Episode 72. Just a little update.

Episode 72. Just a little update.

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Thanks to all for the support through this journey.  

I saw Angela today.  I did ask her why we are starting with the roughest memory.  She says that we do that because a lot of it will translate to other memories.  It is like if you go to the doctor and have several things wrong with you, they start with the one that is most severe, and by getting that under control, some of the others will fall under that one.   Or something like that.  

I am just trusting that she knows what she is doing.  Since the last therapist was a bit questionable, that is a bit of a risk. 

But I am doing it.  

I talked about Mom a bit too, that when I defend her, it doesn’t mean I do not see things.  It just means that I love her.  She was good with that.  

So I got the buzzers, and went back into the pond.  Because I blacked out that day, there is stuff I just don’t remember.  That’s ok.  Angela assured me I can’t block it.  I don’t know if I remembered much more.  My one side is crunched up and stiff and I can’t move my arms.  It is hard to breathe and then I can’t move at all.  Everything is black.  

Angela says she doesn’t understand why I did not die.   She suggested the pain in the one arm is how I was dragged out, and maybe lying crumpled on it.  

We talked about my premise that I should have known better.  And I talked about some of the stuff this brother had done prior.  But really, I did not have any way of knowing that he would to that.  

Well anyway, this is supposed to purge the memory from my body.  I am not getting it yet.  I am hoping this will be good.  I do have trouble telling her what is going on when she asks.  But she doesn’t seem to concerned about that.  


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14 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for coming back and updating us. We are all here for you to help you make it through this journey. Angela sounds like she has good plans for working through the memories with you. It sounds like she is very trustworthy. It’s good that you are also talking to your mom and working through things with her. I’m sure purging the memory will be hard, but I know that you are strong enough to do it. We are all here for you.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. dzreid Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    It sounds like Angela is helpful. I’m glad you have gone to her! Healing takes time. Keep talking to Angela & together you will find ways to conqure those memories. In time the memories will come but will get easier to process them. Be patient with yourself & know that it takes lots of courage & strength to reach out & talk.
    Take care, Dawn

  3. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again solongago!

    Thanks for coming back to update us. It sounds like you and Angela have a very open line of communication, so she seems like someone you should be taking this chance on. It already sounds like she’s helping you much more than the last therapist had, which is wonderful. I hope for you that this journey into EMDR starts to work to your benefit! It seems like a draining process, but you are handling it with so much strength and boldness.

    Keep us updated and take some time to give your dogs a bunch of hugs!

  4. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for updating us! I’m glad you’re trusting Angela even though you’re not 100% sure of the process. I think that by itself indicates that you’re making progress. I know the memories may be painful, but I think working through them will be worth it in the end. Please keep us updated and let us know if there’s anything we can do for you!

    Marissa

  5. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Thank you for continuing to update us on your journey. It seems as though you and Angela are finding a groove and way of understanding each other. She keeps things light enough for you to be able to tell her small bits that mean a lot at your own pace. She accepts it for what it is and doesn’t push for more. By doing that, you are comfortable enough to give her a little more the next time. *These are just my impressions from reading your posts.*
    It sounds like you are making a lot of progress even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment. Your body is certainly responding to the therapy and hopefully, things will become more clear soon. When our brain is in it’s stem (where fight/flight is housed) there isn’t really any language because you don’t have access to the higher parts of your brain that house language so it is understandable that you are having difficulty describing what is happening. It sounds like she understands that though and is just using it as a way to help you.
    Keep working on healing. We are here for you!!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m glad that you asked your therapist why you were starting with the worst memory and that you’re trusting her. It’s not easy to trust, and you’re doing it! I hope you keep making progress!
    As for knowing better, you couldn’t have known what he would do. You’re not at fault for what happened. It also makes sense that it’s hard to tell Angela what’s going on. It doesn’t seem easy to describe what’s happening or what it could mean, and that’s okay.
    Thank you for updating us. You can do this, and we’re here for you.

  7. zoeyb

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It can be hard to trust a new therapist after previous one’s weren’t as helpful, but I am so proud that you stuck with it and found someone who seems to be a better fit for you. I’ts 100% okay if you’re still feeling apprehensive, you always have the right to tell Angela when you’re feeling this way or if you’re having problems finding an answer to a question- you don’t always have to have one and that’s okay. You are so incredibly strong, I hope that your sessions with Angela go well- we are all here to support you through this.

  8. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Solongago!

    Thanks for the update. A lot of times in therapy, it can be hard to see the end game or understand why what we are doing is going to help. But therapists typically do know what they are doing and are looking our for our best interests. It shows a lot of growth that you are putting more trust in your therapist and I’m really proud of you for that and continuing on your journey to recovery.

    I’m proud of you and I can’t wait to see how you continue to grow and show us your strength,
    Megan

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m happy that Angela is helping you. It sounds like she knows what she is talking about because it makes sense that doctors do that. The worse memory can help with the others that aren’t as traumatic. It is kinda like a puzzle where they all fit together. Thanks for updating us. If you need anything we are here for you. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  10. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi solongago,

    I’m glad to hear that you’re able to trust Angela after what happened with Karen. I can understand why you might be apprehensive. It sounds like you’re able to recall what happened at the pond to the best of your ability right now. As I said a few posts ago, everyone takes a different amount of sessions before they really start feeling the results. You’re doing great. It takes a lot of energy to pull up memories that have been blocked or repressed for so many years. It might take a good while. I look forward to hearing from you again soon as you continue your journey. We’re here for you every step of the way.

    All the best,
    Becca

  11. musicislove

    Thank you for sharing with us again, I’m glad it sounds like you made some more progress. The way she explained starting with the hardest memory does make sense, I see her reasoning, hopefully it works that way. We’re here for you and thank you for trusting us!

    Delaney

  12. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I’m glad it seems like you had a good session. Keep it up.

    Erin

  13. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for keeping us updated! Keep on healing with Angela and let us know if you need any help from us <3

  14. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us, Solongago! It’s great to hear that you advocated for yourself and asked the questions that were bothering you. That’s a crucial step right there. You’re right – trusting someone is really hard, especially trusting them with your mental health, but you’re doing it and making progress. Keep looking at that progress and working with Angela the best you can. Keep asking your questions as they come up and advocating for yourself. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess