First, thank you to everyone who responded to episode 74, I did read all the comments and appreciate them.
I saw Angela today. She asked if I felt that I had closure with Karen, if Karen responded at all (she did not), and I said I did feel like I had some closure. I told her about my Outrage, She said she likes when people get pissed in therapy, because it means we are getting better (I’m paraphrasing and if I don’t have everything 100%, I have an excuse that will be explained.
So she handed me the buzzers, and said the pond and “I should have known better.” I told her that I am not feeling “I should have known better so much as the outrage. She asked how much distress I am feeling about it, scale of 1-10, and I said it had to be a five, because I am so angry. So we began.
I started in the pond focusing on the same progress I have each time. I get to a certain point, my one side goes all stiff and immobile and then my thoughts start wandering. Real quick I told her that I was wondering, and she said go ahead. Then she asked again, and I said I am seeing blurps of every rotten thing that ever happened to me. She said that was good, to go with it. I kept going back and forth, the pond, the basement, the bathroom, Bob’s house, the bedroom, the guy across the street, the guy on the next street, and I kept going to my grandfather as well.
She asked me what is happening now, and I told her. There were several incidents I was “seeing” with my grandfather, on his chair in the living room, his bedroom, the basement, and outside painting his garage — not sure what that was about. The basement, I was taken down there for him to take pictures of me, not pornographic, not that I know of, but just in a dress with pig tails. I remember it, and I don’t know if anything happened then, but it isn’t a good memory. But the chair is what I remembered today, he took my hand and pressed it against himself through his pants.
This has freaked me out all day. Ok, it was molestation, but the boys have done worse. But I have been re-living this all evening at work. Which sucked big time.
So Angela asked me how distressed I felt now, and I told her a 9. What I did not tell her is that I wanted to jump out of her window and run away. Which is really dumb, because I could run out her door just as easily, or more easily. But that is how I felt in the moment. My computer may lock up, so I am going to continue in the comments.