So much has happened, is happening. On Thursday, Cathy let us know that one of our members died on Sunday. She did not commit suicide. She was almost exactly a year older than me. I guess she died in her sleep. I think she was in the group about 4 weeks maybe. But that would be 12 3-hour sessions, more or less. It is amazing how much you get to know someone in that time. It is very sad.
I think another member quit. I know I shouldn’t take credit for that, but if she couldn’t take someone disagreeing with her, than it was my fault. Of course, more likely, she just had way too much going on, or fell off the wagon, or was dissatisfied with the group as a whole and just dropped out. I’m not overly fussed about it. I mean, I’ve been there so long that I think maybe if someone has a problem, I’m kind of an impostor and I should move over (leave the group) so others do not lose the opportunity. And then I come to my senses. If Cathy thinks I no longer can get anything out of the group, she will tell me, and we will work on getting me out of there. I am not waiting for that to happen, in fact, I had a kind of problem on Tuesday this week. I mean, so much is happening, so much I am processing with the conversation with Brian and all. Cathy isn’t acting concerned about my hanging out there at all.
Last week Karen said we would work on a plan to get me out of there this week. But we didn’t. This was because I mentioned that I really cannot afford it. But we didn’t talk about it this week because I didn’t bring it up. Too much going on. If Cathy and Karen are connecting about me, I don’t know. I’ve stopped asking. I am just as paranoid, but whatever. I stopped asking how long this is going to take, which according to Karen is growth, I don’t really remember asking it quite that way, but whatever. I think I am giving up and just letting it take as much time as it will take. That is what I keep saying: “I should be over this by now.”
I’m tired. I’m sad and depressed. The perpetual grey-black cloud is parked over my head and it won’t leave me alone. I am wondering around like Eor. I can’t do a Tigger if my life depended on it. I can’t even do a Winnie the Poo, or Piglet.
I talked to Denise at the CRCC on Wednesday. I finished the assessment — it took two sessions. [Karen said that isn’t abnormal and insurance companies allow for two sessions when billing.] The last half hour we talked about Brian. She said they do not encourage confrontations for just the reason, what happened with me. Most of the time, 75% or more, can’t remember the exact figure of perpetrators never admit they did anything wrong. With him back to drinking heavily he is not facing things and perhaps not able. I told her that if I did not try to talk to him, I would regret it if I did not get the chance, like if he dies.
I whined about how I am angry with him now, and regret having not gone into how it effected my life. Denise asked me if I was going to fill those holes in my life with bitterness or with good stuff. Geeze. I guess she won’t let me feel sorry for myself. I told her she was right. I do have choices. But when she asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I wanted to be a rotten bitch for a while.
When I told Karen this, she laughed and asked if I was easing her into knowing Sue or just jumping right in. I came back with how I didn’t ease into anything with her (Karen). She said she was joking.
I am sorry if this is really fragmented. I am feeling a little fragmented right now. I got Cathy, and I feel like she is really on my side, and I am starting to feel safe enough in there to let some stuff out. Sometimes it is not all that voluntary. It is usually somewhat delayed though. I started to panic on Tuesday. I tried to hold it in check, but while they were having a quiet, image, mindfulness, my body decided to turn that into crying. The thing is, I really don’t know why I started to panic in the first place. Cathy said that I am working through a lot of stuff, and I have a lot to work through, and I am doing well by managing to stay in there when that happened, and to use the skills.
I was going to ask Karen if she thought I was stupid for having unreasonable expectations for my brother. I told her that. But I’m not stupid — that is a cognitive distortion. She said that because this was the first contact with my brother about that, no one could have known for sure what the outcome would be. From what I knew of him, it wasn’t unreasonable, not until you factor in the increased drinking, and I didn’t know that was the case until I talked to Lisa (my sister) after the fact.
My Christian beliefs are internally pressuring me to forgive, but I thought I was there, but took 3 steps backwards. Now, I’m pissed. I am irritated with myself for not saying more to him. I mean, he knows I remember, and that I think it affected both of our lives, and that I’ve been in a lot of therapy, but there is so much more I want him to know. I don’t want to rush into forgiveness when I am just no longer there. It’s a process. Maybe I am going to have to forgive him (in my heart) once a month, once a week, once a day, several times a day. Until it sticks. But I am not there right now. I’m still pissed. So I am kind of feeling opposite with regards to my faith walk right now.
It seems like I feel two ways, conflicted, about a lot of things. I’m not in a comfortable place right now. I am worried about Thanksgiving. I will see Cathy tomorrow and Tuesday, but I won’t see Denise on Wednesday, Thursday is a holiday, and Saturday I won’t see Karen. I do have appointments for every Saturday in December though. Well, anyway. It’s a long weekend coming up. Will be doing a ton of work on Thursday, and then the rest of the weekend I have to try to fill out somehow.
My A1C numbers went down but are still high enough that the coroner wants me to take another sugar med. Not sure I will do that. The cardiologist says that I should be on a statin and the coroner said that too, so I started that. Today. Still waiting to hear about my polyps from the colonoscopy, but am not worried because the doc did not seem worried about them. When Mom had hers he got her back in right away and under the knife super fast. The cardiologist said everything is looking good. I lost a little weight — trending down. Blood pressure is a little high, but I told him about how I’ve been missing the meds and he said maybe we should just monitor it and the coroner can add the other med if necessary. I am already taking metoprolol and losartan for that. I couldn’t take the lisinipril, and adding the cholesterol med with the thyroid med and the diabetes med, and my aspirin, well it’s a cocktail already, and the thyroid has to be taken on an empty stomach by itself, which is why I forget to take the rest. But mostly good news on the health front.