These past few weeks have been a roller coaster, and this update may be all over the place.
I haven’t heard anything about the report yet. I’m doing okay when it comes to that because I know that was the right thing to do.
In our denomination (Orthodox Christianity), we have special services for Easter, Palm Sunday, etc. This meant that I had to be in the church for longer periods of time. Last month was 4 years since my assailant sent those uncomfortable messages and scared me, and this was also 4 years since my parents found out what happened. It’s a lot to deal with at once.
I’m at this point in which I’m tired of seeing him. All I feel is this overwhelming exhaustion and frustration. I’m trying to remain strong and think positively, yet I keep wondering why we’re going to that church. My parents struggle with the Orthodox traditions, and they think the other people at church are judgmental. I’m struggling due to this. I know how difficult it is to keep doing this, yet it’s almost like I keep forgetting about it so I can get through each week. I think the exhaustion is catching up to me. I’m aware that we won’t go to church as often during the summer, yet these last few weeks feel so slow.
There’s another situation which I’m slightly worried about. A couple of years ago, I was texting my guy friend (who I used to like), and we had a personal conversation about the assault. My parents found out about this and got extremely upset, and they forced me to take everything back. I felt guilty about the fact that I couldn’t tell him what happened with my parents. I had a session with my counselor last week, and she asked if I tried to be in any other romantic relationships. I told her about this guy and what my parents said/did. I wondered if I could text him and explain everything or if it had been too long. My counselor said she thought it was worth it so I could release the guilt.
I thought about this for a few days and asked my friend for her opinion, then I decided to text him without my parents knowing. A few days later, I was able to explain everything through a phone call, and he understood what I was going through. I told him about the invalidation and how they’ve restricted me in certain ways. He understood how damaging it was and even said that they (my parents) failed me in that way. It was interesting to hear his perspective on all this, and I’m happy to be talking to him again.
However, I’m worried about seeming too needy when texting him. He tends to ask me about myself, but he doesn’t share with me as much. It’s his decision as to whether or not he wants to open up, yet at the same time, I don’t want to only talk about myself.
I had this strange realization about myself in these past few days. I know that it’s hard for me to show I care. I’m scared to show this because I’m worried that people won’t care in the same way, that they’ll use it against me, or that my way of caring won’t be good enough. It’s almost like I’m preparing myself for them to lose interest so that if it does happen, it won’t hurt as much. I know that that won’t help it hurt less. It only hurts more. I’ve heard that some people struggle with caring too much. I struggle with this, and I also struggle with showing that I care, which is a weird juxtaposition.
When I do care about someone and show it, I’m scared that I’m coming on too strong or that the person might get tired of me. I’m used to shrinking myself because I want to fulfill what the other person wants. Yet instead of asking them what they want, I assume that they don’t care as much and I withdraw because I’m scared. It seems like I don’t care when I withdraw. Then the other person may point it out, which pokes at this insecurity even more. Yet I’m not sure what to do about it.
I have a feeling that talking about this insecurity will help the both of us. He may understand why I pull away sometimes. I know that I need to be better at communicating with people, especially with people I trust. I’m trying not to let that voice win – the one that says that I’m annoying him or being too overbearing. It’s just a struggle at the moment, and I don’t want to end up talking about myself all the time, which is why I haven’t told him about this yet.
I also feel guilty about doing this without my parents knowing, yet I know this will help me heal. I know that he’s a supportive person.
I want a break from everything. My mind feels cluttered, and I feel burdened by all this. I’m exhausted.
Thank you all for reading this update.