Ok, I went to see Karen on Saturday. That last visit, that she offered after the bombshell toward the end of the previous session.
I am not sure how I feel about it. I think it was a waste of time to go. She was hard, and terse, and unhelpful. I still feel like I must have really offended her in some way.
I told her that I met with the other lady and her couch is more comfortable. We talked a little. Unfortunately, my mental state is translating into some lack of perception and inability to remember.
I said something about her telling me to go away. She said she did not tell me to go away, she told me she did not have the skills, blah, blah, blah. It comes down to she told me to go away.
Ok, she says that she does not have the skills. But when I countered that with being in the group for DBT for 6 months. Intensive. And I started with that fear of abandonment and neediness being my goal in the very beginning, if it was going to work… She suggested I did not try hard enough.
She says it is her lack of skills, but I must be so fucked up that no one in their entire group can deal with me. Or she doesn’t want me there. I know I am reading way too much into it.
I told her that I was hoping she could make me feel a little better about it. But she just said she couldn’t make me or anyone feel. Ok, I’ve been in the therapy world for a while and I know, but I also know that she knows what I meant.
I don’t know if it is supposed to make it easier for her or for me to be so tough.
Today I was feeling so bad about it. It was so permanent. And there is nothing I could do to change it, she has the power. If I e-mail her and ask her a question, then I am showing how crazy I am, or how right she was to chuck me. So I am trapped. I am alone and unsupported, and unconnected, and I have to start over, and I am pissed. I was so pissed today. It was a good thing I was at work, because if I was home, I would have sent my life-story and everything about her to the partners of the BWG. How’s that for impulse control, and emotion regulation?
Yeah she mentioned borderline personality. Before, she said that she did not think I was borderline, but Saturday, she was asking if I am going to work on the borderline symptoms. I mean, before it was the fear of abandonment that she brought up borderline, but read through the rest of it to me and said that it does not sound like me. Maybe she changed her mind on that. I know borderline people are supposed to be tough to work with.
So I guess you pick and choose who deserves to be helped. Ok, ok, maybe she really can’t help me. But we were making progress. It is just that I had too much going on. Still do. They sold my company this past week or so, so we are transitioning, and being hired on by the new company. So it is just a transition, and drama, and ah well.
I feel awful. But I see the new person on Tuesday, and hopefully that will be good. Hopefully, I can start to feel a connection. But then I worry about this happening again, and I never want to go through this again.
Well, thanks for reading.