It’s a very conflicting disease: PTSD.
A part of me is angry at myself for allowing myself to get raped in the first place, but how often do you expect to by someone you trusted?
Another part of me is confused, sad, wanting to tuck away from the world.
The other half is telling me it could’ve been worse.
Do I regret the relationship? Not really, but as said, I didn’t think it would’ve happened, but it did. Maybe I should’ve fought him off, or at least said something to him afterwards, or maybe I should’ve just sucked it up and pretended it didn’t happen.
Because at one point, I was in love with him. I loved him.
It’s still an odd feeling calling him my “rapist” especially since he more than likely wasn’t aware of what he did, despite me saying “Stop” or “Slow down.”
Why can’t I just admit it to myself instead of having various emotions? It’s exhausting…
Would it be right to tell him? My new therapist says it wouldn’t do any good, and his ex fiance knows (whom I’m friends with), but it’s just completely draining day in and day out still trying to come to terms with this.
Why do I feel guilty still? Why do I feel I did something wrong to get raped in the first place? Could I have prevented it?