I did no do the EMDR on Wednesday. I went. I told Angela that I was nervous about telling her that I was afraid she would chuck me. And that I was worried about being worried about it. I was worried about not making enough progress. So we had a nice long discussion designed to put me at my ease about her not chucking me. I felt somewhat better. We talked about the timeline and how she doesn’t have one.
Somehow, I started to tell her about how Karen sent me an e-mail to see if she could charge my card for the last $60. And I responded to her e-mail. I was kind of trying to leave things on an amiable note, and she did not respond. And I got pissed all over again. When am I going to not get set off by stupid shit??? Ah well, I didn’t get that far. I started to say something about the previous therapist, but my emotion took a hit of anger and at the last moment I substituted the word “hag” for therapist. And Angela jumped all over that. I am grinning like a nut right now, with embarrassment and humor. She was like, “What am I, the current hag? I am not sure I like that.”
So I countered with, “OMG, last week I was worried all week because I thought you wouldn’t like it that I keep worrying that you will do what Karen did to me, and then I go and call you a hag!”
I think we’re good. She assured me her self esteem is awesome.
I wrote Karen an e-mail, I did not send:
I quit then because it is too wordy, and probably I will regret sending it. I got too angry, so it really isn’t feedback it is more I am still pissed. And I just don’t know if I should send that.
I shared my story on an unrelated forum a few days ago. So many of the folks have similar stories, and there was much support. The thing is, and I did talk to Angela about this, is that I am feeling really down and not supported at all. Not at home, not at church. The constant hammering on that one memory is getting to me. So we did not do it Wednesday, and I feel like a wuss. I’m feeling unreasonably hard on myself. I dunno. I am not ready for winter again. And I am cold and lonely and I want for everything to be better. I want to fix up my house and get everything down to manageable.
I don’t remember if I said here that I had a litter of puppies out of Karma and Kojak, and the next day I lost a puppy and put Heidi down. Heidi was a little over 13. She lost her back end, and though she was walking again, it looked very painful, and I just felt that I did not want for her to suffer. It was hard. It’s always hard. I wiped the wet stuff off her when she was born. I knew she was the one I was keeping at one week old and never looked back. She was so very good. She gave me best of breed. She took first place in Rally Advanced, and first place in Excellent when I moved her up that same day. And I put her down. I know it is the right thing to do, but I still feel like an ogre.