Blood, Shame, and Brokenness

Blood, Shame, and Brokenness

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I’m mad today. 

Just really mad. 

Because I’m visiting my home town and getting to drive past the house I was raped in, and knowing that my rapist will never acknowledge what he did to me.

I was 20, my boyfriend of a year at that time convinced me that penetrative sex was the next step in our relationship, and we loved each other, so that was the important thing. I thought I was in complete control of everything, because I knew about consent, and sex. I was a licenced peer counselor at my school. I had training. I knew how to handle it. I knew allllllll the emotional complications and how everything was supposed to work. At least I thought I knew until the day actually came, and I was vulnerable, and naked, and terrified. He was of larger than average size, which is something that our culture tells me I should be excited about (why the hell is that a thing???). Everything starts to go according to plan, and he tries to insert himself. I was tense. I was not ready, even though my logic brain wanted me to be. He pushed, a little at first, and I had never felt such an intense, tearing pain. I gritted my teeth and tears came out of my eyes “Wait no, please wait” I said, still in shock at how much it hurt. I was ignored as he pushed HARDER, and I felt a more sharp intense pain, then nothing, as he finished what he wanted to do. I of course, pretended to enjoy every minute, even though I wanted it to be over-with so badly. When I bled into my underwear for that day and the folllwing, I was too ashamed of myself and scared to tell anyone who could really help me. I texted my best friend, wanting to cry because I didn’t want to go to a hospital, but I also didn’t want to possibly die from this internal wound that would not stop dripping this fresh bright red blood. She urged me to talk to my sister in law, or my mother or anyone who had experience with this and who could talk to me, but I didn’t want my mother to know. I didn’t want anyone to know that I couldn’t protect myself.

I went on to date my rapist for nearly 6 years. I left him because I had matured beyond him, and didn’t want to waste my time anymore. We never talked about our first time beyond me saying “I was scared you know. It hurt, a lot.” And him saying “Yeah well I didn’t know what I was doing. Sorry? Why didn’t you say that?” And inside I’m screaming ‘I TOLD YOU TO WAIT. I TOLD YOU TO STOP.’ but I didn’t want to stir up trouble. 

I never really enjoyed sex with my rapist. To this day, I can’t feel very much during penetration, and if I do it for too long, I start to feel pain, like bothering an old bruise. I don’t know if this is a side effect of what happened to me, maybe my wound was more severe than I’ll know, and I’ll never have a typical sexual experience because of it. My rapist, if I told him now, would NEVER belive me. He did not take our breakup well, and is deadset on labeling me as some girl who led him on with deep internalized issues. I do have issues. Maybe I’ll have them all my life! I’ll never have the justice I want, and I am coming to terms with that. 

To him I would say, if he was reading this right now, for some peace of mind on my behalf “You raped me. You IGNORED MY PLEA. I BEGGED you to wait. Once. And once should have been enough. You are unworthy of women. You are unworthy of sex. You are unworthy of pleasure until you ACKNOWLEDGE your crime to me, and APOLOGIZE.”


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21 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi saturnine,
    I’m so sorry this happened. You didn’t deserve what he did to you. Like you said if u say stop once he should have listened to you. You are strong and brave. You went through a lot, but you managed to make it out stronger than ever. If need anything let us know. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI.
    -Alyssa

  2. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hey Saturnine,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. That takes a lot of courage. I want you to know that we believe you, and we are here to offer you support. You are absolutely right, saying “no” or “wait” once should absolutely be enough for a partner to stop their behavior. Anything beyond that is non-consensual. I’m so sorry that your general experience with sex is tainted by his actions. If you haven’t ever talked to a doctor about the pain you’re experiencing, I would encourage you to do so. There are a number of reasons that penetration could be painful for you that are somewhat serious, so it would be good just to rule those things out. Also if you haven’t, I would encourage you to consider meeting with a counselor or therapist. I genuinely think that everyone would benefit from seeing a therapist a couple times a month. It would give you the opportunity to talk about things that you don’t often get to share, and your therapist would be able to teach you some coping mechanisms and other skills that would help you to heal. Please feel free to come back and up date us on how you are doing.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  3. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear saturnine,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. It is important that these types of stories are shared so that others who have the same types of experiences know that it is not normal, it is not okay, and that they have every right to be hurt and angry. Sadly, my first time was similar to your experience and I think that many others have gone through it as well. It took me a long time to be able to relax and enjoy sex and if I am not completely in the right place (emotionally and mentally), it can still be painful. Please let us know if there is any way we can help you…I know you said therapy isn’t an option right now, but maybe some of our resources in the Find Help tab would be useful.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi saturnine,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all, and it wasn’t your fault. He shouldn’t have ignored you and instead stopped immediately. You’re right; once should have been enough. Your anger is completely valid – what he did was wrong and unacceptable. I understand how not having that closure feels, and it can be incredibly frustrating. Yet he was in the wrong, whether he owns up to it or not. I think it’s important to focus on your healing, be kind to yourself, and take each day at a time.
    Thank you for trusting us with your story – you’re brave for sharing this. If you need anything, please let us know. We’re glad to listen and be here for you. Continue to stay strong.

  5. Zoe Volunteer

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. Please know that your feelings are completely valid, and that you have every right to be mad. What he did was completely selfish and wrong. I know how upsetting it is to feel like your abuser doesn’t even acknowledge the harm they’ve caused, but don’t let that invalidate your experiences. They ARE valid. You’re right, you should only have to say, “Wait” or “Stop” once, and he should have respected that. I’m sorry that you haven’t gotten the apology you’ve wanted, but unfortunately, people like that rarely own up to what they’ve done (at least, not fully, if ever). So we have to learn how to heal without their apologies, or their acknowledgments. And as difficult as it is, the truth is, you don’t need that. Whether he ever admits to it or apologizes or not, what he did WAS wrong. Please know that, and be confident in that. What’s important now is you and how YOU feel, and your own healing. Try focusing on what you can do to help yourself heal. <3

    Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with your story. Please know that we're always here for you, and that you're not alone. We're here to support you. Don't hesitate to reach out again if you ever need.

    Zoe.

  6. Megan Volunteer

    Hey saturnine,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. you deserve to be treated so much better. At least you are no longer with him and you are coming to terms with what happened. You are so strong for that. I don’t know if this helps, but many girls do not feel much during penetration. This is because the biggest source of feeling during sex for girls is the clitoris, which can’t really be reached by simple penetration. Your body’s lack of reaction to penetration may actually just be a normal thing. Everyone’s bodies are different.

    Keep being strong,
    Megan

  7. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi saturnine,

    Your ex’s actions were inexcusable, and it’s good to hear that you recognize the fault was all his, as he should have listened to you when you asked him to stop instead of just ignoring you. It’s totally understandable to feel mad, especially when he doesn’t realize what he did wrong. Please let us know if there’s anything we can help with, and please don’t hesitate on reaching back out again. Take care.

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Saturine,

    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Please remember it was not your fault. Going through things in training and being placed in the situation itself can be vastly different. You did nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you need any additional support please feel free to write again, or explore our resources tab. You’re an incredibly strong individual, and we’re here for you as you continue your recovery journey.

    Take care,
    Becca

  9. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happened to you and that you went through this. None of this is your fault. No means no. Thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope that you are able to get some sort of relief from this.

  10. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happeend to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. And none of this your fault. He shouldn’t have done that and he shouldn’t have ignored you. Please let us know how else we can help you. You are strong and brave and thank you for sharing your story.

  11. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi saturnine,

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. And none of this is your fault. He shouldn’t have done that and he shouldn’t have ignored you. You are absolutely right: he should acknowledge what he did and he should apologize. Healing is a complex process and is not a straight line. It is okay to still be dealing with what is going on. It is important to take it a day at a time. We believe you. And you are not alone. Please let us know what else we can do to help. You are so strong and brave. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Thomas

  12. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry for what happened to you and I hope that the rapist will acknowledge the horrible things he did and that he will receive proper justice for his awful actions. I hope that you will stay strong and persevere!

  13. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, saturnine. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s hard to go home for me too. You have every right to be angry. He should have respected your body and your boundaries. He should have listened to you. I’m sorry you’re still dealing with the side effects. It’s hard not to think the physical and mental effects will last forever. I have faith you can get through this, though. Take it day by day and be gentle with yourself. Yoga has helped me so much in getting back in touch with my body. And as someone else mentioned, I’ve heard physical therapy has really helped some people too. It might take some time to find what is right for you. Please let us know if we can help in any way. We’re here for you.

  14. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You have every right to be mad, you didn’t deserve what happened to you and none of it is your fault. Your boyfriend at the time should have respected your decision and feelings, but instead he betrayed your trust and that was wrong. He took something from you that wasn’t his to take. You were not ready and that’s okay and he should have respected that. It wasn’t okay, however, for him to touch you after you changed your mind. You deserve to be in control of your body. You are right that you should have only expressed your changed feelings one time and that he should have listened, and I’m so sorry that he didn’t. I’m sorry that visiting your home town brings up feelings of anger because of the traumatic experience you went through. You deserve to have justice and peace. You deserve an apology. Regardless of the pain you endured, it sounds like you are trying to continue to move forward and that takes strength. Please continue to stay strong and never give up hope. We are always here for you.

  15. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Saturnine,

    Thank you for sharing your story. We are with you and feel awful for your situation. What your ex did to you was wrong and you shouldn’t have had to experience that. I’m sorry the emotions were stirred up by the visit to your home community. Please keep us updated, if you feel comfortable doing so. We won’t to help in any way possible. We are here for you.

    Ryan

  16. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Saturnine,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s okay – and normal – to feel mad. What happened to you was not your fault. It can be frustrating to have your pleas ignored and the crime go unacknowledged. We all have issues too, it’s figuring out how to deal with them that is important – and it seems you’re doing a great job figuring that out. When you’re feeling angry, is there anything you like to do to release that frustration? It can be a lot to bottle up and handle alone. Deanna’s suggestion of journaling is one great coping skill. I find exercise very helpful too.

    Keep fighting. Sending light your way,
    SFM

  17. Deanna Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing your story. You have every right to be angry. Have you ever tried journaling?

    Sometimes pain can point to an underlying condition, have you seen a gynecologist? I empathize, these things can be really frightening because of the lack of control during the exam. I always just try to talk about something happy during pelvic exams and it’s over before you know it.

    I’m sorry that returning home brought back these memories. We support you here, we believe you. I hope you feel better.

    Deanna

    1. saturnine

      Thanks for the support! All my gynos have reported no abnormalities in those areas of my body, no unusual scarring or ailments, I’m very fortunate in that regard. A lot of it may be mental? I can’t afford a therapist. So it is what it is for now. I’ve never been very good at journaling either 😉 Try as I may.

      1. Juliana331 Volunteer

        I had a hard time writing in a journal. One thing that I found that helped me was a journaling app. When it sends the daily reminder, I just text in whatever is on my mind at the time. Never could put a pen to paper either though no matter what I tried. I am so sorry this happened to you and I am glad that you could share your story here. We are here to support you. Let us know if we can help.

  18. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what this person did to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. I’m not sure if this would help, but I’ve known other women who have experienced pain during sex, but went to a physical therapist for it and it’s been helpful for them. I’m not sure if that’s something you’re interested in, but if it is, you could ask your gynecologist or doctor to refer you. He may never acknowledge what he did, but you know. We know. I believe you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Erin

    1. saturnine

      Thanks for your support!

      I’ve never considered that! Sounds worth looking into at the very least.

      A friend pointed me here after I had an upsetting realization that I wasn’t “over it” after almost a decade. It was empowering to be able to write it down and not feel like I had to hide anything that happened. As much as I want to heal, I don’t want to forget it and the hard lessons I learned about my self worth.