Hey again. I’ve been thinking about something.
I remember feeling extremely nervous around him – a feeling I have never felt with anyone else – even with other crushes. I was hyperaware and could barely form sentences when talking to him. I think my body was warning me that something wasn’t right.
I’ve noticed that whenever I see him or when I’m in the church, my feelings are out of whack. I’ve known this for a while. The memories don’t play in a sequence that often, but the feelings are almost always there. Sometimes I’ll only feel unsettled and paranoid, and other times I’ll feel everything from sadness to anger to doubt to guilt and so much more. Maybe it’s because being around him is reminding me of everything I felt three years ago. Afterwards, I feel drained and unsettled, and it takes hours to get back to a somewhat peaceful state of mind. I normally take a nap after the service, which helps a bit.
There are also certain songs, colors, dates, etc. that either remind me of what happened or remind me of my interactions with him. For example, a couple of days ago, my sister was singing something that we used to sing in Sunday School a few years ago. It triggered a memory. I froze for a few seconds. I was trying to get her to listen to me (and I was feeling triggered, vulnerable, and unnerved), but she wouldn’t stop singing. I got frustrated and had to yell to get her attention. I just wanted the singing to stop.
I’m more observant of my surroundings, especially in public. ESPECIALLY in church. I don’t want him near me. I’m paranoid when a guy is behind me and when I’m walking by myself. It’s harder to trust people.
I’ve heard of emotional flashbacks, and I’m wondering if this is what I’m experiencing. I’m curious, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions too quickly.