Breaking Point

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Hi everyone. I’ll talk about the counseling appointment in another post because I don’t feel like thinking about that at the moment.

He came back after a few weeks. I couldn’t breathe when I heard him sing, and I had to leave for a few minutes. It was such a long and overwhelming day, and I didn’t get much of a break.

I feel worse than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m fed up, and this is so painful. I’m tired of carrying this weight, and I can’t stand seeing him on the altar. I can’t hear his voice. I don’t want to constantly be on edge whenever I’m in church. I don’t want to fake how I feel. It’s so hard to explain the weight I feel right now – the pain I’ve been carrying for the past 4 1/2 years. I’m close to a breaking point, and I’m tired of being strong. I feel like I’ve been walking uphill for a long time in order to cope with everything. I need to catch my breath, but I don’t know how. I want someone to tell me things will be all right because I don’t feel that way right now. 

I don’t need advice at this point. All I want is understanding and support because this hurts too much, and I feel like I can’t do this. 


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18 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Welcome back, thank you for coming to update us on your story. We are all here for you. I’m so sorry to hear that he came back, I can’t imagine how frustrating that is for you. I’m sure the weight of this experience is becoming exhausting. It’s hard to feel that you can’t relax in an environment that you used to feel so comfortable in. Things are going to be all right I promise. You are such a strong person, and while you may feel tired now, I know you have some energy reserved. You are stronger than you realize. We are all here for you. You can absolutely do this, I have no question in my mind.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello music2799,

    I’m sorry that you had difficulty breathing and I hope that stepping away from the situation was helpful. I wish this wasn’t a battle that you have to fight because you have the right to feel comfortable when you’re at church. I want to remind you that you don’t have to push through this by yourself. From the thoughts and feelings that you described, you’ve made it known that this journey has been exhausting and painful. We’ll be here when you feel ready to discuss the counseling appointment.

    You can do this. Be kind to yourself. I believe in you.

    Ashley

  3. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there music2799,

    You can always come on here and talk to us when things are not going good, day or night, do not ever forget that we are here for you no matter what. But, if you are ever an immediate crisis and perhaps need to text someone, you can text VOICE to 741741 to get immediate help. As other comments mentioned below, you can always check out our resources page for other phone numbers as well. You are strong, brave, and have prevailed so much. Keep your head up <3 You got this, I know it is hard and difficult right now, but just know that what you are feeling is temporary and it will not last forever. No one knows your situation better than you, trust your gut and do whatever it is that you need to do to create a happier, safer, and more healthier environment for yourself <3 You do not owe anyone anything. Think of some things that you enjoy to do to help bring yourself up, you gotta take care of yourself now more than ever. Sending you lots of hugs your way <3

    – Jordan

  4. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are so strong! You are a survivor. How you feel is completely valid!! It is okay to not feel okay sometimes. And it is 100% okay for you to now what to see him on the alter. Things will be alright! You can get through this! You are doing all of the right things to heal from what happened. You can do it and all of AVFTI is here to support you along the way!

    Sending hope,
    -Natalie

  5. Lizzi

    Hey music2799,
    I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time. We’re here for you, and please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help support you through this time. Or if you have other people in your life you can talk with, please just reach out to someone when it’s too hard. You don’t have to fake how you feel. You’re hurting. You also don’t have to try to be strong. You already are. Even the strongest people suffer pain and hard times and that doesn’t make them any less strong of a person. You’re going to get through this.

  6. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re really struggling right now. Sometimes things can feel very overwhelming. I understand exactly what you’re speaking about when you talk of feeling a weight, and that there seems to be no escape. I went through something very similar a few years ago. I’m glad you have an appointment with your counselor, or that you had an appointment with your counselor. Sometimes a professional is the best person to speak to in circumstances like this. As for your healing journey, I, unfortunately, can’t promise when things will turn around. Everything is different for everyone. Just know that you’re not alone in all of this. We’re always here for you. In addition to posting here, you can always reach out to our crisis text line at 741741, or browse through our resources page. Please remember that it’s okay to be in a difficult place right now too. Healing isn’t a straight line, and often times it might feel that you’re moving backward and that’s okay. Your feelings are valid and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything “wrong” in terms of your healing. You’re an incredibly strong person to face him on a weekly basis. You’ve got this. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  7. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,
    I’m so sorry that you had to see him. I’m sorry that you felt so much pain and you were scared. Just remember it is okay to not be strong and to feel like you have no control over the situation. It is okay to feel like this. You have every right to feel like this because he put you through something that no one should get put through. Just remember even though you feel like this you are going to be okay. You are safe even when you see him, you are strong when you don’t to be because you are able to get up every morning and go to church. Even if you get scared and need to leave, you still managed to be at church; a place that you love to be at. During your therapy session you should talk to your therapist to see what they say about how to handle seeing him. I’m sorry again that this happened. Just know that we are here for you and you can always write to us to talk about how you are feeling.
    -Alyssa

  8. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    I’m glad you came to share this update. Recovery isn’t linear, and in your case, it’s definitely complicated by your proximity to your abuser. Everything that you’re feeling–hurt, overwhelmed, tired– is so valid. You don’t have to keep a happy face at all times. We’re here for you and are rooting for you. Getting through these experiences are easier when you have a community (like us!) in your corner. Sending lots of good, positive vibes your way!

  9. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,

    Thanks for updating us on how you’re feeling. I want to reassure you that things will be alright, even if they don’t seem like it right now. It’s not fair that you have to carry this weight around with you, and you shouldn’t have to be strong all the time. But things will get better. How you’re feeling is completely valid. It’s hard being in that kind of situation, but you’re doing an amazing job. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. We’re here for you, no matter what. Stay strong! <3

    Marissa

  10. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time. I’m here for you. You can do this, I really and truly believe that. You have come so far. You got this. Don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We care about you.

    Sending you love in this tough time,
    Bre

  11. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear music2799,
    Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with us. Let us hold some of this for you for a while. Please reach out if you are thinking of hurting yourself in any way.
    Sending you a big hug, love, and strength,
    Roxie

  12. zoeyb

    I hear you. If you need to take a breath and just feel this, do it. It’s nice to think that once you start healing and cope with everything that you won’t have any bad days, but they happen, and it’s okay to stop and feel that. You will continue to get through this, I truly believe that. We are always here with you.

  13. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi music2799,
    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this. While my story is different from yours, I understand what it feels like to be around your abuser. I know what it feels like to have that indescribable weight dragging you down. Please know that we are always here to listen to you and support you. You are stronger than you think, and you can make it through this.

  14. Kayla Volunteer

    We are here for you, and things will be all right, I promise. I hope you are feeling better today. I’m sending you love.

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    We are here for you. No advice, just support. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. My situation isn’t the same, but I know what it’s like to continue to be around your abuser. It’s debilitating. We are here for you. Thank you for coming back to share.

    Erin

  16. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello friend,

    Thank you for sharing how you’ve been feeling with us, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I can only imagine how dreadful and emotionally heavy you must be feeling right now. I know it can be really difficult to continue fighting for yourself day after day, especially when you are constantly bombarded by encountering your perpetrator in church. It can be really exhausting and overwhelming, trying to do the right things to care for yourself while also not being able to catch a break or to stop and care for yourself. I imagine you feel as though you’re reaching your limits; in my profession we talk about folks having a “distress tolerance”, which is a way to measure how much distress a person can withstand before they burn themselves out or reach a breaking point, like you mentioned. Everyone’s distress tolerance is different, and some people are able to handle much higher levels of distress than others, and even those with higher distress tolerances reach their limits sometimes. You strike me as a person who has an incredible amount of strength and courage and resilience, and also someone who really needs a break from having to deal with these big emotions. Things must seem and feel impossible right now. Everyone here is committed to providing you with the support and care that you need. I can’t speak exactly to your situation because that is not my experience, but I have felt so overwhelmed by big emotions in the past and I remember just wanting them to stop. I remember not feeling as though I had the strength to get through it and was trying to find ways to relieve the big emotions but struggling to find safe ways to do that. Reaching out to people who I knew cared about me was one of the best things I’ve ever done, and I’m so glad that you feel comfortable enough to reach out to us for support.

    Please know you’re not alone in feeling this way, and that things have the potential to get better. I can’t promise how soon they will, or what that will look like for you, but things can get better. You are such a strong person, just from the little bit you’ve written! Please know that we will always be here to help you process through the big emotions, even if that means just sitting with you while you feel them. Feel free to reach out to if you ever need further support or resources from us.

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  17. musicislove

    I’m so sorry you had to see the person that violated you. What you went through is not your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it. Try to be gentle with yourself and put your time into things that will make you happy if you can. You shouldn’t have to carry the weight of what happened to you it’s not fair to you at all, you should be able to feel peace. Have you talked to anyone about how you’re feeling or what happened in the past? It might lift a huge weight off of your shoulders. Im so sorry you’re hurting and I understand feeling like you can’t do this, but you can. You’re so strong and have made it through so much, you can do this, I believe in you. We’re always here for you and thank you for sharing!

    -Delaney

  18. Solongago Volunteer

    I’m sorry. Anyone would be totally overwhelmed to see this person over and over again. We are here, and we want for you to feel safe. What do you think needs to happen to make you feel safe? What do you want to happen?