I saw Karen today. I saw her last week, but we talked the entire time about my first thing, which was not feeling comfortable with the amount of time between sessions. I was not sure afterwards if she was thinking I meant I wasn’t comfortable with the time left, the six months. I am not worried about that, because at that point, if we get to that point, and I am not ready to be done, we go back to the insurance company and they say yay or nay and I do exactly what I was going to do either way.
But it is the time between sessions that I’m struggling with. And I don’t think she gets it at all. Or, she is trying to make me grow, and that isn’t working at all. That is negative pressure. Negative pressure does not work on creative, engineering minds. I think that is why I am doing well at work. Not a week goes by where someone over me tells me that I am doing a great job. This enables me to voice what I am going to try, to ask questions, to say when I could use some help, and to take time to work on things and learn. Good stuff. Negative pressure tends to do the opposite, it makes you nervous and the creative mind shuts up like its constipated and nothing works at all.
Well, IF she is trying to get me to stretch and grow that way, I need to tell her that won’t work. Because my inner workings totally resist/close up. It’s like I need the positive, the encouragement, the patience to be able to talk about and work on the stuff I need to work on. So anyhow, there was nothing new last week so I didn’t update. Since I did not get to my second item, I was really frustrated. I tried to set up a time during the week, but it was filled up, so I e-mailed her and asked that if she has an opening… But she didn’t. So I waited for today.
I got in there today determined to talk about the second thing. The last thing on my list is always the thing I want to talk about most, and least. The thing that is the toughest. So just barreling into it is hard.
So, what do you want to work on today? I already told you. I told her I know what I want to talk about, I just need a few moments. It took a few minutes. I needed for her to be patient. I needed a few minutes. But then I only have a few minutes and they are ticking away and it is so frustrating. And I am getting irritated because I am having trouble getting started, but I know I have limited time. So I began.
I recalled the time that I initiated sex with my middle-older brother. I told her that my body responded to that. This is something I did not tell anyone before. She asked me if I had never encountered in groups boys that have had erections during abuse. They have trouble with that. It is common. But no I haven’t. We discussed bodies being bodies. Twice I had to stop because I was totally terrified the first time. I don’t know why. Is it the sharing or what I am sharing. I really don’t know. The next time I was panicking. There was a lot of traffic outside her door. I told her I wanted to get up and leave, but I wouldn’t be able to come back if I did. And, I said I’d have to run people over out there. She asked me if I wanted to end early. What??? No. I don’t want to run anyone over.
We talked about how this stuff is making me feel responsible for the abuse, and we talked about the situation, thinking about it from an adult perspective. We talked a lot about it, but I don’t know if I feel better or worse having talked about this with her. She suggested distracting myself and not thinking about it. I said she’s telling me that it was a mistake to come back into counseling. She says she did not say that. I told her I wasn’t getting what she is saying. I have buried this stuff for a long time, and I want to get through it, so I can get over it or past it or beyond it. Part of me wants to cancel the rest of my appointments. And the rest of me wants to get in midweek.
I’m feeling like a mess. I gave my dog, Lassie away Sunday. I don’t know if I told her that. I still have Quinnie and Babsy and Heidi who are on their last legs. And I have my youngsters. The good news is that my friend asked me if I had another dog for her other friend and I told her no. I am not giving away all my dogs. Lassie is like a special case. She is too old to breed for the first time now. But her mother is 11 years old, which means she may have another 5-6 good years, and she should be the princess in someone’s house. So it is good. But it is still hard.
Anyway. I’m ok. But I am kind of mixed in how I am feeling.