I saw Angela on Wedneday, as usual. I had trouble focusing during the EMDR. She would ask what I felt in my body, and I would say my arms are heavy, she would say focus on the heaviness, and I’d try to, but I don’t know. I finally told her I was a little more relaxed. In fact, I was trying not to drop off, and felt a lot of the time almost within a dream. She said that I was having trouble focusing because it wasn’t weighing me down as much. I think she was saying I was getting better.
I left and began to think she thinks I am done with the trauma, but I do not feel done with it at all. I think I was tired. I also think I was afraid to go some places. I started thinking, if this is all the better it gets, then I would have been better off doing nothing. Last week, she was telling me that when I am vulnerable I function as a child, or something to that effect, and that how I fix that is to work on the trauma. And now the trauma is done? Now, I am not saying what she said, I am saying how I am reacting to what I think she said.
I have a defensive mechanism in my brain that turns off when I think I am hearing something that I do not want to hear, that I am afraid of. So, it may not have been Karen’s fault or Nancy’s fault, if I hear things and twist them or don’t hear what they are saying to me, but what I think they are saying to me. I feel more out of control, more needy, more vulnerable, and more like a child than ever.
I am feeling sad and lonely and vulnerable and hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I know part of this is the season, the holidays, the lack of sunshine, the anxiety about work, the fact that my puppies are not selling as quickly as I expected, and I still don’t have the living room cleaned, the dog room cleaned, someone to build the roof and fix the ceilings, and I got the drains unclogged, but I still don’t have the dishes done. I plan to do another load today and maybe another tomorrow. It’s getting manageable. It’s a whole lot better. But there is so much to do, I am feeling overwhelmed.
Sorry, this one is a bit of a downer.