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I have been struggling with a few things for sometime. I have been wanting to share on here for quite awhile but just didn’t think my thoughts or what’s going on really was that important. So, I am taking a step to share. I’ve shared on here before so why now is it any harder for me than he other times? I asked myself this over & over.

 I am filled with doubt . This is causing lots of questions in my mind. I know I was abused ( as I’ve shared before). The abuse no longer has a hold on me. I still have triggers & memories as I always will. The part that bothers me the most is doubt. I am finding myself doubting & questioning the abuse. I guess what I’m trying to say is the doubt comes from questioning like did it really happen the way I remember, or did it happen but not so drastically? I have something  like a self hatred  going on. Self esteem is lowered & self confidence is also lowered. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I have strange dreams & often wake several times throughout the night. I know my abuse happened. I almost feel as if it’s crazy to be even thinking this much less feeling this way. The old tapes play over & over in my mind. I catch myself saying things like that was stupid. I find that I’m also calling myself stupid. 

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  1. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again dzreid,

    I’m sorry to hear how these thoughts have been weighing on you. I have very similar experiences with my own assault with the self-doubt, so you are not alone. The way that you process your experiences is valid, even if it does feel like self-sabotage. I think that survivors are conditioned to have these doubts as a way of staying silent about their abuse. Expressing these concerns, to me, is an act of defying those ingrained thought patterns. You are so strong for sharing this with us. You know your truth, and we believe you. Try and catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself and modify that thought to something neutral or positive. Something small like this might be a helpful behavior to retrain your mind. Take some time out for necessary self-care as well! We’re here for you.

  2. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you’ve been feeling like this. I’m so glad that you came and shared with us, as that is often the most difficult step, especially when we’re feeling like this. It is so easy and common to minimize what we’ve been through and our struggles. However, your struggles are valid. There is nothing wrong with you or the way you’re processing these events. Keep moving forward the best way that you can.

    I’m so glad that you shared with us. I hope sharing helps in some way through the support you’ve received here. We are always here for you and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    I understand that dialogue – the one that says, “My thoughts aren’t important, so why should I share them?” It prevents us from sharing, even when we’re really struggling. However, that critical voice in our heads is wrong. Your thoughts are important and valid, and it’s okay to share what you’re going through. We’re here to support you, and we care about you.
    It is common for us to doubt what happened or minimize what we’ve been through. It can be terribly difficult to deal with, and I agree with what Breanna said (about doubt and pretending it didn’t happen). I believe you and your story. You’re not stupid, and there is nothing wrong with you. You’re doing your best to cope with the events in your life. I think it could help to talk about the doubt with your therapist and figure out how to quiet that voice.
    Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m glad you did, and we’re glad to support you. I know you can get through this.

  4. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey dzried,

    I’m glad you came and shared this with us, thank you. I actually relate very strongly to the doubt and unconscious habit of talking negatively about yourself. I have come to learn that the doubt is just a piece of us that wants to pretend it didn’t happen, and wants to put all of that away, in a similar way that denial is related to grief. So be kind to yourself when you’re feeling that doubt, and you are not stupid and there’s nothing wrong with you. You are trying to cope and heal. You can do this. Keep your head up.

    Sending you love and strength,

  5. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear dzreid,
    Thank you for trusting us with your concerns. Whatever is going on with you is important to our community because we care about you. As others have said, it is normal to have thoughts of doubt and to downplay the abuse. Especially if there was some verbal/emotional abuse that went along with it. What other people say to us, becomes the little voice in our head (also known as Ego). When we try to heal and change our thoughts and habits, Ego steps in and tries to protect us by keeping us in those familiar thoughts and patterns (our brains love familiarity and patterns). Taking the time to notice, Oh there’s Ego again telling me a story, and then let it go. Now, the more you start to notice it as a story/narrative, the more insistent and frequent they become for a while. It you just take the time to notice, let it go, and breathe through it, they will become less insistent and frequent. It does take time to change a pattern, so be patient with yourself.
    Sending you love and strength,

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m sorry that you have been feeling like this. Don’t doubt yourself though. If you think this is what happened then it did. You don’t have to hate yourself or make yourself feel less than you are. I’m sorry you feel like this though. Hopefully now that you have shared this you don’t feel like this is true. Have you tried to talk to a therapist about this or tried to talk to someone. That might help you not feel like this. Thank you for updating us and letting us know how you feel. We are always here for you.

  7. musicislove

    Hi dzreid,

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now and dealing with all of these doubts. Your thoughts and worries are understandable and normal for anyone that’s suffered from trauma, but even though it’s normal I know that doesn’t make it easy. I’m glad you’re sharing these thoughts here, writing down what’s in your head can be so therapeutic. Are you working with your therapist still? Talking with them could be really helpful so they can work with you to let these doubts go and focus on healing more. You are definitely not stupid, try to be gentle with yourself while your struggling, stress like this takes a huge toll. We’re always here whenever you want to share more.


  8. meg Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. I am happy you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings with us though. Doubt is unfortunately a major player in trauma. Are you seeing a therapist to help you sort through these thoughts? Doubt is so difficult to see through; it can make the truth feel foggy. Please take the time to remind yourself that you are doing everything you can to heal. Take the moment when you feel doubt to breathe deeply. Trauma takes everything away, try not to let it take away your self worth. Working alongside a therapist helped me immensely with that issue as well. Know that you are worth so much and that we all care for you and your wellbeing. Please continue to share with us! Your strength and resilience is inspiring.

  9. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    I am so sorry you have so much on your mind, try to remember these thoughts and feelings do not last forever. you are not stupid, you are strong and there is nothing wrong with you. Let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Be kind to yourself

  10. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I think what you’re feeling is common among people who have been what we have been through. You are not stupid. Thank you for coming to share, and I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. Are you currently seeing a therapist? That may help with all these feelings you’re having-I know therapy has really helped me. Let us know how else we can help.


  11. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Dzreid,

    I’m so sorry the abuse happened to you and we believe your account. Doubt and low self esteem is normal. We all have it and those the experience abuse often have to an even greater degree. I hope you understand how incredibly strong and intuitive you clearly are. I hope that when the doubt settles in, you are able to use these incredible gifts to rationalize it and use it to help you grow. Please continue to come to us and be an amazing part of our community. We are always here for you.


  12. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi there, Dzreid,

    Yeah, I think it is pretty normal to doubt it. I do. Sometimes it is related to whom I’ve been around lately. I mean, I find that I will doubt what happened more, if I spend time around certain people. I can only say that I think it is far more typical for victims to minimize what happened, rather than maximize it.

    Doubt is hard to manage, and I am sorry you are having these feelings. I think that sometimes we use these doubts to abuse ourselves. Maybe it is to protect people we care about. But I think that it can be our inner critic making us question whether we deserve to feel angry, sad, upset, unable to excel at something because we have been programmed to believe that we are less than what we are. And we spent a lot of time trying to forget it and undermine it, just to survive. It is understandable to have doubts and questions. Sometimes it helps me to think what purpose this serves.
    If we can figure out why our mind wants us to question the abuse, we may be able to quiet those doubts. I mean, if denying the abuse helped us to survive, and we can connect that, we can understand why we might be trying to deny it now, and we can accept that feeling, and lay it to rest. That is, we can accept that we it helped us in the past to deny or doubt our experience and perceptions, but now it is no longer helpful.

  13. Lizzi

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m so sorry that you’re having these thoughts of doubt and are feeling bad about yourself over it. Did things happen the way you remember? I guess there’s really no way to know for sure. But I’d be that the abuse was what you remember, and that maybe now it doesn’t seem so drastic as it doesn’t have a hold on you. It would make sense for it not to seem as bad in your memories now that it’s not so traumatic and fresh. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, and you’re not stupid. I hope that posting on here (which I’m glad you did) will help you work through this and relieve some of the doubt. I’d also encourage you to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, as I can tell you’re quite upset over it all. I hope things get better for you soon, and don’t hesitate to post again if you want. We’re here for you.