The dizziness that I was feeling today really scared me. I realize through the years that there has to be some strength and yet my body fails daily, I have lost interest in everything although I’m trying hard to get them back.
I know my mother has made it nearly impossible for me to get over my rape and numerous times my step father had tried to rape me and sexually abused me, I’m really confused though why does she want to continue to hurt me daily. She tells me she wants me to be a man, to be strong and do the right things like taking care of her and making sure her needs are filled, she has said numerous times which causes distress for me you had him fucking you that caused me shame so you will do things to make up by helping me. That hurts a lot and causes questions over and over in my mind.
Tonight I was trying to go upstairs as my head was spinning, I only wish I could stay upstairs but I know my mother will want something downstairs. I just wish my health was better, the panic, anxiety, headaches, and now dizziness to stop just for a day. Until that time I will continue to move through life whatever it throws me, the hardest part is how my mother talks to me, and feels about me. Am I wrong for thinking this way. Yes deep down I know, but at times I need to be reassured.
The dizziness of life gets me down and confused but with help I can and will make it.
For those who are going through hard times remember it is never too late to get help, nobody should live in fear and pain