Could I have prevented this?

Could I have prevented this?

521 17

I had my therapy session on Wednesday, and I didn’t expect it to get this dark and deep during the session.
For those who aren’t aware, I was in a relationship with the guy I lost my virginity to, and we were sexually active prior to the rape.
I did consent at first, but this time it was extremely painful and I told him numerous times it was hurting and told him to stop, but he never did until he “finished.”
Fast forward to now, dealing with flashbacks, PTSD, therapy, and possibly disabilty.
The recent session had me thinking maybe it was my fault (which I know she did not intend for it to come out that way), but she wondered why I never said anything about it to him afterwards. Would it have mattered if I did? I did say “No” and “Please stop” throughout the “act”, but, now I’m doubting myself all over again…


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17 comments

  1. Hannah

    Hey there,
    Absolutely nothing is your fault. Don’t doubt yourself or discredit your feelings. You don’t have to say anything to him afterwards. If you said no, at any time, it was clear that there wasn’t consent. Your feelings are valid. You don’t have to prove anything.
    Have you considered sharing how those comments made you feel? Being transparent with how her words made you feel will help you move forward in therapy. I’m sure she didn’t mean harm.
    You’re working towards healing and it shows how strong and resilient you are. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. Keep going and keep us updated.

  2. blashea Volunteer

    It was in no way your fault. Please never forget that. You cannot blame yourself for someone else’s actions. It does not matter the circumstances..it was not your fault. There is nothing you could’ve done differently. Also, everyone responds to these situations in different ways. You handled it the way you knew best, and you are still here, fighting and sometimes thats all you can do. I truly hope (if you decide to continue) that your next session goes better. I am so proud of you for even attempting to find that help. Please don’t hesitate to keep us updated on your journey.

  3. MinZRivers Volunteer

    Jamie, I’m so sorry you ran into a therapist who seems to be very inexperienced. What happened to you wasn’t your fault! You said no, so things should have stopped there. No means no! You are not responsible for the bad thing he decided to do! Please don’t doubt yourself. I’m sending you positive energy, many good thoughts, and lots of love!?-Kia

  4. Jacqui

    Jamie Marie,
    what happened to you wasn’t your fault. I understand that questioning and such, but you are not to blame at all. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. But please know it wasn’t your fault. Keep reminding yourself of that.

  5. learningcommunityladies Day Captain

    Jamie Marie,
    Nothing is ever your fault, you should never think that. That is not okay that your therapist made you feel that way. If you feel comfortable, it might be helpful to tell her how her words made you feel. Sometimes it take people awhile to talk about it after an incident. We are glad you are in therapy and getting help. Is everything okay now? You are strong and you will get through this!!! We are all here for you and will continue to be here for you through your journey.

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi JamieMarie25,
    This wasn’t your fault. You told him that you didn’t want to keep going. Even if you have had sex with this person before, it does not mean that the person should stop asking for consent. Communication is especially important in relationships. You are also allowed to change your mind. If you don’t like something, you can communicate with the other person. He ignored the fact that you changed your mind and crossed your boundaries anyway. That is entirely his fault. I’m sorry your therapist made you doubt yourself.
    Thank you for updating us. We’ll always be here for you.

  7. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I promise you, that this is by no means your fault. You aren’t to blame for this by any means. I know when looking back on these situations it can be a steady spiral into questions of what we could’ve done differently and perhaps if we had done x,y or z things might be different. I know after what happened to me I couldn’t help but think of the ways that I was to blame. But I assure you, there is nothing you have done to deserve this and you don’t have to doubt yourself, you are allowed to change your mind, consent is one of those very fluid things that has to be given throughout the act not just at the beginning. Expression your desire to stop should always be enough.

    I cannot begin to tell you how helpful and strong you have been sharing your story with us. I know a lot of people that have felt similarly and I think sharing your story will certainly make them feel less alone. Please keep us updated with how you’re doing, you are so strong and you should be incredibly proud of yourself, we are!

  8. Ashley Day Captain

    Jamie,

    None of this is your fault. Although you had sexual intercourse with this person before and you provided consent, consent is supposed to be an ongoing process. Since you let him know you were in pain and you said “stop,” the consent was withdrawn. It sounds like you know your therapist didn’t intend to make you feel like you’re to blame for what happened, but I’m hearing you say this is affecting you. What would it be like to tell her about the feelings and thoughts that emerged after the session?

    I’m sending love your way.

  9. Kristen Eby

    JamieMarie25, what happened was not your fault. I’m sure your therapist didn’t MEAN to come off that way, but obviously questioning why you stayed quiet after has made you feel like you did something wrong. You didn’t. I never said a word to the man who sexually assaulted me about what he did. We stayed in contact for several months, and I did not bring it up once. That does not erase what they did. It was not negate our experiences. Perhaps your therapist was trying to help you discover your own feelings about the rape? Not question the validity of your experience, but if you may have needed closure? I’m not sure, because I’m not a therapist myself. However, if she usually helps you, I would suggest telling her how her questions made you feel. That way the two of you can move forward together without her making you feel bad next time.

    Thank you for giving us an update; I’m really proud of you for sticking with therapy.

    Kristen

  10. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there JamieMarie25,

    First off, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t your fault. Your therapist is at fault for not being sensitive and using more appropriate wording. You told him to stop, and you should not doubt yourself. Please know that all of us here at AVFTI are here for you, and we support you.

    Carmen

  11. karlamadera123

    I’m so sorry your therapist worded things that way. The best thing to do is to let her know that he words were hurtful and are making you doubt yourself. Please don’t blame yourself darling. You were saying no and that’s all that matters. The thing is there will always be “something you could’ve done” but sex is a something that must be from both ends. The moment he felt you were detached or that you were more obvious by saying no, he should’ve stopped immediately. Are you safe noe? We are all here for you ?

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear JamieMarie25,
    It doesn’t matter how many times the two of you had sex before, when you say “no” or “stop” you are withdrawing your consent. If he didn’t stop, that was rape. It was not your fault. You didn’t have to say anything to him afterwards and you don’t have to say anything to anyone else about it now. Do not doubt yourself!! Hopefully, as you said, she did not intend for it to sound the way it did. If she is trying to say you were at fault, you may want to look for a different therapist.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  13. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi JamieMarie25,

    It’s horrible that your therapist made you doubt yourself. None of what happened was your fault. You made it clear to him that you wanted to stop, but he didn’t listen. The fact that you told him that it was hurting and he didn’t stop is so terrible. Please know that it truly wasn’t your fault–this is all him. Take care.

    Edjay

  14. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi JamieMarie25,
    You said no and stop. He should have listened to you right away. That is not okay that he ignored you. If you want to talk to him about it, it is not to late, but if you don’t want to you don’t have to. Don’t doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong.
    It’s good to hear back from you.
    -Alyssa

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am sorry your therapist made you doubt yourself. If you can in your next session, I would maybe try to let her know that her words caused this negative reaction from you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t matter what you could or could have not done. The only responsibility for preventing what happened to you is on your ex who did this to you. He is the one who decided to assault you, to take what he wanted from you regardless of what you wanted. That is not okay, and the sole blame and fault is on him. Is there anything else we can do to help you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  16. rkr18 Volunteer

    JamieMarie25

    Thanks for sharing and trusting us with your story. What he did to your was not your fault. I can understand that you felt that way about what your therapist said. Do you feel comfortable asking her what she meant when she asked you that question and why she asked it? I know from experience, its not easy to confront your rapist, so be gentle and non judgemental with yourself as your healing. Please know we are here for you if you need us.
    -Marie V

  17. sickpiecexo

    JamieMarie25, you should never doubt yourself, your feelings are valid. i believe you. you told him no and to stop and he didnt listen. none of this was your fault. you are not alone. we are always here to support you <3