Episode 50

I saw Karen today.  I saw her last week, but we talked the entire time about my first thing, which was not feeling comfortable with the amount of time between sessions.  I was not sure afterwards if she was thinking I meant I wasn’t comfortable with the time left, the six months.  I am not worried about that, because at that point, if we get to that point, and I am not ready to be done, we go back to the insurance company and they say yay or nay and I do exactly what I was going to do either way.  

But it is the time between sessions that I’m struggling with.  And I don’t think she gets it at all.  Or, she is trying to make me grow, and that isn’t working at all.  That is negative pressure.  Negative pressure does not work on creative, engineering minds.  I think that is why I am doing well at work.  Not a week goes by where someone over me tells me that I am doing a great job.  This enables me to voice what I am going to try, to ask questions, to say when I could use some help, and to take time to work on things and learn.  Good stuff.  Negative pressure tends to do the opposite, it makes you nervous and the creative mind shuts up like its constipated and nothing works at all.  

Well, IF she is trying to get me to stretch and grow that way, I need to tell her that won’t work.  Because my inner workings totally resist/close up.  It’s like I need the positive, the encouragement, the patience to be able to talk about and work on the stuff I need to work on.  So anyhow, there was nothing new last week so I didn’t update.  Since I did not get to my second item, I was really frustrated.  I tried to set up a time during the week, but it was filled up, so I e-mailed her and asked that if she has an opening…  But she didn’t.  So I waited for today.  

I got in there today determined to talk about the second thing.  The last thing on my list is always the thing I want to talk about most, and least.  The thing that is the toughest.  So just barreling into it is hard.  

So, what do you want to work on today?  I already told you.  I told her I know what I want to talk about, I just need a few moments.  It took a few minutes.  I needed for her to be patient.  I needed a few minutes.  But then I only have a few minutes and they are ticking away and it is so frustrating.  And I am getting irritated because I am having trouble getting started, but I know I have limited time.  So I began.

I recalled the time that I initiated sex with my middle-older brother.  I told her that my body responded to that.  This is something I did not tell anyone before.  She asked me if I had never encountered in groups boys that have had erections during abuse.  They have trouble with that.  It is common.  But no I haven’t.  We discussed bodies being bodies.  Twice I had to stop because I was totally terrified the first time.  I don’t know why.  Is it the sharing or what I am sharing.  I really don’t know.  The next time I was panicking.  There was a lot of traffic outside her door.  I told her I wanted to get up and leave, but I wouldn’t be able to come back if I did.  And, I said I’d have to run people over out there.  She asked me if I wanted to end early.  What???  No.  I don’t want to run anyone over.  

We talked about how this stuff is making me feel responsible for the abuse, and we talked about the situation, thinking about it from an adult perspective.  We talked a lot about it, but I don’t know if I feel better or worse having talked about this with her.  She suggested distracting myself and not thinking about it.  I said she’s telling me that it was a mistake to come back into counseling.  She says she did not say that.  I told her I wasn’t getting what she is saying.  I have buried this stuff for a long time, and I want to get through it, so I can get over it or past it or beyond it.  Part of me wants to cancel the rest of my appointments.  And the rest of me wants to get in midweek.  

I’m feeling like a mess.  I gave my dog, Lassie away Sunday.  I don’t know if I told her that.  I still have Quinnie and Babsy and Heidi who are on their last legs.  And I have my youngsters.  The good news is that my friend asked me if I had another dog for her other friend and I told her no.  I am not giving away all my dogs.  Lassie is like a special case.  She is too old to breed for the first time now.  But her mother is 11 years old, which means she may have another 5-6 good years, and she should be the princess in someone’s house.  So it is good.  But it is still hard.  

Anyway.  I’m ok.  But I am kind of mixed in how I am feeling.  


Join the Conversation

17 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m so proud of you for sharing what you shared. That is a big step and you should feel so happy that you have come this far. The first time you talk about this can be hard, but you did great. I hope that your insurance issues get fixed. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  2. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    That is an amazing thing you did, sharing that bit of your past with Karen the way you did. Speaking of things for the first time can be challenging and confusing. I’m proud of you. Hopefully you can continue to get your insurance issues taken care of and possibly find a solution for the length of time between your appointments with Karen.

  3. Solongago

    Thank you all for your responses.

    A tiny update:

    The lady at the Cleveland Rape Crisis Center in Ashtabula that I went to when looking for a group, and have been seeing on Wednesdays, well, I asked her last week about the 5 months. When I started they said it is generally five months. Then they can reassess at that point. Well, she said we’d talk about it next week and that was last week so we talked about it yesterday. Well, my 5 months is up in two weeks and then I can come back in six months if I want. Doing this mid-week has been helpful since the group left. But it’s fine. They said they would probably have a group here in April, now she is saying maybe in May or June. Whatever. I had asked her about the CRC group in Lake County several times, and she just kept putting me off. Whatever.

    I know I am being kind of an ass about this. Whatever. This is what everyone who wants socialized medicine will be faced with if it ever happens. Some government guidelines will determine how much and for how long and it will have absolutely nothing to do with you are. It will just have to do with whether you are suicidal enough. And you won’t even be able to pay for it yourself, even if you have the money, which you won’t because they will hike up your income tax so much to pay for the universal healthcare, that you won’t have the money or means to make a bill for services even if services were available.

  4. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us again, Solongago. You’re absolutely amazing for telling Karen that hard piece of your past. I completely understand why you were panicking and feeling nervous. That is completely normal, especially when sharing a piece of your trauma history for the first time. Try to remember that you want to push yourself, but you don’t want to push yourself too hard. Take little steps toward working through that portion if you need to. Unpack little bits at a time. Whatever works. Just don’t over do it and stress yourself out. It’s a difficult balance, but you’ve come so far, and you are totally able to do this!

    As far as the motivation piece goes, I think your idea of sharing with Karen is a good one. We can’t get what we need from people if we don’t ask or tell them – and you have an advantage because you know what you need to be motivated! I hope you’re able to get what you need while still moving in the direction you need to.

    If you need anything else, please let us know. You know we are always here for you and that we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  5. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hi solongago,

    It’s good to hear from you again. First of all, I think it’s great that you’ve been doing so well in your work and have been getting compliments from your supervisors, especially given that you have so much else going on in your life. Working with a therapist can be a tough nut to crack. Every therapist has a different personality and style, and favors different approaches, and it can be a struggle and take awhile to get into the groove to feel like you are really communicating with them effectively. I think it’s really excellent that you are able to identify what kind of motivation works for you, and what doesn’t. I think you’re idea of communicating that to Karen is a really good idea. I also completed understand how you might be struggling to articulate exactly what you want to say when you’re in the moment. I have noticed, however, that when you are writing, you are really articulate and good at organizing your thoughts. Maybe as an exercise you can write out what it is that you want to say to Karen. Then when you are with her you can either read it to her, or you can just reference it as a guideline when you are trying to organize your thoughts. Thanks again for sharing, and please keep us updated.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I can understand why you’re feeling jumbled. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you to talk about what happened. It’s not easy to put words to these experiences, and it can be even harder to talk about, especially because it’s been buried for a long time. It’s important to feel safe and to feel like you’re not under pressure to talk about certain topics. I agree with Marissa’s suggestion about telling this story at your own pace. I think it could help you feel less pressured and work on how you feel about everything.
    I’m proud of you for making so much progress. You’re working very hard to understand and cope with your experiences, and that is admirable. Thank you for updating us and being so open about your experiences and feelings. We’re here to support you, so please feel free to update us if you need anything. You can get through this, and you are strong.

  7. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for the update. I’m proud of you for facing your issue head-on. That must have been really difficult, and I completely understand why you were nervous/panicking. That’s a totally reasonable reaction. Maybe just try to bring it up a little at a time? Do you think that would help to unpack everything? Maybe that way, you could talk about something else if you got too overwhelmed. I think it’s really important to take things a little step at a time, especially such a sore subject. Only do what you’re comfortable with – keep in mind, I’m not a professional so I’m just spitballing over here! Stay strong. You’re making so much progress!!

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you.
    Marissa

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    I am sending you a great big hug!! Breathe with me…..you’ve got this. You are so much inspiration for others on this journey. You are thoughtful, helpful, incredibly honest, and vulnerable at the same time. You willingness to come back and tell us about your sessions and the subjects that you cover in therapy are invaluable to those who have similar stories, but no one to tell or discuss them with. You have come so very far since your first post and that is how I know you will keep going and growing. We are all here for you and we are cheering you on. Take care of yourself…do something you enjoy. Love on your dogs some and know that it is okay to feel mixed up and you will soon see your way through it.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Good Afternoon Solongago –

    Thank you for updating us. I know it can get frustrating having to wait in between sessions. Does Karen office have a 24 hours hotline were you can speak with a therapist if needed. I use my therapist’s office hotline between sessions when I’m feeling emotionally unstable and need to talk. Sometimes I feel it’s easier to talk over the phone because the therapist can’t see you. Please know that we are here for you as a listening ear and for support. You are strong and will get through it.

    God Bless…………

  10. MH Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    Thank you for the update. I am sorry that you are having mixed feelings at the moment. You’ve got this though- things will get better.
    I hope that your sessions with Karen can continue. Keep your heard up high!
    MH

  11. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am sorry that you are having mixed feelings on everything right now. Stay strong. We are here for you, and we want to support you. Is there anything else we can do for you? Thanks for coming to update us.

    Carmen

  12. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hello there!

    Thank you for the update. Your continuity is greatly appreciated and I know the community here feels a sense of pride in supporting you on your healing journey.
    I am sorry to hear that you feel conflicted over your visits with Karen. It sounds like they are productive most of the time, but ultimately you yourself are the only determining factor for what “productive” means. I truly hope that things turn around for you; also very glad to hear you are doing well at work.

    As far as the time between sessions goes, perhaps record your thoughts in a hand written journal and present them to Karen during your sessions? That way she can understand what happens from your perspective during the in between times.

    Once again, we are all on your side and in your corner.

    Warmest regards,
    Andy

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thanks for sharing more with us. I’m sorry that you’re feeling a bit mixed and confused-but I hope continuing to see Karen will be helpful. We are here for you.

    Erin

  14. Megan Volunteer

    Hi Solongago!

    Thanks for the update! It can be frustrating having such mixed emotions about everything that’s going on in your life. I’m sure you will figure things out soon though! I think what Karen is trying to do is get you used to not seeing her as often so if your insurance doesn’t end up covering more therapy, it’s not as much of an abrupt change from seeing her weekly to not at all. However, I do know how hard that transition can be so I totally get how you’re feeling. I would suggest talking with Karen about how you’re feeling about that next time you see her to see if maybe you guys can come to a compromise?

    Wishing you all the best,
    Megan

    1. Solongago

      Thank you. After I made my post, I checked her availability and she has nothing open for March. I think maybe the problem is what it is on its face. March is just filled. This puts me in a spot of course. I could go ahead into April and schedule Saturdays and some within the week. But the whole reason there is a transition at all is that I have left the group which gave me this feeling of connection and security by being there 3 days a week. That being gone, I was trying to see Karen more, which she says is normal. But hopefully by April, I will not need to be there as often.

      Of course if I wait until then, if I do need the extra time, it won’t be available. And if I select the extra appointments, I WILL find a reason to need them. I am my own worst enemy. Yes, it is a choice of sorts. Hopefully, my pastor and I can get the group going soon. Of course that will be on Saturday nights, so the week will still be very long.

  15. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Solongago,

    Thank you for the update. I’m glad that you find comfort in sharing what’s going on and that you’re okay. It’s normal to feel a mix of feelings. From past posts, including this one, I know for a fact you’re trying your hardest and will keep pushing. Please take time for yourself sometime soon – you deserve it.

    Sending light,
    SFM

  16. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m sorry that you’re not getting to see Karen as often as you would like, or feel that it’s necessary. That can be really frustrating when you know you need but it doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do about it. I wonder if there’s things you can do outside of your sessions that might help until you’re able to see her again, like other people to talk to or ways to express these feelings and thoughts that you’d normally share with her. I’m really proud of you for sharing with her about what happened with your brother. I can only imagine how hard that was for you to open up about, but it seems like it was really important to you and maybe next time, if you want to talk about it more, it’ll be a little easier. You’re very brave.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi