Episode 57, maybe the last episode for this grouping, maybe one more….

Episode 57, maybe the last episode for this grouping, maybe one more….

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I suppose I can do it likes houses on a street, when you go past a side street you go forward to 101. And the next therapist, 201, and so on.  The worst thing that could happen, happened.   Karen said she doesn’t want to work with me anymore.

Of course she did not say it like that.  She is referring me elsewhere.  Not even in the same group.  She wants me GONE.  I know it isn’t fair.  It isn’t how she said it.  She asked me how I was, and I said horrible.  I have been horrible.  We talked about Babsy.  I told her how I took her to work with me regularly, and how I would have my niece read to her, and everything.  She asked me what skills I was using.  I thought about it, and told her I was writing about it on the net, and talked to some friends.  I was talking about her and she yawned.  That stopped me cold. 

I tried to start up again and explain how much dogs mean to us (pet people), how guys I know tell me that they didn’t cry at their mother’s death but cried for their GSD, and how I do not think they love the dog more than their mother, but it is easier to grieve for a dog, but evenso.  And that people tell me they waited 3 years or more, my dad won’t get another dog.  She agreed that it is hard.  

I went on to say that this wasn’t normal, losing all these dogs.  I said that I had 38 regulars in the past 25 years, and in 24 years I lost 8 and rehomed 12.  I explained that in rehoming them, I hear about them, and they have really good lives.  Usually very young dogs between 10 months and 3 years.  But in the last ten months I lost 5 and rehomed 1.  I talked a little more about Quinnie and how vicious that was, and then about Babs and heart dogs.  I told her about wanting to take all my heart meds when I put Quinnie down, but that I knew Babsy only had a little time left and since she was mine for her whole life, I wanted to be there for her.  I told her I didn’t think that with Babsy, but it was just as hard with Babs.  She asked me if I was suicidal.  I thought about it, and said no.  We discussed the thoughts and the dogs.  She let it fizzle out.  

And then, she said that she discussed it with her colleagues and reflected, and decided that it would be better for her to refer me to someone, skilled with DBT.  Someone down the road at another facility she had a page of referrals for me.  It went down hill from there.  I nearly died on the way home.  Some yayhoo cut me off on the highway.  She had said we can have one more appointment.  The one in two weeks.  Just this week, Wednesday, she sent me an e-mail moving everything around, so that she scheduled me out to July every other week.  I didn’t respond to her e-mail.  And between Wednesday and Saturday, she decided I should go away.  

Well shoot, if she is going to kick me out for going through a rough period, then maybe it is for the best.  My brain is struggling back and forth between “she is trying to do right by me, and she dislikes me so much, and what did I do wrong — I am such a reject, so difficult to work with”, and on and on and on.  

Ah well, my brother, Brian’s wife is here for Mother’s Day.  He’s at Bobby’s helping him with something, but it won’t be long before he is here, so I better go to my house and take care of my dogs.  

I wrote her an e-mail asking not to cancel me until I have the appt.  I’d call on Monday.  But maybe it is like some folks when the decide they no longer want their dog, and they’ll take them back to the breeder if it is convenient, or they will dump them at the shelter, or drop them in the woods.  I’ve been dumped.  It took me 3 hours to stop crying and now I am on the verge again.  


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14 comments

  1. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m sorry things with Karen have fallen apart and that she doesn’t want to work with you. I know how frustrating that can be. I hope that you can find someone else to work with that will be open and willing to help you to full extent that you need. Remember that we always believe in you and stand behind you every step of the way. Stay strong I know you’ve got this.

    -Briann

  2. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I’m sorry things fell apart with Karen. I understand how difficult it can be when someone you count on and work with closely for so long decides to cut ties with you. We’re still here for you. You can always post if you need us, or remember you can reach some one right away by texting VOICE to 741741. Hang in there.

    All the best,
    Becca

  3. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Solongago,
    I’m so sorry that things are ending with Karen. I know that you didn’t always agree with her on things, but I know she’s been there for you for a while now and it’s always hard to start over with someone new especially if it wasn’t your idea. Maybe she really does believe that someone skilled in DBT will help you more than she can, or maybe she just wasn’t the right fit for you all along. I’m an optimist so I’d like to think she’s doing what she truly thinks is best for you, but I also can imagine how upsetting this could be for you to lose her so suddenly. I understand the pain of losing animals and just how much they mean to our lives. I have quite a few animals myself and work with animals so every day I see people say a final goodbye to their cat or dog and it’s the most heartbreaking part of my day. I’ve lost pets in my life and I still think about them constantly. Take comfort in knowing that however long you had them, you gave them a great life and that’s so amazing. Some animals never will get the love of a human and I’m sure yours were wonderfully cared for. We’re here for you and I hope it works out with the new person.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  4. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    Hello, thank you for sharing this with us. It does seem like you are going through an extremely difficult time. I am hoping for you that you can find someone whom is able to help you through this. Take the time and heal things will get better.

  5. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Solongago,

    I am so sorry to hear about Karen terminating your relationship. I know you have been struggling with trying to maintain that relationship for a long time, and that it has been an enormous source of anxiety for you. I want to reiterate that Karen’s decision is not a reflection on you, or how she felt about you, it is a reflection of her and her abilities as a clinician. I know you liked Karen and felt that you could trust her and that she was helpful, but there are several things that you’ve shared with us that have made me think that she is just not a good fit for you and your needs. It happens. I wish it could have been identified sooner, so that you hadn’t already established a trusting relationship to just to have it taken from underneath you. I am sure you are feeling vulnerable and abandoned right now. I hope you can still keep using all your skills that you’ve been mastering to help yourself cope until you find a new therapist.

    I do think that you have a bright side to look on. DBT is one the most effective forms of therapy there is. One of it’s core tenants its working very closely with the client, and the client always being able to contact the clinician and meet frequently. DBT saves lives and changes people for the better, it is truly amazing. I think it’s really going to be a great help to you, and I think that a clinician trained in DBT is going to be able to provide the support that you need. I’m sure it doesn’t feel this way now, but this may end up being a blessing in disguise. Hang in there and keep us posted.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

    1. Solongago

      Thank you Keight. And for your recent responses on my other posts. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to them all. And wanted you to know that I did read them. I tried to e-mail that, but I am not sure that went through.

      On Saturday, I was devastated. It came from left field because on Wednesday or Thursday, she e-mailed that she adjusted my appointments out through July. So, I lost my mind completely. I went to my folks’ house, and it being Mother’s Day weekend, my brother (the one I currently do not want to see) and his wife and my little sister had come on Saturday. I left when my brother’s wife was here and my brother was helping my other brother with something, but would be coming.

      I went home to feed my dogs. And then I did something I am not all that proud of. In short, I went back to my parents’ house, people I did not want to see or not, and stayed there until I felt it would be safe to go home.

      I have been running through a lot of thoughts and feelings this week. I know that Karen said it wasn’t me, but how can it not be me? If she is not skilled enough to manage me, than managing me has to be complicated. Maybe more complicated than your typical mental patient. And that IS freaking me out. Ok, mental patient gives that view of One Flew Over the Coo-Coo’s Nest. I have issues, but I am holding down a job, and functioning with family and friends and church, trying to maintain a household, and running a business.

      At the same time, I am not even questioning whether or not I “should” be in therapy. I don’t know if it is the attachment problem or the Sexual Abuse/Incest that is the main or more pressing issue. They are so inter-connected. I don’t think I can deal with one without the other, at least to some extent. But now I am TERRIFIED of mentioning the attachment problems. I went into this counseling with that right up front. And to the DBT group with that as one of my main goals: the neediness and fear of abandonment. We adjusted the word neediness to connection. But I don’t think we fixed me.

      And she said Cathy won’t take me on. So it is pretty unanimous. Nancy doesn’t want to work with me. Cathy can’t or won’t. Karen is done. Denise at the CRCC, said I have to work on the attachment issues first, and they don’t do attachment issues. But, I am starting to think I am really repulsive. You folks here seem to be a lot more open/accepting of me.

      Well, I talked to a couple of my dog-friends. A few relationships that, when I began therapy last winter, I shared with these people, and allowed the relationships go to a deeper level. I have talked with these folks this week. And I am feeling a lot better about what happened. I am not 100% because I am still believing in my emotional-brain all kinds of things. But my logical brain is doing a bit better with it all. Ah well. I see the new person on Monday. Here’s hoping….

  6. Jess Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time right now. I saw below that you’ve seen other viewpoints here – that maybe she recognizes that your viewpoints just aren’t the same, etc. A few weeks ago, it had been floating around in your posts here to maybe seek another therapist, though. I know it’s incredibly difficult to think about starting all over with a new person, setting yourself up for a new relationship can be incredibly difficult. Karen must have really thought this referral through and discussed it with her coworkers to try to discern the best next step for you. Try not to feel like you’re being thrown away (I know that’s more difficult to practice than to state), but I’m sure she believes this to be the next best thing for you in your healing process.
    I hope you’re able to find some peace. Reach out if you need anything else, we are always here for you, Solongago. <3
    -Jess

  7. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now. I understand why this would feel like a rejection, and it makes sense that this is difficult. That being said, you’re not a reject and you didn’t do anything wrong. I think Karen is realizing that your viewpoint on healing is different from hers, so she may be trying to see if there are options that are more tailored to your viewpoint.
    I really hope that you can find a new therapist who is suited for your needs. If you need anyone to talk to during the transition, please feel free to write back to us. We’re glad to hear from you, and we’re happy to help in any way we can. You are making progress, and I am proud of you. I believe you can get through this.

    1. Solongago

      Thank you. Earlier today, I really wasn’t sure I would make it through this. Especially going to another person. I am not so sure I want to set myself up to be hurt again. But I made the appointment. I do like the way you put that, about her realizing our viewpoints are not the same. Of course, I think I am right. I believe that I have to be in charge of the direction and the pace, and I have to come to own each hurdle, each change, because I am the one who has to live with the consequences.

      Wait, I’m living with the consequences. Ah well. Maybe it is for the best. It is just hard to feel that way in the middle of it.

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    I am really sorry that you are going through this situation. You have worked really hard and you have made a lot of progress over the last year. Please be sure to take care of yourself and use the Crisis Text Line if you are feeling overwhelmed. We care about you and don’t want anything bad to happen to you.
    It sucks that this is the ending you got after all of the work you put into your recovery. I know it feels like Karen is rejecting you, but it sounds like she is shifting you to a type of therapy that may be more effective for you. You did the work and now you are ready for something different….
    Please keep us updated (we will worry about you if we don’t hear from you) and keep responding to others if that helps you. Keep taking your medicine and doing the work you have been doing to heal. You have come SO far and while this may feel like a setback, it does not negate your progress.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult period, but look on the bright side: you’ve posted a few times about disagreeing with Karen and her practices, so I’m sure she is just doing what she thinks is best for you! It sounds like she is going to refer you to someone that will understand your viewpoint a bit better and can help you instead of just going back and forth on what healing methods are best for YOU. Just remember to stay positive – maybe this therapist will be 10x better than Karen ever was! Don’t knock it ’til you try it. 🙂

    We’re here for you if you ever need to talk again!! Don’t hesitate to reach out!
    Marissa

  10. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Change is so difficult but maybe this change will lead you to someone who is better prepared to support you. Keep sharing. We are here to support you. Allow yourself to feel what you feel but remember you are brave and strong and loving as evidenced by your love of your dogs and your desire to see them loved and cared for.

  11. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry about losing your therapist-I know that can be really difficult. Maybe this new therapist will be better though, and not leave you feeling so rejected. I’m sorry you are going through this, but we are here for you, and we support you.

    Erin

  12. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Solongago,

    I hear you. It seems a lot of stuff has been frustrating, and maybe even triggering, lately. You’re doing a great job fighting and pushing through. It’s okay to cry – letting your feelings out can be comforting. I know crying for a long time can be uncomfortable and even frustrating. You know yourself and your body best so just try to focus on what is best for you. Please try to get some self-care in too. I know you can do this.

    Keep fighting,
    SFM