Episode 46, It was so long ago….

Episode 46, It was so long ago….

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I saw Karen today.  

I started out asking if we were ok.  She said yes, and asked what I meant/about what.  I said the e-mail.  She said there was one thing she was concerned with.  It was how I said I was being reckless and about the medicine.  Well, we discussed that.  She said that Cathy may have been gentle about it, but it makes her mad.  I told her I took them for the last four days.  She came back that I needed to take them EVERY day.   She’s right of course, but I told her, top of my list on my crisis plan — symptoms that I need help is not taking my medicine.  

The thing is, this isn’t new at all.  When I started coming last year, I had stopped taking my meds altogether because I really don’t want to live much beyond my parents.  It took some time, but I started taking them, and then got in to seem both doctors that care about bloodwork: my cardiologist, and the coroner (my regular doctor that takes care of my diabetes and thyroid).  And afterwards, I was doing ok, while I was in the group.  But I lost my mind after my birthday and in the area of Christmas, I stopped taking them.  Not completely, just more days than not I wasn’t taking them.  

When it came out in the group, Cathy said, “I’m not going to swear.”  And one of the gals said, “She deserves it!”  Karen said today that she knows for a fact that it was discussed in there individually.  But that doesn’t mean it was resolved.  But I did not say that.  The problem is that when I am feeling down, I can’t force myself to take them.  She said that I am going to have to act opposite when I get like that.  But we only spent a few minutes on that.  

I talked a little about she and Cathy.  She asked if I felt that I was having the same problem I was having with Nancy.  I said no.   I’ve given that a lot of thought.  I think that the answer is really yes and no.  There is a part of me that feels like a little kid.  That part of me wants to be nurtured and protected, to feel safe, to have someone else responsible for me.  But there is another part of me that knows that isn’t what I want to be.  So when Karen asked me if I wanted for her to ask Cathy if she would take me on, I told her “no.”  That didn’t take too long either, which left Mom, front and center.  

It was hard talking about Mom.  After all this time.  It’s been almost a year, and I’ve been going to her at least once a week.  And all that time in with Cathy too.  Well, I did it.  I had a preamble of saying it wasn’t much considering the stuff my brothers did, really petty, and I just don’t know.   If you did this to an infant, and infant would smile and laugh, no big deal.  It was just a stupid little baby-thing, where Mom would poke me in the spot and say “Titty, poke, Titty, poke, Belly Button, poke, Weiner poke.”  The thing is it went on until I was way too old, not a baby.  And I objected to the wiener bit.  I’m a girl.  And I think she got a kick out of my irritation and embarrassment.  I don’t know that that is so much sexual abuse as teasing.  Karen asked me if I would do that to my nieces, no way.  So she raised her eyebrows.  

She asked me when my mother did that.  She did it when I would try to sit with her.  Not all the time, but that was her way of interacting.  We talked a lot about the names she would call me when she was angry.  I mean people swear at their kids, but mom’s words were sexual.  Fucking bitch, Slutty pig, Cock Sucker.  Mom’s history includes abuse as well.  She married my dad when she was 17 and had 4 kids age 5 and under by the time she was 25.  We discussed the possibility that my mom’s mom knew about the sexual abuse and used that language against my mom for some warped reason.  I don’t think my mom did that to me, not for that reason, because she called my older sister the same things.  And she was not available to my brothers — closer in age and power.  2 years in nothing at 50, but the difference between four and six is huge.  And having 4 or 5 1/2 years between victim and perp is a lot different than 2 and 3.5 years.  I mean to get the best advantage, my brothers would have had to start with her very young, and then they would also have been that much younger.  And Lynn was smarter and stronger and more mature than me.  Always has been.  So Mom called her that stuff too.  So she wasn’t using the language because she knew.  And yet the lack of boundaries the sexual language.  And this sort of game when I tried to be close to her.  

In short, I am really fucked up.  Karen said it was the perfect storm.  I was not set up to succeed.  When you factor in my uncle’s murder and how depressed she got then.  

For some reason I feel better today though.   I got through the rest of the day feeling better than I have in quite a while.  Quinnie is doing badly though and I might have to put her down, maybe tomorrow, maybe Saturday.   And that is hard.  Maybe I am just feeling a little better because Saturday is not too far away.  

Well anyway thanks for reading.  

 


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13 comments

  1. Deanna Volunteer

    Once I had a doctor yell at me because I wasn’t being serious about an illness. She didn’t yell at just anyone, she did it because she cared and wanted to help me but I was being stubborn. I think that she got mad because she cares.

    I can identify with the teasing. My family was quite similar and it always amazes me how unbothered my mom is when she looks back on memories that would be horrific for most. Like one time my uncle shut her in the crawl space and how he would put spiders in her hair. She says he was just “anwry” nope that was pretty messed up. So, I’m sorry that you had to grow up with that and I’m SO glad that you are the one to break the cycle.

    You’re right, sometimes we are set up not to succeed but I look at life as a set of dominoes. Your’s have fallen down but you can put them up again and make them better than they were before. It’s never too late.

    I’m so sorry about Quinnie, my heart goes out to you. I had a bit of a funeral for Socrates. We planted flower bulbs near the top of the grave so that he will have flowers come spring. I’m making a memory box for him. I’m so sorry that you have to put her to sleep. My first ever dog, a cocker spaniel named Bobby, died of oral cancer. How are the rest of your dogs?

    Deanna

  2. Jess Volunteer

    I’m always glad to see another update from you, even when it isn’t a great one, because it means you’re still fighting. Even when you feel like you’re not – like when you stopped taking your medications – the fact that you still come here and share means that you’re still fighting. I want you to remember that.

    It sounds like you were able to really discuss what you wanted to with Karen during this session, even if it was hard. It’s amazing that you were able to confront her through the email and tell her how you’ve been feeling. Those conversations can be incredibly difficult, so acknowledge the strength it took to not back down! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve come to another realization about abuse in your life. That has to be incredibly difficult. I don’t have words.

    I’m so glad to hear that even with all of this going on, and that incredibly intense session, you are feeling better than you have been. I hope that feeling stays. I’m so sorry to hear that Quinnie is doing worse, though. Losing a pet is incredibly difficult. Keep fighting. You are incredibly strong and you survived these past few weeks. Remember that. It’s always incredibly difficult, but you made it through. Don’t give up.

    As always, we are always here for you. I hope we provide you some measure of support and help at least a little. If there is anything else we can do for you, please let us know. We believe you. <3
    -Jess

  3. SAL Volunteer

    Thanks for continuing to share with us. I hope we’re some help. It sounds like you’re talking through a lot with Karen though, and that’s good. I’m glad the session went like it did and that you’re feeling better. Taking your meds is definitely important, but I understand how hard it is sometimes. We’re always here for you- to listen and try and help as much as we can.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  4. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    You did it!! You talked about your mom with Karen and then you were able to come here and tell us about it!! By the way, I think it was wrong of your mom. I work in early childhood and it is completely inappropriate even as an infant. The only reason you touch them in the diaper area is to clean. I am so sorry that she used those words on you, you are none of those things and shouldn’t have had them used against you. Sending you big hugs and some deep breaths<3
    I agree with Karen; take your medicine!!! It is a priority even when you don't feel like it. You deserve to be healthy.
    I am glad that you are feeling better and I hope that the feeling has stayed with you. You are amazing!!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  5. MH Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    Thank you for the update! I am glad that you are feeling somewhat better. We are always here to listen and support you!

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m glad that you were able to talk to Karen about what your mom did. I personally don’t think that what she did was okay, especially at a young age. She shouldn’t have called you those names either. You have been through situations which you shouldn’t have had to go through, and I am truly sorry for that. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it wasn’t your fault. I will say that I agree with Lizzi – I think you can succeed with the right mindset and work ethic. Based on how hard you’ve been working in therapy, I can tell you’re resilient and willing to work through your challenges. You can do this.
    I’m really sorry about Quinnie, yet I’m also glad that you’re feeling better. That can be a great feeling to have, especially after having these difficult conversations.
    We’re so glad that you’re updating us, and we’re always here to support you. I hope you have a wonderful week, and you’re doing great.

  7. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hey there,

    It sounds like Karen was understanding and helpful for you. It’s okay to have days that are harder than others and some days that are better than others. That’s normal. I’m glad you are having a good day. Thanks again for sharing with us, and stay strong. You got this. We believe and support you.

    Carmen

  8. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there ,

    I am happy karen was understanding. its just how you keep on pushing is important. Thank you for keeping us updated and know we care and you’re always welcome to come back to and share more we will be waiting for you

    -Brianna

  9. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing this update with us. I am glad that Karen was understanding. I think it’s very normal to feel like a little kid sometimes, especially in tough situations. You are so strong. I am so sorry that your mother played that game with you. That was wrong and you did not deserve that. I believe you and I am glad that you are feeling a little bit better. Thank you for sharing, we are all here for you.

    Tyler

  10. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I’m glad that you were able to talk about your mom. I know that was something that was important to you to talk about. I’m sorry that you had to go through that with your mom. It wasn’t appropriate for her to do that and call you those names. I’m sorry that you feel like you’re fucked up and not set up to succeed. It’s never too late to succeed in life even if that hasn’t been your experience too far. I wonder about your dreams and your passions in life and I believe that you can succeed in anything you want to. I’m sorry about Quinnie and I know how hard that is. Thank you for sharing more of your story with us.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  11. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey, I am happy karen was understanding. In life we all have our ups and downs its just how you keep on pushing is important. Thanks for keeping us us updated!

  12. TheRealDFink Volunteer

    Hey there,

    I’m so happy that Karen is understanding of your situation. Everyone goes through Ups & Downs in life and it always helps to have a great support system around you! I’m so happy that you have trusted us here at AVFTI and shared your story. Continue to stay strong, hun!

    -Dustin F

  13. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m happy that Karen was understanding. There are always ups and downs. There are days were you will feel upset, but you will always have been days. No matter how many bad days you have you will have more better days. Don’t doubt the fact that you can be happy. Thank you fro updating us.
    -Alyssa