Its been a little while since i posted last but i guess ive had some stuff on my mind
I was talkin to my therapist a couple weeks ago about my constant seeking out of stories about abuse and she said it sounded like we still had something to process.
Specifically, she was talking about one of my alters needing to talk about things, things i may not have recovered fully yet, and i should try to be more open to those memories so i could process them and work through them
I guess i took a couple steps back then, i put my fingers in my hears and i blocked it all out, because i dont want to remember more. What i already remembered was bad enough, why would i want to remember more?
But it got worse and i found my mind getting stuck in these awful places again and again and finally i decided i should just accept that i cant keep pretending nothing happened, and i cant pretend my alters arent here, and as good as i may have gotten at appearing like a totally functioning adult with a singular identity and no trauma its just a very good ruse and not the truth of my situation no matter how badly i may want that
And when i allowed this alter to speak openly, by god she did, and i was right in not wanting to remember more because ive felt like throwing up every time i step in the shower for about 4 days now
Its kind of crazy the way DID and alters and trauma all work. Like, when i think about my abuse, my first thought was my neighbor. It was his house, he seemed like the ringleader in it all, there were other men there, sure, but my neighbor is who i usually think of first
But these memories were all surrounded this other man who was there many times, and seemed to think we were genuinely in love, and thought he was the good guy, and the other men were hurting me and it upset him so he said we would run away and start our own family and i cried and he said he would wait on me. I remember him giving me this piece of beef jerky and i told him i was going to be a vegetarian and he called me a silly little girl and he laughed at me and he raped me.
How can a grown adult be so stupid? How can someone really be so ignorant to think that a 6 or 7 year old child would run away with them?
It scares me to think about him.
Thinking about my neighbor, it scares me because he was violent, not to me but to his family, and im so aware of the fact it could have easily turned to violence against me and i could have died. I was raped so many times in his house, its a wonder i never went into total shock. Its scary to look back and know what serious physical danger i was in everytime i stepped foot in that building
But something about this man ive remembered more about now is even scarier because i dont think he would have physically hurt me and that scares me even more. It scares me so much to imagine what he could have done, what he could have been planning to do and never got to do.
Everything about that entire situation scares me. My heart beats so fast, i feel like im kneeling on the edge of a cliff and im holding the tiny hand of this little girl dangling off the edge and all she can see is the sun and the clouds up above her and the birds in the sky and all i can see are the jagged rocks and deep water below her and it absolutely terrifies me.
I try to focus on the now. My therapist tells me to stop time travelling, just exist in the present, but its so hard.
I want to just put some clothes in a bag and get in my car and start driving some days. I dont know where i would go, but so often this urge to just run as far as i can is so overwhelming i dont know what else to do besides stare at my bank account and try to convince the logical side of my brain that i wouldnt make it three hours before i run out of gas. Thankfully that works lol but its frustrating to deal with cuz for some reason my brain thinks that if i just keep moving and going further and further ill be safe, but thats not true at all cuz bad people are everywhere.
I dont know where im going with this anymore. Im just rambling now i guess.
My therapist says that i need to focus on how afraid i am all of the time, but i dont know how to logic away fear, because fear seems like the most logical emotion to me.
A couple week ago i discovered i had put some pieces of tape on my closet door to help me make sure that no one was sneaking into my room and hiding in my closet during the day, but i still open it and check anyway. A friend found a steakknife in my room and i didnt know how to explain in a sane sounding way that i use it to check each of the closets and cabinets and cupboards in my apartment when i get home, just in case.
I dont know. I think being afraid makes sense, but its not by any means convenient. People hurt people.
Regardless, I wish i wasnt so scared all of the time.