This isn’t an overall update – it’s just how I feel right now.

I was watching a movie with my family, and it was about this woman who was groped on a bus. After that, she wanted to find her assailant to beat him up. The people around her kept telling her to “let it go,” and that “these things just happen,” but she didn’t want to let it go. She wanted to prove a point – that his behavior wasn’t okay. At the end of the movie, another person (not the woman’s assailant) groped a different girl, and this woman beat him up. After beating him up, the girl slapped him. 

My parents seemed supportive of the point the woman was trying to make. Based on this and past history, It seems like they’re supportive of people who were assaulted, which is great. My mom understood that groping without consent is assault. 

However, I’m upset. I’m not sure how far their support goes. I don’t know how supportive they are about healing from assault.

When the woman was groped, it was very similar to how my assailant groped me. I was very uncomfortable, but I didn’t express my discomfort.

The other thing is, sometimes I wonder why that support doesn’t apply to me. It almost feels selfish to say that – to say “what about me?” – when they’re being supportive of other people. The last time I talked about my assailant, I said that I felt it was hypocritical of him to help the priest. My mom told me not to spend a second thinking about that. She said that we can’t control what he does (which contradicts a time when she said “we control how people perceive us”). She implied that i was being overly sensitive, which is similar to how they’ve responded in the past.

When my parents first found out about my assailant, they asked me how I could get married. At 15 years old, I took that to heart. I know now that I can get married if I choose to. I know that with effort, communication, respect, and love (on both sides), I can have a wonderful marriage if I choose to. I also know that my virginity – or how far I’ve gone with someone – doesn’t determine my worth or ability to get married, whether it’s consensual or nonconsensual. I know these things now, but it was incredibly painful when I didn’t know these things.

A while after that, they stopped fully blaming me for what happened. They said that him groping me wasn’t my fault, but they told me I shouldn’t have been in that room. I know now that none of this was my fault. I know that he manipulated me. He suggested the meeting in that room and tried to start a relationship in an attempt to get what he wanted. He knew i was naive.

My mom is more open when it comes to talking about sexual assault in general. I can see that they’re making progress.

Yet they still minimize what happened to me. They’re still making me see him  – due to coronavirus, we don’t have church services in person anymore (so it’s been a while since I’ve seen him in person). Once we go back – whenever that is – I’ll be seeing him more often again. It’s great that they’re empathizing with other people and their feelings. Yet when it comes to my sister and me, it’s not the same. It feels like they want me to pretend it never happened and get over it. It’s why I don’t bring it up anymore. 

I know I can be better for myself and the people around me, and I have an incredible support system. I think I understand where my parents are coming from. Yet in moments like these, it hurts a lot because they don’t seem to be doing the same for me. I felt angry at first, but now I feel disappointed. 


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40 comments

  1. smarti14 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Often parent’s do not want to accept certain things that have happened to us because they do not want to believe they couldn’t save us from the pain we’ve encountered. It’s much easier said than done, but try to not allow their views and perception of what happened to you think that your situation was not important. It very much was. You have the right to feel how you feel about both your situation and how your parents reacted. Stay strong and remember that you are tougher than the situation your parent’s put you in.

    Warm Regards,
    Suzy M.

  2. Dayana143 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,
    Unfortunately, parents tend to be harder on their own kids rather than some one else’s. It can be really devastating and hurtful so I hear you. That doesn’t mean that your abuse is any less important. Don’t let any of this bring you down please. You are so strong. I’m sorry that you still have to see him, and eventually will have to see him more. I wish you weren’t in that position, and I really hope things change for you. I hope that your parents are more supportive now. It seems like you have good parents, and I believe they will eventually be more sensitive with your situation. Please keep us updated.

  3. zelda Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing, music.

    How have things been with your parents since your post? Have you talked to them about how you were feeling during the movie?

    Every situation is different, but I do believe that direct communication works well in a lot of cases. I’ve been in a similar scenario with my own mother. I had just turned 18 and was sexually assaulted by my good friend and her boyfriend. It took me a while to tell my mom, but I finally did. Her response?

    “Well, you were drunk. And that’s what happens when you get drunk.”

    She walked away before I could even respond. In my mind, she didn’t rub salt in my wound; she sliced it open again with a hot, serrated knife.

    I never reached out to her again about that situation (or anything else, for that matter) until a few years later. It wasn’t until I went into my first treatment center that I brought the subject back up. I was angry, hurt, crushed. How could she put blame on me? How could she just walk away? Why didn’t she comfort me in the way I needed her to?

    But in her mind, she was trying to be there for me. While she agreed that it was a poor choice of words and a poor response, she was just trying to give me advice. She didn’t want me to get hurt again, so she thought if she gave her opinion, then it could potentially save me from being assaulted for a second time.

    You’re right. You are not to blame for your assault. You could’ve been in that room with him naked, and it still wouldn’t have been your fault. Maybe your parents believe that too, but they just don’t know how to properly convey that to you in the way you need to hear.

    If you feel comfortable, I would suggest talking to your mom. Ask her what she means when she makes certain comments. (Again, only if you feel comfortable doing so.) It’s much easier said than done, I know. But it may be just what the two of you need to find closure, healing, and a way to move forward.

  4. lizzi

    Hey music2799,
    I’m sorry that your parents still downplay what happened to you and don’t support you. I think in general it’s easier for people to see sexual assault in movies/TV and talk about that, compared to when it’s a real life situation that happened to someone they know. It’s not an excuse at all, and they definitely should be supporting you how they would someone in a movie. Maybe for them it’s too hard to accept what happened to you, but when it’s acting it’s easier. Or maybe not, just a thought I had. I’m sorry that they feel like you’re being oversensitive about it, because it’s fair for you to be sensitive about what happened. It is not selfish to ask “what about me” because you’re looking for that support and seeing them give it to other people but not you. Maybe it’s selfish by definition, but it’s selfish in a good way. You have the right to be selfish and want people in your life to support you and what you’ve been through. I’m glad that you know you can still get married if you want and that nothing that you’ve done or that has happened to you changes your worth. I’m also glad that you do have an excellent support system, and hopefully one day your parents can become part of that.

  5. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hello music2799,

    I understand how you must be feeling right now and I’m so sorry that you feel this way. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and don’t let the “you’re too sensitive” remarks from your parents get to you. You have every right to feel whatever you do and everyone should respect that. The fact that your parents’ opinions and remarks are negatively affecting you, and yet, you still understand where they’re coming from, shows a great deal of maturity from your side. And I’m also glad that you opened up to them about your experience and you are now aware of how they perceive your horrible experience. I can tell that after having multiple conversations with them, they stopped fully blaming you for what happened. It was small progress but it happened nonetheless and that’s amazing. In my opinion, I think if you continue having conversations about what aspects of their opinion negatively affect you, they will eventually come around. I can tell that their opinion matters a lot to you, considering they’re a part of your support system. You are not selfish for wanting your parents to consider the same for you, like they did for the woman in the movie. I strongly believe that having uncomfortable conversations leads to more comfortable relationships. That being said, I want you to do everything at your pace and don’t want you to feel pressurized to do anything. We’re here to support you through your healing journey and you can take as much time as you want! All the love.

  6. Shari Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I’m sorry your family is not supportive of you and your sister. You deserve a support system that validates your experience! It’s not fair, but sometimes family don’t know how to respond to trauma from their own kin. On the other hand, I’m glad they’re responding to other stories in a supportive manner. I hope this eventually leads to a supportive dialogue between your family. Your feelings are valid. I also hope you are able to distance yourself from your assailant as it would not be good to have that contact with him. I understand this is a difficult time for you. I want to remind you that you are strong and brave for sharing your experience. You are doing great. You are growing. As always, we are here to support you at all times! We are by your side!

    Stay strong,
    Shari

  7. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey music2799,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, they are completely valid. I am truly sorry that your parents aren’t more supportive, but I am glad that you have a good support system. I hope that your parents can give you the support you deserve someday. You are so strong!!
    Sending love and hope,
    Kelly

  8. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, music2799. I’m sorry your parents aren’t more supportive. I don’t think it’s at all selfish for you to ask “what about me?” They are your parents and they should be able to give you the support you need. It’s sounds like they aren’t capable though. People can agree with a narrative on TV or in a movie and still not know how to handle it in real life. Things aren’t spelled out as clearly in reality. I would be disappointed too. And angry. You don’t owe it to them to understand where they are coming from, they should be trying to understand you and what you went through. But I think that shows how emotionally smart and mature you are. I’m sorry your parents aren’t there for you in the ways you deserve. We all eventually out-mature our parents, some quicker than others. You’ve done a lot of hard work to grow and take care of yourself through this. Stay focused on that and keep it up. We’re always here if you need us.

  9. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi music
    Parents can be difficult especially when it comes to situations like these. I am sorry that you may not be feeling like you are not getting the kind of support that you need from them especially after your experience. That can be difficult and lonely. And I am sure it hurts when you see them showing others support but not you and that is completely validated. I hope one day you can be on the other side of that and your parents can give you that support. I am glad to hear you do have a strong support system otherwise. That is important.

    Kristin

  10. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Welcome back! It’s good to hear that your mom understands that groping without consent is assault. Though violence may not always be the answer, what that guy did was definitely wrong. I would like to think that with that base understanding they can come to understand that there is a healing process that comes with something like that. It’s honestly worth relating yourself to the movie. If they understood the movie they should be able to see the issue with not supporting you. Yes you are so right. None of this was your fault and I hope your parents can come to see that. It’s good they are making progress in the right direction. You deserve their support. I would be disappointed too if they weren’t willing to help you in your healing journey.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  11. haesol Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for coming here and share your feelings. I’m sorry that your parents don’t seem to support you and your sisters as you deserve. Even though it’s not right, it is difficult for some people to acknowledge their loved one got hurt–in this case, it might be hard for your mom to really own up the fact that you went through that awful experience. It’s a good thing that they’re making process! you truly do deserve to receive the best support and understanding.

    So far, you’ve been doing a great job, we’re so proud of you!! I hope you have really good days ahead.

    -sol

  12. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    I’m sorry that your parents seem supportive of everyone except you and your sister. You’re right. It’s not fair and can be exceptionally disappointing when we see people who have not offered to support us in the past rally around other victims. Perhaps it’s easier for your parents to support someone removed from them personally such as a woman in a movie or stranger on the street simply because they aren’t close to that person. Often times people shut down and prefer to deny what happened versus acknowledging that someone they love has been victimized. That doesn’t justify their actions, or invalidate your feelings at all. How you feel about the situation is very real and valid. It’s okay to be disappointed and angry. It is hurtful when the people who are supposed to protect us turn against us instead. Please feel free to write again, anytime you need to. We’re here for you, and we’d love to support you in anyway that we can.

    All the best,
    Becca

  13. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello music2799,

    Its great to have you back to share more with us! I’m glad your mother does agree that groping is assault and I hope that your experiences can be validated by her someday. I hope you know that we believe you are support you in the meantime. As you said, they are making progress which is good but I still understand how their responses in the past were hurtful.

    I’m so sorry to hear about how your family treated you after the incident. That must have made things very difficult, especially when they say those hurtful things to you. We are here to encourage you and your progress. You’ve done a lot of great work lately and we are all proud of you! I hope that they continue making progress so you don’t have to see him anymore. But if you do have to see him again, I know you’re strong and will be able to handle any of those difficult emotions that come up. You made a very powerful statement when you said “yet in moments like these, it hurts a lot because they don’t seem to be doing the same for me”. If something like that happened to me I would feel angry and disappointed as well. You have every right to feel this way and I hope that as time goes on you feel less hurt by their actions.

    I look forward to seeing you back soon for more updates!

  14. musicislove

    Hi music2799,

    Thanks for coming back to update us. It’s understandable that you’re hurt by your parents not supporting you like they seem to be for others in similar circumstances. I’m sorry they don’t show you that same support, it’s not fair. Hopefuly this is a step in the right direction for them though, and they’ll work on their views and e able to understand a little better. I’m glad that you’re getting a break from the stress of going to church, that’s a positive with everything going on. Sending you strength! Come back anytime, we’re always here for you!

    Delaney

  15. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I hope your family will be more caring and supportive of you and try to understand you more. I hope you stay positive and stay safe!

  16. colton95 Volunteer

    There were times where I wish that my family were more supportive, and feeling or knowing like they are not supportive enough even if they care for me does hurt. I hope that your family will be more caring and supportive of you and try to understand you more. I hope that you are staying safe and positive!

  17. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,
    I’m so sorry that your parents aren’t fully understanding your feelings. It is good that they are starting to understand. Watching movies like that will make them more understanding to how you feel about what happened to you.
    It is good that you haven’t seen your assailant since we are in quarantine. For now I wouldn’t worry about when you are going to see him. I would just make sure you stay safe and healthy. When quarantine is over then, I would worry about having to see him. If you worry about it now, it will make it harder for when you end up seeing him. Continue to stay strong. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  18. lexlh27 Volunteer

    Hey Music2799,
    Thanks for coming back to update us. I’m so sorry that your parents are minimizing your experiences. It is so incredibly hard when the people you are close with minimize your feelings. I am so sorry that you will have to see your assailant again. I hope that things will continue to get better for you. I am so glad that you know your worth and know that you can better yourself and others. It shows that you have immense strength. Keep fighting and stay strong. Come back anytime you need to talk, we are always here.

    Alexis

  19. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us. I’m sorry to hear that your parents continue to struggle with providing you with support after what happened to you. You deserve for them to really attempt to understand and hear you when you talk about what you’ve been through, and I’m sorry that you aren’t receiving that. It’s so difficult when the family closest to us are part of the problem with our healing. However, it is great that you’ve seen some improvement in the way they react to survivors stories in general. That gives me hope that things will get better over time. I’m sorry that you’re going to have to start seeing your assailant again. While church is still closed, try not to worry about that impending time too much. It will come, but you will make it through, just like every other time, with the support and love that you have in your life. If you need anything at all, you know that we are always here for you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  20. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Your feelings are so valid. I think that its hard for parents to accept that their children have experiences that they never wanted their kids to have to experience. It certainly takes time to work through that, but they also have to /want/ to do that difficult work. It’s also so hard to unpack that our parents sometimes don’t end up being the people we had wanted them to be. They’ve put you through some difficult situations, and it’s understandable that you would still feel disappointed by them. I think that it might be helpful for you to try to work through letting go of the people that you had expected your parents to be and to anticipate what they’re capable of giving (I’ve also been working on unpacking these feelings in my own therapy sessions). It super sucks to feel that they aren’t there for you. It sounds like they’re trying, and I think that all you can do is continue to have those hard conversations with them when you feel safe to do so. You are powerful and capable of so much positive change. Keep standing up for yourself. We’re here any time you want to air out your thoughts!

  21. larakopp Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
    I am sorry that your parents still minimize what happened to you, that has to be difficult and frustrating. From what you say, they’ve been making progress which is great, but the fact that it’s not in a place you’d like it to be and that they’ve hurt you before must be painful. I am sorry that you feel you can’t bring it up anymore and you have to keep all of your feelings on this to yourself.

    I’m hoping for your sake, that you’re able to stay away from him as long as you can. Your feelings are totally valid — I can understand why you’d feel angry and disappointed in your parents. I was wondering if the fact that your parents commented in support of the woman during the movie was their way of trying to show you support and that they love you…? Sometimes with situations and experiences like these, it can be hard for people to communicate their feelings or share how your experience has affected them or that a world that they thought was safe for you, they’d misjudged or couldn’t keep you safe. Regardless, that does not change the fact that their reaction causes you pain! Further, it is not selfish to say or think “What about me?” That is completely valid!! You are just as worthy of support as anyone else!

    I’m glad to hear that you have an incredible support system! I hope that they’re always available to listen and/or stay nearby whenever you have to see him again. Please keep us updated and continue to reach out as needed! Thanks for sharing your feelings!

  22. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. It’s definitely understandable to have conflicting and confusing feelings. I’m sorry that you’re not receiving the support that you deserve. I hope that you’re able to keep your distance from him and you don’t have to see him often. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything or just to update us!

  23. JWorks Volunteer

    Music2799,

    Firstly, thanks for sharing your story.
    I’m sorry your parents aren’t as supportive as we wish they’d be. You have a right to be uncomfortable and you have a right to be supported through your struggle. I hope you don’t have to see him as much as you worry you will. Stay close to your support system.

    -Jay

  24. SydSquid Volunteer

    Dear music2799,

    Thank you for telling us about how you are feeling and what thoughts are going through your mind. It is understandable to be disappointed sometimes. It’s unfortunate that your parents minimized what happened to you and want you to keep it a secreat from your sister. Telling her about what happened to you when she is old enough could keep her safer in the future. I’m sorry you feel like you can’t trust your parents but I wouldn’t compare their reactions to a movie to how they feel about their own daughter. I’m sorry you will have to start seeing him again just keep people you love and trust close when he is around for support. Stay strong.

  25. april-federico Volunteer

    Dear music2799,

    Thank you for sharing an honest story with us about how you’re feeling. I completely understand your disappointment. I think in your parents’ case, they only want what’s better for you, and I think they, themselves, are trying to process your emotions as well as what happened to you, too. I know it’s not easy to get inside a person’s head. I can’t remember if you tried communicating with them about how you felt and that church won’t be easy for you, which can also be difficult and I am sorry you feel stuck in this position. Everyone deals with trauma differently, and in terms of the movie? Don’t compare your reaction to another character’s, because once again everyone deals with it differently. I would try to stay away from movies like that in the future. However, it is key to talk about how your emotions affect you around this topic.
    Keep your head held high!

    April

  26. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear music2799,
    Thank you for trusting us with these thoughts. It is understandable that you feel disappointment! I imagine their reaction(s) to all of this are as hurtful (in a different way) as the actual event. Allow yourself to have these feelings; they are valid and deserve to be felt. Maybe one day you can address it with them when you are in a safe place. From reading your previous posts, it sounds like they would punish you if you tried to address it while living with them. Just because you are able to understand where they are coming from doesn’t mean you should feel what they tell you. You were hurt, he is to blame, and their response has been hurtful to you as well. I hope that you are able to find a space of your own so that you can heal.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  27. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for sharing this update. It makes sense to feel disappointed! It sounds like they understand that these behaviors are wrong, but don’t know how to be helpful in dealing with the aftermath. And that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. It is hard to see loved ones act supportive towards others in similar situations but not provide the same support to ourselves. I understand feeling hopeless to discuss it with your parents after so many attempts to talk. I do wonder what your mom’s response would have been to “what about me?” after watching the movie. That’s not selfish to think about. You deserve support just like others who have been assaulted. I hope that some time away from church is helpful and gives you a break to heal. We are here for you and thinking about you. Keep your chin up.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  28. Rustin Day Captain

    Hi music2799,

    It’s difficult when people aren’t able to see where you’re coming from and how you feel, but that doesn’t mean that your feelings are any less important. It’s horrible that you have to try and look past this and come in contact with this person after this happened. Keep in contact with your support system and reach out to us when you need. It can be discouraging when the people that you love and trust can’t understand the way you’re feeling.

  29. dzreid Volunteer

    Music2799,
    Hi there! Thanks for providing an update on how you’re doing! I’m sorry that your mom hasn’t been on your side & placed you in uncomfortable settings. Maybe this time away from church & not seeing your assailant in person can give a little break in your anxiety. As far as when churches can reopen & hold service in the building, take that slow & go day by day. I believe everyone handles trauma differently. I know that for some, it’s easier to cope with someone else’s trauma than when it’s hits close to home. I’m sorry that your family still isn’t there for you as you would like. You have every right to feel the way you do! You have come a long way. Don’t allow anyone to stand in your way from your healing! You deserve to be happy & not have to be constansly reminded of what happened. I’m glad you that you have a strong support system. Hold onto that when the tough times hit, know that your stronger than any of that! Continue using your supports, & continue working on you! I believe in you!
    Dawn

  30. meg Volunteer

    Hi!

    Thank you for updating us. I am happy to be hearing from you! It seems like you may have found a potential opening for more support from your family. It feels like that movie may have been a way for them to explore offering support through their commentary. Being able to watch a movie like that at all is a huge sign of your strength and growth. It’s huge that you are able to look at what you used to think or believe and how it’s changed. How you’ve grown. It helps you move forward, I think. I understand how difficult it must be to not feel the support the way you need from your parents.. it’s completely valid to be feeling hurt and wanting them to understand. It sometimes can take someone a lot longer to understand what has happened and how to be truly supportive. Know that we are always going to be here for you. Your team of support is bigger than you think. We love you and are invested in your journey.
    -Meg

  31. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing with us how you are feeling right now. Please know your thoughts and emotions are valid! It sounds like you are making great progress in your healing journey. I am sorry that your parents are not as supportive as you hope they would be. It does sound like they are making progress and allowing you to talk more openly about it. I do hope that they will begin to share the same empathy for you as they are showing for others. They may feel empathy for you just not be so good at showing it. But, it is very understandable that it hurts you a lot and that you feel disappointed about it. That is okay! I think it is great that you can identify how it makes you feel. You have made such great progress! Keep focusing on yourself and stay strong! We are here for you 🙂

    -Natalie

  32. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there music2799,

    I hear you. Watching things like that can illicit many different feelings. It can be weird and challenging to see how others react to those situations too. What happened to you was not your fault, and I’m glad your family finally saw that, to some degree. It can be incredibly frustrating to have what happened to you minimized. I hope you can continue to get the support you deserve, especially when you start to go back to church and see him again. We’re always here for you; you’re not alone in this. Keep on fighting.

    Sending light,
    SFM

  33. Lex Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for coming back to share with us! I am so sorry that you feel as though your parents don’t support you as much as they support other survivors. Many times those closest to us have the hardest time accepting certain things. Parents do not want to believe that something awful could ever happen to their child, so this could why you feel as though they are minimizing what happed to you. It sounds like they are still in denial of what happened to you and do not want to fully accept it. This is not fair to you though, you deserve to be able to talk about it, but it sounds like they are slowly becoming more accepting, so hopefully, in due time you will feel their full support. I am so sorry that going to church, a place that should bring one peace and comfort has become an uncomfortable place for you. Stay strong!

    – Lex

  34. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for your expressing your feelings here. It can be difficult to understand why people think or process things differently from us, especially when it’s someone close to us who we expect to support us no matter what. It sounds like your parents are trying to reason through everything that you have shared with them or maybe they don’t want to think too much about the details because it’s hard for them to accept. Whatever their reason, I am glad to hear that you do feel they support you, but they definitely could be doing more for you. You are never selfish to expect compassion from those you care about. I hope that by continually talking to them they will better understand and accept your story. I’m also sorry to hear that you still occasionally see the man who caused all of this pain for you in the first place. Going to church is somewhere where you should feel safe and peace, not worry or fear. I do hope that by talking to your parents they can help to remove you from this situation. Please take care of yourself and continue to reach out here if you need additional support.

  35. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    You have come a long way in the past few months. I think not seeing that guy regularly is really helping you. I like that you are putting so much thought into the relationship with your parents. They’re your parents and you love them and you want to understand them. But it is also ok to believe that they are not being helpful or minimizing what happened to you, or even that they are not good for you in this area of your life.

    Families are tough because we do care about them, and we also want for them to love us and approve of us. We want them to accept us and not just try to change us into who they want for us to be. I think it is a lot easier for your mom/parents to empathize with an unknown person on TV. They can say, “that’s terrible” and “she should get help” or even “her life is ruined.” But when it comes to you or your sister, they either do not want to face it, are feeling guilty or fearful of what will happen in therapy, or they really want for you to get better, and they think that dwelling on this stuff and not trying to just forget it and shove it under the rug, will make it worse for you. They are afraid it will take much longer, that you will spend too much money, and at the end of the day, you can’t make it go away anyway, so they think it is all for naught.

    Why they want you to continuously see that guy is a mystery. It sounds like they love their church home and don’t want to lose that. But it also sounds like they are way in denial. I am glad that they are not saying it is your fault anymore. But if they still are blaming you for being in the room with him, then it sounds like they aren’t really there yet. Maybe they are trying to help you protect yourself, by making it somehow within your control. I do agree with your mother that you (and she) cannot control him. We really can only control our own selves. But I wish she could be more supportive to you. Maybe her way of being supportive is talking about the stuff in general.

    I think it is sad that your parents don’t know you as well as they could because they are denying what you have been through and not protecting you and putting your well-being ahead of what this guy and other people at your church might think. It sounds like they are moving along a path concerning this stuff, but it’s slow going for them. I understand how hard it is to be disappointed with your folks. I’m sorry. But, I am glad that you are disappointed in them, and seeing them clearly, and not putting this on yourself.

    I think you are doing great, and facing some really hard stuff. I think in the end, you will be able to have a much better relationship with your parents because of it. And I think you have a brighter future because you are willing to see what actually is, rather than what things should be or what you wish they were.

  36. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s tough when your family who you want to support you, don’t or react in a way that you didn’t expect. With your mother’s response, you’re not being selfish in this context. It’s frustrating that someone would give support to someone who went through something similar but to not to you. Perhaps, her reaction is more of her having to process what actually happened to you. She may be in denial – like you said, they are making progress in talking more about it. They obviously wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you, so it could be hard for them to conceptualize the reality that they don’t want to believe. Your patience in this process is evident. You are trying and you are willing to do what you can. I understand the frustration and hurt that can come from this experience. Perhaps, having that conversation with them could shed some light on how that makes you feel. It could be a learning moment for your mom too. She may not be aware of how her responses/actions are affecting you.
    Stay strong <3

  37. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there music2799,

    It is always good to hear from you <3 I'm sorry that this happened to you. In my experience, it seems that the people that are closest to us are sometimes the ones that can have the hardest time grasping a traumatic event happening to someone they care deeply about. To some extent, maybe your parents are still in denial about the things that happened to you. It's good that they seem to be slowly coming around more and more, and more to terms with what happened- but it does still seem like they tend to victim blame you for the situation happening in the first place. Like if you weren't there, then that would have never happened. When in reality, it still could have happened regardless. On a brighter note, it's great that you haven't had to see him lately. I bet that has taken a lot of the anxiety off of your mind <3 In the meantime, practice your self care and I know it is easier said than done- but try not to worry so much about your parents. I know you love and care about them, but there are some things that we just can't change about our parents. Focus on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being and try to put what is best for you, first <3 sending lots of love and hugs your way!

    – Jordan

  38. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share. I’m sorry you’re still not feeling as fully supported as you should. It’s especially hard right now given the pandemic. You deserve better, even if you think your parents are improving. I hope it helps to share here, and you can keep coming back anytime. We are here for you and we support you.

    Erin

  39. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for updating us! I’m sorry you feel like your parents don’t support you as much as they support other survivors. It kind of sounds like they’re in denial of what happened to you – they don’t want to accept that something so awful could happen to one of their children. Though that’s not fair to you, I can understand where they are coming from. It’s kind of like when people say, “That would never happen to me!” I really hope they are able to come to terms with it for your sake and to help you heal from what happened.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you! Stay strong 🙂
    Marissa

  40. Ashley Day Captain

    music2799,

    I agree that it’s great how your parents support people who have been assaulted, but I can tell that it’s upsetting to reflect on the idea that their support only goes so far. Healing from an assault can be emotionally and physically draining; it’s not a simple process and I’m thinking you wish your parents would consider that. In regards to your parents not being supportive towards you, I believe it’s easier for them to put what happened to you in the back of their minds instead of acknowledging what happened and how the healing process has been for you.
    Since you experienced something similar to the woman in the movie, it’s understandable that you felt uncomfortable. I’m thankful that you have been able to reach a point where you can recognize that you are not to blame for the actions of your assailant. Instead of minimizing what happened to you, I wish that your parents were more sensitive about your experience. Since it seems like they are supportive of people who have been assaulted, I hope they will eventually take the time to learn more about sexual violence and what the aftermath looks like for people who have been affected by it.

    Thank you for letting us know what happened and how you are feeling right now. We’re here for you.

    Ashley