Back to the Beginning

Back to the Beginning

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I’ve been holding this in for almost 27 years. At first I didn’t even think about sharing. I blocked this out of my mind as much as possible, disassociating completely with my childhood. I don’t remember much about my childhood, and my memories are pretty much a blur up to 6th grade.  But when I finally started dating last year, I realized that I have to speak up for myself. I need to even though I’ve not known how. 

3 years ago I sat down with a family member and told them, for the first time ever, that my older brother 5+ years had been sexually assulting me when I was 6 or 7. I had shared with my friends as I was in therapy for rape and was encouraged to find people that i felt safe with sharing these parts of me with. But as I say with my family member sharing this, their expressionless face didn’t say much. I wanted to hear something. Anything. But all they said was, “well, your brother isn’t in a place really tonhear any sort of kind of criticism.” Essentially they were telling me to let it go. So i did. Until I met someone. 

Last January of 2018, I finally couldn’t take it. So I reached out to my brother. We’ve already had a strained relationship and hadn’t talked in years. I was abrupt and awkward and uncomfortable but since he wasn’t going to bring it up, I had to. I text him something along the lines of, “I remember what happened when we were kids. And I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. We need to talk. Please.”  I may have been a little aggressive in my approach but I was just scared to stand up for myself. He didn’t respond. Instead he text my family. One family member lashed out with his wife, telling me that my approach was wrong. My parents said nothing. I’m the youngest of 3, and the only girl. I’ve always sort of felt rejected. Not in a self pity way. Just felt like the odd one out in my family, so there response, though painful, wasn’t shocking. 

My brother molested me as a kid. I remember flashes of moments in my head where I’m naked or he’s having me perform oral on him. It’s gross and creeps me out. So I just don’t want to think about it. But it explains so much of my exposure to sex at a young age. When grandpa is touching and looking lecherously at me, while older brother is molesting me in my own room while the Christian radio stories play in the background. I continued on a path of sexual deviance, first being exposed to porn around 11, sending my first xrated pictures at 14. Getting raped by my first at 18. 

sex has really confused me. I didn’t have my first orgasm, despite my experiences till I was 20 or so. And at that point I had sex with lots of people. I liked it rough. And painful. Still do. Anything to make me feel something different than what I’ve been feeling. The pain and self hate I’ve been hiding. I do t say this to be seductive. I say it because I am confused. So confused. I don’t look at people with attraction or lust. I’ll say “that’s a goodbye looking guy,” and that’ll be that. I don’t get it. It’s like my sex drive is completely broken. Unless I’m alone. And then I cry if I do have an orgasm. 

i was only a kid, when my brother touched me. I feel disconnected from my family. I feel isolated from them, like they don’t care. I know my parents love me. But it’s obvious they don’t k ow how to help me. And though they’d beat us when we were kids, they’ve apologized profusely and made a complete 180°. I guess that’s why I hoped that they’d say more than what they did. Or hearing my dad ask me if I’m sure. 

I know this isbkind if all over the place. I just didn’t know a place like this existed. I never knew that I could write my story. Explain what happened to me with people who would get it. Last year I tried to kill myself. Again. I’ve felt so upset since opening up about what my brother did to me. I’m trying to take back control of my life, though. So I suppose this is a good place to start. 


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28 comments

  1. alexcostello Volunteer

    Dear amnk22,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, it has been incredibly brave and you should be proud of the courage you have shown especially because the reactions you received initially weren’t comforting or reassuring. I am so sorry that this happened to you and want you to know that this is a safe space for you where you can open up about your feelings whenever you feel comfortable and that we are always here to listen and provide support. It can be incredibly discouraging when we confide in people we trust about what we have experienced and their response is dismissive or doesn’t quite provide us the support we need in that situation. Please know that your feelings are valid and they are incredibly important even when people may make you feel like they aren’t. Unfortunately the process of healing is a difficult one because it takes so many twists and turns but I promise you will get there and we will be there for you every step of the way
    Also, as some of the other volunteers have mentioned, please whenever you feel as though you may be in a crisis situation text VOICE to 741-741 they can provide you with some assistance to help you get through those really difficult times.
    – Alex

  2. JFeeney21 Volunteer

    Dear amnk22,

    Thank you so much for coming here with us. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that at such a young age. Please do not blame yourself for what happened or not coming forward about it, everyone takes there own time to figure out when is right to talk about it. Also I am sorry for how your family responded to you telling them and confronting your brother about it. You never know how people will react when you tell your story but being dismissive about it is definitely a terrible way to treat that situation. Thank you for trusting us to share your story with and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

  3. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi amnk22,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s awful that it seems like you were just dismissed when you tried talking to your family about what happened to you. It’s great that you were able to find our website, and that you were able to share your story with us. It’s great to hear that you’re trying to take back control of your life. Please know that we are all in your corner.

    Edjay

  4. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you, and even more sorry that your family didn’t give you the support you needed to really process this. However, it is great to hear that you’ve been in therapy and I hope you’re still attending. Healing is not a straight line, it’s a rollercoaster and it takes a heck of a lot of time, but you can do it. Please keep fighting. Also, if you’re in crisis, please text VOICE to 741-741. You’ll be connected to a trained counselor anonymously who can help you through the worst of the crisis and connect you with even more resources to utilize afterward. We also have resources under our “Find Help” tab that you can utilize. Please keep fighting. If there is anything else we can do for you, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you.
    -Jess

  5. blashea

    Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you were not met with the support and understanding that you deserved. You are brave and strong. Have you considered speaking with a counselor? You can text VOICE to 741-741 to be connected with a counselor anonymously. It is a great way to learn how to cope and process what you went through. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We are all here for you and support you.

  6. SAL Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’re here for you to talk to and use as a tool on your road to recovery. Our find help tab can be extremely useful if you’re looking to see a counselor or therapist. I’m really sorry that your brother did that to you and your family is reacting so poorly. Remember that nothing that happened is your fault and that everything will get better. I hope we can help in some way.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  7. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear amnk22,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that you are having to go through everything with your family on top of what happened to you. You are not alone in dealing with this, we are all here for you and will help in any way we can. Alyssa gave you the number for the Crisis Text Line and RAINN is another great resource. They have a hotline, 1-800-656-4673 and a web-chat at http://www.rainn.org. Both are free, anonymous, and available 24/7. You can come back and write to us as often as you would like as well. Please let us know if there is anything we can help you with.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  8. eagle206

    Hi amnk22,

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us, we believe you and we are here for you. What your brother did to you was wrong, and I am sorry that your family wasn’t supportive when you did reach out to your brother to talk. You did not deserve the way they treated. They should know what they did wasn’t right. You are so strong. Please continue to share any updates or let us know if we can help you in any way! We are here for you.

    Tyler

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi amnk22,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m even more sorry that your family didn’t want to help. You are not alone. You have AVFTI here with you. This isn’t your fault that these things happened to you or that you are now confused. What your brother, grandpa, the person who raped you did to you is their fault. They are old enough to know what they did wasn’t right to do. You are beautiful and strong and don’t deserve to treat yourself less than perfect. Your parents should have taken your side. Event though it was your brother and their son you are also their child and you deserve to be heard, not asked “are you sure” because that is so wrong.
    I’m happy you found AVFTI. We are here for you though your journey of healing and recovery. Remember, this is your story. You can tell it however you want. It doesn’t matter if it is all over the place (I promise it isn’t though). What matters is that you are saying everything you want to say, without getting forced to say something you don’t want to and if there is more that you want to say, by all means you can say it and we will NOT judge you. You are amazing and I am so proud of you for writing your story and having the courage to tell your parents and get help. Also, please do notary to take your life again. You will be missed way too much if you do that. If you need anything, you can always write back, text VOICE to 741-741, or look at the find help tab on the top right corner of this page. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  10. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    First, I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but I am grateful you found our site and have chosen to share here with us. What your brother did is not your fault, and I am sorry that your family was not supportive and there for you when you told them. You are so strong, and brave for sharing your story. Often times, talking about what has happened is a great step within the healing process. Please know that you are alwasy welcome here and we want to support you. Thanks for sharing with us. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  11. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi amnk22,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! We know that is not easy to do. I am sorry that this happened to you and that as a result you are feeling the way that you do today. What your brother did to you was not okay. You did not deserve that! I am also sorry that your family has not been to support yo and have made you feel like the odd one out. That is not fair to you. I am very glad that you found our site and felt comfortable to share your story with us. You can take your life back. What happened does not define you. Sharing what happened to you is a great place to start your journey to healing and being okay again. I am glad that you are still here today. You deserve to keep living and be happy. You deserve the most out of your life. You are so incredibly strong and inspiring. The way you are feeling is completely valid. Please let us know how we can support you.

    Stay strong,
    Natalie

  12. Zoe Volunteer

    I’m so sorry for what you went through when you were younger. Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home with their family, and I’m sorry this wasn’t the case for you. It’s definitely normal that sex seems “confusing” to you as you’ve gotten older, because you got a distorted picture of it when you were younger. Your feelings and experiences are valid. It’s okay to take your time working through these things and figuring out how to navigate your sexuality in healthy ways. Just do whatever makes you feel comfortable, and work through this at your own pace. And if you need periods of time where you don’t do anything sexually with other people, you can totally take that time for yourself. I would just encourage you to try to work through these difficult thoughts and feelings, and to then navigate what you want or what makes you feel comfortable sexually. Healing takes time, so be patient and compassionate toward yourself. It’s okay to feel how you feel, and it’s okay if it takes awhile to figure things out.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. Please let us know if there’s any ways that we can help you further. We’re here to support you.

    Zoe.

  13. Amysue43 Volunteer

    You are so strong to have go so long with such a secret and feelings that had been repressed by those who you tried to reach out to for help. We believe you and support your thoughts and feelings. You are real and what you’ve encountered is real. Just know that you are not responsible for what happened to you and it is not your fault in any way. Every step you’ve taken thus far has been in the right direction! Feel free to keep up updated with your thoughts and progress you are making!

    Amy

  14. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. I’m sorry that you got that kind of reply from your family no one should have to deal with that at all. I want you to know that you can always come here for support and get resources for help. Keep on fighting and stay strong everyone here at AVFIT believes in you.

    -Brianna

  15. Ashley Day Captain

    When you confided in a family member, I’m thinking that their reaction left you feeling defeated. After you told your friends that your brother sexually assaulted you, how did they respond? You deserve to have a support system. Since your parents have changed, it’s not abnormal that you believed they would have responded differently.
    In regards to how you reached out to your brother, it doesn’t sound like you approached him in an aggressive manner. I’m sorry that he didn’t respond and I commend you for taking a stand.
    This is a safe place and none of us are judging you for attempting to die by suicide. We have your back. While you’re working on regaining control, please know that you can keep us updated.

    I believe you, amnk22.

  16. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi amnk22,

    I’m so proud of you for sharing your story with us. I know it can be hard, especially if you’ve been rejected by other people you’ve told in the past. But you’re safe here and we believe you. We’re here for you. I’m so sorry that your family rejected you how they did. It doesn’t matter if “he wasn’t in a place to hear criticism” because you haven’t been in a place to be assaulted. He doesn’t get to be the victim when he’s the one that did this to you. I hope that you can find some support from other safe people, maybe a support group or something, and get a more positive response to sharing what happened to you. You deserve to be heard and taken seriously.

    I’m sorry that life has been so hard and that you thought taking your life was an option. I know everyone says this but things can and do get better. Please stay and see what the future holds for you. Thank you again for sharing and feel free to write back if there’s anything we can do to support you more.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  17. Roxie-heart317 Volunteer

    Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. I’m sorry that you got that kind of reply from your family. I’m glad you found avfti we are here for you ❤️❤️.

  18. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s a difficult thing to share, no matter who with-and I hope that you found it helpful, if even just a little bit, to share. I am so sorry for what you have been through and that you haven’t received the right support-you didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. Are there other supports that we could help you with, like a therapist or support group in your area? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  19. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey
    Thanks for sharing your story with us. Your feeling are valid and none of this was your fault. I am so sorry you had a rough childhood and it is still affecting you till this day. I am happy you are able to work through things with professional and had friends to open up to. If you ever need anything we ahre here for you and just know we fully back you up in your support.

  20. Marissa Volunteer

    Hey amnk22,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I want to begin by saying that your feelings are completely valid, and that nothing was your fault. I’m really sorry you had such a rough childhood and that it is still affecting you to this day, but I’m happy to hear that you are able to work through things with a professional and that you have friends that you trust enough to open up to. That is so important in the healing process. It must be really hard to not get the response you were looking for with your family, and it’s not fair that they dismissed your feelings. I hope you are able to get the closure you are searching for with your brother. You’re so strong for reaching out to him and for finding your way through all of the darkness. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us again. We are here to help you in any way we can!

    Marissa

  21. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there amnk22,

    I appreciate you sharing your story – sometimes we are surprised by our strength to do things. I can tell you’re brave and willing to fight for yourself, which is so inspiring. Your brother had no right to touch you or abuse you – this was not your fault. It’s normal to have flashbacks to things. Our minds are strange things and try to block things out to keep us safe. It can be devastating to not have family support you. I’m so glad you found this safe place for support. If you ever need immediate support or feel you are in danger, please feel free to reach out to our friends at Crisis Text Line. You can reach them by texting VOICE to 741-741. Please keep on fighting. I hear you and I believe you.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  22. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi amnk22,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You didn’t deserve it and none of this was your fault. I am sorry that your family hasn’t been supportive. But you are strong. You have been through so much. And you are resiliant. You are taking your life back. This is a good place to start. Just being able to type out your story and tell it. You’re speaking truth to power. We believe you and we are here to support you. You are not alone. I agree with some of the other responses that a therapist or counseler may be a good next step if you are able to and feel like you’re ready. But you are getting through this and you will get through this. Healing is no a straight line. There are twists and turns. But you take it a day at a time and you’ll get there. We are in your corner, rooting for you. Stay strong! And please let us know what else we can do to help.

    Thomas

  23. music2799 Volunteer

    Hi amnk22,
    I’m extremely sorry this happened to you and that your family isn’t being supportive. That lack of support can feel even worse, and we can feel more alone because of it. Your approach was not wrong. This is your story, and you can share it in any way you see fit. It may have been hard for them to handle the truth, but they should not have lashed out at you for that.
    Through this healing process, we figure out who is able to support us and hear the truth. Unfortunately, sometimes our families can respond in harmful ways, as you’ve experienced. There are still other ways to tell your story and ask for help, so all is not lost. Are you still in therapy? Maybe that could help you process what happened without bottling your feelings. Holding these feelings in can be very destructive. How you’re feeling is valid, and you can take the time you need to heal.
    I’m glad that you’re trying to take control of your life because you deserve happiness and compassion. Your life is valuable. Thank you for sharing your story with us – that takes courage. We’re here to support you, so please feel free to write back if you need anything. Continue to stay strong.

  24. Colton Kim

    You sharing your story on here is so incredibly brave of you. I can see that you are suffering and I am really sorry that you are in such an awful state and that your brother did those horrible things to you and that your family is acting in an insensitive and ignorant manner. I hope that things will eventually work out for you and your parents and that you will continue to stay strong and not despair.

  25. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello amnk22,

    I so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. I am also sorry your family reacted the way they did. You were truly so brave for telling your parents and confronting your brother. This is definitely a good start to taking control. Have you found any one to help you, a therapist or Counselor. Please check out our resources and if there is anything you need please let us know. We are here for you. You deserve peace in your life!
    -Marie

  26. Solongago

    First of all, I am sorry that all of this happened to you, but I am very glad you found this site and your are beginning to work on this. You deserve to have a good life, and this step, though painful and confusing is almost a doorway to the path of accepting good things that life and God has to offer for you.

    Please, you need to find a good therapist, who can help you make a crisis plan for yourself. Because we don’t generally go from ok today, to suicidal tomorrow. Usually, we watch ourselves go down that rabbit hole, and there are signs and patterns we can identify that if we catch them and turn them around, we can prevent the spiral down into our dark place. By recognizing when we need to reach out for help, or change a pattern, that is part of a crisis plan. The rest of the plan is step by step what do I do that I have recognized this. Step one may be to call this friend, step 2 might be to make an appointment. Step 3 might be to evaluate self-care — am I eating, am I sleeping, am I taking my medicine, have I exercised, did I bathe? The thing is, this plan you make for yourself. It should have self-care on it, but also several things you can do that you like to do, things you can do alone, and things you can do with others that will help you feel better. It should also have listed on it the suicide hot line.

    The thing is, suicide can seem like the answer in the moment. And sometimes we do have trouble getting ourselves out of our dark place on our own. But, there have been times where we did not feel like that, and there will be times when we won’t feel like that, if we get through the moments. It is a tragedy when one of us is lost, because of what folks did to us. We need to live. And we need to live well. Some folks say living well is the best revenge. I say no. We do not need to live well to get back at our abusers. We need to live well for us. Because we deserve good things. We’ve had a rough start in life, but that does not have to define us. Yes, we can see the symptoms of childhood sexual abuse in us and how it affected our lives. But we do not need to let it continue to affect us. We can heal. We deserve to heal. We deserve to experience happiness and joy.

    You are not alone and none of this was your fault. You are like my sister. My brothers were the main perpetrators in my life, and it started early, around four, and it went on a long time. My older brother was five and a half years older than me, and the other was 4 years older. My parents disciplined us physically also. And there is a lot of confusion and frustration and opposing feelings around my family as well. I love them. I know they love me. But they did set up an atmosphere where sexual abuse thrived. Also, if they support me in therapy or whatever, it is very painful for them. They love me, but they also love my brothers. So facing what happened to me, means facing shortcomings in how they raised us, and facing that their children did this to another of their children. It’s HARD. In fact, I would rather be me, than my parents or my brothers. Because I have to live with what happened to me. They have to live with what they did to me. I have to heal from things I did to survive. They have to face what they caused to happen to my life. I think my journey is the easier one, whether or not they choose to begin a journey of healing for themselves.

    Both of my brothers were abused prior to abusing me. Yours probably was as well, because they are not born this way. They learn it. Boys are more likely than girls to act out — that is to perform what happened to them onto other children. And I am sure that if that is not curbed it can grow from there in some folks. But there is a beginning to this stuff. And you and I, we are on a path of healing because we want this sort of abuse to stop here. We do not want to set up our homes were abuse thrives. We do not want to take any more abuse — and so many of us choose men that will be abusive, either to ourselves or to our children. So it is important for us to heal so that we attract people who are healthy.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I feel a kinship with you. I want for you to find healing and happiness, and for you to realize every good dream you have for your future.

  27. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. If you are not getting the support you need from your family, have you tried speaking with a therapist or support group? This may help you speak about it with your family as well, or they could even go with you to a session. You deserve to feel supported and safe always. I am glad that you are trying to take back control and work to get better; that is a very tough step to take and you should be proud that you were able to take it. We are always here for you; stay strong <3

  28. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, amnk22. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m really sorry your brother did that to you. I’m sorry your family isn’t more understanding. They should have protected you and they should have listened to you. You deserve to be heard. I believe you and I’m sure you’ll find others here that do as well. I get it. We get it. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I’ve acted out sexually also. It’s not uncommon for survivors. For me, it was another form of self-destruction. Therapy, support groups, and just being listened to have helped me so much in processing what happened to me and getting back in control of my actions. Remember this is not your fault and you don’t deserve to be punished for speaking out. You didn’t ask for this to happen to you, no one does. Let us know if you would like our help connecting you with resources in your area. We’re here for you.