Eighth post

Hello again

Its been a little while since i posted last but i guess ive had some stuff on my mind

I was talkin to my therapist a couple weeks ago about my constant seeking out of stories about abuse and she said it sounded like we still had something to process. 

Specifically, she was talking about one of my alters needing to talk about things, things i may not have recovered fully yet, and i should try to be more open to those memories so i could process them and work through them

I guess i took a couple steps back then, i put my fingers in my hears and i blocked it all out, because i dont want to remember more. What i already remembered was bad enough, why would i want to remember more?

But it got worse and i found my mind getting stuck in these awful places again and again and finally i decided i should just accept that i cant keep pretending nothing happened, and i cant pretend my alters arent here, and as good as i may have gotten at appearing like a totally functioning adult with a singular identity and no trauma its just a very good ruse and not the truth of my situation no matter how badly i may want that

And when i allowed this alter to speak openly, by god she did, and i was right in not wanting to remember more because ive felt like throwing up every time i step in the shower for about 4 days now

Its kind of crazy the way DID and alters and trauma all work. Like, when i think about my abuse, my first thought was my neighbor. It was his house, he seemed like the ringleader in it all, there were other men there, sure, but my neighbor is who i usually think of first

But these memories were all surrounded this other man who was there many times, and seemed to think we were genuinely in love, and thought he was the good guy, and the other men were hurting me and it upset him so he said we would run away and start our own family and i cried and he said he would wait on me. I remember him giving me this piece of beef jerky and i told him i was going to be a vegetarian and he called me a silly little girl and he laughed at me and he raped me. 

How can a grown adult be so stupid? How can someone really be so ignorant to think that a 6 or 7 year old child would run away with them? 

It scares me to think about him. 

Thinking about my neighbor, it scares me because he was violent, not to me but to his family, and im so aware of the fact it could have easily turned to violence against me and i could have died. I was raped so many times in his house, its a wonder i never went into total shock. Its scary to look back and know what serious physical danger i was in everytime i stepped foot in that building

But something about this man ive remembered more about now is even scarier because i dont think he would have physically hurt me and that scares me even more. It scares me so much to imagine what he could have done, what he could have been planning to do and never got to do. 

Everything about that entire situation scares me. My heart beats so fast, i feel like im kneeling on the edge of a cliff and im holding the tiny hand of this little girl dangling off the edge and all she can see is the sun and the clouds up above her and the birds in the sky and all i can see are the jagged rocks and deep water below her and it absolutely terrifies me. 

I try to focus on the now. My therapist tells me to stop time travelling, just exist in the present, but its so hard. 

I want to just put some clothes in a bag and get in my car and start driving some days. I dont know where i would go, but so often this urge to just run as far as i can is so overwhelming i dont know what else to do besides stare at my bank account and try to convince the logical side of my brain that i wouldnt make it three hours before i run out of gas. Thankfully that works lol but its frustrating to deal with cuz for some reason my brain thinks that if i just keep moving and going further and further ill be safe, but thats not true at all cuz bad people are everywhere. 

I dont know where im going with this anymore. Im just rambling now i guess. 

My therapist says that i need to focus on how afraid i am all of the time, but i dont know how to logic away fear, because fear seems like the most logical emotion to me. 

A couple week ago i discovered i had put some pieces of tape on my closet door to help me make sure that no one was sneaking into my room and hiding in my closet during the day, but i still open it and check anyway. A friend found a steakknife in my room and i didnt know how to explain in a sane sounding way that i use it to check each of the closets and cabinets and cupboards in my apartment when i get home, just in case. 

I dont know. I think being afraid makes sense, but its not by any means convenient. People hurt people.

Regardless, I wish i wasnt so scared all of the time. 


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25 comments

  1. mkyuellig

    Hi soundscape,

    I’m so sorry that you are having such a hard time continuing to process this trauma. It is so complex and intense, and I think you are so strong and brave for continuing on the way you do, attending therapy, sharing with us. That is not an easy feat. All of the fear and anxiety you express makes complete sense given the trauma you experienced, and I would never say that makes “insane.” I think you are doing an excellent job on focusing on the now. See if there’s an activity that can keep your mind off these thoughts if it becomes overwhelming – learn a new language, or start cross stitching (that’s something boring that I do that keeps my brain busy). Even if it doesn’t feel like it, I see such incredible growth each time that you post. I’m sorry that you are having a low point right now, but know that your emotions and experience is valid, and that we are here to support you in whatever ways we can.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi soundscape,

    Thank you for reaching out again. It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to recall more things about what happened during your childhood, especially since the things you do remember are already terrible. Thinking about your neighbor is absolutely horrifying, and it is even scarier to remember other things that he said/did. It’s definitely hard trying not to be scared all the time, but we believe in you, and we are always here for you. Please feel free to reach out again if you want to talk more. Take care.

  3. colton95 Volunteer

    What you’re going through is perfectly normal. I think it’s so great that you’re taking steps towards healing and going to therapy. Feel free to share any thoughts here or reach out to anyone here if you ever need to talk to someone.

  4. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming to share your story, and I hope it helped you process. I am so sorry that all of this is coming back to you. Healing can be really long and painful. But ultimately, it’s to help you live a happier and healthier life. “Ignorance is bliss” can sound so great, and I can relate to wishing you didn’t remember things and wishing the memories didn’t come rushing back, but that alter will still be there. And processing these painful memories may help. If you are comfortable, you should consider talking to your therapists about how you can’t logic away your fear because the feeling is so strong. But it’s important to remember that you’re strong also. This is incredibly difficult, but you can do this. I wish you the best of luck and we are always here for you. Stay strong.

    Love and support,
    Breanna

  5. zoeyb

    I am so sorry that you’ve felt so afraid recently. I can only imagine how much of an ongoing process therapy is, but it takes so much strength to just go in and receive that guidance and help, and I’m so glad you’re keeping at it. One thing that really stuck out to me from your update is how your therapist told you to “logic away” your fear. Since then, have you found any coping mechanisms that have helped you try to do this in those fearful moments?

    Thank you for updating us, we are always here. Keep strong and know that your effort towards your healing is incredibly important and inspiring.

    – zoey

  6. Lizzi

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you with your neighbor. It’s disgusting to think an adult would try to get a child to run away with them, and it must be scary to realize now how dangerous he was. I know therapy is such a hard process and it sounds like you’re making such good progress. Even if it’s hard to believe now, this all will be worth it. Instead of physically running away, I wonder if there is another way you can get the same kind of relief from the fear. Maybe something else you can do that’s free and at home to make yourself feel safer. You’re gonna get through this! We’re here for you and we believe in you. You’re such a strong person and even when you don’t think you can, you can handle this.

    Lizzi

  7. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    What you’ve gone through with your therapist recently is a huge step toward your recovery. That took a whole lot of courage and strength. I’m so proud of you for allowing your alter to come forward and share those things even though they are painful. I’m sorry that it’s been physically difficult as you process these newly reveled memories. I understand exactly how it feels processing things long forgotten. It’s not easy at all. You’ve got this. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  8. Ashley Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    It sounds like your therapist has provided great suggestions; sitting with difficult memories, concentrating on the fear, and working on keeping yourself in the present. Hearing these ideas is one thing, but making the decision to implement them into your life is courageous.
    Since the memories that you had confronted were painful, it’s understandable that you were reluctant to uncover more. I’m sorry that facing additional memories has caused you to feel physically ill and uneasy. The fact that you could have been placed in deadly and violent situations is unsettling.
    When it comes to the tape on your closet and keeping a steak knife in your room, I’m not passing judgment. If those two things provide you with comfort, that’s fine. It sounds like you’re trying to find ways to cope with the fear and it’s not wrong that you want to feel secure in your apartment.

    I hope that you’re doing well!

    Ashley

  9. rkr18 Volunteer

    Soundscape,

    Thank you for continuing to update us. I’m sorry you are scared all the time. It’s hard to put a time on when you will stop being scared. If it could help keep a log of when you feel scared and you can also write to us when you feel that way. I know it’s not easy, with all you went through, but I hope it can help some. You are so brave and we are proud of you! We are always here for you.
    -Continued blessings,
    Marie

  10. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for updating us. I think how you are feeling is totally valid. It makes to be afraid, given what you’ve been through. I completely agree with what music2799 said below – logic is probably a good coping mechanism, but it might be helpful to talk with your therapist and try to find some… more… helpful techniques? That’s not really what I mean because I know you’re doing the best you can, but I think a professional would probably have some really effective strategies that go hand-in-hand with how YOU best deal with the situation you’re in. Even if they don’t, they would probably be able to do some research and help you unpack everything in the best way for you specifically.

    After all, it’s really important that you’re comfortable with the strategies you use to cope. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need us. We’re here for you! Stay strong and please take care of yourself.

    Marissa

  11. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m proud of you for trying to work through this, even though it sounds really scary and exhausting. It’s valid and understandable that you’re feeling afraid, especially while these memories are making their way back to the surface. I think that fear is there because it’s trying to protect you, yet I can understand why it would feel inconvenient. Has your therapist given you some strategies and/or grounding techniques to try when you’re feeling afraid? Sometimes these can help us stay in the present moment. I don’t think it’s easy to use logic to relieve fear, but I think it can be done with a lot of practice. I think it’s something we can learn how to do. Maybe you could ask your therapist about how to use logic to relieve fear and see what she says.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here for you, and we’re glad to help. I believe in you, and you’ve got this. You are strong.

  12. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back and updating us on your story. I’m glad you have been able to talk to your therapist recently. I know it must be hard, but its good that you are accepting that you should try and work through this instead of letting it hover over your head. It is really scary how violent people can be. You are so strong to be working through this, it takes a lot of focus and strength. Being afraid is a completely normal reaction and its okay to be afraid sometimes. Working through this with your therapist is a really good way to help yourself not feel afraid all of the time. I believe in you and I know you will be able to continue to make progress.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  13. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story and continuing to update it. We all deal with trauma differently. The way you’re feeling is okay and totally valid. Healing from these events can take a lot of time and work, so don’t put yourself down for struggling. You’re so strong for sharing your story and for talking to your therapist to work towards healing. Let us know if you ever need anything. We’re here for you in anyway we can be.

  14. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back to let us know how you are doing. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with fear right now. It is normal to be afraid, it is how our body tries to protect itself, but sometimes, it has gone through so much that it has to be retrained. Is your therapist helping work on the things that trigger the fear and trying to reduce them? That may be something you want to ask about if not. It is really hard to remain in the present if you don’t have established strategies in order to do that. We are always happy to hear from you and we will always be here to listen and support you. Please make sure to reach out to a friend, your therapist, or the Crisis Text Line others mentioned if you are feeling overwhelmed. Think about things that help you feel happy and calm…can you do any of those when you begin to feel overwhelmed? Some people like to exercise, go for a walk, listen to music, draw, write, do a crossword puzzle, play a video game, watch TV, write to us, etc…find something that you enjoy and make a plan to do it when you begin to feel overwhelmed. You are strong and brave and you are not alone in this.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  15. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Hello!

    Thank you for sharing what you’re going through, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much. There is no “perfect” way to get through trauma, and unfortunately it takes more time than we’d prefer. What you’re feeling is 100% valid, and it’s okay to feel scared or conflicted. I would try to just take things a day at a time and remember to take deep breaths when you start to feel panicked. Sometimes when we dive into traumatic memories, it can feel like you’re trapped, but just know it is all going to be okay. Just try to focus on what you’re comfortable with and do what feels right.

    We are always here for you no matter what, and will always be here to listen when you need us.

    Katie

  16. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for continuing to update and trust us with your story. I’ve read all your posts and I’m sorry that you are feeling so much fear. You are so brave for going to therapy and sharing your story with us. Remember we are here and listening, you are never alone.

    Shannon

  17. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello, friend!

    Thank you so much for sharing more of your story with us. I’m so sorry that the things you’re uncovering are so overwhelming and traumatic for you. I can only imagine the desire to leave things as they are and not learn more than you’d like to. You are so incredibly brave and courageous for facing things head-on! I can understand how sometimes fear seems like the most logical emotion because it’s trying to keep you safe, and I can understand at the same time not wanting to constantly be scared of people and situations around you. Everything you’re feeling and experiencing and thinking, even if it feels terrifying, is valid and real because it’s what you’re going through, and it’s also great that you’re able to go through it with your therapist helping you to make sense of things and heal from it. I know things feel really scary and probably overwhelming right now, but please remember that you’re an incredibly strong and resilient person, and you’re doing such a great job at taking care of your mental health! Please never forget that we are always here for you to talk to, to share your stories, or to find support from others.

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  18. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling the way you are. I am glad you trust us with your thoughts and feelings, I know how difficult that can be. You are so brave for pushing through those fears every day and continuing to survive. It is a journey to healing and you are on the right track. Stay strong. I want you to know the way you feel is completely valid. You went through something so traumatic and it is a normal response to be scared now. It is okay to feel that way, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. Focus on moving forward. Your therapist is giving you good advice and he or she has your best interest in mind so stick with it. Remember we are always here for you if you need to share more of your story, or update us anytime. We are always happy to hear from you. If you need to talk to someone immediately, there is a crisis hotline you are able to text. Just text VOICE to 741-741 to talk to someone 24/7. Stay strong!

    -Natalie

  19. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through, and that you are dealing with so much fear right now. While therapy can be difficult, it really can be rewarding as well. Please know that we are here for you, and that you are not alone. Stay strong. You will get through this.

    Carmen

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m sorry that you are scared so much right now. I know it’s tough with therapy bringing up a lot of memories that can be scary, but I hope therapy is helping. Remember that you can always text our crisis line, VOICE to 741 741 in the interim if that’s helpful. Come back to share whenever you need. We are here for you.

    Erin

  21. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there soundscape,

    It’s understandbale that you’re afraid and extra vigiliant about your surroundings. Wanting to stay safe, especially after you’ve been hurt, is means for survival. I know it is devastating to feel scared all the time. You are doing what makes you feel better, and that’s okay. Please make sure you can keep yourself safe while doing so, though. As a reminder, our friends at Crisis Text Line are there for you 24/7. You can reach them by texting VOICE to 741-741. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable.

    Keep on fighting,
    SFM

  22. Graciegrace22

    Hello,

    Thank you so much for being so brave to share your story with us. You did nothing to deserve what happened to you and you were an innocent child you were not developed enough to understand what was happening to you. I am glad you are working to develop some healing with your therapist.

  23. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Hey!
    Thank you so much for sharing your story, I just read back and am all caught up. I really appreciate that you keep updating on how you are doing, that takes a lot of strength. You aren’t alone in this.
    Rambling and talking through your thoughts and feelings is a great way to work through things, but in the end you have to do it at your own pace, go with what makes you feel the best.
    You are doing great things so far. I hope you are staying safe and caring for yourself. 💕

  24. Solongago

    I am sorry you are having so much trouble with these fears. Have you considered getting a dog? There are emotional support animals and there are service animals. In your case, it may be a service dog. A good dog maybe would dispel the fears of people hiding in your closet or breaking in without you knowing about it. They can help in a lot of other ways too, like self care, exercise, social activities with others (having the dog present, can make talking to people you don’t know a lot easier). They also ground us, and make us live in the present, and so much more. Another point, if the dog is and emotional support dog, or service dog, restrictions landlords make about dogs do not apply. So if they say you can have a dog under 40 pounds and you want a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler, than you can have a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler. If it is interesting at all, maybe talk about it with your therapist and see what she thinks.

  25. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    It is good to hear back from you. I’m sorry that this is happening all of a sudden. I think your therapist has a good point that you should try to talk to them about all of your past trauma’s because bottling them up isn’t good. It can lead you to a scarier place in your mind than what you want and it might slow your recovery process down, which is okay. Everyone recovers at their own pace and sometimes in recover you have to go backwards before forwards, but you will always get through it. I don’t think that your therapist should push you though into making you talk or think about memories you aren’t ready to have or think about. You should deal with these memories when you are completely ready to.
    Your therapist is giving you good advice when they say you have to live in the present because if you put yourself back in that situation you were in you are going to try to convince yourself it is going to happen again, but it won’t. You are safe now and you are older, stronger, and know how to handle situations like this now. Don’t let the past scare you. Thank you for updating us. Hopefully these scared feelings go away. If they don’t you can always write back and if you can/want to I would talk to your therapist about how you are feeling.
    -Alyssa