CW: thoughts of self harm and ending everything
I feel very mixed. It may be because it’s the start of a new semester, and I’m getting used to changes in my schedule, etc. I’ve been meeting new people, which is great. I’m more confident around new people than I used to be. Yet I’m also very busy, and it’s hard for me to find time to relax. That has been difficult to deal with, but I think I can figure out how to do less and give myself time.
As I mentioned in my last update, I’m scared of seeing my assailant now that the semester has started. We were able to take breaks from church during the summer, which made it easier for me to deal with. Yet I don’t think I’ll be able to take as many breaks, and I think this fear has been more present in the past few weeks.
I dread Sundays, and I’m too busy during the week to think about Sundays (and I try not to think about it). But every time Saturday rolls around, the dread sets in. Usually it’s a bit of fear, and I’m able to cope with it. However, this dread has been much worse in the past few weeks. It’s like every cell in my body is telling me not to keep going to that church. I’m telling myself to hang in there, but it doesn’t seem fair that I’m going to that church after all this. I’ve said this before, but I’ve told my parents (in the past) about how this feels, and their response has discouraged me from telling them anything else. Yet I know going to that church is detrimental to my health. I’m struggling with both sides of this.
For the past few Saturdays, I’ve been so nervous, and it’s led to shaking and crying. Three Saturdays ago, I was in the shower, and I had this strange urge to self harm. I don’t typically have those thoughts, so I noticed it right away. I don’t remember exactly what I told myself, but I didn’t self harm. He was there the day after that, and it was very difficult to cope with. Two Saturdays ago (8/24), I was extremely worried. I then had a thought which went something like, “If I ended everything, I wouldn’t have to see him and deal with this pain.” I noticed that thought and I made sure to tell myself why I want to live. After a while, I wasn’t completely calm, but I didn’t have that thought anymore. A couple of days ago (the most recent Saturday), I didn’t have any thoughts of self harm, but I was still shaking and crying. I told my best friend that I was nervous, and she was supportive of me. She told me to try meditation. I did that yesterday morning, and I felt better. He wasn’t there yesterday or the Sunday before that, so that was a relief. Yet the dread was exhausting.
I’m glad that I was able to get myself out of those thought spirals. Yet I’m scared because this isn’t typical. I’m worried that when he is there, I’ll feel worse. I do want to live, and I’m mostly okay with what’s going on in my life (there are stressful moments, but those are okay) – except for seeing him and my parents’ emotional invalidation. I’m going to update my counselor in a few days and talk to her about this. I’ll see if there’s anything else I can do to help myself when I feel this way.
Thank you for all of your support. It’s been wonderful to know that you’re all there for me.