all those other men and just happened to land on the rest of them.

I can only hope that some part of it all got resolved in any way. 

I know its just wishful thinking, and nothing will ever come from it but probably sadness and negativity if i keep thinking about it, but its hard not to at least wonder sometimes. 

One of my alters, as a part of just the weirdness of DID i guess, seems to remember that i did “die” during all of it, and remembers a lot of events that absolutely are not true, and im sure a lot of these thoughts can be contributed to her and her idealistic view of death. 

I want to reiterate im not suicidal though. I dont want to die, im very happy with my life right now, im maybe the most content ive been in years. I even got a new puppy the other day! Hes very small and cute. Im seeing my boyfriend again tomorrow, work is alright, and my family and friends are great!

But i always get so…obssessed with doing better than just alright. I dont like that im just living, i have this sort of superhero complex, i want to change the world or something i guess, and when my brain gets in this very dark place my first thiught is that maybe if i had died i would have changed something. 

But i know thats not true. There are so many cases of children dying as a result of their abuse, and yet more cases happen every year. Something like dying cant put a stop to child abuse. It would have only made my parents very sad and caused them to blame themselves for more than their share of the fault. It would not have been this huge thing that changes the world, it would have been a very sad story for the news papers, and maybe A would be ablento get away safely but hed still be traumatized, and maybe his dad and/or some of the men would go to jail but that would stop it all, they couldnt catch all of them, i cant even remember how many different men their were anyway. It wouldnt have changed anything. Maybe there would be a small plaque on a park bench with my name and eventually no one would know what it was even for anymore. 

Whatever i think i could do while dead would only last as long as i had to publics attention which probably would not be long. 

But when im alive, i can do something. Even if im merely surviving, i am doing something. Even if im just anonymously talking online to strangers about my story, im doing more than i would be in a tiny casket in the ground. 

Even thought i want to change the world, i can at least try and settle for just surviving. 

Join the Conversation


  1. mkyuellig

    Hello again soundscape,

    It sounds like you already know this, but everything you’re feeling is perfectly natural and normal for survivors. Trauma like this literally changes the chemistry and physiology of the brain, so it makes sense that even though you are doing well, you are still struggling with depression and to process what you’ve been through. I want you to know that even though it might not feel like a big thing, you coming and sharing your story here is absolutely having a positive impact on the world. Other people can read your account and feel someone understands them. They can observe your strength and how much you’ve overcome, and that can inspire them to overcome their own issues. Remember that progress isn’t linear. There are bad days and good days, and both are perfectly natural.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,

  2. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi soundscape,

    Thank you for coming here to share and update us! I am glad to hear that you feel you are doing well and doing the best that you have been in a while. I am sorry though that you feel you are not doing as well as you think you could be. It is really inspiring that you want to take what happened to you and make a change to the world. You are so strong and I know you will one day change the world. But before you can do that, you have to finish healing yourself. Sometimes it gets really hard and the recovery process can be very slow. You have to always remember to put yourself first and keep working on you then the changing the world will come! Know we are always in your corner rooting for you! You can do this!


  3. Lizzi G

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m glad to hear that some things are going really well in your life. Congrats on the new puppy! That must be so fun, and animals can be so helpful during difficult times. Remember that healing isn’t always positive and it’s okay to have days where you aren’t as optimistic. We don’t want you to feel like you have to fake the positivity if that’s just not what you’re feeling. I think it’s actually pretty normal to wonder the things you are about if you had died. Many people that go through some kind of trauma wonder that for various reasons. If you had died you wouldn’t have had to suffer like you do now, or maybe justice would’ve come to those that hurt you. But you are alive, and we’re all thankful for that. Even when things are pretty bad, remember that they will get better. Maybe right now you feel like you’re just surviving but I believe you can change the world.

    Much hope,

  4. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    I want you to know that you’re not just “merely surviving.” You are changing the world every single day just by sharing your story here the first time, and your continued posts help change things even more. You are showing people that these are real, serious issues, and that you have fought through everything that has been thrown at you. You’re shedding light on a seriously dark and hidden problem in today’s society. So please don’t say you’re not doing anything. You’re doing way more than you know.

    I know it’s really hard to get out of those dark corners of your brain, but it sounds like you’re on a really great path upwards. It’s really great that you realize that, even by sharing with us anonymously, you’re making a difference. I think that’s super important in the road to healing.

    You’re doing amazing. Please don’t hesitate to reach out again if you need anything. We’re here for you, no matter what!


  5. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hello there,

    I am glad you want to be alive and I am glad you are alive. Survivors guilt can manifest itself in many ways and it is entirely possible that this is what you are experiencing. What you’re feeling is completely normal and valid. You may not see it, but you are in fact changing the world just by posting here. Your honesty and openness encourages and validates others on their healing journey. I thank you for consistently posting here, even though it can sometimes be difficult. You are a warrior. I wish you the very best.

    Warmest regards,

  6. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    It’s normal to have hard days, so don’t be ashamed of that. I am glad you are happy with your life right now and that you want to be alive. We want you here and there are others in your life that do as well. You survived, and you continue to survive each day. I understand where you are coming from when you say you have a hero complex. I often strive for perfection to counteract what has happened to me. Just remember that you don’t have to be perfect because no one is. It’s okay to have some days that are amazing and other days that aren’t so great. You are so strong. Thank you for coming back to update us and share with us. We support you.


  7. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    I feel like every time you post here, you end up finishing your post with almost exactly what I was going to say to you. It’s incredible how you are able to take control of your negative thoughts and turn them into more positive cognitions. You should be really proud of that; that’s a huge strength that you have! Even when we are doing well, sometimes negative thoughts slip through everything else. If you have been trained to think or have been thinking one way for a long time, it is not uncommon that sometimes it comes back. The important part is that you continue to fight the bad thoughts and be the strong individual we all know you are. Just like you said, despite the initial thoughts about dying while young, you can do so much more while you’re alive. Just by making it through all that you have been through and sharing your story, you show other survivors that they can make it too; which is more helpful than you could imagine. There will be days when you are thriving and days when you are just surviving, and both kinds of days are absolutely okay.

    You’re doing amazing, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Much love,

  8. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there,
    Thanks for sharing with us again, it means a lot . As for having good and bad days it’s completely normal, that darkness happens on bad days but accepting it and knowing that in the end the light will be there is the best thing you can do. It takes a lot of strength to recognize that darkness sitting there , I know you’ll be okay and know we will continue to be here for you .
    Stay Strong!

  9. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I hope you realize that sharing these dark times speak highly of you. You are strong as you have taken the time to self-reflect. This is a large step towards more good days. You are capable of so many things and I hope you can use this self-reflection skill you have to reflect on the relationships and people you have encountered and how you’ve impacted them. You are so worthy and strong. Thank you for confiding in us. We are here to support you!

    Stay strong <3

  10. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi soundscape,

    It’s totally normal to have both good days and bad days. I appreciate you being willing to update us with both the good and the bad things that happen. It sounds like you’ve been ruminating about this a lot, which is completely okay. It is comforting to know that you are happy with your life right now. Please don’t hesitate on reaching out again. Take care.

  11. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself in a dark place recently. You’re right, it’s all a part of recovery to return to those dark parts of ourselves every once and a while. I’m glad you reached out to us and shared these feelings, and I’m glad that you’re alive and continuing to make a difference through your recovery journey. We’re always here for you in darkness or in light. You got a new puppy? That sounds like so much fun! Please feel free to reach out again anytime you might need to. Take care,


  12. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m sorry you are in a dark place. You will get past this. You are strong. You deserve to live. No one wants you dead. You are strong, amazing, and beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Just remember when you get like this to just breath and relax. if you need anything else you can message us back. You can also text VOICE to 741-741.

  13. rkr18 Volunteer


    We truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feeling with us. . And we are glad you are alive! Please continue to share as often as you wish


  14. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there soundscape,

    Your post truly resonated with me. You may not feel like you are changing the world, but you are. Those feelings you feel are similar to so many others, like myself, which can be comforting to hear. You (we) are not alone. I too understand the superhero complex and wanting to save the world. Is there something small you can do to help that feeling? Maybe volunteering, or even continuing to write these posts, like you mentioned.

    I’m glad to hear life is going well. Getting a new puppy can truly be exciting! Animals are also a great comfort skill that are always there for you.

    Please keep fighting. Sending light your way,

  15. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I am glad that you are here to share and discuss these things with us. I’m so glad you trust us!

    What you’re feeling is difficult. It’s often easier to find compassion for others affected by these traumas than it is to be compassionate to ourselves. I love that you’re recognizing the different, opposing sides of the way you feel. It’s amazing that you’re able to do that, because our feelings aren’t often easy to deal with. You’re right in that you’re doing more than you would be otherwise. Sometimes, simply existing is the win, and it’s amazing that you see that. Keep reminding yourself that.

    If you need anything else, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3

  16. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Soundscape. Thanks for sharing with us. I totally understand your thought process about dying. I think it’s completely normal to have those kinds of thoughts. Sometimes it’s easier to have compassion for other people, like you have for A & M, than ourselves. But I’m so glad you’re alive to tell your story. It definitely helps me. You’re right, there’s no guarantee your death would have changed anything. Child abuse continues, unfortunately. I think it’s great you are honoring that part of you that feels that way, but also knowing it’s not true. I try to remind myself frequently that existing is a good thing. Just existing in this moment, even if I’m just sitting here doing nothing, means I’ve survived every moment prior. Just you existing is a miracle, defying the odds. Thanks for the update. We’re always here if you need us.

  17. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m glad that you’re still here today and that you’re happy with your life right now. You’re surviving, and that’s incredible. You sharing your story here can be cathartic for yourself, and it can help others who may experience similar thoughts and feelings.
    I understand that feeling of not doing enough. However, when it comes to changing the world, it takes a series of small steps. I don’t think it’s typically something that happens overnight, and it can take time. You can take your time with this and figure out how you want to change the world.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to help you if you need anything. You can get through this, and we’re happy that you’re here.

  18. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back and sharing your thoughts with us. It is good to know that you trust us enough to share more than just your story with us. Being honest about it helps others feel safe enough to share and breaks down some of the taboo. You are making a difference!! The more people share and talk about things, the more we realize that many people have those same thoughts and feelings and the more they are able to talk about them and feel understood and connected. We are all thankful that you didn’t die during what happened to you. Taking care of A & M was/is not your responsibility and bringing justice to the adults was not your job either. Your job was to be a child and to grow into an adult. You did that and you were AMAZING at it considering everything you went through to do it. You’ve got this!!
    Sending you love and strength,

  19. Gamato04

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am very sorry that you think this at times, even if you are not suicidal. Trying to move on from trauma is hard but it helps when you have a support system which it sounds like you do. While we can’t change the past, no matter how often we wish we could, the future is completely malleable. You can create a future where you will change the world because by coming here and sharing your story, you are already changing the lives of those who read it in hopes of finding someone going through a similar situation to feel less alone. You are changing the world person by person.

  20. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It is common and understandable to go through dark patches or to question how things could have been different. But you are so important and brave and we are so glad that you are still here with us. You didn’t do anything wrong and while it is understandable, there is no reason that you should feel guilty. You reacted to the situation in the best way you knew how to. Your safety is the most important thing. You are still here for a reason. You are doing so much good by telling your story and taking steps in your journey and we are so proud of you. Keep your head up and never lose sight of how brave and strong you are. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if there is anything that we can do to help you.

  21. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    It’s normal to think like that. What if this or that? I used to think like that as well its normal to have those feelings but its important to remember that you are here and you have to live your best life. I’m glad you are happy with how your life is now and want to try to change the world. Having that kind of mentality is so good and i’m happy to hear that’s how you are thinking! These thoughts about if you would of died are not good to think of have you thought about talking to anyone? It could help to work through these issues that you are feeling. You are doing such a good job and we believe in you! We are always here for you and if we can help you in any way please let us know!

  22. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am glad that you know that if you had died, it would not have changed anything. We are glad you are here. I’m glad you’re here. I used to have thoughts similar to that-at least, I used to wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t here anymore, what would life be like if I ceased to exist. After I started feeling those things, I went into therapy, to talk through those thoughts, and it really helped. I cannot remember, have you thought about seeking a therapist/are you seeing one? It might be helpful to talk through these thoughts. It’s okay to go to dark places sometimes-but you don’t want it to consume you. You are alive, you are surviving. That’s more than so many people can do, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Glad you just got a new puppy! Animals are amazing.

    I know it can feel like you aren’t doing enough. But you’re doing more than you probably realize. Keep coming back to share. We are here for you.