I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words. I was so relieved to read them and for the first time I felt like maybe what happened is not irrelevant. I feel like a big part of trauma is everything that comes afterwards. I’m expected to function, to be a productive member of society, to “just be normal”. But that’s difficult if I feel so abnormal inside. Reading your comments on my post made me feel like it is OK for me to be here.
Part of why I struggle so much to speak about what happened is that sexual violence was shrugged off as “no big deal” for so long. So many people experienced and still experience it. We are used to hearing stories about sexual assault and r*** and a lot of people have no interest in hearing another one. There is this notion that we should just take it and not make a fuss, like it’s just a part of life. While I was studying I have been told by a professor that a script I wrote for her class was “done a million times before” because one narrative was an abusive relationship. She said “we don’t need another comment on #MeToo, find something that personally concerns you and don’t try to make a political statement.”
This was incredibly upsetting to me because my text was very personal. I didn’t tell my story, what I wrote was fiction, but it was the closest I ever came to openly be all parts of myself. I could have dealt with her statement if I had felt like the script was bad, but it was not! I stand by that. After this incidence I dropped out of uni and never finished my degree.
The frequency of sexual violence doesn’t make my or anyone else’s story less important, it makes them more important, and I feel like all of us deserve to be heard. Thank you for giving us a platform! It is true, what I am saying, feeling and thinking is redundant and has been said, felt and thought before, many times. So why do we still have to go through this? Why do I worry about offending others if I were to talk about having been raped? I struggle to exist. Every single day. And that’s not irrelevant. I feel like I will never achieve anything. I am so incredibly privileged and still feel like I’m never even gonna have a shot at life, so I can only imagine how many people must feel the same way.
I truly don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to make money to support myself because working in a meaningless job, surrounded by people who think of themselves as better or worse than others, made me cry every day, so I quit. I don’t know how to ever be a writer because it takes me a stupid amount of time to get anything done. I feel broken, but through your comments I feel empathy.
There are so many things I want to do, and I just don’t have the strength to do anything.