Consent: The Girl in the pool and why is it …….. because I’m a man it’s looked at different?

Consent: The Girl in the pool and why is it …….. because I’m a man it’s looked at different?

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Hello Everyone,

I’m a 51 year old male. I have 4 kids 3 grandkids. Two of my kids live with me one is an adult and my other is 16. And I was sexually abused as a child. My family my mother and brothers were homeless at this time. We were staying at my brothers friends apartment his father was out of the country and he rented out his room to this guy, this guy one night he asked me if I wanted to go swimming with his girlfriend so I did they were going to the pool and also they were having a drink and than his girlfriend came into the pool while I was swimming she came up to me and started to touch me through my shorts I felt unconformable her boyfriend was right there, I swam away and she got out of the pool. I was over 12 but under 16 and she was 20/21 years old at that time My mother worked every day until my mother was in a freak accident with after saving enough money to rent a home for us, after she signed the lease and all she had to do was pay the landlord and get the keys, we were driving over to meet with the landlord after months of being homeless, my mother was in the front seat passenger, while turning right the passenger car door opened my mother fell out and was seriously hurt, she was admitted to the hospital, since I was the youngest I was able to hide under her hospital bed until I was caught one night and kicked out at 3:00am no where to go we didn’t have cell phones back than, and I didn’t have any money to call anyone I walked to a friends house knocked on her window no answer, so I slept in her car. The next few days I climbed into her room and slept in her room, well it didn’t work to long her Mom got suspicious with the amount of food she was bring into her room and I was caught. I did sleep in her car a few more nights but it was starting to get chilly at night, so I walked over to were my oldest brother was and when I got there about 2am he wasn’t there so I climbed into his friends room and slept I was scared to death, so I slept in his closet. The next morning they came back there my brother told me they had a hotel room at the beach I went with them, when we got to the hotel room no one else was there they said they had some girls there with them they must be down on the beach so I took a much needed shower, when I came out everyone was there and to my surprise the girl from the pool was there, it made me feel uncomfortable? It’s hard to explain. She asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with her? I did and she was drinking and offered me a drink so I drank some, it was nasty. We ended back up in the hotel room nobody was there she made 2 drinks gave me one and I drank it, it made me feel all warm and good, than I remember the girl in the pool was asking me to come to the bed, I did and I remember waking up naked with her in bed. And everyone joking about me and her, so that day me and her were together all day and again and I remember having sex with her and I remember her girlfriend telling her he’s kinda young isn’t he? She said no ,isn’t he cute her friend said yeah but he’s jail bait and I think I said no I’m not I’m 1* years old. From that time she moved with me and than she said she was pregnant and we went to some clinic and she was about 6 weeks pregnant, which I knew I was the father. I was scared. I was a big shot having sex with an adult and getting her pregnant. Well time went by until we had our baby and I even lied to the hospital staff saying I’m 18, until I had to put my brith date on the brith certificate, and thats when they had me do a blood test to confirm I was the father and they did confirm it. So the hospital staff knew my correct age the doctor even said good job? I was praised by law enforcement giving high fives saying ,”You hit that”, I never heard nothing but good, for you boy!!!! So I thought what I did was good and normal behavior, then one day when my baby was almost 6 months old she was already pregnant again around 4 months, my second baby was born only a month before the first baby the following year, but again when my first was 6 months old I woke up to her and the baby gone, I looked into the fridge and there was milk, I checked the baby cloths still there but hers were gone. So she was working I was to young to work thats where I found them, I ended up getting arrested for dis-orderly conduct, DCF Child Protective Services came to the jail and I was released to them, from there we drove to the social workers home were she called my girlfriend and spoke to her explaining she couldn’t leave the state and there would be some kinda court date? This was close to a holiday and I got a hand delivered a card and picture of my baby. My life stopped that day when I got home from the social workers house I liteary went into my mothers room and fell into the bed in shock and dispair, totally emotionally exhausted. I felt horrible thinking what I did wrong? What did I do? Well I didn’t become a Brian Surgeon,lol. I have never felt right I met my wife about 15 years later and we had 2 kids together and me and her split up, she was having problems and she passed away after 10 years of marriage, again I felt what did I do wrong?

We, me and my kids are my whole life and I finally started doing good had my own business and one day I was feeling bad about losing my companion dog passed away unexpectedly and it broke my heart.But one night me and 1 of my kids did a people search and found my oldest son after 30 plus years and I was told I had another kid a year younger from my first kid mother was the girl in the pool. And all those feelings have come back 1000 fold. And I haven’t been the same and need help dealing with all this. And what to do about the girl in the pool. I’m sorry about my grammar it’s hard to write all this to explain my feelings, I’m asking for help, I asked 30 plus years for help but none came.


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22 comments

  1. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hey, friend,

    Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that all of these things happened to you. That all sounds like a lot to feel and process! From being homeless, having your mom get seriously hurt and end up in the hospital, trying to stay alive and finding a place to live, and all that on top of your sexual abuse as a teenager, you’re absolutely right to feel overwhelmed and unsure about how to work through the things that are coming up for you. One thing I want to stress is that you did nothing wrong: when your wife passed away (I’m so sorry), when you were sexually abused by the woman in the pool, when you were ignored by the legal and medical people you interacted with – you didn’t do anything wrong.

    I’m so sorry that the people in your life all those years ago didn’t recognize that the reason why you were the father of your first two children was because you’d been sexually abused and taken advantage of. You ask a really good question in your title, asking why we look at male sexual assault survivors as not being victims of abuse but as achieving some kind of feat and doing a great job. I really wish I had the answer to that, but even more so, I wish you were believed all those years ago, and I’m sorry you weren’t. I don’t know how you’re feeling about finding your oldest son – I don’t know if you’re happy to reconnect, terrified at all the bad memories and emotions, or a mix of both or none of these things – but it makes a lot of sense that you’re struggling to deal with everything that’s coming up. One thing that a lot of people have found to be helpful when they’re feeling a lot of big emotions that they don’t know how to handle is reaching out to a therapist or a counselor to talk to them about things. They’re professionally trained to help people sort out emotions, figure out why they respond certain ways, and to help talk through different options or choices they have about things. Sometimes talk therapy isn’t for everyone, but I know for a lot of folks it’s helped them sort out the messiness of their tangled feelings and make sense of them, oftentimes for the first time in their lives. I don’t know if therapy is something that you’d be willing to try, but that might be one way that you could find some additional support for the things you’re feeling.

    Please feel free to write us back if you ever need any more support, or if you just want to vent about things that you’re feeling. We’re always here for you!

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  2. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this , and especially going through this alone and not having support. Have you ever thought about maybe talking to a therapist for help. If not we want to help in anyway we possibly can. Please know that we are here for you and care. Thank you for sharing your story with us it does mean a lot to us.

    -Brianna

  3. Megan Volunteer

    Hey CONSENT,

    I’m sorry that this happened to you. I can imagine it must be pretty hard going through all of this, especially not having anyone to support you.It makes sense that finding your son again after so long would bring back all of these feelings. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? I think seeing one might help you work through all of these feelings and give you the help that you are looking for. If you need help finding someone, we have a ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page that might be good to check out. I’m sorry that nobody has helped you before, but know that we are always here to support you and listen to you now.

    Thank you for sharing your story,
    Megan

  4. Harton.13 Volunteer

    Hi CONSENT,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You deserved to be treated with compassion and earnest, and it wasn’t right for people, especially law enforcement, to not take you seriously after your experience. It’s not too late to get help, and sharing your story with us was a great first step. Have you tried working with a counselor? Talking through these complex experiences, emotions, and thoughts may help you get some clarity and resolve. We are always here for you, too!

  5. Lizzi

    Hi CONSENT,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. That wasn’t right for her to touch you like that, and later to get you drunk and have sex with you. Law enforcement shouldn’t have been high fiving and praising you for that. You’re right, if the genders were switched it would’ve been handled a lot differently. It sounds like you’ve gone through so much in your life, and I’m sorry that things have had to be so difficult. Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting us. Have you tried talking to a counselor about any of your past? With recently finding your son, I can imagine that a lot of the emotions have come back, if they had ever really gone away. I think it would be helpful to have someone talk through this with you and help you figure out how to deal with it all.

  6. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happeend to you. What she did was not right. The doctor should have made you safe and feel safe. Thank you for sharing your story it was very brave. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Continue to stay strong and if you need anything please let us know. We care for you.

  7. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi CONSENT,
    I’m so sorry all of this happened. What that girl did to you was not okay. Doctors should not have been praising you, they should have tried to make you safe. Thank you for sharing your story. It was very brave of you. You didn’t deserve everything that happened. I’m happy that you’re able to find your kids after all those years. It definitely felt like a huge relief to see them.
    Have you thought about ever talking about this to a therapist? If you talk to a professional they might be able to help you recover from all of this at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you on’t want to you don’t have to. Thank you again for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong. If you need anything else we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  8. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi CONSENT,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. What that girl did to you was not okay and you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were young and doing your best to be a loving father and boyfriend. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Once again, you didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing you could do about that, so please don’t be so hard on yourself. Have you considered speaking to a professional? Maybe they could help you unpack everything you’re feeling. Please only do so if you’re comfortable, though. I would hate for you to be pushed out of your comfort zone after so many years. Take things one small step at a time and you will get through this. Please be gentle with yourself! Self care is so important, especially when you’ve experienced so much trauma.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We are here to help! Stay strong. You can pull through this.
    Marissa

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi CONSENT,
    I’m so sorry about what happened to you as a child, and I’m sorry the people around you didn’t see the situation for what it was. You deserved better, and the people around you should have realized that she was taking advantage of you. You were too young to consent, and what happened was not your fault. She was the adult in the situation, and she should have been better. Assault should be taken seriously no matter who it happens to, and you deserve to be helped and supported.
    It’s understandable that finding out about your children is bringing everything back, and how you’re feeling about everything is valid. I think it could help to talk to someone about what you’re going through, whether it’s a therapist, friend, etc. It could help you process how you’re feeling. Of course, you can take this at your own pace. There’s no pressure. In my case, I write about how I feel because it helps me put my thoughts in order. Maybe this could help you too.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’re here to help and support you, so please write back whenever you feel like it. It must feel so difficult right now, but I’m confident that you can get through this. You’re strong and resilient.

  10. Jevati Volunteer

    Hi CONSENT,

    I can’t tell you how glad I am that you trust us to share what has been happening in your life and how you’re feeling. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are completely right that it shouldn’t be different when abuse and sexual assault and rape happen to a guy.

    Nothing that people did to you is your fault. You are innocent. It is the girl from the pool’s fault that she did that to you, when you were not an adult and did not consent. She never should’ve touched you sexually, no matter what her gender or your gender. It is also very wrong that all of the people in positions of authority (like the hospital staff, the social workers, the police officers, etc.) did not understand and validate that it was wrong of her to do that to you. It is like the whole world was backwards and treated you badly.

    I know I said this before, but I feel like it needs saying again: You are innocent. It is not your fault. And, with your wife of 10 years, I am so sorry that she passed away and you lost her. That is not your fault, either.

    When people are abused, it can feel to us like something about us is just bad inside… especially when other people act like nothing was wrong. It can be hard to go through life feeling like there is something rotten inside of us. But it is not true. There is nothing rotten inside of you. You didn’t do anything wrong and you didn’t deserve the bad things that happened in your life, including losing your dog, too. Pets can be so wonderful because they love us no matter what, and it is so hard to have to say goodbye to them.

    We are here to help. We will listen as much as you need. Plus, we have amazing resources with the Find Help tab at the top of the page. Your kids love you, and I’m really glad they’re an important part of your life. They’re here for you, and we’re here for you. You never have to be alone again. It’s tough to have all of this come crashing back in after all these years, but we are right by your side, and in your corner, and you can get through it together with us.

    – Jev

  11. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there consent,

    I’m really glad you found us and trusted us with your story. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and I’m so sorry that you’ve had so much struggle in finding help. I understand how hard it is to tell your story and how scary it is to wonder if your experiences will be validated. We believe you and are here to support you and help you find resources to process and heal from your experiences.

    It’s understanding that finding your oldest children may have triggered these negative feelings and memories. Trauma is processed differently for everyone, and this new information on your children might have been enough for your brain to release those thoughts. Your experiences are valid. It may help to seek out a therapist, if that’s a feasible option for you right now. A trauma-informed therapist should know how to help you work through the feelings you’re experiencing right now. There’s so many different methods of therapy to help with this kind of trauma, and it’s never too late to start. You deserve to be well. Check out our “Find Help” link at the top of our page–you might find something that resonates with you there.

    You’re always welcome to come back here and share updates and other thoughts that you have throughout this healing process. We’re here for you and will help in any way that we can. Be kind to yourself while you start this healing journey. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear CONSENT,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I hope that being able to tell it here is the beginning of your healing process. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that no one helped you when you were looking for help. That “girl” was significantly older than you and what she did was wrong. The doctors and law enforcement who interacted with you were in the wrong for they way they responded and for not helping you. You deserved to be a kid…I am so sorry that you didn’t get to. You are very strong and resilient.
    Our Find Help tab has a variety of resources that you may find helpful to your healing. Therapy or counseling is ideal, but not always possible, so there are books, articles, websites, and hotlines included. Please feel free to write to us as often as you would like and let us know if we are able to help you in some way. You are not alone, our community is with you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  13. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi CONSENT,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so incredibly sorry for what you went through. I cannot imagine the weight you must feel carrying this around for so long. I am sorry that no one took you seriously with the girl in the pool. I am appalled and baffled by the manner in which the doctors and police handled the matter when they learned you were underage. You deserved better than that. One of those adults should have acted like an adult and did something to help you. I can only imagine how conflicted you are feeling right now after all of this time. I hope you are kind to yourself while you are processing all of this. Keep your chin up and stay strong. You can always come back to share, we will be here for you.

    Sending you love and support during this tough time,
    Bre

  14. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi consent,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you had to go through this. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m glad you were able find our website to share your story. It can be really difficult to process through all of these emotions. Have you tried talking to a therapist? It can be incredibly helpful to have a professional help to unpack all of those different thoughts and feelings. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  15. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We know that it can be very difficult and I think you are very brave! I’m so glad you found our organization! I am sorry for all you have been through. I can not imagine what all of that must have been like. I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. You are not in any way at fault! It is so awful that men do not receive the same reaction regarding sexual abuse as women do. That needs to change. What happened to you was not okay, but it was NOT your fault! Your feelings are completely valid. We believe you and we want to support you in any way we can! If you need to talk to a trained volunteer anytime text VOICE to 741-741 for our Crisis Textline for immediate help. I would also encourage you to check out our FIND HELP tab at the top of this website. There are a lot of great resources in every state and some other great information for survivors.

    Know that you are not alone! We are on your side! You are welcome here to share more anytime you would like! Stay strong! You are so strong!

    Sending hope,
    -Natalie

  16. Kayla Volunteer

    I’m glad you found AVFTI and shared with us. It sounds like you’ve been through so much, and I’m sorry if you felt that no one believed you or was there for you. It is unfortunately common for sexual assault to skewed and even praised for young men. It sounds like the girl in the pool took advantage of you and knew what she was doing. I want you to know that we hear you, and we believe you and support you.
    It sounds like you’ve been through so much. You are very brave and resilient.

  17. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi consent,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are incredibly brave for sharing and trusting us with your story. what happened to you was absolutely not your fault, you did not deserve any of it. I’m really glad you have found avfti and i hope we can help you process through some of what you have been through. If you need further guidance, you can look at our find help tab at the top of the page, and you are most welcome to come back and chat with us. Thank you for sharing and be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  18. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you went through this. What happened to you in unfair and definitely not your fault. Your feelings of guilt are normal, but you should know that you were put in this situation and you were too young to understand the overall situation. To see that you are taking care of your children is great as you took on fatherhood quite early. As we get older, we experience many stressful events like divorce, death, or moving. So, your feelings and thoughts are very normal and you should know that you are strong in what you are doing. Like you did here, perhaps dedicating 30minutes-1hour a day to writing down your thoughts and feelings. This can help you organize your thoughts and grant you the opportunity to think clearly while you take steps forward. You are doing everything right!

    Thank you for sharing!

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this, and this wasn’t your fault. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor to talk through all of this? I know this can be really difficult and confusing to try to process all these emotions on your own. You can also text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741. We are here for you.

    Erin

  20. Jordan Volunteer

    Thank you so much for coming on here and feeling comfortable enough to share your story with us <3 Unfortunately, society typically does not view women as being predators like they do men. Although they typically and statistically do tend to be men, there are women predators and perpetrators out there as well. The women in the pool knew exactly what she was doing to you. This is called grooming. She was taking advantage of the fact that you were a younger guy and that no one would think anything of a slightly older woman being with a younger guy. I'm sure she was cute, how could anyone pass that up? As you mentioned other men (even law enforcement) were commending you on a job well done. No one thought anything of it, even though if the gender roles would have been reversed it is a completely different story. These reactions also tie into the fact that sex is portrayed differently onto women than it is men. Men are typically applauded for having sex young, with multiple partners, with the end goal of procreating, etc. Whereas women we are taught to save ourselves for that 'special' person, specifically until marriage, if we have sex with multiple partners this means we are 'lose', sluts, dirty, etc. A women is never applauded by her peers for having sex young, let alone too often. Although these perceptions have been changing over the last few decades, it is still relevant in rape culture today.
    You have been through so much and I just want to say that you are so strong. Continue to keep your head up. You got this. It sounds like you have a good support system surrounding you because of your children, which is always good in difficult times.

    As far as resources go, have you ever considered seeking out counseling to help deal with your trauma, along with these other confusing and unfortunate events throughout your life? I know therapy can be expensive, but I would look into therapy that specifically deals with trauma, sexual violence, etc. These therapists might be better equipped to help you in the long run. Also, telemedicine is becoming more and more popular. I know there are apps that you can download for therapy. This gives you the access of talking to a therapist from the comfort of your own home and you can do it from your smart phone or computer. A very popular and well known app is called BetterHelp, you can download this on Google Play and I am pretty sure the Applestore. Here is the link to their website for you to check out: https://www.betterhelp.com/
    Also, if you ever need immediate help or someone to talk to you can always go to our Find Help tab and locate Hotlines, which will give your a variety of numbers that you can call or text about what is going on.
    I hope some of this helped. Sending you hugs your way as you continue your healing journey <3

    – Jordan

  21. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    Thanks for being brave to open up & share! I’m sorry about all your trouble but am glad you have the support if your family. Trying to explain feeling a is a complex issue as everyone’s feeling aren’t the same, & experience & process ceilings differently. I know finding a good therapist & good friends are what gave helped me through many of my struggles. Have you thought about seeking a therapist. You are stronger than you may think. Feelings & emotions come sometimes with no warning, but the way we choose to process & deal makes the difference. Keep on going & stay strong. Come on here & share any time! Take care of you!
    Dawn

  22. zelda Volunteer

    I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been raped 8 times but fortunately never got pregnant. I can’t imagine how you felt as a child going through all of that. What she did was so wrong and you should know that you’re not alone. Many boys and men are survivors of assault, abuse, and rape. You went through major trauma. I don’t know if I can do anything to help, but you can always reach out to me for support. Like I said, you’re not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone.