I saw Angela yesterday.
I got in there, armed with my notebook and book of soduko puzzles and diet coke. I told her I felt a little better after last week. And she asked what happened last week. I told her that we went over the personality stuff. To get started she asked on a scale of 1-10 where am I usually at, I think with how content I feel only she did not say those words. It was in enjoying life. I told her 3. I thought I was being rather generous. Because I am rarely happy. Only I am feeling better. I don’t know if I am finally getting over losing Babsy and Quinnie. They were special. This week I found a teet on Odie that is the size of a testicle. I made an appointment for her, but there is not much I will do. I do not want to put an almost 12 year old shepherd through surgery. She’s the one that lost most of her hair and we are giving thyroid meds to now. They did say the blood work is indicating something more. Mammary cancer could be it. And Heidi, she will be 13 on the 19th and I came out to feed everyone and she wasn’t moving. Damn! I called her name. Nothing. I thought she was dead. But she was sleeping. When she did get up, she was having trouble getting her legs under her. But a few minutes later she was moving pretty good and all interested with her food dish. I know it is just a matter of time.
So, the change in mood could be the dogs, but I still have some trouble there. I still miss my girls. Daily. Maybe I’m feeling better because I am not spending so much time trying to get Karen to be less hard with me. And while I knew right away it was over, because I couldn’t trust her after she said she was referring me elsewhere, I am maybe spending less time worrying about what is wrong with me, and less time being mad at her. I am maybe feeling less hurt.
So my mood is improving. I didn’t talk about this though. Angela asked what needed to happen for me to get to a five. And, being my typical self, I said, “if I could be independently wealthy.” I followed that with something like she couldn’t help me with that. She said maybe she can. We spent the entire session discussing ways to earn income, secondary sources of income, like rentals. She was asking about maybe making money off the knowledge I have about dogs. I finally said I would like to, maybe when I am retired, be a person you could call when your dog is going to have puppies. Someone experienced who can come over a week or two before they are due to make suggestions for the set up, and to talk about what to expect, get used to the bitch, let the bitch get used to me. And then when she goes in labor, I can come over and be the whelper helper.
I was a little frustrated because I think I should be working on the tough stuff. I have changed things mid-stream, last week or the week before so I could talk about what I needed to. But that didn’t seem to be something I could do this week. Maybe she wants to still work on getting the relationship/connection to a certain place. I don’t know. Trusting her and trusting my judgement has been made more difficult because of Karen. There’s that. And there aren’t any short cuts. I don’t want her to go into this stuff if she doesn’t think we’re ready. But it is frustrating if I am not ready.
It’s still good. I am still cleaning. I am enjoying some sports now — preseason football and baseball in Cleveland. And I am getting my nieces this weekend and will take them to the fair. Good stuff is happening. My company changed hands and they were giving 25% up to 6% into my retirement, but the new company is giving 25% up to 10%. So I changed it to 10%. My hope is that by the time I retire, I will be able to replace the trailer. We’ll see.