Doubt

Doubt

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I have been struggling with a few things for sometime. I have been wanting to share on here for quite awhile but just didn’t think my thoughts or what’s going on really was that important. So, I am taking a step to share. I’ve shared on here before so why now is it any harder for me than he other times? I asked myself this over & over.

 I am filled with doubt . This is causing lots of questions in my mind. I know I was abused ( as I’ve shared before). The abuse no longer has a hold on me. I still have triggers & memories as I always will. The part that bothers me the most is doubt. I am finding myself doubting & questioning the abuse. I guess what I’m trying to say is the doubt comes from questioning like did it really happen the way I remember, or did it happen but not so drastically? I have something  like a self hatred  going on. Self esteem is lowered & self confidence is also lowered. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I have strange dreams & often wake several times throughout the night. I know my abuse happened. I almost feel as if it’s crazy to be even thinking this much less feeling this way. The old tapes play over & over in my mind. I catch myself saying things like that was stupid. I find that I’m also calling myself stupid. 


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26 comments

  1. myazojo Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for being so brave and talking about your doubts. That is something that can be so hard to communicate, especially when it’s about something that really affected you at some point. You aren’t alone, a lot of people go through this thought process, it could be your brain’s way of trying to make sense of something. I believe you, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with lower self-esteem because this doesn’t make you are less of a person. I believe you, and I don’t think you are stupid. If you are worried about these thoughts you could always try talking to a therapist or however, you find yourself wanting help. We have a whole page of resources that are specific to your eare that might be able to help. Feel free to always come back and update again, and know we are here and we believe you.

  2. TruthHurts79

    Thank you so much for posting this honesty about your doubt. I have the exact same feelings – did it happen the way I remember it…did it even happen at all?? I’m truly glad to see that I’m not the only one who has these doubts. We have been through something traumatic, and the way we cope with it comes in so many different ways. I pray for peace for you.

  3. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. Your feelings are valid and understandable. I definitely think it’s common to have conflicting feelings and to not always understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes it’s hard for us to accept the things we’ve been through. You are strong and brave. We are all here for you! Please be patient with yourself, and trust yourself. You’re always welcome to talk to us and update us on your journey!

  4. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    Questioning may come into effect when the brain doesn’t really want to accept what has happened. (Even though you’ve already accepted this trauma.) The brain is a strange thing that wants to heal but doesn’t know-how. The idea of the dreams occurring more frequently and the tapes playing over may be due to something in the environment that triggers this to happen. It could be anything from the weather, time of year, or a scent. Keep on pushing through and this part will pass. It’s easier for someone to tell you to stop doubting yourself than to actually stop doubting yourself. Keep speaking positive words to yourself and you will start to believe it.
    Rustin

  5. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear dzreid,

    It is good to hear from you again, I am sorry to hear about the strange dreams. It sounds like they are kind of confusing for you, dreams can be like that sometimes. Have you ever thought about keeping a dream journal beside your bed and writing the dream down as soon as you wake? Perhaps later in the day after you write in the journal you could then re-read the dream you had and try to piece together what you are trying to tell yourself subconsciously. This is just an exercise though, so whatever could help you might? Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to talk about these dreams with, along with the memories and triggers you have regarding the abuse? I know that can be a lot, but it might be worth looking into. Tele-medicine is really popular right now and I know a lot of different podcasts or youtubers have promo codes for an app called Better Health. This app gives you the flexibility to chat with therapists or video chat with them. It might be worth checking out. In the meantime, I hope you get some good sleep here soon. I will be thinking of you. Sending hugs your way <3 We will always be here for you.

    – Jordan

  6. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. Anything that you are working through is important is definitely worth sharing. I’m sorry to hear that you are working through doubting yourself right now. It’s really hard with memories being so long ago, it’s natural to question your memory sometimes. Maybe certain details may be blurry but I feel like you know a big picture of what happened. The details shouldn’t matter as much as how the whole thing made you feel because, in the end, you are working through this internally. Everyone forgets little details and this is not at all your fault. Please know that you are deserving of love and support. You’re not stupid at all.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  7. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello dzreid,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. This is a very brave step. I understand that it can be a scary thing to put yourself out there like this. I hope you know that we are always here to listen to your stories. What is on your mind is always important. If you are willing to share you are ALWAYS welcome to do so! 🙂

    I understand that it may be hard for you to share again and that it feels harder. That is perfectly okay. Sometimes it might be harder, and sometimes it might be easier. Just because your emotions change with each post doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. Progress means some days will be harder but it doesn’t mean you took a step back. I don’t believe you can take steps back when you start sharing your story and looking for healing and I hope you can feel that way as well.

    We believe your story and you are validated. Doubt is a common theme and that can make things feel confusing. However, there is nothing wrong with you. The self hatred you mentioned sounds really tough and I understand your self esteem feels lower. I hope you know that we are here to support you and validate you. One of my favorite quotes is “perception is reality” which means that the way you feel is always real, even if you doubt yourself. I hope this can bring you some peace and know that the way you are feeling is completely justified.

    I hope you know that you are always welcome to come back and share more of your journey. Please remember to check out some of the resources on the site as well, many people find them informative. Thank you for dropping by and you are welcome back anytime!

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    I’m sorry that you’re experiencing these conflicting feelings. Please know that you can always share with us. We’re happy to listen and help where we can. You’re not stupid. Are you able to find a local counselor? You might check out our resources and see if you can find one. Sometimes counseling can really help sort out internal conflicts like this. Remember, your feelings are always valid and important. Feelings just are. They aren’t confined to the constraints of logic or rationality. We’re here for you! Please feel free to share with us anytime.

    All the best,
    Becca

  9. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there dzreid,

    First of all, you are absolutely not stupid. While brains can be fascinating they are also incredibly weird things. At any point, your brain can try to distort or even forget things in an effort to protect you. Our brains can also hold only so much stuff. Sometimes writing down thoughts and feelings are a good way to remember – if you want to remember. It’s okay that you once felt comfortable posting here and are now a bit reserved. We all ebb and flow based on what’s going on in our lives. Please know that your story is important though and we are here for you. You are not alone in this.

    Sending light,
    SFM

  10. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, there are many ways that we overcome abuse and troubled pasts, and perhaps your way is questioning. Since you know that you were abused, even if it doesn’t hold on to you anymore, that’s your story. Maybe trying to write down your thoughts could help you piece everything together. And your opinion of your abuse is your abuse, no one else can tell you how you should feel and how you should cope. I hope you find the answers you’re asking. Please keep your head up and stay strong

  11. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Dzreid,

    Healing is not a linear process – it’s totally normal to feel confident one day and questioning and engaging in self-hatred the next. You’re not alone in having waves of different feelings such as what you’re describing, and that certainly does not make you crazy. I think you need to trust your intuition that what you experienced did happen and did happen the way you remember. Self-doubt is deeply ingrained in us as survivors because society doubts survivors and minimizes our experiences. You know your truth and we believe you. Thank you for sharing and please continue to share your feelings with us as you want/are able.

    Katherine

  12. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend
    I am glad you made the decision to share what has been on your mind and keeping difficult thoughts to ourselves can begin to feel emotionally draining and you deserve to recieive support. So sorry you had gone through. You deserved to be loved!

  13. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello dzreid,

    I’m glad that you made the decision to share what has been on your mind; keeping difficult thoughts to ourselves can begin to feel emotionally draining and you deserve to receive support. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with you – I believe you’re a human being who’s trying to make sense of the abuse that occurred. It sounds like there are some details that are difficult to comprehend. Our brains tend to protect us by repressing memories, which can be frustrating. Repressed memories can certainly cause questions to arise. Dealing with low self-esteem is challenging and I hope you’re able to find ways to build your self-esteem. One suggestion that I have is to find a positive affirmation that resonates with you, such as “I deserve to be loved.”
    I encourage you to engage in self-care because your wellbeing is important.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

    Ashley

  14. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again dzreid,

    I’m sorry to hear how these thoughts have been weighing on you. I have very similar experiences with my own assault with the self-doubt, so you are not alone. The way that you process your experiences is valid, even if it does feel like self-sabotage. I think that survivors are conditioned to have these doubts as a way of staying silent about their abuse. Expressing these concerns, to me, is an act of defying those ingrained thought patterns. You are so strong for sharing this with us. You know your truth, and we believe you. Try and catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself and modify that thought to something neutral or positive. Something small like this might be a helpful behavior to retrain your mind. Take some time out for necessary self-care as well! We’re here for you.

  15. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you’ve been feeling like this. I’m so glad that you came and shared with us, as that is often the most difficult step, especially when we’re feeling like this. It is so easy and common to minimize what we’ve been through and our struggles. However, your struggles are valid. There is nothing wrong with you or the way you’re processing these events. Keep moving forward the best way that you can.

    I’m so glad that you shared with us. I hope sharing helps in some way through the support you’ve received here. We are always here for you and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  16. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    I understand that dialogue – the one that says, “My thoughts aren’t important, so why should I share them?” It prevents us from sharing, even when we’re really struggling. However, that critical voice in our heads is wrong. Your thoughts are important and valid, and it’s okay to share what you’re going through. We’re here to support you, and we care about you.
    It is common for us to doubt what happened or minimize what we’ve been through. It can be terribly difficult to deal with, and I agree with what Breanna said (about doubt and pretending it didn’t happen). I believe you and your story. You’re not stupid, and there is nothing wrong with you. You’re doing your best to cope with the events in your life. I think it could help to talk about the doubt with your therapist and figure out how to quiet that voice.
    Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m glad you did, and we’re glad to support you. I know you can get through this.

  17. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey dzried,

    I’m glad you came and shared this with us, thank you. I actually relate very strongly to the doubt and unconscious habit of talking negatively about yourself. I have come to learn that the doubt is just a piece of us that wants to pretend it didn’t happen, and wants to put all of that away, in a similar way that denial is related to grief. So be kind to yourself when you’re feeling that doubt, and you are not stupid and there’s nothing wrong with you. You are trying to cope and heal. You can do this. Keep your head up.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  18. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear dzreid,
    Thank you for trusting us with your concerns. Whatever is going on with you is important to our community because we care about you. As others have said, it is normal to have thoughts of doubt and to downplay the abuse. Especially if there was some verbal/emotional abuse that went along with it. What other people say to us, becomes the little voice in our head (also known as Ego). When we try to heal and change our thoughts and habits, Ego steps in and tries to protect us by keeping us in those familiar thoughts and patterns (our brains love familiarity and patterns). Taking the time to notice, Oh there’s Ego again telling me a story, and then let it go. Now, the more you start to notice it as a story/narrative, the more insistent and frequent they become for a while. It you just take the time to notice, let it go, and breathe through it, they will become less insistent and frequent. It does take time to change a pattern, so be patient with yourself.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  19. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m sorry that you have been feeling like this. Don’t doubt yourself though. If you think this is what happened then it did. You don’t have to hate yourself or make yourself feel less than you are. I’m sorry you feel like this though. Hopefully now that you have shared this you don’t feel like this is true. Have you tried to talk to a therapist about this or tried to talk to someone. That might help you not feel like this. Thank you for updating us and letting us know how you feel. We are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  20. musicislove

    Hi dzreid,

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now and dealing with all of these doubts. Your thoughts and worries are understandable and normal for anyone that’s suffered from trauma, but even though it’s normal I know that doesn’t make it easy. I’m glad you’re sharing these thoughts here, writing down what’s in your head can be so therapeutic. Are you working with your therapist still? Talking with them could be really helpful so they can work with you to let these doubts go and focus on healing more. You are definitely not stupid, try to be gentle with yourself while your struggling, stress like this takes a huge toll. We’re always here whenever you want to share more.

    Delaney

  21. meg Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. I am happy you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings with us though. Doubt is unfortunately a major player in trauma. Are you seeing a therapist to help you sort through these thoughts? Doubt is so difficult to see through; it can make the truth feel foggy. Please take the time to remind yourself that you are doing everything you can to heal. Take the moment when you feel doubt to breathe deeply. Trauma takes everything away, try not to let it take away your self worth. Working alongside a therapist helped me immensely with that issue as well. Know that you are worth so much and that we all care for you and your wellbeing. Please continue to share with us! Your strength and resilience is inspiring.
    —Meg

  22. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    I am so sorry you have so much on your mind, try to remember these thoughts and feelings do not last forever. you are not stupid, you are strong and there is nothing wrong with you. Let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Be kind to yourself

  23. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I think what you’re feeling is common among people who have been what we have been through. You are not stupid. Thank you for coming to share, and I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. Are you currently seeing a therapist? That may help with all these feelings you’re having-I know therapy has really helped me. Let us know how else we can help.

    Erin

  24. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Dzreid,

    I’m so sorry the abuse happened to you and we believe your account. Doubt and low self esteem is normal. We all have it and those the experience abuse often have to an even greater degree. I hope you understand how incredibly strong and intuitive you clearly are. I hope that when the doubt settles in, you are able to use these incredible gifts to rationalize it and use it to help you grow. Please continue to come to us and be an amazing part of our community. We are always here for you.

    Ryan

  25. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi there, Dzreid,

    Yeah, I think it is pretty normal to doubt it. I do. Sometimes it is related to whom I’ve been around lately. I mean, I find that I will doubt what happened more, if I spend time around certain people. I can only say that I think it is far more typical for victims to minimize what happened, rather than maximize it.

    Doubt is hard to manage, and I am sorry you are having these feelings. I think that sometimes we use these doubts to abuse ourselves. Maybe it is to protect people we care about. But I think that it can be our inner critic making us question whether we deserve to feel angry, sad, upset, unable to excel at something because we have been programmed to believe that we are less than what we are. And we spent a lot of time trying to forget it and undermine it, just to survive. It is understandable to have doubts and questions. Sometimes it helps me to think what purpose this serves.
    If we can figure out why our mind wants us to question the abuse, we may be able to quiet those doubts. I mean, if denying the abuse helped us to survive, and we can connect that, we can understand why we might be trying to deny it now, and we can accept that feeling, and lay it to rest. That is, we can accept that we it helped us in the past to deny or doubt our experience and perceptions, but now it is no longer helpful.

  26. Lizzi

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m so sorry that you’re having these thoughts of doubt and are feeling bad about yourself over it. Did things happen the way you remember? I guess there’s really no way to know for sure. But I’d be that the abuse was what you remember, and that maybe now it doesn’t seem so drastic as it doesn’t have a hold on you. It would make sense for it not to seem as bad in your memories now that it’s not so traumatic and fresh. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, and you’re not stupid. I hope that posting on here (which I’m glad you did) will help you work through this and relieve some of the doubt. I’d also encourage you to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, as I can tell you’re quite upset over it all. I hope things get better for you soon, and don’t hesitate to post again if you want. We’re here for you.