Climbing From Rock Bottom

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I started doing drugs when I was 16 years old. There was a boy I was dating, he was older and smoked pot all the time. When he offered it to me I knew there was no way in hell I could turn it down. You know how impressionable we can be at that age. As soon as I smoked and got stoned though, i loved it. I had gone from a girl who only tried drinking a couple of times in her life to a full-blown pothead at the snap of a finger. 

Then I tried heroin at 17. 

It was with him, he had been doing it for a few months before me and as much as I wanted to say no, i told him i’d give it a try. I snorted some and well, it felt like I had a spiritual awakening and had found heaven. I loved it, my worries melted away along with my insecurities. 

I feel like I should mention we hadn’t had sex yet. I was a virgin and I made it clear I wasn’t ready and while he didn’t take it too well in stride, he was seemingly okay with it. I think he was more concerned about getting high, to be honest. 

One night he took out a needle and said how much better it would feel to inject it rather than snorting it. It took me about a half-second to agree to it. He shot it up for me and there it was, heaven like never before. Except, shortly after he began getting aggressive with me and I went with it as I felt like I was floating I was so high. Then before I knew it my pants were off and he was having sex with me. 

It was easily the most violating moment of my entire life. That was me losing my virginity. What girl pictures it like this? Absolutely horrifying. 

Was this his motive all along? Get me hooked on drugs so I will finally have sex with him? Did he even really care about me? The questions started flooding in my head immediately after it all happened and they still ring in my head today.  He took me home and the silence in the car was deafening. He knew what he had done, the guilt was palpable.

If there is one thing I am grateful for, it’s that I ended things with him immediately. The thing was, none of my friends or my parents questioned it because they never liked him in the first place. Do you know what the worst feeling in the world is though? Telling everyone afterwards that you’re okay about the breakup when you are absolutely positively not okay and I couldn’t tell a soul.

I had this gigantic dark cloud hanging over me after that night and now I had an insidious deadly habit, a heroin addiction. 

The next 4 years were a complete blur and the loneliest times of my life. I wouldn’t let a single boy get anywhere close to me, I’d meet some throughout my addiction and simply use them if they had a connection to where I could score more heroin. There were dark days but I’d rather not get into it. 

In 2016 my parents convinced me to go to rehab. I was so afraid but honestly, I was so ready to do something about all these skeletons in my closet. My one on ones with my therapist at my facility was the first time I told anyone I had been raped. The liberation I felt in that initial moment is unexplainable, just to tell someone and have them say how sorry they are that it happened to me and that it wasn’t my fault. I had so much work to do ahead but that was one of the most important days of my life.

I am now 3 years in recovery from heroin and I’d love to say everything is picture-perfect but it isn’t. I have made strides but often still deal with major depression in sobriety and have trouble committing to anyone romantically. What I do have is a strong support network of women, many of them have been through what I have and I can’t tell you how much of a difference that makes in my life. To see survivors living independent and happy lives gives me so much faith in myself. 

There is hope, you just need to tell someone about it, someone who cares and then the healing can begin. 

 National sexual assault hotline 1-800-656-4673


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29 comments

  1. wanderlust

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know how hard it was to tell anyone about that, let alone a whole website of people. But were here for you and we love you. Stay strong, it’s a hard time, and its a struggle but you can keep going I have faith in you. Stay strong were here for you.

  2. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi CaitFields ,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you had to experience that. I’m glad you were able to get the help you needed. You’ve come a far way and should be proud of that. If you ever need anything, let us know. We are always here for you.

  3. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there CatiFields,

    It is amazing to hear your story and how far you have come so far in your healing journey. The healing process is a continuous one, and I feel it is something that is always evolving. You have time to work on the things that you feel like still need tweaking, and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have things that we’d like to change or make better for ourselves.
    I just want to say how sorry I am that, that was what your first time was like.. that should have been a special moment for you that you had every right to be apart of, not half there. No one else should get to make that choice for you.
    It’s great to hear about the support system you discovered while getting clean, and I hope that we can continue to be an extension of that support system. You’re very strong and I don’t want you to ever forget that. Sending hugs your way♡

    – Jordan

  4. Lizzi

    CaitFields,
    I’m so sorry that you were introduced to drugs and taken advantage of. None of this was your fault. Like you said, you were at an impressionable age and it sounds like he used his age to get you to try it. I’m so proud of you for your recovery and your 3 years sober! I know it’s not easy and I’m sure life isn’t perfect but I hope that life always continues to be better than it was during those dark days. Thank you for trusting us with your story and encouraging others to get help.

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi CaitFields,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is not your fault. You didn’t ask to get raped. When you are u see any influence (alcohol or drugs) you are not in the correct head space to have sex. He should not have forced that on you. I’m happy that your parents got you therapy. I’m sorry that they didn’t ask why you and your ex broke up. If you loved him and out of the blue you broke up someone should have asked why you did.
    I’m happy that you are sober and you have a huge support system, which includes AVFTI. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with us. If you need anything we are here for you. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi CaitFields,
    I’m so sorry that he took advantage of you. You didn’t deserve for this to happen, and you’re not at fault. I’m really sorry that you couldn’t tell your friends or your parents about what you were going through, and I can’t imagine how difficult those 4 years were. I’m so glad your therapist was supportive and that you have a strong support network. It’s amazing that you’re 3 years in recovery – that’s an incredible accomplishment!
    Thank you for telling us your story and reminding us that there is hope. If you need anything, please reach out to us. We’re here to help and support you in any way we can. You’re doing great, and you are strong!

  7. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi CaitFields,
    I’m so proud of where you are. You have come such a long way you are so strong! I’m sorry you had to experience all of this and nothing that happened is your fault. Being able to talk through what happened is a huge step in the recovery process and I’m so happy you have such a positive outlook! It’s so good you have a stable your support system! Thank you for trusting us with your story and if we can help you in any way please let us know
    Kailey

  8. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi CaitFields,

    Thank you for coming here with your story. We are all here for you and this is a safe space. I’m so sorry that your ex-boyfriend took advantage of you like that. He should have known that when you are under the influence of any drug you can’t give full consent, and what he did was wrong. I’m glad you got the chance to try rehab and work with a therapist. It must have been great to be able to talk about it with someone and work towards feeling better. Your story is very inspiring.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  9. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi CaitFields,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry your boyfriend did that to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that. No one does. I’m really happy to hear that you found such a strong support system through rehab and recovery, though. That’s so important when it comes to healing. You’re doing amazing! Stay strong, you’ve got this.

    Marissa

  10. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with you story! I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I am very glad you found our site to share your story! You are so strong and your story is inspiring. Congratulations on three years of recovery! that is a great accomplishment! I am glad you have a support system around you to help you through the hard times. Healing is a journey! it will not always be easy, but you can get through it! What happened is not your fault and you are so strong for surviving and getting yourself out of a situation you were not comfortable in. We will always be here for you and on your side! let us know if there is anything we can do to help you! sending you lots of strength and hope! you are so strong!!!

    -Natalie

  11. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear what you’ve gone through. You’ve truly overcome a large battle of an addiction, and it’s great to see you’ve maintained sobriety for so long. I believe you can do it. With your story, I believe you can also be a light for many others who may have had similar feelings of yourself or experiences.

    You are strong <3

  12. Kayla Volunteer

    CaitFields,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m really glad to hear you’re in recovery, it’s such a long and difficult road which requires a lot of bravery and tenacity. You are strong and resilient, always remember that. Sending you love.

  13. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    I am so sorry that he took advantage of you! I am glad that you agreed to rehab. The support of those women seem to not only provided support but a sense of a hope. I also believe that once any one talks about their abuse experience, as hard as it may be, there is a freeing & a healing that comes along with it. I am also glad that you have taken control back of who you are ! You now can stand with fellow survivors & not feel so alone! I just want to say that it take lots of courage to speak up! I am glad you are finding your voice & have gained hope! Be proud of yourself! You deserve to live in freedom & not be held prisoner to what happened!
    Dawn

  14. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi CaitFields,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It is wonderful to know you received the help you needed and deserved. We hope you come back and continue to update us with how you are doing and if there is anything we can do to help in your journey to healing. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  15. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    This is beautiful and I am so glad you got professional help. Therapists truly work scientific miracles and I hope others reading this are encouraged to seek the help of a professional. You are very brave and please continue to encourage others and share with us. We appreciate your leadership in this loving community.

    Ryan

  16. sam Volunteer

    CaitFields,
    Thank you for sharing your story. What happened to you was awful, and I’m so sorry you had to experience it. You didn’t deserve for someone who you trusted to violate you like that, and it was not your fault. It’s great that you broke things off with him so soon, but I’m sure it was really hard to cope with that pain on your own for so many years.

    I’m so glad that going to rehab has helped you make so many strides. It’s great that you found people who support you and are taking such good care of yourself. It sounds like you are staying really strong and doing some really tough healing work, which you should be proud of. We are always here when you need us.

  17. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for what happened to you-you didn’t deserve any of this and this wasn’t your fault. Is there anything else we can do to support? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  18. Megan Volunteer

    Hey CaitFields,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to be treated so much better. But I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and breaking things off with him, as well as going to rehab and getting the help you needed. I am so proud of you for fighting through everything you have been through. Recovery is rocky process, but you are still here and spreading your light and words of encouragement to everyone and that is so amazing. Thank you for sharing your story.

    I wish you all the best,
    Megan

  19. Ashley Day Captain

    Congratulations on completing three years of recovery, CaitFields!

    I’m sorry that you had to carry a heavy secret and that it seemed like you couldn’t confide in anyone. It’s not okay that he disrespected your boundaries while you weren’t in a state of mind to provide consent. Although you were fearful to enter rehab, you made the courageous decision to seek help and I commend you for taking that step. It’s wonderful to hear that you have a support system; it sounds like their happiness and independence reminds you that it’s possible to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I wish you nothing but the best.

    Ashley

  20. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry you went through alot. I am glad that you believe there is hope. i am also glad you recognize that you are not alone in this world and people do care about your well being. Stay strong and positive we are here for you and care for you.

  21. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m sorry for what you went through, but I think it’s great that you believe that there’s hope. Hope is a powerful and great thing, and I’m really glad that you are trying to be positive and that you recognize that you are not alone and that there are those out there who genuinely care for you and want to help you. Stay strong and persevere!

  22. zelda Volunteer

    Your story is very similar to mine. I lost my virginity to rape and, when I met my now deceased fiancé, he also raped me. Three different times. He was the one who introduced me to a whole lot of drugs, including heroin. He was the one who would shoot me up. Like you, I’m clean now. It hasn’t been easy for me either. I’m glad to hear that you’re in a much better space, hopefully surrounded by people who love and care for you. Just know that you’re not alone in your recovery. Other people, including me, are here with you on this journey. Take care and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

  23. musicislove

    Hi Caitfields,

    I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through you didn’t deserve any of it and none of it was your fault. I’m so glad to hear that you’re in recovery and that the rehab facility you went to was so good for you. I can’t imagine how powerful it must have been to tell your therapist about the rape and to have her support. It’s normal to still be dealing with depression and to find it difficult connecting to others romantically. As long as you don’t give u you’ll continue to heal. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and we;re always here if you want to share more.

    Delaney

  24. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Caitfields,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t serve any of it and none of it is your fault. It powerful reading how far you have come. It’s okay to still be struggling with depression. That’s normal and healing is never a straight line. It’s filled with twists and turns. You just have to take it a day at a time. But I’m glad you have found a support system. And you’re absolutely right: we getter better when we support each other. Please let us know how else we can help. Stay strong and keep the hope alive.

    Thomas

  25. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hi CaitField,

    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. This will truly help someone going through the same thing. It’s not easy what you have been through and I can imagine some days are really hard, but it’s great to hear that you have a support system of women that have shared similar experiences. Please keep us updated and know we are always here for you if you need us.
    -Marie

  26. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that he took advantage of you and for everything you’ve been through. It takes an amazing amount of strength to share your story, and the hope that is evident in your view is powerful. I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with depression, but it’s so amazing to hear that you’ve found an amazing support system and you’re working through your recovery one day at a time. Bad days happen, but you’re a survivor. Stay strong and keep fighting <3

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. We are always here and we believe you.
    -jess

  27. blashea Volunteer

    Hi,I am so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this. I am so proud of you for sharing your story with us and for your strength in sobriety and your journey. Its okay to have bad days. I am so happy to hear that you have found a community/support system. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. We are all here for you and support you.

  28. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, CaitFields. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It’s inspiring. I’m glad to hear you found recovery and some support from therapy and other women. Support groups have really made a huge difference in my life. I’m sorry you’re still dealing with the depression and trust issues that linger but keep focused on the incredible progress you have made. It sounds like you have made great resources you can reach out to when these things come up. And we’re always here too.

  29. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey there CaitFields,

    Thank you for coming to share your story with us. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through, but I hope you are proud of how far you’ve come! None of what you’ve gone through was your fault and you did not deserve any of it. You made it very clear with him that you did not want to have sex yet, and he violated you anyway. I am so sorry he did not treat you with respect. It is very common that victims of sexual assault turn to substance use to help cope, so you are not alone in that struggle. I am very glad your parents encouraged you to go to rehab and you were receptive towards it. The healing journey is different for everyone and often takes a lot time. Be kind to yourself and keep your chin up in these hard moments. You’ve come so far! You can explore our Find Help tab for some great resources such as books and discussion forums. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We are here for you! Stay strong.

    Sending love and support,
    Bre