I have been struggling with a few things for sometime. I have been wanting to share on here for quite awhile but just didn’t think my thoughts or what’s going on really was that important. So, I am taking a step to share. I’ve shared on here before so why now is it any harder for me than he other times? I asked myself this over & over.
I am filled with doubt . This is causing lots of questions in my mind. I know I was abused ( as I’ve shared before). The abuse no longer has a hold on me. I still have triggers & memories as I always will. The part that bothers me the most is doubt. I am finding myself doubting & questioning the abuse. I guess what I’m trying to say is the doubt comes from questioning like did it really happen the way I remember, or did it happen but not so drastically? I have something like a self hatred going on. Self esteem is lowered & self confidence is also lowered. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I have strange dreams & often wake several times throughout the night. I know my abuse happened. I almost feel as if it’s crazy to be even thinking this much less feeling this way. The old tapes play over & over in my mind. I catch myself saying things like that was stupid. I find that I’m also calling myself stupid.