Exhausted

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster, and this update may be all over the place. 

I haven’t heard anything about the report yet. I’m doing okay when it comes to that because I know that was the right thing to do. 

In our denomination (Orthodox Christianity), we have special services for Easter, Palm Sunday, etc. This meant that I had to be in the church for longer periods of time. Last month was 4 years since my assailant sent those uncomfortable messages and scared me, and this was also 4 years since my parents found out what happened. It’s a lot to deal with at once.

I’m at this point in which I’m tired of seeing him. All I feel is this overwhelming exhaustion and frustration. I’m trying to remain strong and think positively, yet I keep wondering why we’re going to that church. My parents struggle with the Orthodox traditions, and they think the other people at church are judgmental. I’m struggling due to this. I know how difficult it is to keep doing this, yet it’s almost like I keep forgetting about it so I can get through each week. I think the exhaustion is catching up to me. I’m aware that we won’t go to church as often during the summer, yet these last few weeks feel so slow. 

There’s another situation which I’m slightly worried about. A couple of years ago, I was texting my guy friend (who I used to like), and we had a personal conversation about the assault. My parents found out about this and got extremely upset, and they forced me to take everything back. I felt guilty about the fact that I couldn’t tell him what happened with my parents. I had a session with my counselor last week, and she asked if I tried to be in any other romantic relationships. I told her about this guy and what my parents said/did. I wondered if I could text him and explain everything or if it had been too long. My counselor said she thought it was worth it so I could release the guilt. 

I thought about this for a few days and asked my friend for her opinion, then I decided to text him without my parents knowing. A few days later, I was able to explain everything through a phone call, and he understood what I was going through. I told him about the invalidation and how they’ve restricted me in certain ways. He understood how damaging it was and even said that they (my parents) failed me in that way. It was interesting to hear his perspective on all this, and I’m happy to be talking to him again. 

However, I’m worried about seeming too needy when texting him. He tends to ask me about myself, but he doesn’t share with me as much. It’s his decision as to whether or not he wants to open up, yet at the same time, I don’t want to only talk about myself.

I had this strange realization about myself in these past few days. I know that it’s hard for me to show I care. I’m scared to show this because I’m worried that people won’t care in the same way, that they’ll use it against me, or that my way of caring won’t be good enough. It’s almost like I’m preparing myself for them to lose interest so that if it does happen, it won’t hurt as much. I know that that won’t help it hurt less. It only hurts more. I’ve heard that some people struggle with caring too much. I struggle with this, and I also struggle with showing that I care, which is a weird juxtaposition.

When I do care about someone and show it, I’m scared that I’m coming on too strong or that the person might get tired of me. I’m used to shrinking myself because I want to fulfill what the other person wants. Yet instead of asking them what they want, I assume that they don’t care as much and I withdraw because I’m scared. It seems like I don’t care when I withdraw. Then the other person may point it out, which pokes at this insecurity even more. Yet I’m not sure what to do about it.

I have a feeling that talking about this insecurity will help the both of us. He may understand why I pull away sometimes. I know that I need to be better at communicating with people, especially with people I trust. I’m trying not to let that voice win – the one that says that I’m annoying him or being too overbearing. It’s just a struggle at the moment, and I don’t want to end up talking about myself all the time, which is why I haven’t told him about this yet. 

I also feel guilty about doing this without my parents knowing, yet I know this will help me heal. I know that he’s a supportive person.

I want a break from everything. My mind feels cluttered, and I feel burdened by all this. I’m exhausted. 

Thank you all for reading this update.


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18 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,
    It’s good to hear back from you. I’m sorry things aren’t as good. I know this kind of thing can stress anyone out. Just remember even though parents want the best for their kids sometimes restricting them isn’t the best especially when at some point you will want to move on with your life. It sounds like this guy is a great way to move on and start a new chapter. I hope things go well with him. He might be scared right now to open up because you are going through a lot, but as time goes by he will start saying more about himself. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for coming back to update us! I’m sure you’re tired of seeing your assailant, I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to have to see him all the time. I am glad that this guy has been understanding of your situation. I’m also glad that you reached out to him, that must have been a big weight off your shoulders! It seems really great that he always asks about you, that shows that he really cares about you! It’s very normal to be nervous in the early stages of talking to someone! That nervous energy can be fun sometimes but it can definitely be stressful at others. I’m sure he’s feeling nervous about certain things as well. You deserve this happy new situation, and I hope you get that mental break. Please continue to update us if you want to.

    Stay strong
    Tyler

  3. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry that your parents aren’t helping and trying to censor you, they shouldn’t be doing that and you should be able to open up to who ever you want to. Know that we are always here for you and always will be. Can’t wait to hear from you again , Stay strong.

    -Brianna

  4. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry that your parents aren’t helping and trying to censor you, they shouldn’t be doing that and you should be able to open up to who ever you want to. Know that we are always here for you and always will be. Can’t wait to hear from you again , Stay strong.

    -Brianna

  5. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi music2799,
    I’m sorry that your parents are censoring you when you want to open up to people about what happened, and that you feel invalidated by them. It must be hard to go to a church where you feel so uncomfortable, and I wonder if it’s possible for you to go to a different church where you might feel better. I think a lot of people struggle with showing others that they care because there’s a huge level of vulnerability in opening up in that way. The person you open up to could reject it and back away from your friendship, but some of the strongest friendships come from both people opening up and being vulnerable. A friendship where you can share whatever is on your heart and mind is such a beautiful thing and I hope that maybe you can try getting past the fear of the other person losing interest and see where things go by being so open with them. I hope you’re able to find a way to get away from all of this, even just for a little bit. Maybe try to shut the world out for a little bit… put some headphones in, turn off your phone, pull out a coloring book, whatever works for you. Just get lost in something so your brain doesn’t continue running the show.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  6. mkyuellig Volunteer

    hey music2799,

    It’s good to hear from you again. I’m so sorry that you have to continue to see your assailant on a regular basis at church. I can only imagine the toll that might take on you and your general well-being. I think it’s really great that you take your parents feelings and opinions into consideration so much. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I wonder if maybe you should consider yourself more instead of your parents. I guess I don’t know how old you are, but your posts make you seem pretty mature. I think regardless you are still old enough to have your own private conversations and decisions. If you want to confide in someone you trust about your experience, that’s your decision, not you parents. I think especially if you are talking with your therapist and she thinks it would be good for you, then doing what helps you heal should be your priority, not appeasing your parents who seem to just not want people to know. I don’t like the way your parents talk about your experience, because it seems to imply that there’s something shameful about what happened to you, when there isn’t. The only person that should be ashamed, or that is to blame for what happened is your assailant. If talking about it gives you closure, then that should absolutely be your priority. I think the same goes for going to church. If going to that church makes you feel unsafe, then they should understand that you cannot go to that church. I know that sometimes it is very difficult for parents and children to see eye to eye, trust me I have a lot of experience with that myself. But it also seems like your parents genuinely care about you, and that’s why I think that eventually they will understand any choices that you make in order to heal. Maybe you and your therapist could roleplay talking to your parents about why these things are important to you, and how they best can support you. I hope i’m not speaking out of turn, that’s just how I feel from the outside looking in. Sometimes the people closest to us don’t know how to support us, so we have to TELL them how they can support us. You deserve a break, you deserve to feel unburdened and rested. I’m sure that your parents want this for you as well. Please keep us updated, we are here to listen and support you.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  7. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry your parents tried to control the way you speak about your experience. It’s harmful for them to attempt to censor you and your experiences in that way. Often, sharing our stories is an important and vital step toward healing. I’m glad you took the time to figure out the best way for you, personally, to deal with the situation and whether or not to tell him. The strength it takes to process that information is important. I’m glad that you were able to trust him and feel comfortable with the way the relationship is going.
    As far as the relationship and trust goes, I think that would be something super helpful to bring up to your therapist. It’s amazing working through these problems with a therapist’s helping hand guiding you. In the meantime, take some time for self-care. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly busy and cluttered lately, so take some time to intentionally practice something important to you – whether it’s reading or listening to music or yoga or what have you. Take some time for you and de-stress.

    Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  8. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for updating us! I’m sorry that your parents got upset and tried to control what you told your friend about YOUR experience. It’s really not fair for them to try to do that, so I’m glad that you talked to a few people and decided that it was the best decision to explain everything to him. It sounds like he’s a good person for you to trust and lean on right now – something that is extremely important when it comes to healing. I definitely understand wanting a break from everything. Could you just take a few days to yourself to read a book, watch a couple movies, do whatever you think would be best to unwind? That would probably be so helpful to at least let you calm down for a bit.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. We are here for you no matter what! Stay strong. You’re doing great!

    Marissa

  9. Megan Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for the update. I understand how frustrating these things can be and how utterly exhausted it can make you feel. Make sure to set aside some time every now and then to do something that you like to do without worrying about the rest. For example, picking a movie out and having a movie night one night. It can help with the feeling of being worn down to take time for yourself! Also, if your mind feels cluttered, one thing that has helped me when I’ve felt like that is journaling/free-writing. I just start with a thought and keep going until I can’t come up with anything else to say or I feel like I’m done. It can help to get the thoughts out of your head and also organize them a bit or come to some kind of more clear answer to what you’re going through. About your parents, I don’t really think you feel bad about talking to this boy. If you like him and you think he is good for you and helping you heal, then that is your choice to talk to him. You know what is good for you better than they might.

    I hope you feel more energized soon. We’re always here if you need more help,
    Megan

  10. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    I’m sorry you’re going through this struggle right now. If talking to him helps you and you feel better afterwards, then you should keep on doing it. You decide the best way for you to heal, not anyone else. I think if he has been understanding and kind through everything so far, he probably will be the same way if you open up to him about how you feel with your insecurity. It may also take that weight off of your shoulders, which could help a lot as well. Stay strong and keep fighting to heal from the trauma you have been through. You’ve got this, and we’re always here to support you <3

  11. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear about the struggles with seeing your assailant, I know it’s a hard thing to do. Have you thought about talking to your parent about maybe leaving the church. Either way know we are always going to be here for you every step of the way and believe in you. Stay strong and keep on fighting.

    -Brianna

  12. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Music 2799,

    I can total relate to your feelings of exhaustion when being consistently faced with your attacker. I’m sorry you have to go through that. It’s very difficult to go against your parents wishes, even if you understand that you need to do so to heal. You’ve had a lot on your plate recently. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Remember to take a break if you need to from anything that adds stress or discomfort. Recovery isn’t a race. You are so incredibly strong. We’re here for you!

    Take care,
    Becca

  13. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happened to you. Anniversaries and memories can be extremely hard but your a survivor and can get through this. It seems like your friends a good support system for you and I hope he is able to bring you some relief. Just know none of this is your fault.

  14. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey

    I am so sorry this hapened to you and you were able to stay postive. Part of life is growth we gonna have some ups and down but know we are here for you for support. The best thing is to deal with it all one at a time.

  15. Solongago

    Hi music799,

    I hear what you are saying, especially about being guilty for kind of doing something behind your folks’ backs. I am right there with you. At 50. Still feeling guilty for talking about this stuff, for getting help, for writing about it here, for saying something on Facebook. But you are absolutely right that you need to do what is right for you. And your parents DID fail you in some ways, and particularly in how you related to this friend you were talking to.

    I think that is a sign of maturity when you realize that your folks may be trying to do something because they think it is better for you, but that they are just plain wrong. And you don’t want to hurt them, even if they did hurt you, but you still have to do what is right for you. That’s growth. It is choppy, non-linear, messy growth. But it is growth.

  16. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry for what you had to go through and I really hope that you are able to stay strong and persevere. I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed and having to deal with so much at once so I recommend just dealing with it one thing at a time.

  17. rkr18 Volunteer

    music2799

    Thanks for updating us. You are going through a lot of emotions and feelings and that is to be expected. I would suggest that you be kind to yourself. It’s not easy what you have gone and are going through, but remember to do something for yourself that can take your mind away from all of this. You are truly strong and you brave. Please continue to keep us updated. And let us know if there is anything you need.
    -Marie

  18. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for updating us on what’s been going on. I am sorry you have had to go to church so much recently-do you think your parents would ever consider switching churches? Maybe that’s something to discuss with your therapist before asking your parents-but it seems like switching churches would be better for all of you, given what you have shared with us. I’m glad that you are talking to a supportive person in your life-I think we all deserve that. I have definitely experienced similar insecurities that you are sharing here, so you are not alone in that. That’s probably another good thing to talk out with your therapist-I know that it has helped me, too!

    Erin