Episode 75, a new-ish twist….

Episode 75, a new-ish twist….

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First, thank you to everyone who responded to episode 74, I did read all the comments and appreciate them.  

I saw Angela today.  She asked if I felt that I had closure with Karen, if Karen responded at all (she did not), and I said I did feel like I had some closure.  I told her about my Outrage,  She said she likes when people get pissed in therapy, because it means we are getting better (I’m paraphrasing and if I don’t have everything 100%, I have an excuse that will be explained.  

So she handed me the buzzers, and said the pond and “I should have known better.”  I told her that I am not feeling  “I should have known better so much as the outrage.   She asked how much distress I am feeling about it, scale of 1-10, and I said it had to be a five, because I am so angry.  So we began. 

I started in the pond focusing on the same progress I have each time.  I get to a certain point, my one side goes all stiff and immobile and then my thoughts start wandering.  Real quick I told her that I was wondering, and she said go ahead.  Then she asked again, and I said I am seeing blurps of every rotten thing that ever happened to me.  She said that was good, to go with it.   I kept going back and forth, the pond, the basement, the bathroom, Bob’s house, the bedroom, the guy across the street, the guy on the next street, and I kept going to my grandfather as well.  

She asked me what is happening now, and I told her.  There were several incidents I was “seeing” with my grandfather, on his chair in the living room, his bedroom, the basement, and outside painting his garage — not sure what that was about.  The basement, I was taken down there for him to take pictures of me, not pornographic, not that I know of, but just in a dress with pig tails. I remember it, and I don’t know if anything happened then, but it isn’t a good memory.  But the chair is what I remembered today, he took my hand and pressed it against himself through his pants.  

This has freaked me out all day.  Ok, it was molestation, but the boys have done worse.  But I have been re-living this all evening at work.  Which sucked big time. 

So Angela asked me how distressed I felt now, and I told her a 9.  What I did not tell her is that I wanted to jump out of her window and run away.  Which is really dumb, because I could run out her door just as easily, or more easily.  But that is how I felt in the moment.  My computer may lock up, so I am going to continue in the comments.  


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19 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for coming back to update us on your story. Glad you were able to see Angela today. She is probably right that when people have outbursts in therapy it means that they are progressing through their emotions which is probably a good thing! Sounds like you are doing well at processing through things in the pond. Please keep us updated, we are all here for you!

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Thank you for the update-
    I am glad, it sounds like Angela is a really good therapist – much better than Karen. I am happy to hear that she has been checking up with you on the Karen situation. It can be scary to open up new memories, it sounds like you are in good hands with Angela and that she knows what she is doing. It is okay to take EMDR at a slower pace, just make sure you are taking the time for you and to process your emotions before you move on to a new memory, or topic. Thank you again for updating us, we are always here for you at AVFTI, please keep us updated if you would like!

    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m glad that Angela has been checking up on you when it comes to Karen, and it’s great that she sees you’re making progress. As for the new memories, it’s understandable that you were feeling very uncomfortable and unsettled. How you’re feeling is valid, and the fact that you’ve had other experiences does not make your feelings about this invalid. I’m so happy that Angela told you this wasn’t your fault. She’s right – you did nothing to deserve what happened to you, and you’re not at fault.
    I hope you’ve been able to take time for yourself and process how you feel. It may take time to cope with this, and that’s okay. If you need to take the EMDR at a slower pace, that’s completely okay as well.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here whenever you feel like sharing, and you can make it through this.

  4. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for giving us an update. I am sorry to hear it has been a rough week Going through EMDR can be tough, so I commend you for sticking through it. But, it is also totally okay and normal if you need a break from it. Healing is a process that always takes time and goes on each person’s pace. And what you were feeling was not dumb, it is very valid. And sometimes ya just want to jump out the window and run away – it’s a quick escape route! Just kidding around. What’s important here is that you were just feeling like it, and you didn’t actually do it (or run out the room). You continued through the rest of the session! That itself is something to feel proud about. Remember to be kind to yourself as you are healing.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  5. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Ugh!! I am so sorry that you are feeling put through the ringer:( It is one thing to work on trauma that you are aware of with a goal in mind, but it is quite another to have an unbidden memory throw itself into the mix. I hope that you are feeling better and that you have been able to process these new memories. Be sure to take care of yourself and to include Angela as you work through this new information. As other said, it is okay to step back from the EMDR for a bit and just talk during your session. Again, take care of yourself.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  6. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for the update. Are you still feeling okay with this form of therapy? Please know that if it’s too much, you are allowed to stop. I’m really proud of how trusting you are of Angela, after what happened with Karen. I can imagine it would be difficult to trust someone like that again, but I guarantee you that Angela is 10000x better than Karen. She’s not going to give up on you. She knows what she’s doing, and you deserve to have someone like that working with you. I would agree that those that have been attacked can end up being more compliant and, thus, preyed upon more easily. I never really realized it before, but I can definitely see that in myself and interactions I’ve had with people in my life. Thank you for opening my eyes to it! I really do appreciate it.

    You’re so strong, but remember to be gentle with yourself. You are making amazing progress and I would hate to see you lose progress just because you pushed yourself too hard. You’ve got time to work through this. You’ve got this.

    Marissa

  7. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing about your experience in this session you’re referring too. Like many comments have mentioned, it can be tricky and frustrating to open your mind up to someone who may be able to guide you and grasp a better understanding of where these feelings and thoughts might be coming from. I’m glad you got through it and are willing to try new things. I can see how much you’ve grown in your past couple posts and I think you’re doing really well. You have a fantastic mindset and allow yourself to self-reflect in these posts.

    Keep pushing! You’ve got this.

  8. Kayla Volunteer

    Solongago,

    Thanks for updating us. EMDR sounds like it’s been a whirlwind for you, and I commend you for staying strong and working through this. It takes a lot of strength and resolve to face these memories and it sounds really difficult. Uncovering a newer memory sounds really painful, and hard to wrap your mind around. Just because the boys may have “done worse” does not mean that what happened with your grandpa wasn’t awful. It doesn’t excuse his actions and doesn’t make you anymore deserving of his abuse. I’m very sorry. He should have been someone who was there for you and he wasn’t. You’re incredibly strong and brave for facing this and putting in so much work in order to heal from the trauma and hardships you’ve faced. Sending you love.

  9. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    I’m so glad to hear that you can recognize the sense of “wandering” that a big step. I don’t think healing from any traumatic event is easy. While talking through the events & feelings is difficult, you did it. I’m sorry that this session left you feeling like you wanted to run. It takes a lot of energy to process through feelings, & for that I commend you for sticking out the session to the end. Keep on keeping on. You can do this! I believe in you.
    Dawn

  10. Lizzi

    Hey solongago,
    I’m sorry that this session was hard and left you feeling really uncomfortable. EMDR isn’t easy, but I hope that it does help you heal from what happened to you. I’m glad that Angela stopped when it was getting too distressing and distracted you by talking about something you love. It seems like she really cares about you and wants to help. You’re right, it is a big leap of faith to let someone mess with your brain each week. I’m glad that you trust her enough to at least try it, and hopefully these uncomfortable days will become easier as you continue. You’re a very strong person for all that you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing this update with us!

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m sorry that Karen is putting you through this. She doesn’t seem very professional if this is how she treats her ex-clients. I’m happy that Angela is better for you though. It sounds like she is going a great job at calming you down and really understands you. Helping to get your mind off of a 9 by talking about puppies was a good distraction. I’m happy she is helping you so much. Don’t be scared to tell her how you really feel though, like when you said that you wanted to jump out of the window and run. You should tell her that so she knows how to make you feel better. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  12. musicislove

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing with us again, I’m sorry your session was so rough this week. EMDR can definitely be exhausting. You remembered a lot of memories that were difficult for you and its understandable that you felt so bad afterwards, especially since it sounds like you didn’t have enough time to work through them. If you can, try to do something you find relaxing to de-stess a little bit. Come back to share anytime.

    Delaney

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share. I’m sorry you had to remember all of that, and I’m sure it was scary-you didn’t deserve what happened, and it wasn’t your fault. Let us know how else we can support you.

    Erin

  14. zelda Volunteer

    I’m proud of the progress you’re making! It’s always tough to talk about hard things, especially when you were just a child when a lot of those hard things happened. I was molested by my grandfather too so I know just how you feel. It sucks. This memory of mine is so shameful that even my mom doesn’t know. I’m so glad you’re not keeping your sexual abuse to yourself. I probably should talk to someone about my own experience as well. Anyway, I hope you have a great day! If you ever need anything, feel free to message me on here. I’m here for you.

  15. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there solongago,

    I’m glad you were comfortable coming back to update us. It sounds like this was a particularly difficult therapy session, and it probably didn’t help that you ran out of time in the session to diffuse from the EMDR. I agree with Angela that it does seem like you’re making progress, even though it’s difficult. Like I’ve said before, healing is different for everyone! Some days are really difficult, and some are really easy. Take some time out of your day today to do fun things that you enjoy and maybe cuddle with your dogs. We’re here for you any time you want to share!

  16. Jevati Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for coming to us again with your session with Angela. EMDR can be really intensive and bring up really difficult things, so it’s totally understandable that you’d be exhausted and on edge and re-living things.

    I’m really glad that Angela is continuing to be supportive, and that she told you directly that it’s them and not you. What she said about acting like a kid who has been abused (versus your sister), is very validating, too. It also makes total sense that you’d want to jump out the window, even if the door would technically be easier. My therapist’s window looks out over the parking lot where I park my car for sessions (the glass has a privacy frosting sticker thing on it), and going out the window would be the most direct route to get back to my car and escape, so that totally resonates with me.

    Thank you for trusting us with updates on your story. We’re here for you.

    – Jev

  17. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us and keeping us updated. Just because something can be worse, doesn’t mean it still isn’t bad, so try not to discount your feelings. You have every right to be freaked out about something like that; it is completely normal. There isn’t really a “normal” in therapy since everyone heal differently, so don’t worry too much about that if you can. I am glad you are sticking with therapy even though some days it is extremely tough. Please keep updating us; we are always here for you <3

  18. Solongago

    So, about my grandfather. The first thing is, he was not my grandfather. He married my grandmother around the time my parents married, so he was the only grandfather figure I had and was in place at my birth. He was a terrible alcoholic. My mother called him “Johnny” like her mother.

    He called me a tom-boy and would punch my arm and arm wrestle with me, and watch westerns, drinking beer and chewing tabbacco and spitting in garbage cans all over the place. My Dad’s dad died when my mom was pregnant with my older brother so I never knew him. My mom’s dad was only 15 when she was born, he married her mom and stayed with them until my mom was 15 and then he married a woman who was 17. He was physically and sexually abusive to all his kids and neighborhood kids. I never met him. But to think Granny picked two scumbags.

    I’d stay over there, sometimes for a week. Mom tells me the first time I called and begged to come back home. I do not remember this. I know my older sister used to come too, and we slept in a bedroom in the attic. But then she stopped coming. I do remember my grandmother shooing me out of my grandfather’s room, and I think she tried to keep an eye on him around us. But there are just times in a week…

    Anyway, he was the only “Grandpa” I had, and I always felt like both of my grandmother’s favorite. I think Grandmas are good at making you feel that way.

    I don’t think there is much question about this. I want it not to be true. But I also want to know. I want to know if it is normal to remember stuff like this. I am not really surprised because I suspected it.

    When Angela asked me, and I told her a 9, she took the buzzers away, and said, “let’s talk about puppies.” I looked at her, and said something like, “how?” We talked about this, but the time was just about up. I left there feeling pretty bad today. She seemed very happy with how things are going. She remarked at my less than happy look, as being “Don’t act so happy about my trauma.” But she then explained that she is very happy with how this is working, we are uncovering stuff, and getting to the meat of things. It’s probably true, but this is really, really uncomfortable.

    I feel a little on my own. I don’t know what is normal, and I am not as sure about this being really positive. I told her “I’ll take your word for it.” She laughed. When talking about Karen in the beginning, she said I was a nice person. I did not disabuse her of this thought. But when talking about my grandfather and all the other men and my brothers, I told her is it them or me. She said “Them.” We talked a little bit about how once we’ve been attacked we are sometimes compliant, and people then use us. I told her about the guy across the street who offered my sister and me hot chocolate, and my sister said, no, I said yes. She thought it was poisoned, I drank it. She said my sister acted like a kid who hadn’t been abused, and I acted like someone who had been. But I always thought it was because my sister was a couple of years older. I was four, she was six. And she was smart, much smarter than me.

    I do have a good brain, and it is really a leap of faith to let someone mess with your brain every week. I wonder what condition it will be in when she’s done with it. Today it feels like she went over it with a meat tenderizer.

    1. candyappleb Volunteer

      Hi Solongago,

      EMDR can be really difficult. It takes a great deal of strength and resolve to unlock those memories. I’m sorry that you felt uncomfortable after your session. I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to move past the pond memories during your sessions. You’re doing very well. You got this. Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.
      All the best,
      Becca