I saw Angela today. I had a really good day. I feel like marking it down on a calendar. It’s been a long time. I cleaned my bathroom on Saturday, everything. Under the vanity, cleaned and wiped that down with Clorox wipes. Cleaned the cupboard my sheets are in, and the shelving for my towels. I through out a ton of garbage, and cleaned the fixtures. I got the cobwebs. It is just the bathroom, but I got that done.
So I went into there today armed with my notebook of Karen-letters, and my review. She began by saying that I look happier today. (I think it was the perm, my hair is curly now, and curly may translate into happy.) I always start with the easier thing, and I just handed Angela my review and she read it. I explained about him waiting until the next day at eight, and that I did ask about goals. I think I did mention it. But we then got into Karen.
I made her mad again. I told her about the last visit. About how early on, because of the fear of abandonment, she brought up borderline personality disorder, but did not think I was borderline. But during that last session, she asked if we were going to work on the personality problems. It wasn’t until I was out of there that it occurred to me that she might be talking about borderline again, because she mentioned it recently again, and she said I needed someone who is good with DBT. I know that they use DBT to work with borderline people. So I called her up, “just a quick question.” Ok. “Were you saying that I AM borderline?” You should talk about that with the new person.
So I told that to Angela and she went off, first you do not mention a personality disorder unless you think that is what the person has, and even then, you probably should let them bring it up and then go over it with them and let them decide. She whipped out the DMSR-5 and went over the criteria with me, giving examples of each, and we determined that I “might” have two of the criteria but you need 5 or more. Anyhow, the fear of abandonment doesn’t count because I don’t make “frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.” She explained that as if your boyfriend is going to leave you, you get in the car and pin him against the wall so he can’t. No, that’s not me.
I’m not stupid. But it is so easy to believe bad stuff, partly because we avoid the question altogether because thinking about it makes it more real. If that makes sense. And, I really didn’t think I was borderline, but this person who worked with me for 15 months was thinking that — yeah, Angela said that by not answering, that is what Karen was believing, or at least, that is how I was going to take it.
She thinks that maybe Karen was becoming overwhelmed by me, not being able to manage the level of trauma, and being worried about my harming myself. We had talked about suicide when Angela was going over the criteria. I told her I did try it pathetically twice when I was 14. She said, what about recently. So I told her about the day Karen chucked me. It was bad. It was the day before Mother’s Day, and I went to Mom’s and when Brian’s wife showed up, I went to my house. I got out my gun, it’s a shotgun. I wanted to know if I could work the trigger with my toe like Dad had said. Well, I can’t. My big toe doesn’t like the trigger guard. But the barrel is short and I can work it and the safety with my finger. I didn’t do it though. I loaded the gun and unloaded it, and went out and took care of my dogs, then went back to Moms and stayed there, even though I knew Brian would be there by then. I stayed there until I felt safe. I connected with the people at RAINN, and after waiting 2 hours, and finally working with someone, my computer booted me out. But it helped anyway.
So Angela had asked if I told everyone. I didn’t. The thing is, if thinking and talking about suicide is my thing, it’s understandable because of that being Mom’s go-to. But I know how hard that is to handle, and I try not to say anything about it to anyone. And I am afraid they will throw me into a hospital, and if they get me in there, they may never let me out, and I will lose my dogs, and lose my job, and lose my house. At least, when I am feeling way down like I was, that is what is going through my brain. If I am going to be alive, I want my dogs, and my job. It was just a really, really bad day, during a really bad time. A build up of one bad thing after another. That was two months ago. Things are starting to get a little better.
We did talk more about Nancy and Karen, and how it took me about six sessions to get past Nancy, and so Karen knew what she was dealing with early on. Well, anyway, Angela thinks Karen really doesn’t have the skills, but she could have ended it a whole lot better.
I didn’t read the letters, I showed her, I wrote one on the 27th, and one on the 28th and one on the 29th and one on the 30th. She laughed. I read the last paragraph: So as I see it, I have two choices: to believe that Nancy and Karen were right and proper, and I don’t deserve healing or health; or to believe that Karen was an abysmal therapist, and that way, I can throw my fragile and gullible soul back into the therapy cauldron, and maybe give this new person a chance at helping me get better.
Angela said she wasn’t defending her, but she thinks that Karen realized she was over her head. She thinks that if I do write a letter to send to her, it should be in an effort to give her feedback. So I am thinking, a gift of feedback. She can take it or leave it.
I know this is a bit choppy, but she talked about connection and attachment and how normal that is. She talked about the criteria for personality disorder, but that it is situational, and what happened can cause us to meet some of the criteria, and still not have a personality disorder. I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. If those aren’t one thing.
She talked a little about the EMDR. How with someone who has had a single incident and was mostly over it, but got triggered recently, he can come in, and go right with the EMDR, because it is science and she can be a robot, and it will work. But with someone who has had multiple incidents, etc, it is much better to have someone I connect with, it makes it easier on me. At one point, she did ask if I was ready to work on it. We were still talking about Karen, and what a therapist’s role is. I said, “yes.” But of course now I am thinking about it, and am not so sure about the lights and buzzers and what that is going to do. I know there is no magical way of healing. And this sounds like magic. So, I probably have learn a little more about it. If it is science, I have a scientific mind. I am an engineer, and math and methods and physics and chemistry and cause and effect are all right down my alley.
I left there at noon. I went to get a big salad from the grocery store, to take with for dinner, than went to the library, and then I went to DQ for a banana split before work. I got to work early, and found they had assigned me 65 boards to troubleshoot tonight. I got sixty of them done. I was busy all night, and I was getting stuff accomplished and I actually felt good. Coming out of there, Angela’s office, I felt younger. That’s a good thing, because I have been feeling really old and broken lately.