Im in kind of a dark place tonight, so maybe this one wont be as positive and optmisticnas i usually try to sound here.
I know im getting better, but it doesnt stop my brain completely from falling into some of the darker places.
Sometimes i wonder about what would have happened to me if I had died when i was small. I know that its a common reaction for survivors to look back on their abuse and think “it could have been worse” or something but all i ever think is that the only way it could have been worse would be if i had died, and sometimes i wonder if i would have been better off.
I dont mean that in a suicidal way, its not that i wish i were dead now, but sometimes i feel like what i went through is now nothing more than the shitty memories a normal adult that doesnt really matter anymore besides in my mind and will never seen anything come of it.
Just growing up and recovering and moving on is great for me, but sometimes i wonder if i had died if it would have been better for the greater good. Maybe if i had died, they would have been found out, and A and M would have been saved, and As mom would get away from that life too. All those evil men could have been found out and gone to jail for a long time.
Now, i can only hope that A is somewhere safe, and hopefully didnt follow in his fathers footsteps the way he was grooming him to become, and is moving on with his life too. I can only hope M got away from her dad and is okay now. I can only hope that As dad got into a freak accident and drove off a cliff that just so happen to be right above all those other men and just happened to land on the rest of them.
I can only hope that some part of it all got resolved in any way.
I know its just wishful thinking, and nothing will ever come from it but probably sadness and negativity if i keep thinking about it, but its hard not to at least wonder sometimes.
One of my alters, as a part of just the weirdness of DID i guess, seems to remember that i did “die” during all of it, and remembers a lot of events that absolutely are not true, and im sure a lot of these thoughts can be contributed to her and her idealistic view of death.
I want to reiterate im not suicidal though. I dont want to die, im very happy with my life right now, im maybe the most content ive been in years. I even got a new puppy the other day! Hes very small and cute. Im seeing my boyfriend again tomorrow, work is alright, and my family and friends are great!
But i always get so…obssessed with doing better than just alright. I dont like that im just living, i have this sort of superhero complex, i want to change the world or something i guess, and when my brain gets in this very dark place my first thiught is that maybe if i had died i would have changed something.
But i know thats not true. There are so many cases of children dying as a result of their abuse, and yet more cases happen every year. Something like dying cant put a stop to child abuse. It would have only made my parents very sad and caused them to blame themselves for more than their share of the fault. It would not have been this huge thing that changes the world, it would have been a very sad story for the news papers, and maybe A would be ablento get away safely but hed still be traumatized, and maybe his dad and/or some of the men would go to jail but that would stop it all, they couldnt catch all of them, i cant even remember how many different men their were anyway. It wouldnt have changed anything. Maybe there would be a small plaque on a park bench with my name and eventually no one would know what it was even for anymore.
Whatever i think i could do while dead would only last as long as i had to publics attention which probably would not be long.
But when im alive, i can do something. Even if im merely surviving, i am doing something. Even if im just anonymously talking online to strangers about my story, im doing more than i would be in a tiny casket in the ground.
Even thought i want to change the world, i can at least try and settle for just surviving.