episode 79.

episode 79.

88 12

I saw Angela on Wedneday, as usual.  I had trouble focusing during the EMDR.  She would ask what I felt in my body, and I would say my arms are heavy, she would say focus on the heaviness, and I’d try to, but I don’t know.  I finally told her I was a little more relaxed.  In fact, I was trying not to drop off, and felt a lot of the time almost within a dream.   She said that I was having trouble focusing because it wasn’t weighing me down as much.  I think she was saying I was getting better. 

I left and began to think she thinks I am done with the trauma, but I do not feel done with it at all.  I think I was tired.  I also think I was afraid to go some places.  I started thinking, if this is all the better it gets, then I would have been better off doing nothing.  Last week, she was telling me that when I am vulnerable I function as a child, or something to that effect, and that how I fix that is to work on the trauma.   And now the trauma is done?  Now, I am not saying what she said, I am saying how I am reacting to what I think she said. 

I have a defensive mechanism in my brain that turns off when I think I am hearing something that I do not want to hear, that I am afraid of.  So, it may not have been Karen’s fault or Nancy’s fault, if I hear things and twist them or don’t hear what they are saying to me, but what I think they are saying to me.  I feel more out of control, more needy, more vulnerable, and more like a child than ever.  

I am feeling sad and lonely and vulnerable and hopeless.  I don’t know what to do.  I know part of this is the season, the holidays, the lack of sunshine, the anxiety about work, the fact that my puppies are not selling as quickly as I expected, and I still don’t have the living room cleaned, the dog room cleaned, someone to build the roof and fix the ceilings, and I got the drains unclogged, but I still don’t have the dishes done.  I plan to do another load today and maybe another tomorrow.  It’s getting manageable.  It’s a whole lot better.  But there is so much to do, I am feeling overwhelmed.  

Sorry, this one is a bit of a downer.  


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12 comments

  1. tayestlack Volunteer

    Hello love, i’m sorry you’ve had a tough week, and the lack of sunlight during the day can really bring you down as well. Hopefully next week can be a better week for you while with Angela and for yourself in general. I think the holiday season is hard for a lot of people, but i also know that you’re very strong and determined. As this winter continues, i hope everything falls into place for you. Please feel free to return to us, we’re all rooting for you

  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m really sorry that you had such a hard week and that you’re feeling overwhelmed. The holiday season can be exhausting, especially when everything else is going on at the same time. It can help to keep taking things one step at a time and remember the progress you’re making. Remembering how far you’ve come may motivate you to keep going.
    I’m glad you’re recognizing your defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms try to protect us, but sometimes they hurt us because we might feel trapped in them. I think Angela believes you’re making progress, and I think she knows healing cannot be condensed into one session.
    You don’t have to apologize for how you’re feeling. Some days don’t feel great, and it’s okay to share and acknowledge that. Thank you for updating us. I hope you’re feeling better this week, and we’re all here for you.

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m so sorry things were hard for you this week. I know the holidays aren’t always everyone’s favorite time of year, but remember to breath and take everything one day at a time.
    I don’t think that Angela thinks you are over your trauma. With EMDR you have to be 100% there to really have a good session with it. Next time you see her, you should talk to her about how you feel. Things will get better. We are always here for you. Thanks for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  4. Amysue43 Volunteer

    We appreciate your willingness to continue journaling here to express yourself and gain reassurance. Like you mentioned, this one might be a downer, but I see it as being honest with yourself which is something to be proud of. To be so honest with yourself and your feelings can serve you great things in overcoming your experience.
    It sucks to be in the water sometimes but it can be refreshing to show you how far you have come and how these bumps in the road can be temporary and overcome.
    You’ve got this!

  5. Lizzi

    Hey Solongago,
    I’m sorry that this week has been especially difficult for you. The holidays can definitely be overwhelming and it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on in your life right now. I hope that you get some relief from it all this upcoming week. I don’t think that Angela was saying that you’re done working on trauma. It sounds like she was saying that you’re making progress, which is so great to hear! I can understand how it might be confusing though, and maybe that’s something you can talk about when you see her next so you know exactly what she meant by it.

  6. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    Good to hear from you again. I don’t think Angela was trying to say that you are done with trauma work. I think she was trying to say that you are getting better. Getting better is a process and usually takes time. It just means that you are doing better than how you used to be, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are completely done working on yourself. It just means you are making progress! Which is awesome and I am super proud of you for that! This isn’t the end of the road; it’s just a point along the journey. And you can continue to get better from where you are at now. As for the other things, I can imagine it must be overwhelming to have so many things to do. Just take it one step at a time and get as much done as you can. Don’t be too hard on yourself; you’re doing the best you can and that is perfectly okay.

    We are always here for you,
    Megan

  7. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming back and sharing your story with us. Some days are harder than others, and that’s okay. We are here for you and we support you. Stay strong and know that we are always here for you.

    Carmen

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Healing is hard and it is okay to down. Being overwhelmed at times is a normal part of life. We know your story and we are here for you. You’ve got this, just focus on doing one small thing at a time to reach your goal.
    You recognize the thoughts that you have in order to protect yourself, remember, they are your mind’s way of trying to help you, but they aren’t true. You know that you are working hard. You know that Angela is working to help you and that one mild session of EMDR isn’t going to be what she uses to decide you are all better. You know how your react in these situations and you can choose to let those ego stories go. It won’t happen easily or quickly but when they come up, try acknowledging them and then let them float past.
    You are such a strong, caring, and intelligent person and we want you here.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Solongago, Thank you for coming back to us. We are honored you continue to share your story. I know I find myself thinking about the little things in life that I have to get done. Sometimes, If I can knock out one, even if I’m not perfect, it encourages me to try to take care of other issues. I hope this helps and we are always with you! -Ryan

  10. Kayla Volunteer

    Solongago,

    This is a really difficult time of year, I feel you on this. Do you have plans for thanksgiving? I hope you’re able to meet up with loved ones. What kind of puppies do you have? Maybe more will sell around Christmas as presents or so 🙂

  11. dzreid Volunteer

    I am sorry that you are struggling. The feelings of being overwhelmed can seem easier one day & harder the next. Healing takes time & with that brings rough days. It’s on the rough days that we often face uncomfortable feelings. We can’t give up during these times. Sometimes, our minds do things to help us cope. Please don’t get too discouraged. Continue at your pace! You are worth it just be patient! Hang in there my friend. You can get through this!
    Dawn

  12. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You don’t have to apologize-some days we feel rougher than others, and that’s okay. Thank you for coming back to share, and I’m sorry you’re feeling all of these things right now. Don’t forget you can text our Crisis text line as well, VOICE to 741 741, when you’re in these low feelings. Let us know how else we can help.

    Erin