I’ve been holding this in for almost 27 years. At first I didn’t even think about sharing. I blocked this out of my mind as much as possible, disassociating completely with my childhood. I don’t remember much about my childhood, and my memories are pretty much a blur up to 6th grade. But when I finally started dating last year, I realized that I have to speak up for myself. I need to even though I’ve not known how.
3 years ago I sat down with a family member and told them, for the first time ever, that my older brother 5+ years had been sexually assulting me when I was 6 or 7. I had shared with my friends as I was in therapy for rape and was encouraged to find people that i felt safe with sharing these parts of me with. But as I say with my family member sharing this, their expressionless face didn’t say much. I wanted to hear something. Anything. But all they said was, “well, your brother isn’t in a place really tonhear any sort of kind of criticism.” Essentially they were telling me to let it go. So i did. Until I met someone.
Last January of 2018, I finally couldn’t take it. So I reached out to my brother. We’ve already had a strained relationship and hadn’t talked in years. I was abrupt and awkward and uncomfortable but since he wasn’t going to bring it up, I had to. I text him something along the lines of, “I remember what happened when we were kids. And I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. We need to talk. Please.” I may have been a little aggressive in my approach but I was just scared to stand up for myself. He didn’t respond. Instead he text my family. One family member lashed out with his wife, telling me that my approach was wrong. My parents said nothing. I’m the youngest of 3, and the only girl. I’ve always sort of felt rejected. Not in a self pity way. Just felt like the odd one out in my family, so there response, though painful, wasn’t shocking.
My brother molested me as a kid. I remember flashes of moments in my head where I’m naked or he’s having me perform oral on him. It’s gross and creeps me out. So I just don’t want to think about it. But it explains so much of my exposure to sex at a young age. When grandpa is touching and looking lecherously at me, while older brother is molesting me in my own room while the Christian radio stories play in the background. I continued on a path of sexual deviance, first being exposed to porn around 11, sending my first xrated pictures at 14. Getting raped by my first at 18.
sex has really confused me. I didn’t have my first orgasm, despite my experiences till I was 20 or so. And at that point I had sex with lots of people. I liked it rough. And painful. Still do. Anything to make me feel something different than what I’ve been feeling. The pain and self hate I’ve been hiding. I do t say this to be seductive. I say it because I am confused. So confused. I don’t look at people with attraction or lust. I’ll say “that’s a goodbye looking guy,” and that’ll be that. I don’t get it. It’s like my sex drive is completely broken. Unless I’m alone. And then I cry if I do have an orgasm.
i was only a kid, when my brother touched me. I feel disconnected from my family. I feel isolated from them, like they don’t care. I know my parents love me. But it’s obvious they don’t k ow how to help me. And though they’d beat us when we were kids, they’ve apologized profusely and made a complete 180°. I guess that’s why I hoped that they’d say more than what they did. Or hearing my dad ask me if I’m sure.
I know this isbkind if all over the place. I just didn’t know a place like this existed. I never knew that I could write my story. Explain what happened to me with people who would get it. Last year I tried to kill myself. Again. I’ve felt so upset since opening up about what my brother did to me. I’m trying to take back control of my life, though. So I suppose this is a good place to start.