Anyone else?

Does anyone else feel this weird guilt or shame or something after having sex?
My bf and I had sex the other night and it was good. But afterwards I just was laying there feeling like I shouldn’t/didn’t deserve to enjoy it. Does that make sense? 


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28 comments

  1. Gamato04 Volunteer

    I’m very sorry you feel like this. What you are saying does make sense. Have you talked to him about this? Would that help?

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Dogscoffeebooks,

    I am so sorry that you feel like this. I agree that sometimes I do feel this way. It can depend on who it is with and the situation but I think sometimes maybe it was because I said yes but didn’t really want to. Sometimes after, even if the sex is good, the feelings aren’t fully there. It makes sense that sometimes people feel weird after sex. There are so many emotional layers to having sex with someone and this can be overwhelming. Please continue to share with us here. We are all here for you,

    Tyler

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Dogscoffeebooks,
    I am so sorry you feel like this. I have felt like that in the past and I know exactly how you feel. For me it was because I said yes, but I didn’t really want to do it. I also felt like I was getting used by the guy, but If you love your boyfriend and he loves you, I don’t think he would be using you. I think you should talk to him because if this is how you are feeling maybe he can help you figure this out. Don’t feel like you don’t deserve to have sex. If you are doing it with someone you love and care about it should be an enjoyable, loving experience. I’m sorry you felt like this. If you need anything please don’t be afraid to write back. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI.
    -Alyssa

  4. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing with us and having the courage to open up about these feelings. Iit’s normal to have thoughts and feelings after having sex, Do you have a support system, like a close friend or therapist, that you could talk this out with? If not maybe talking to a therapist would help. Again thank you so much for sharing with us and if you ever need anything please come back to us. Stay strong

    Brianna

  5. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Your feelings are real and normal. Typically, the guilt might come from a spiritual perspective as it does for myself. However, sex is very normal and healthy as long as it is carried out with respect and care. As we support you and your feelings, I would like to ask why you think you may feel this way. You may answer this question if you feel comfortable doing so. We are here for you and will support you in your future posts if you choose to do so.

    Sending love!
    Amy

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      I think it’s because after what happened, I feel like I shouldn’t enjoy certain things/types of sex..if that makes sense.

  6. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Dogscoffeebooks,
    Thank you for sharing with us and having the courage to open up about these feelings. I believe it’s normal to have many thoughts and feelings after having sex, but I wonder if maybe there’s something going on that makes you feel like you shouldn’t be enjoying being intimate with your boyfriend. Do you have a support system, like a close friend or therapist, that you could talk this out with?

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      I do have my therapist thankfully. I think it’s because of the types of sex I enjoy, i feel like I shouldn’t like certain things. Idk it’s judt complicated.

  7. Megan Volunteer

    Hey dogscoffeebooks,

    It totally makes sense. I have felt this way before as well. It’s a weird feeling and I wish I knew why that happens so I could give you some advice, but I myself haven’t figured it out. I hope this is something you can work through, and we support you through all of it.

    I wish you the best,
    Megan

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi dogscoffeebooks,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You’re definitely not alone in your feelings. I’ve had some similar experiences with my partner of nearly 11 years. I understand your feelings, and they’re completely valid. You do deserve to be happy and to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. I think speaking to your therapist is a great idea as you continue your healing journey. Best of luck to you. 🙂

  9. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi there Dogscoffeebooks,
    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us, it takes a lot of courage to open up and to share your feelings and your concerns so I want you to know that anything you feel or think or want to express is always safe in this space.

    I think sex can definitely bring out a variety of emotions in us particularly because of both the interconnection of the physical and emotional elements. Particularly when you have experienced trauma it can be hard to process this relationship between the physical and emotional elements and can often result in a great deal of confusion. I think the best advice I can give, because recovery does look different to everyone, is not to be too hard on yourself as you work through it. Too often it feels necessary to punish ourselves for our feelings that seem different or out of the ordinary, but anything you feel is completely valid and we are here for you.

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      I think that’s great advice. Thank you!

  10. Dogscoffeebooks

    Thank you to everyone for being so kind and supportive. I appreciate it very much. It’s nice to know there are people who understand.

  11. rkr18 Volunteer

    Dogscoffeebooks,
    Thanks for sharing your concerns. If you are feeling guilt, it could be from some underlying issue you may not be aware of. We all deserve to feel joy and happiness.

    -Marie

  12. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Dogscoffeebooks,
    The effects of assault are different for everyone, and how you’re feeling is valid. You’re not alone when it comes to feeling this way. That being said, you deserve to enjoy sex. You are worthy of having wonderful experiences. There is a difference between saying it and fully believing it, which is important to work through. I think talking about this with your therapist is a great idea because she may give you some more insight on how to work through these feelings.
    Thank you for updating us – we’re happy to hear from you. Please update us if you need anything. We’re here for you, and we’re glad to help.

  13. Jess Volunteer

    Your feelings are completely valid. Everyone responds to trauma differently. I saw in the comments that you’re planning to discuss this with your therapist and that’s awesome! Let us know if you need anything else at all. We are always here and we believe you.
    -Jess

  14. mkyuellig Volunteer

    hi dogscoffeebooks,

    first of all, your feelings are completely valid. a lot of survivors struggle with feelings of shame and guilt surrounding sex, that’s completely normal. not to mention that our culture in general has a very unhealthy stigma around sex. sex between two consenting adults is amazing, beautiful, and something that has been part of life since its beginning. you 100% deserve to enjoy sex and feel good

    stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Dogscoffeebooks,

    Thanks for sharing with us again. I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid, but that you DO deserve to enjoy sex. Just remember, there is no “normal” reaction to things. Everyone is different. You deserve to feel good though, no matter what. Please don’t forget that.

  16. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    It must be confusing to feel this way, but know that your feelings are valid and normal. You are deserving of positive sex experiences, as Erin mentioned. You are not alone. We are here for you.

    Carmen

  17. blashea

    Hi, your feelings are completely valid and normal. I hope you know that there is nothing wrong with what you’re doing. Have you considered speaking with a therapist/counselor? It could help you to find healthy coping mechanisms. Thank you for continuing to trust us with your story. We are all here for you!

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      I do have a therapist, I think we will start with the trauma stuff soon. ??

  18. Jordan L Volunteer

    Hello!
    I did the first few times after I realized I was sexually assaulted. Now that I have been through therapy and learned coping mechanisms I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe this is something you can look into?
    It’s going to be hard for a while. It really takes a toll on yourself mentally, emotionally and even physically. I want to let you know that your assault does not define who you are. You are so much more. You are strong. You are beautiful. You deserve to be happy despite the terrible thing that happened to you. Don’t let it take away your happiness or enjoyment out of things you love.
    Feel free to keep us updated on your journey! We are always here for you!

    -Jordan

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      It’s been 7 years and most of the time I don’t have these feelings..just every once and a while they are there.
      Your words mean a lot to me. I will keep reminding myself that I am not defined by this.
      I hope to address this with my therapist soon.

  19. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hey there, Dogscoffeebooks,

    After traumatic experiences, the things that we associate with that particular experience can sometimes cause flashbacks to cause an internalized negative connotation. You are not alone in this feeling and it is completely normal and valid.
    Thank you for keeping us informed and updated!

    Always,
    Andy

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      It just sucks because I’ve been with this person for 7 years now and i still get these feelings. But I will keep working through this.

      1. andyspringer Volunteer

        I completely understand. I have been with my fiancée for a long time now but I still show residual signs or react to certain triggers caused by prior abuse. I absolutely sucks. But a good partner is understanding, patient, kind and empathetic. I sincerely hope your partner of 7 years is all of these things and more. I hope they are with you and on your side just like we are. I am proud of you for being determined to keep working on this and even more so thankful that you’ve kept us updated.

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thanks for coming back to check in with us. I think a lot of sexual assault victims feel shame in their sexual experiences afterwards-I know I’ve felt some level of that personally. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of-you deserve to have positive sexual experiences. I think for me, speaking about this in therapy has really helped me deal with these deep-rooted feelings of shame-if you need help finding a therapist in your area, let us know.

    Erin

    1. Dogscoffeebooks

      I’m glad that others understand what I’m going through. It doesn’t happen all the time just sometimes. Rationally I know I deserve satisfying sexual experiences; those thoughts just hit me in the gut sometimes.
      I have therapist now that I like, I will let her know that I would like to discuss some of these things.