I saw Angela today. She asked me how I was doing and I said, “ok.” She asked, “What’s ok?” I didn’t tell her, but I don’t know if I like EMDR. I told her about the pain in my jaw — that took days to go away. I asked her if it was going to work, and she said, “Yes.” She told me about someone who was very skeptical and came back saying that she no longer has this problem and this other.
She started going off about my soda, and how I should drink something else, and she finally said I was scowling at her. She asked, why do all this stuff if you are going to be unhealthy in other ways? That may be a point. But don’t take away my pop. If it is going to kill you, I would be dead by now. She said something about it not being good for you and even cigarrettes take a while to kill you. I told her therapists aren’t good for me. I can’t remember exactly what her response and mine was, but then she asked, “Not me?” and I said “Yet.” Then she handed me the buzzers and I went to my own personal Hell.
We only spent half an hour on this today. Which is good I guess. She said we had a good session. I experienced a lot of non-verbal stuff. There was a lot of pain in my shoulders and my upper arms, my left arm in particular was all stiff and I could not move it at all. I came away today with understanding that my brother was strong, I could not get away. I know now how he went from grabbing me from behind to get my shorts of, and how he actually twisted me around and then held my arms. It hurt to breathe. Yeah, I felt like a wuss in there today. I couldn’t feel my legs at all, and I have no idea what that means. Most of what I felt was in my chest — breathing, and my arms. The left one was just awful. Angela asked me about being unconscious, maybe he dragged me out of the water with that arm.
I don’t know. I have thought a lot about this today, even so much as wondering if it really happened at all. But I think that is just me trying to avoid going back through it all. I do want to know. I chose this to start on because this was the only incident where physical violence was used to make me comply. If anything it is concreting for me that helplessness, the total inability to stop it from happening. I think there is more shame in what my other brother did because of the manipulation makes me feel like I participated, I had a choice. But there was no choice. Not really. Big kids can get little kids to do what they want. And if I did hold out, he would have just used force. I used to think if I was just smarter, I could have prevented it. I don’t know what the problem is with accepting that I was totally powerless. Being somehow to blame seems better than being powerless for me.
Ah well. I’ve been worried about having pissed Angela off today. I didn’t. I was being difficult, but it was more my sense of humor, I think we’re good. I am anxious about disappointing her, or getting her mad, but that’s because of Karen, and because if I can put the focus on that, I won’t be going where I am going. I don’t know if it was easier or not today. I don’t think I was as nervous before hand as I was, hard to say. It does seem like I felt and “saw” more today than I did last week. Though I didn’t see anything at all. Mostly we focused on my arm because it wasn’t moving. Angela says that I have been carrying this event around with me in my body all these years. Later today I got a few flashes/memories of what happened, but they are very, very short. She said something about tickling parts of the brain last week. I am not worried about that. I don’t know what is normal though, and that is also hard for me. Angela says there is no wrong way to do this. This is frustrating for me, because I must be one of those people that likes to have a clear path, A causes B, simple, predictable. When if fact, people are unpredictable and there are thousands of possibilities when it comes to how we respond to anything. Dogs are easier.