I saw Karen today.
I started out asking if we were ok. She said yes, and asked what I meant/about what. I said the e-mail. She said there was one thing she was concerned with. It was how I said I was being reckless and about the medicine. Well, we discussed that. She said that Cathy may have been gentle about it, but it makes her mad. I told her I took them for the last four days. She came back that I needed to take them EVERY day. She’s right of course, but I told her, top of my list on my crisis plan — symptoms that I need help is not taking my medicine.
The thing is, this isn’t new at all. When I started coming last year, I had stopped taking my meds altogether because I really don’t want to live much beyond my parents. It took some time, but I started taking them, and then got in to seem both doctors that care about bloodwork: my cardiologist, and the coroner (my regular doctor that takes care of my diabetes and thyroid). And afterwards, I was doing ok, while I was in the group. But I lost my mind after my birthday and in the area of Christmas, I stopped taking them. Not completely, just more days than not I wasn’t taking them.
When it came out in the group, Cathy said, “I’m not going to swear.” And one of the gals said, “She deserves it!” Karen said today that she knows for a fact that it was discussed in there individually. But that doesn’t mean it was resolved. But I did not say that. The problem is that when I am feeling down, I can’t force myself to take them. She said that I am going to have to act opposite when I get like that. But we only spent a few minutes on that.
I talked a little about she and Cathy. She asked if I felt that I was having the same problem I was having with Nancy. I said no. I’ve given that a lot of thought. I think that the answer is really yes and no. There is a part of me that feels like a little kid. That part of me wants to be nurtured and protected, to feel safe, to have someone else responsible for me. But there is another part of me that knows that isn’t what I want to be. So when Karen asked me if I wanted for her to ask Cathy if she would take me on, I told her “no.” That didn’t take too long either, which left Mom, front and center.
It was hard talking about Mom. After all this time. It’s been almost a year, and I’ve been going to her at least once a week. And all that time in with Cathy too. Well, I did it. I had a preamble of saying it wasn’t much considering the stuff my brothers did, really petty, and I just don’t know. If you did this to an infant, and infant would smile and laugh, no big deal. It was just a stupid little baby-thing, where Mom would poke me in the spot and say “Titty, poke, Titty, poke, Belly Button, poke, Weiner poke.” The thing is it went on until I was way too old, not a baby. And I objected to the wiener bit. I’m a girl. And I think she got a kick out of my irritation and embarrassment. I don’t know that that is so much sexual abuse as teasing. Karen asked me if I would do that to my nieces, no way. So she raised her eyebrows.
She asked me when my mother did that. She did it when I would try to sit with her. Not all the time, but that was her way of interacting. We talked a lot about the names she would call me when she was angry. I mean people swear at their kids, but mom’s words were sexual. Fucking bitch, Slutty pig, Cock Sucker. Mom’s history includes abuse as well. She married my dad when she was 17 and had 4 kids age 5 and under by the time she was 25. We discussed the possibility that my mom’s mom knew about the sexual abuse and used that language against my mom for some warped reason. I don’t think my mom did that to me, not for that reason, because she called my older sister the same things. And she was not available to my brothers — closer in age and power. 2 years in nothing at 50, but the difference between four and six is huge. And having 4 or 5 1/2 years between victim and perp is a lot different than 2 and 3.5 years. I mean to get the best advantage, my brothers would have had to start with her very young, and then they would also have been that much younger. And Lynn was smarter and stronger and more mature than me. Always has been. So Mom called her that stuff too. So she wasn’t using the language because she knew. And yet the lack of boundaries the sexual language. And this sort of game when I tried to be close to her.
In short, I am really fucked up. Karen said it was the perfect storm. I was not set up to succeed. When you factor in my uncle’s murder and how depressed she got then.
For some reason I feel better today though. I got through the rest of the day feeling better than I have in quite a while. Quinnie is doing badly though and I might have to put her down, maybe tomorrow, maybe Saturday. And that is hard. Maybe I am just feeling a little better because Saturday is not too far away.
Well anyway thanks for reading.