It’s been a while since my last update. I have a lot to say about group therapy, but I’ll address that in another update.
I’ve been thinking about my assailant since last night. I have so many conflicting feelings about him.
More than anything, I feel hurt. Whenever I liked people (before meeting him), they didn’t like me back. I thought my assailant actually liked me. At least, I wanted to believe that. That mattered to my 15 year old self. I was getting attention for the first time, and I didn’t know what to do.
He acted like he liked me, but only in an attempt to get what he wanted. He took advantage of me, and that hurts more than the rest of it. It’s so difficult for me to let my guard down. I want to be in a relationship eventually (I have too much going on now, and I want to focus on myself), but I really don’t want someone to take advantage of me again.
I’m still intrigued. I keep thinking he has a good side, and I want to know more. I want to know how he was brought up and what caused him to act like this. I wonder if he’s a better person now. Yet I know what happened last time, and I don’t want that to happen again. That’s why I refuse to contact him no matter how intense that curiosity is.
Recently, I’ve had this urge to read our messages from 5 years ago. They’re on this throwaway Gmail account that I haven’t looked at since everything happened. I remember some of what we said, but I want to see what I blocked out from my memory. Yet if I do look, I don’t want anyone to find out.
It has been almost 5 years since the incident. I’ve been angry, frustrated, scared, exhausted, hurt, and so much more. I’ve felt compassion for him before. Yet I don’t know where this new wave of intrigue is coming from. I don’t know why I want to look at those messages again, and I don’t know if I should.
I don’t know if I want to forgive him for what he did. Sometimes I’m convinced I hate him, and other times I can’t bring myself to hate him. It’s so confusing.
I haven’t seen him in a couple of weeks. These feelings (of intrigue, compassion, etc.) don’t come up nearly as much when I’m around him. It may be because my body is trying to protect me during those moments. I don’t know how to feel about any of this.