Episode 45, it happened so long ago…

Episode 45, it happened so long ago…

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But it is still going on.  I am still fighting the effects.  I am still fighting leaving the group.  I’ve been rebelling like a little kid, almost like some magic hand will scoop me up and put me back where I belong.  But it is like I told Karen in the e-mail after meeting with her today: 

  1. “Cathy.  I have been thinking about it, and we did touch on this, the thing is, she is gentle with me and patient with me, and I feel really able to talk about the hard stuff.  I respond to that.  She isn’t afraid to touch me.   And I feel really connected… 
    She seems to understand what is going on with me.  I went from feeling almost nothing to feeling all sorts of things.  A lot of it really hard, painful stuff.  But I also feel validated, and excited about things, almost to the point where I couldn’t contain. 
    9 hours a week in a womb of respect and caring, of course I was moving forward, of course I didn’t want to quit.  Of course I feel like shit right now.   I think she maybe let me stay as long as I did in there, even though I am not borderline or bi-polar,
    because I was making progress.  There has been so much trauma, and frankly, a lot going on while I was in there — dogs dying, confrontations, etc., It was good for me. She is one of four people I would jump out of an airplane for (I am talking sky diving
    not killing myself to lighten the plane).   And, stepping away from that was one of the most difficult things I have had to do.  I have felt awful because I have been comparing your style and her style and I like hers better.  I didn’t ask her if she liked
    me, and I did not ask her if I could switch to her, because I’m a coward, and a negative answer there, would be a rejection that I don’t think I can manage.”

    Yeah, this was just part of the e-mail.  I wanted to talk about two things today, and when I got in there, Karen asked me how I was as we were walking back to the little room, and when I got in there, she went off about getting enough sleep, and eating, and drinking water, and trying to improve my mood by self-care.  And I am watching the clock, the little ticks going, going, going.  At about 30 gone, I started really getting agitated, and she asked me why taking care of myself is making me so emotional.  I told her I was frustrated but then told her not to worry about it.  I couldn’t say what I needed to.  Not then.  She went on, and a few times I chimed in to counter that I was doing this or that.  But the real fact is that I’ve been deliberately doing all the wrong things.  I know things that will make me feel better, and I am not doing them.  
    I want to work on the sexual abuse, which I was able to do in the group, at least somewhat because I felt safe and I was in there for so much time.  It makes me feel bad.  And all these other things, this self-care, I won’t do when I am feeling this way.  I might do some of it for someone else.  I was doing it when I was in the group.  But now I feel totally disconnected.  And I’m being totally rebellious.  And I start trying to move on, and tried to find a group about this, and nothing, every denial seems to put me into a deeper funk, where I won’t do the right things.  
    Karen seems to think that I need to work on self-care to feel better to be in a better place to work on this stuff.  I think I need to work on this to get to the place where I want to work on self-care.  
    So the minutes are ticking away and I know what I WANT to talk about and I know that my next appointment is a week away, and I know that even if I stop her, I won’t be able to talk about either thing.  
    The other thing is Mom.  Something she used to do, and it would probably is something I can’t write about.  It is probably nothing, just an ordinary thing that big people do to babies, but she continued to do this to me until I was way beyond a baby, probably because of my reaction.  Only I don’t know about where it falls on the normal range, and if it does, than I am horrible for thinking it is awful and if it doesn’t then it is horrible.  Either way.  How can I ask about this, but I was prepared to go in and talk about this today.  
    And all I could do was let the minutes tick, tick, tick away.  And when she finally asked me what I wanted to work on, there were 15 minutes, and I said, there isn’t time.  I was so frustrated and feeling so badly, I was emotional, and she was scribbling on her computer, that I was really, REALLY, crazy today (not really).  I told her some of the above, and she suggested me e-mailing her before a session with what I wanted to work on.  That might work.  She said she does believe that self-care is important, but she doesn’t want to bitch at me, and she wants for me to feel safe, she said she knows it takes some time for me to process, so she wanted me to write an e-mail to her when I do, that she would be expecting.  
    I did write it.  It was long, that little paragraph up there was only one of probably 8 or 9.  I signed it, “Well, here goes, I am going to hit the send button, and then I won’t be able to take any of this back, so I just want to say that I do like you. ”  And I do.

    Well thanks for reading.  I know that this period is going to be over at some point.  It just is going to take a little time.  

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15 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for continuing to trust us with your story, and for the update. I know some days can be harder than others but you’ve got this. Keep your head up. We are here for you.

    Carmen

  2. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for the update. You are doing amazing in your recovery and you continue to make progress towards healing. You are on the right path and we are fully here for you and support you.

  3. Gamato04 Volunteer

    Thank you for the update. You have done amazing things in your recovery and you continue to make steps towards healing. You deserve to be healthy and happy. You deserve the world.

  4. music2799 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m glad that you were able to tell Karen how you felt, yet I’m sorry that it has been so hard to leave the group. I think you’re at a stage in which the pain of leaving the group still feels very raw, so it’s difficult to process. It may take time to figure out what to do to feel better and feel ready to do those things, and that’s okay. I think accepting how you feel right now can help with processing the feelings that come up in the future. Maybe in your next email to Karen, you could tell her what you want to work on. You may have more time to work on those things during the sessions.
    The idea of starting a group in church sounds great! I think it could help a lot of people work through their feelings, and that’s incredible. You’re taking steps toward solving the problem of group availability!
    As for your mother, I think it depends on how you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable with what she used to do and if it affects you, then I don’t think it’s an ordinary thing. I hope you’re able to talk about this and figure out how you feel.
    Thank you for updating us. I hope you start feeling better soon, and we’re always here for you.

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m happy you were able to type out the email. It is good that you sent it. Self care is very important. I know sometimes it is easy to push it aside, but everyone needs to work on self care. Even if it is just relaxing for a little bit and just watching some T.V. Keep us updated and let us know how the response to the email goes. Thank you for sharing.
    -Alyssa

  6. SAL Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing with us. That sounds like a really difficult situation and I’m glad you were able to tell Karen exactly how you felt and what exactly you felt you needed to move forward. It’s important that you feel safe and can be honest with someone that’s supposed to be helping you work through all this. Self care is important, but if you’re not in a place to do the things she’s suggesting, it’s useless and it doesn’t help you any. You need someone who’s going to work with you and for you. Keep us updated.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  7. MH Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Thank you for keeping us updated. You have come so far and you will continue to make great strides. Your courage is extremely encouraging to everyone. Some days will be easier than others…you’ve got this. We’re always here for you. Looking forward to the next update.
    MH

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Whew! Our healthcare system really sucks! The fact that the therapy you need to help you continue to get better isn’t available to you is reprehensible. It is understandable that you are feeling defeated and rebellious. It looks like you have taken some of that rebellion and turned it into something good though! Yay for you and you pastor!!! I am excited that you found someone to work with and a way to make things happen for yourself and for others who are hurting. Look at you!! You are amazing!!
    Okay, back to the other; maybe you ting you are acting child-like in your response because that is where you need to go back to in order to acknowledge the trauma that happened at that time and you have to respond to and love that little girl. Sometimes working on one area uncovers others and could be the source for both you and your brothers. If something is causing you to feel uncomfortable or to question the action, my guess is it wasn’t “normal”. Even if it is, it affected you and made you uncomfortable, so your little girl body should have been respected. Just because children are little, doesn’t mean adults and others don’t have to respect them and ask for their consent when hugging, kissing, or touching them. Much of that pressure to please, to ignore that uncomfortable feeling in our gut, or to give in to the wants of others happens when we are very young and forced to give hugs and kisses to familiar adults. We become confused about who is and who isn’t allowed to touch us and when we have a say in it. Sorry, I got off on a bit of a tangent, but I do think that it is significant that you think you are reacting in a “childish” way. I hope that Karen address the contents of your email next week and holds you to discussing it if you still want to work on it.
    Keep going because you are doing it!!! You are making things happen and you are getting better.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. mkyuellig Volunteer

    solongago,

    Thanks for coming here and sharing your story. I want you to know that what you are doing, the steps you are taking to manage your mental health and heal is amazing. That kind of stuff is so hard to do, and is so so exhausting. I hope you are being gentle with yourself, and giving yourself the well-deserved credit for managing all of this. It’s also important to remember that healing is not linear. There will sometimes be days that you feel you move backwards in terms of dealing with things, and that’s totally fine and super normal. I hope you continue to come back to share your journey with us, and that you continue to work so hard at healing. That in itself is self care.

  10. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey, so glad you came back and gave us update your fight is so inspiring to me and others. Please continue to come back

    -Brianna

  11. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Solongago,

    Thank you for your update – your continued fight gives me hope. I’m inspired by all that you do – you are strong for continuously pushing for the support you deserve.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  12. Solongago

    Well that didn’t work out the way I wanted it too. Too small. Only a portion is a quote. Ah well.

    I talked to my pastor today. I was going to complain about the lack of groups and availability for people in our county. He is on the Mental Health board for our county, and he suggested that he and I begin a group in our church, and the greater church can give us a grant, and we can use that to hire a therapist to co-facilitate with him, and he has given this a lot of thought, and we were brainstorming and I am kind of excited about getting this going.

    Good day today, Dad’s birthday, went to church, got them all fired up in Sunday School, talked to the pastor, went to buy dog food, then groceries for the dinner tonight, my sister and her husband and kids were over my parents. Finally they left and I started the dinner, ran out to my place to feed and water the dogs, and then back to make potatoes and corn to go with the stuffed peppers.

    Drinking diet soda rather than sugary pop which is actually good, and took my morning medicine, so I can take the rest of my pills when I get home tonight.

    We won’t be able to get this going until after the mission trip to Puerto Rico in early March, but it sounds this will be more than an ad in the paper and making a pot of coffee and waiting for folks to come.

    1. Jess Volunteer

      I’m so glad that you talked to your pastor about starting a group with a therapist! That is so amazing, Solongago! It’s great to hear that it’s gotten you excited and it seems like maybe it helped kick start a better day for you (and hopefully a better week). I’m also incredibly happy to hear that you’re taking care of yourself by drinking diet soda and taking your morning medication. <3 It took strength to get back to that point, and I want you to know that! Keep moving forward. You can do this! I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way and I sincerely hope that this week is even just a fraction better for you. <3
      -Jess

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thanks for coming back to share more today-hope everything is okay and going better.

    Erin

  14. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I’m sorry that you didn’t get to talk about what you wanted to in your session. It sounds like she had other ideas of what she wanted to talk about instead of hearing what you needed to talk through. I can imagine how frustrating it was to hear about self-care when you had other things on your mind, and it doesn’t seem like you felt heard by her when she kept mentioning it. It sounds like it could be really helpful for you to email her what you’d like to talk about at your next session so you can focus on those things and be more in control of the session. I’m not sure what happened with your mom but if it’s something that effects you, it’s not nothing. I hope that you’ll be able to write about it or explore it during your sessions and find some peace with what happened. If you aren’t ready for self care, don’t feel like it’s something you have to do. I believe you’ll get to that point. Thank you for sharing with us and trusting us with your story.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi