episode 41

episode 41

172 20

Having a rough time right now.  I went to group on Thursday, and saw Karen on Saturday, but it is Christmas, and for some reason this year is tougher than usual.  Last year Christmas drove me back into therapy.  This year Christmas seems just as bad.  If not worse.   I don’t want to see my older brothers at all.  And I done all the stuff: breathing, mindfulness, acting opposite, radical acceptance, hot shower, the whole nine yards, and my mom had to give me an Ativan to get through yesterday, and another today.  

Karen said I can limit the time I stay where my brothers are (at my parents).  But not really.  There is no place to go.  Home is cold.  I am conserving heat so that my fuel does not run out before the man comes with the propane.  And I slept all day today.  I can’t afford to do that the day after Christmas because I am working Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  One more weekend and the holidays will be over.  Then I can settle down for a while.  


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20 comments

  1. Kevin Casey Volunteer

    Sorry for what you went through Christmas to be a tough time of year I’m happy your go see a therapist it will really help if you need anything we are always here to help you if you have any questions we are here to answer them to thank you for sharing your story

  2. Mary Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Christmas can be triggering when you are forced to be near family members that you have such a difficult past with. Be kind to yourself. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself when you can’t leave? Listening to music, coloring, journaling, reading a book? If you feel yourself getting to the breaking point don’t hesitate to text VOICE to 741-741. You are strong, and we’re here for you!

    Mary

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi solongago,
    I’m sorry the holidays are hard for you. They can be hard for everyone, but like you said you just have to keep breathing. You can work through the pain. You are strong. If you need to like Erin said you can text VOICE to 741-741. You got this continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  4. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Holidays can be really, really hard, particularly when you’re the victim of some form of familial abuse where your abuser is still around. It’s tough for me, too. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time right now, and we are here for you. Thank you for coming back to share, and remember that you can text VOICE to 741 741.

    Erin

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey thanks for keeping us update on your progress. I am so sorry you are having a hard time but its normal for people to have these feelings over the holodays. Maybe go out to a library or theather to see if that would help. Sometimes leaving the environment is difficult but knows it beneficial for you. Stay strong and you are amazing.

  6. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for keeping us updated on your progress. I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time, but I think that’s pretty normal for people over the holidays, unfortunately :/ Could you spend time at the local library, or maybe a coffee shop or somewhere, just to get away from your family? Maybe that will help. Have you seen Karen since posting? Maybe she will be able to provide some insight.

    Stay strong. You’re doing amazing.

  7. Megan Volunteer

    Solongago,

    What you’re feeling is totally valid! The holidays can be a rough time for everyone. Especially with getting out of your normal routine and the like. Maybe if you can’t limit being at your parents house, you could limit the time you’re actually in the same room with them or engaging with them? Even in the same house, there are still ways to avoid interacting with people. Like if you’re in the same room as them just don’t start conversation with them or read by yourself or focus on the TV? I’m not sure about your situation at their house so I don’t know how well it will actually work but it could be worth a try. If not, the holidays are nearly over and soon everything will get back to normal.

    You got this.
    Megan

  8. Jess Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear that the holidays are a struggle for you. Don’t feel alone – the holidays tend to bring struggle to people’s lives, but I’m still sorry to hear that you feel that way. I hope you’re able to find a way to enjoy what you can. Remember to take care of yourself the best you can. If that means a day of sitting in your apartment or house after the holidays, then do it. Take care of you and stay strong, Solongago. As always, if there is anything else we can do, please let us know. We’re always here. Sending good thoughts your way. <3
    -Jess

  9. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Solongago. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with the holidays. It’s not an easy time for me either. I’m sure a lot of people here are feeling the same, too. Just remember to take care of yourself first, we can get through this.

  10. MH Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    The holidays can be a difficult time for many. Your feelings are completely valid. I hope that you are doing alright!
    Please feel free to give us an update- we are always here for you!

  11. blashea

    Hi, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. It is understandable to feel this way around the holiday season. I hope you know how strong and brave you are. We are all proud of you. I hope that things begin to look up for you and that you are able to relax more. Thank you for conintuing to trust us with your story. We are all here for you and support you and believe in you.

  12. SAF Volunteer

    Hi solongago,
    I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. Things will get better- easier. You’ve survived so far. Everything will be okay. If we can help at all, let us know.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella Filano

  13. Sweetny Volunteer

    The holidays can be so hard on their own. I can’t imagine how hard it must be with your brothers there too. Thanks for continuing to update us on how you’re doing – I read through your past posts and I really hope you’re doing okay.

    When I’m really struggling, I find that going to work actually helps. Keeps me busy and focused on other things, and I even go out of my way to create side projects if I know I’m going through a particularly hard time that I want to distract myself from. Today is Wednesday so you’ve gone back to work already, and I hope that has helped at least a little! Let us know how you’re doing now and after the holidays are officially over. 2019 will be your year, Solongago. You really deserve it.

  14. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. Holidays can be extremely difficult and overwhelming, especially if you’re still being exposed to an assailant. I unfortunately understand how you’re feeling about seeing your assailants more often during the holidays. You’re not alone.
    I think it’s good that you’re giving yourself something to look forward to (settling down for a while). I remember you saying in your past updates that you’ve been able to confide in your sister. Have you talked to her recently? Maybe talking about it with someone who understands could help.
    Thank you for updating us. I’m proud of you for being so open about what you’re going through. We’re here to support you through this difficult time, so please feel free to reach out. I’m sending you my love and strength, and you can get through this.

  15. Solongago

    It’s over. All the folks are gone. Just my parents here now. I don’t know which is harder, the youngest girls who yell and seem to need constant attention, or the drinking adults, or the sisters in law that I don’t know what to say to. And then there are my brothers. But it is over now. Thanks. Just one more holiday to go.

  16. Deanna Volunteer

    Hey there
    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that. Solidarity, I’ve dealt with it too. You can get through this. I’m down too, helping people makes me feel better. What makes you feel better?

    -Deanna

    1. Solongago

      What makes me feel better? Puppies, sleep, hot chocolate, warm sunshine, being mostly submersed in a hot tub while snow falls on my head at night. Having a job that I don’t have to go to tomorrow. A large rib steak, medium rare. My sister and her girls. Cooking Hungarian Goulash or Chicken Paprikash. Going to sleep after the house is entirely clean (hasn’t happened in years). Hearing about how my puppies are doing.

      1. Deanna Volunteer

        We have a lot in common. Which breed? I remember you talking about your pups before. I’ve thought of becoming a breeder because I love the science it all and of course I love animals and know how they develop etc. For me it would be either persian cats or English bulldogs.

        How are you feeling now?

        1. Solongago

          I breed German Shepherd Dogs. Love them. Breeding is where science and art and nature and spirituality collide. At this moment, the house is quiet, folks are asleep, I’ve been listening to the old R&B music, Aretha Franklin, Jackie Wilson, Bill Withers, etc. I’m doing better. I need to go home and take care of my dogs. Pass out some dog toys to the youngsters. I’m ok. Thank you.

          1. Deanna Volunteer

            Yes! We talked about me having a chow. Please excuse the mental lapses, thank you medication. (I recently began taking Ativan and it’s has an effect on retention, it is driving me bonkers.)

            I’m so glad you’re feeling better. When I went through a similar situation a friend told me that I was so strong for being able to even sit in the same room, let alone interaction. That is seriously draining but you did great!

            I am being beckoned by my very vocal persian cat, Socrates, at this moment. I hope that your pups give you lots of cuddles and joy. Every thirty seconds or so I receive a paw patting my face. Dogs have masters, cats have servants, right?

            Merry Christmas
            Deanna