Coming back around

Coming back around

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Hey everyone, this is Jamie. I deeply apologize I’ve stopped volunteering or keeping everyone up to speed on what’s been going on. Yesterday, I came back home to my family for good in Pennsylvania, after enduring a toxic relationship with my now ex boyfriend..

He has been there for me since day one, helping me deal with the trauma of the rape/molestation, but in a way, has added onto it…Over the months we were together, he’d bully me into corners, intimidate me due to his height, make remarks about my phone usage, even made me feel bad about wearing makeup ’cause he thought I was trying to look good for other guys…Practically threatened to kill me in March if I ever was caught cheating on him..

Yesterday, he pushed me too far…all I wanted was for him to give me space to cool down, but he didn’t and kept getting into my face, which he vowed he’d never do again. It got too intense I slapped him out of self defense, and that practically ended the relationship. His mom ended up punching me to the ground, and now he’s slandering my name all over his facebook saying I hit him and that I was the abusive, toxic one…

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel..


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28 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,

    I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of this over the course of your relationship… I am sure that you are relieved that this relationship has officially ended, but I cannot imagine how much more difficult your ex is making this for you by making it seem like you were the one at fault for everything. I cannot believe his mother punched you to the ground… I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that, NO ONE should have to experience that. Regardless of what he does or does not say, please just remember to never blame yourself for what happened. This is a person that has clearly pushed you to the edge and seems to believe that since he never actually physically put his hands on you, that he was ‘never’ abusive. Which is clearly not the case at all. This is someone who has time and time again used mental, emotional, and physical abuse towards you, and the minute you act defensively in a physical way, he turns everything around on you.
    It sounds like your family is a good support system for you, I hope that they continue to support and be there for you in anyway that they can. But we will always be here as an extension of that support for you too <3 Keep your head up, you got this, and no matter everything that you have been through please remember that this was never your fault. Sending you a lot of hugs your way <3 You are so strong.

    – Jordan

  2. Erin Kaileen Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    I first want to say that you are not to blame and I’m happy you are getting yourself out of that situation. You don’t owe anything to anyone on facebook, so the best thing I would do is maybe block him on everything if you haven’t already. You absolutely do not need someone like that in your life especially if things get violent. You know the truth of what happened and thats all that matters, just ignore him (I know it’s easier said than done). You are an amazing person and I’m sure your family knows that as well. Stay Strong, just take some time to focus on you and your family, it’s okay to disconnect from the internet.

    You got this!
    -erin

  3. Jevati Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming here to update us, and it’s completely okay that you took a break from volunteering. I’m so glad you’re back with your family, and I hope you’re feeling safe with them.

    What your ex-boyfriend did was definitely not okay. It’s horrible that he was emotionally and verbally abusive and is now blaming you. I’ve been there, and it’s so hard to watch someone you cared about spreading lies to people you know. I know this is really difficult, but the people who are your real friends, who truly care about you, will either ignore him or will come to you to find out more. Anyone who just believes him and takes him at face value, without trying to check in with you, isn’t showing true friendship. I know that’s so, so hard to accept, though.

    It’s okay to grieve for the relationship you had with him. It’s okay to grieve for the good times when he was supportive, and it’s okay to grieve for the people you know whose respect or friendship you might lose because of what he’s saying and doing. You deserve time to process everything that’s going on and figure out how to move forward.

    It’s okay to not know what to do or how to feel, too. There’s a lot going on in the situation, and it’s okay for you to have a lot of different feelings, even some that might conflict. The biggest thing will be to make sure you are objectively safe and that you also feel safe. I hope your family can be a big part of that, and hopefully true friends who know you and can be supportive of you. I also hope you can check out some of our resources in the Find Help tab at the top, whenever you’re ready.

    It seems like people always think abusers were “all bad” or non-abusers are “all good” or that situations in general are just cut-and-dry. A good therapist can really help you sort through the relationship you had with him and figure out how to make sense of the different roles he played in your life. And we’re here for you, too. Always.

    – Jev

  4. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    I am glad you are safe at home with your family. I am so sorry for what you went through. Your mental, emotional, and physical health come first, so please take care of yourself, we will be here for anything you need. Thank you for sharing

    Shannon

  5. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Don’t worry about volunteering, your mental health comes first! You need to do whatever you need to work on you first for sure. I’m so sorry to hear about your toxic ex and I’m so glad to hear that you are back with your family and safe. First of all, know that none of this is your fault. Your ex shouldn’t have done any of these things and his mum shouldn’t have either. I think you did the best thing you could do by moving away and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel safe. He shouldn’t be able to bother you anymore. It never hurts to pause your FB account for a while so you don’t have to see the lies he’s telling.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m happy that you are back with your parents and away from your toxic relationship. You mental health comes first. It is good that you saw and realized it was bad for you to be with him. It is hard to say sometimes especially when you first met him he helped you so much. You will find someone else. I know it will be hard for you to get over this break up; all breakups are hard, but you are strong. You also have your family and AVFTI with you. If you need anything we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  7. Kayla Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,

    I’m really glad you’re safe and with your parents. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened with your ex and prior, and that he added more suffering for you when he should have been there for you. You stood up for yourself and I’m glad you’re out of this situation with him. It’s very childish of him to slander you online, hopefully no one believes him and someone shuts down this behavior. I would ignore the posts for now and focus on healing if you can. Sending you love.

  8. dzreid Volunteer

    Jamie,
    Hi there. I’m sorry that you experienced all you did. How he treated you was wrong & it’s a form if domestic violence. I am glad you chose to leave him. That takes courage & strength. You are amazing & I applaud you for leaving. I hope by moving back to PA you can find peace & be able to work on you.
    Dawn

  9. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Jamie,
    Sorry that you had to go though all of that but it sounds like a good thing that you are out of that relationship. It is normal to be frustrated and confused in a time like this, but I am glad that you have a family to lean on! What happened to you was not your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it. We are always here for you!

    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  10. sam Volunteer

    Jamie,
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like it’s a really good thing that you got out of that relationship and removed yourself from such a toxic situation, but I’m sure in many ways it feels like a loss. Even when we make decisions that are objectively right for us, they can still be hard to make, so you should be really proud of yourself on that front. I’m so glad you decided to share with us and have a family to lean on when things get tough like this. We are always here for you, too!

  11. musicislove

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you for sharing with us what’s been going on, I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with all of this lately. I’m so glad you’re out of that situation it sounds like it got pretty rough, his mom shouldn’t have intervened and you shouldn’t have had to deal with any hurt from your ex, especially since he helped you work through trauma in the past. It’s not fair to you at all, and he should definitely not be talking about you on social media, that’s such a violation. I hope being back with your family will be helpful and you can start to heal. No need to apologize for stopping volunteering and updating us, your well-being comes first. If you think talking with someone to really delve into everything could be helpful, finding a therapist might be a good idea. We’re always here for you whenever you want to share more and just remember you are so strong, you will get through this.

    Delaney

  12. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your feelings of frustration and confusion are definitely reasonable and normal to experience because of what you’ve been through. You have a right to ask for space and defend yourself. It’s unfortunate that your ex is portraying you as such without involving the whole story. This goes to show how unreliable media may be with concern to what might actually be happening with both stories. You have no need to post your end of it on FB and I would urge you not too; however, that is your choice. Perhaps, taking a break from social media might be nice to recuperate. You could instead use that time to journal about your journey and the goals you have for yourself – just some reflection to keep up with your thoughts.

    Stay strong!

  13. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,

    I am so sorry that you have been going through this! Thank you for updating us and sharing with us. Please do not apologize for needing to stop volunteering. You and your mental health come first. You are so so strong! I am so sorry that you boyfriend was not there for you the way that he should have been. I am so glad and proud of you for getting yourself out of that situation. I am sure it must be very difficult and the way you are feeling is completely valid. Please know we are always in your corner and want the best for you! Let us know how we can help or come back and update us as much as you would like.

    Sending you lots of love and support,
    -Natalie

  14. Lizzi

    Hey Jamie,
    I’m so sorry about this past relationship and how toxic it got. It must have been really hard to be with someone that would intimidate you and control you like he did. While I can assume it was still hard to end the relationship after so long, especially if he has been there since the beginning, I hope that you’ll feel some relief soon of being away from someone that was hurtful to you. It’s okay not to know how to feel, and remember that we’re here for you if you need support. It’s okay to take time off from volunteering, and we’ll be glad to have you back when you’re able. It’s more important to take care of yourself first before you try to care for others.

  15. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Jamie,

    I’m so sorry that all of this has been going on. It’s okay that you haven’t been volunteering; it’s okay to take time to take care of yourself. First off, I would like to say that I am so proud of you for getting out of that situation; it takes a lot of strength to leave. You deserve to be treated so much better than that. I’m sorry that he’s talking about you all over facebook. It’s not fair that he is trying to portray you in a negative light when it was really him that was toxic. Just know that you know your truth and what happened no matter what he says, and anyone who is a good friend of yours will believe your side of the story. If it helps, maybe try blocking him on facebook so you don’t see his posts and he can’t see yours. I can imagine this must be a confusing and turbulent time for you, and it’s okay if you don’t know what to do or how to feel. Take time for yourself. Let yourself process everything that has been going on and start to work through it. Go into therapy if you feel you need help working through it. As you probably already know, we believe you and we are here for you through it all.

    You are strong and you will get through this. I believe in you,
    Megan

  16. Ashley Day Captain

    It’s lovely to see an update from you, Jamie 🙂

    Since this was a person who helped you work through the trauma associated with the rape/molestation, I’m thinking that’s causing you to feel uncertain about how to feel. On one hand, he was someone that you could lean on for support but he was also someone who turned out to be toxic; I get the feeling that it’s conflicting to think about that. Over the course of the relationship, I’m sorry that he added to the trauma. His mom shouldn’t have intervened in a violent manner. I wish that he would stop painting you as an abusive and toxic person on Facebook so that you can begin to heal.

    As always, we’re here for you.

    Ashley

  17. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened with your relationship. There’s no need to apologize for taking time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you’re going through quite a transition right now. We’re here for you as you navigate the post-relationship healing process. Please let us know if we can help.

    All the best,
    Becca

  18. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, thank you for returning with your story, and you do not have to apologize for anything. I am so sorry for what you have recently gone through, you did not deserve any of that from your ex or his mom. I hope you feel better with your family and stray from your ex, I know it’s easier said than done, but just know his words about you and against you are far from the truth. You are so much stronger than he wants you to appear. Maybe a day to yourself surrounded by loved ones would help ease your mind. Please come back to us if you need anything, we’re all here for you. I hope you have a lovely day.

  19. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m glad you’ve felt comfortable in coming back to share. You didn’t deserve to be manipulated by your ex or hurt by his mother. It’s good to hear that you’re out of that relationship and hopefully in a better place with your family. You, of course, can’t control what your ex says about you, positive or negative. It might be helpful to take time out of your day to do some things that make you happy–like maybe reading or watching a movie. You might be able to take a step back from the fallout of the relationship with these kind of activities.

    Please come share any updates, if you feel comfortable. We’re here for you and believe you. I’m sending you lots of good vibes!

  20. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    You have nothing to apologize for. It’s important to take care of yourself first and foremost. I’m sorry that you have gone through this. He shouldn’t have done what he did and his slanderous accusations are wrong. I’m glad you were able to leave that relationship. I think it’s great that you can focus on yourself and continue on your own path of healing. I hope that Pennsylvania can at least be a starting point for that. Please let us know how else we can help. You’re not alone, stay strong.

    Thomas

  21. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    There’s no need to apologize. It can be hard to keep up with things when there’s a lot going on at once.
    I’m so sorry about how he treated you during the relationship. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way at all, and it’s not your fault. His behavior is not a reflection of you. I’m really sorry that he pushed you too far and that his mom punched you to the ground. That’s not okay at all. I think you defended yourself in the right way, and I’m so glad you’re out of the relationship. It takes so much strength to get out of a toxic relationship.
    It’s terrible that he’s slandering you on social media. It could help to block him so you won’t see what he posts. You can share your story with whoever you choose. I think focusing on your healing is important right now, and I hope you have a support system in Pennsylvania. That can really help you cope with how you’re feeling and figure out what to do next.
    Thank you for the update. We’re here whenever you need to talk. Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself. Continue to stay strong.

  22. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    Thanks for coming back to update us. No need to apologize – life is hectic and unruly sometimes. You need to take care of you! That is always a first priority.

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through with your now-ex, but I’m happy to hear that you got out of that relationship. It’s okay sometimes to not know how you feel about something, especially right after it happens. How he treated you was wrong. It sounds like he was very controlling which culminates in anger and frustration, and especially when you’ve communicated with him and he vowed he would never get in your face again. You were right, it was self defense. And his mom punching you to the ground is totally unacceptable and really leaves me speechless. You did not deserve that.

    I hope being around your family will be helpful and healing for you. Unfortunately, you can’t control what he says, but you can have some influence in how you approach and deal with it. I suggest you block him on social media, and the people you know who are actually important can know the truth (if you are open to sharing, of course). Again, I am really happy to hear you got out of that toxic relationship. Be kind to yourself as you process and heal.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  23. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    It is good to hear from you! There are no apologies necessary. You are doing what you need to do in order to take care of yourself and that is what matters. I am so sorry that things haven’t been going well with your relationship. It sounds like returning home to your family is the safest thing for you right now. Trauma bound relationships are very difficult if both people aren’t working towards healing. Be sure to treat yourself gently and kindly. Take the time you need and work on healing, don’t get caught up in social media. Reach out to your support team and take care of you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  24. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out, Jamie. You need to do what is best for you and keeps you safe. Staying away from this toxic boyfriend seems like a good idea; he doesn’t respect you and your needs and makes you feel unsafe, which is not how you deserve to be treated. There is no right way to feel as everyone deals with trauma in different ways. I would try t ignore the posts and block him so that you can’t seem them. The people that are your true friends will not believe the lies and will want to hear your side of the story. Please let us know how we can help you further; we are always here for you. Stay strong <3

  25. Solongago

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don’t know anything about relationships. Just know that I care about you, and hope that by keeping your family close you can ward off any further attempts this guy makes to get back into relationship with you. It is hard to give up on a relationship however abusive and I think it speaks volumes about your strength and reliance on you to be able to do that.

  26. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for updating us. No need to apologize! Things happen, and we are just happy to be hearing from you again even though the circumstances aren’t the best.

    I’m sorry you had such a bad relationship with your ex. He shouldn’t have treated you like that or been so aggressive, ESPECIALLY after promising never to get like that again. It sounds like you did the right thing in defending yourself physically. Are you okay after his mom hit you? Unfortunately, there’s not really much you can do about the Facebook stuff. I would suggest reporting his posts and asking your friends to do the same, and then blocking him on all platforms. He’s trying to manipulate you even outside of the relationship, and you don’t deserve that. I’m really glad you’ve gotten away from him. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We support you! Stay strong.

    Marissa

  27. zelda Volunteer

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. You’re not alone. My fiancé was abusive at times too. I didn’t leave him after the rapes or even after the physical assault, but once he kidnapped and beat me, I knew it was time to leave his house. I’m glad you got out too, even if your ex is spreading horrible rumors about you. Don’t listen to him. Block him on all social media platforms, including your phone. What he’s doing is so wrong and it’s in your best interest to just tune him out and go about your life. Don’t give him the time of day. I hope this helps you, I don’t know of any other advice to give you. I’m just very sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this.

  28. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,

    I am so sorry for what you have been going through. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. I know that no one deserves to be treated how you were treated by your ex boyfriend. No one who truly cares about someone would ever threaten to kill them, or say the things he has said to you. I know that can be really difficult though, when you feel he has been there for you in other respects. Now that you have come back to be with your parents, do you think that, when you’re ready, finding a therapist might help process all of this? I know it’s very raw right now, and you might not be ready yet, and that’s okay. You can always text VOICE to 741 741, our crisis text line, if you need. Is there anything more we can do to support you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin