I apologize for all of these recent posts regarding my ex…

I just feel I have nowhere else to turn to other than the AVFTI website, and since it’s mainly about sexual abuse, not narcisstic. But the psychological abuse is very much alive in my mind, and it’s hurting me. Can he be saved? I wasn’t trying to play God to him and our relationship, thinking that maybe I can “save” him, but I seriously think about him 24/7 and I’m tempted to reach out to him, but would it be fair to the both of us? No, it wouldn’t.  I just hope he’ll be okay one way or another, and pray that maybe his new girlfriend will treat him better than I did…I pray he makes it out there with his music, I pray he’ll have everlasting love like he wanted with us. Though I’ll never get closure, I just pray he’s happy, despite the emotional and psychological turmoil.


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27 comments

  1. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I think it speaks a lot about your progress in terms of your patience and what you’re learning with recovery. For you to control these impulsive thoughts is a huge step that should be acknowledged and celebrated. Treat yourself to come cake or ice cream. It’s very normal for these thoughts of “saving” someone to come to mind when it’s someone you care about and want to check on, but like you said, “Would it be fair?” You are establishing boundaries for yourself which is a HUGE step in being able to detach yourself from the situation and focus on what’s best for you! you are doing great things!
    Stay strong <3

  2. Lizzi

    Hey Jamie,
    No need to apologize! We’re here for you and whatever comes up, and we want to support you. It’s understandable to want to reach out to him. Even with the abuse, you still lost someone from your life and it’s normal to want to help him. But you’re right, it wouldn’t be fair, at least to you. You’re working towards healing from what he did to you and bringing him back into your life could hurt you again. Maybe he will decide to save himself, or his girlfriend will try to help him be happy. Regardless, It shows what an amazing, caring person you are to want to see him happy, despite everything.

  3. Ashley Day Captain

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    There’s no need to apologize; everyone deserves to have a safe place to express how they are feeling. It can be distressing to lose a personal connection with someone we care about. The fact that you wish him well shows maturity and growth.

    I encourage you to maintain your boundaries from him so that you can continue to heal.

    Ashley

  4. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    There is no reason to apologize, we are always here for you! You are always welcome to post on AVFTI. I understand why you may be feeling this way and it’s okay to have these feelings, we are here to reassure you and support you anyway we can.

    The healing process involves some days where one might feel better, but also some might where one might feel worse. I’m sorry to hear about your stories of psychological abuse. This abuse can really skew things and cause confusion. I hope you know that we understand the way you are feeling. I hope that writing these things out can help with your healing process and bring you the closure you deserve. I am confident that you are on the right path and will do the right thing.

    Thank you for coming by again and please come back soon! 🙂

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend you don’t need to apologize for anything. It is good you have reached out and taken some steps back from where you are. It is good thing still want someone to be happy and successful even though they hurt you. you are doing a great job coping. Sending good vibes your way jamie and keep your head up and keep pushing through.

  6. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, you don’t have to apologize for anything. and it’s a good thing you didn’t reach out or maybe you’d be ten steps back from where you are. it’s a good thing to still want someone to be happy and successful even though they hurt you. and even though it’s still hard, you’re doing a great job coping. sending good vibes your way. keep your head up and keep fighting.

  7. musicislove

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    You don’t need to apologize, we’re here to support you. It’s hard when closure isn’t possible but you’re staying so strong not contacting him and I hope you see that. It’s hard not to reach out but just try to focus on other things and do things that make you happy, one day it won’t be so hard anymore. One day you’ll realize you don’t think about him so often. Try to be gentle with yourself while you’re struggling and remember we’re always here when you want to reach out again.

    Delaney

  8. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. We are here for you. Unfortunately, closure isn’t always possible but making peace with yourself and the situation is. I hope that you can journey toward that, and we certainly support you along the way.

    Katherine

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m sorry things have been hard for you. You are always welcomed to talk to about him here. This is your safe space. You just have to be strong when you are tempted to call him because he is fine. You have to worry about yourself and make sure you are okay. You don’t have to save anyone. Just focus on yourself because you deserve to be happy without the toxic people in your life. Thank you for updating us. We are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  10. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there, Jamie Marie,

    You never ever have to apologize for coming to us. We’re here for you unconditionally. I think it’s understandable that you’re having these feelings and concerns, regardless of what your ex put you through. You were very emotionally tied to him, as anyone is in a relationship. The emotional and psychological abuse adds that extra conditioned layer of concern and wanting to make sure that everything is okay. I think that a lot of survivors experience that kind of guilt. Reaching out to him might hurt you more than help you. Not getting closure is a frustrating experience, but you’re doing the best that you can. You sound like you have an incredibly warm heart; use some of the energy you want to use on your ex to take care of you 🙂

  11. colton95 Volunteer

    Even if you don’t find closure, I hope that you will be able to eventually be at peace with your past and that both you and your ex will be able to move on. I also hope that you will continue to grow and stay strong. I would recommend that you either not reach out to him or wait a while before you do. But it’s all up to you and I’m sure that you will be okay!

  12. Jess Volunteer

    You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I am so thankful that you have found support within the AVFTI community and we are always willing to hear you out and help you in anyway that we can. The things you have experienced are difficult and you deserve time to work through these times. I definitely agree with you in that reaching out wouldn’t be fair to either of you. I’m going to encourage you to take care of yourself and engage in coping skills. If you look up “coping skills,” you will find a lot of suggestions. It’s important to be taking care of yourself, especially while you are working through all of these thoughts. Thank you for updating us! Feel free to reach out whenever you need us. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  13. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    I’m glad you’re sharing here – you don’t need to apologize. What you’re working through is difficult, and it’s okay to seek support. I think that if he commits to being a better person, he can be saved. However, it has to come from him. You’re not responsible for saving or fixing him. I agree with you when you say that reaching out to him wouldn’t be fair to both of you. You deserve to take some time to yourself and heal. I think it could help to explore new hobbies/skills (as some of the comments have said below), take some online classes, etc. It may help you keep your mind off of him, and you can learn something new in the process!
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to help in any way we can, so please reach out. You can get through this.

  14. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for the update, and you don’t need to apologize. It’s really hard to hold onto all of these complicated feelings. I’m sure it’s difficult and I hope you’re taking care of yourself. It’s not your responsibility to save or fix him, and maybe genuinely feeling and accepting that can help you move on. Like Marissa said, maybe a hobby can help you take your mind off of him. Personally, I find books a great way to distract myself. Let us know how we can support you. You got this!

    Sending love and support,
    Bre

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry you’re having all of these complicated feelings. My best advice is to find something to distract yourself from constantly thinking about him. Maybe trying out a new hobby and finding something that you love? I know this isn’t very helpful, but it’s all I’ve got to offer. I completely agree with Erin, though. What you’re going through is hard to work through and you don’t have to be responsible for saving him. You deserve peace and happiness. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. We’re here for you!

    Marissa

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You don’t have to apologize. You are welcome back here anytime you like. Psychological abuse is also harmful, and it’s hard to work through. We support you in whatever decision you want to make. Just know that you don’t have to feel responsible for someone who harmed you, even someone you care about. You can focus on you and your healing. You don’t have to be responsible for saving him. Come back anytime-we are here for you.

    Erin

  17. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    No need for apologies, we are here for you no matter what. Having to let go of someone you love is so hard and it hurts. Losing someone feels the same no matter the reason for the loss; you still have to go through the whole grieving process. On top of that, our brain seeks the safety of what we know, so that voice in our head keeps coming back to tell us we should be with that person; this is normal and we just acknowledge the thought and then let it go. Reaching out to him only gives him the opportunity to hurt you further. Wishing him well is a great way to help yourself heal because what we focus on, we get more of. Sending out that hope for success, healing, and happiness will bring those things back to you as well. This is hard. We are here for you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  18. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry you had to go through this. It can be hard to stay away from someone who was such a large part of your life, even if it was a toxic relationship. It’s okay to wish good will to someone who did not treat you fairly. I’m glad that you have realized that it would not be healthy to get back in touch with him. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  19. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    This is a great place to turn when you’re not sure where to turn. I know it’s difficult to stay away when you care about someone so deeply. It sounds like you are doing what you think is right and wishing him the best while starting to learn to care about yourself. It may be a good idea to keep yourself busy with activities that you enjoy and spend some time with your friends and family if you are able to. I wish you the best! You can always reach out when struggle. That’s what we are here for.
    Rustin

  20. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    We are here for you no matter what! Please don’t feel like you have to apologize! What your feeling about your ex is totally normal and expected. Wanting to help someone is great but a person wont change if they don’t want to. Wishing his the best shows your heart and your strength. Getting through a breakup is so hard and can take some time but you can get through this. That being said I agree that you probably shouldn’t reach out it could slow your healing or set you back and you should be your primary concern. Stay strong and continue to update us!
    Kailey

  21. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Please never apologize for sharing with us! We want to be here to listen and support you. We are here to help in any way that we can. The fact that you are thinking about your ex and wishing him well shows exaclty the type of person that you are. You are caring and loayl, and I think that you are on your way to closure. Sometimes the best closure is just healing from a relationship that wasn’t meant to be. Stay strong. We are here for you.

    Carmen

  22. dzreid Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,
    Please don’t apologize for sharing, that’s what we are here for! I am glad you know that avfti is a place that you can share safely. I think that what you are feeling regarding your ex, is a normal part of healing. You are right, emotional & physical abuse are just as hard to recover from as physical or sexual. It does take time to heal & be able to move beyond what happened. You have a strength that you may not realize you do. You have an inner drive that keeps you going. As far as closure with your ex, maybe one day you’ll receive that. I think as far as him being saved, yes, but he has to want to make changes first. No matter what happens, you’re not responsible for him or his actions. Continue to work on you. You will be able to one day look back & know what happened to you no longer will have you captive. I also think that for you to even ask if he could be saved shows how far you have come. Keep on keeping on!
    Dawn

  23. meg Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Please don’t apologize for sharing your thoughts with us! I am so sorry you’re feeling so hurt. Try to remember that healing isn’t linear. It’s difficult to let go of such intense thoughts and emotions, but you are moving forward and doing incredible at it. Your heart is in the right place when you say you wanted to help him, but people can only change when they want to. So please don’t be hard on yourself about what he may or may not do. I think you can continue praying for him, but start to let yourself channel that energy and focus onto yourself. You’re strong and capable. Continue to update us!
    —Meg

  24. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Don’t apologize for sharing your story! We are all here to listen and help in any way that we can! I believe that anyone can change, but there is only so much that other people can do to help. A lot of change has to come from within that person. It’s nice of you to think of your ex and wish the best for him. The rest needs to be on him. He has the power to turn his life around and be happy if he wants to become a better person. We are all constantly growing. Instead of channeling your energy towards him you deserve to work on your own things 🙂

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  25. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Please do not apologize for posting about your ex! You are always welcome to share any part of your story you would like to on here! I am sorry that you are still hurting from this. You are making excellent progress though, please remember that. To address your questions on if he can be saved: I think anyone is able to make a change in their life, but it has to come from them. He has to be willing to make a change and save himself. It is not on you to fix things for him. All you can do is focus on your journey and healing yourself. You are so kind and strong!! You can get through this!

    Sending lots of support,
    -Natalie

  26. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    First off, you are allowed to post here whenever and however much you like. You don’t have to feel bad about it at all! We are here for you and we want to support you through whatever you are going through. It is not uncommon to have ruminating thoughts about your ex, especially after everything you went through with him. If you still follow him on social media, maybe unfollowing him or muting his posts will help you think about him less? Sometimes we don’t think about things until something reminds us of it, so trying to manage some of those reminders might help? Or other things to help distract you from those thoughts of him might help; like music or tv or talking to a friend. I think you might be right that it’s better for you to not reach out to him. It’s okay that you hope he is doing well and everything, but it might be better for your health to keep some distance.

    I hope these thoughts ease up soon. You are strong and you will get through this,
    Megan

  27. Solongago Volunteer

    I am really sorry that you are going through these very painful feelings. A huge part of your life is no longer there, and not because he is gone, he is just gone to you, and I know that hurts. This is not abnormal. It is understandable. Even when they absolutely sucked in their behavior, when you care deeply for someone, when you love someone, that just doesn’t turn off. Please be understanding and gentle with yourself.

    Can he be saved? With God all things are possible. No one can say what circumstances in life might cause a person to turn. And they can turn better or worse. Even if he were to get a wake-up call, like being in a serious car accident where someone dies, it can make him re-examine his life and appreciate that he did not die and change his outlook, or he can feel even more invincible and deny any guilt for causing the accident if he did, and so forth. So, we cannot contrive any way to make folks better, or the outcomes. All we can do is pray for someone, and I don’t know in this instance if praying for him is going to be helpful to you, because it keeps him in front of your mind.

    I am sorry. It will get better, but it will take time. And it may take talking it over with someone skilled, a pastor or therapist, maybe several times. And it may not. I don’t know. But we are designed to survive these losses. What you are going through is grief like a loss of a spouse. It’s hard. Try to pay attention to your needs and take care of yourself. Give yourself patience, kindness, food, time, understanding, exercise.