Another week…

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I am still struggling with the relationship.  I feel so vulnerable in therapy.  To go back and “sit with the feelings” it is hard to get past the fear, it generally is all I feel in my body, my arm and side going stiff and feeling a band around my chest, tightening.  If I press, try to make it stiffer during the EMDR, I get angry.  But how that feels in my body, how it differs from the fear, I really don’t know.  I wonder if I am detached from the feelings to the point that there just isn’t much difference. 

I told Angela that if we get past the fear and then the anger, there is a well of sadness.  But thinking about it, I think it is the hurt that I am afraid of facing.  I think I need someone I can trust, I need to trust Angela not to further hurt me if I let myself feel that.  That isn’t as nuts as it sounds.  And it doesn’t help that Karen really hurt me.  The thing is, whenever I let my mom know that she was getting to me, if she was berating me for something or punishing me, it kind of egged her on.  I mean, maybe it enraged her to see me act afraid of her.  I have felt that when I’ve had a dog act fearful of me, like I would never hurt the dog, I had never hurt the dog, and it’s acting scared because I raised my voice, it can be infuriating.  But there’s a difference.  I realized that if I have a dog that is that sensitive, like my Arwen, then I need to back down and I need to change my tactics because she could not thrive in an atmosphere where I was yelling.  So I had to change.  I had to understand that this bitch wanted to please me, and if she did not get something right it was because I did not communicate what I wanted to her properly.  

Arwen went on to be one of the best bitches ever.  I put her in the ring three times for her obedience title and she earned the blue ribbon for each of those legs to get her title.  But anyway, in the beginning, see that dog hide when I got the leash out infuriated me.  Because I loved her like crazy and I would never hurt her in a million years.  And maybe my mom felt something like that when I acted scared.  

But my mom did hurt us.  Ok, she did not break our bones.  But when Brian went to the hospital with a broken collar bone when he was about 11, he had welts up and down his back from where my mom whipped him the day before with her extension cord.  That was her tool of choice.  When I was eight, I turned eight in the third grade so that is how I know how old I was, Mrs. Hersimaki gave me 42 swats for not getting 21 things done on my lists.  When I got home, that night, my mom gave me 20 more with her extension cord.  So I was afraid of her.  I was afraid of her because she would get mad at times and go after us.  She would be mad and say, “Bring me the extension cord!” and then you had to go get it and bring it to her.  Or she would say, “Get in this room!” as she stood in the doorway with it in her hand, and you had to go by her to get in that room and she would then hit you several times with it.  

So, I am afraid of the hurt feeling.  Going back with EMDR, feels like I am back at those ages, and I just don’t feel safe at all.  So it sucks.  When I told Angela that I don’t like EMDR, she said, “I am aware.”  

I suppose I want to be confident, like she knows what is best and is taking care of me in this process.  Or I want her to provide the safety I think I need to go back into all that mess.  I have been dissociated or detached from the actual feelings for so long that I can speak about it or write about it without feeling anything at all.  The EMDR therapy makes me try to experience and process the feelings.  And it is hard.  

It is hard because week after week I say the same things:  “What are you feeling?”  I feel stiff on the one side, can’t move my arm.  Can’t move my side.  

Angela said last week, “… but we are in it for the long haul.”   And this week, she said that we all go over things over and over again.  I mentioned that I should be over the stuff with my mom by now.  She said I have a right to be angry with those who did not protect me, or who hurt me for as long as I need to be.  

I feel the same terror of talking about it that I did when I was small.  It is hard to separate what was then and what is now.  I mean, I can talk about what happened and no one can hurt me about it now.  When I was a kid, yeah, they might have sent me to the Jones’ Home, they might have beaten me, or shunned me, or killed me.  But now they can’t.  And I know that, but it does absolutely nothing to the terror of talking about it.  That it feels terribly disloyal too, is another thing.  

I make a big talk about not caring if they shout it from the mountain tops, but I am really still scared to death to say what my brothers did to me.  I don’t want to hurt their kids.  I don’t even want to hurt their wives.  Sometimes, because I am so detached from the feelings, I wonder if what they did really affected me all that badly.  But what they did changed my entire life.  They are the reason I never found a husband or had children of my own.  When I was 17, I had a male friend I met at our book shop.  He was 32.  He took me out a few times, mostly to truck stops where we got coffee and talked about everything.  I was in college, so he may have thought I was older.  I think when he found out I was 17 he stepped out of my life for 2 years.  When he came back, we went out once or twice, and he asked me if it was ok to take the long way home.  Ok — I really did not know what that meant.  But we stopped at an old log cabin and he got a blanket out of his car and we sat on it, and he started “making out.”  I froze and was so scared I couldn’t do a thing.  He stopped, he did not force me to do anything. That was my last date.  32 years ago.    And seeing my brothers going on with their families, watching their kids graduate from college and move on, really, really sucks.  So my parents’ lack of protection, and my brothers and others criminal actions, hurt me bad.  

Ok, I’m rambling now.  That’s where I am at right now.  


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39 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there Solongago,

    You have been through so much, so it makes sense that you would have a hard time processing this new kind of therapy with Angela. It is forcing you to be out of your comfort zone, to face your feelings and emotions head on. It can be hard to unpack emotions that you have tried to bury deep down for quite some time. I know that it has been a long time since everything has happened, but I think you have every right to still feel anger and sadness not only regarding the actions from your mother, but your brothers as well. It doesn’t sound like you ever had closure from these members of your family, which can make moving on with your life much more difficult. You were impacted the most by the actions of these people, while on the other hand it doesn’t seem like suffered any consequences. This is what can make therapy so difficult and hard to push through. I really hope that things continue to work well between you and Angela, she seems to be a good fit for you thus far.
    I think that once you’re in a better place emotionally and mentally that finding relationships (whether platonic or romantic) will be the next step for you, and just like Marissa said below, I don’t think it is ever too late. 🙂 you deserve to find love and happiness just as much as anyone else. Sending hugs your way. <3

    – Jordan

  2. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for posting again. How you’re feeling is completely normal. It understand how it would be difficult to have that internal fight – whether to speak out about what happened to you because it’s YOUR story, or keep it to yourself to prevent your family from being hurt. I think you’re making good progress with Angela. It’s totally expected that you are hesitant to trust her after what happened with Karen, and you’re allowed to take your time opening up to her about everything you’ve gone through. Take things one step at a time. You can do it!

    As for your dating life, just remember it’s never too late. My old boss was 81 and he was dating still! Take things slowly, at your own pace. Forcing yourself into an uncomfortable situation will just make things worse. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing right now. You’re on the right track 🙂

    Marissa

  3. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It sounds like you’re still working through a lot of the harm that you’ve experienced. It’s a lot of hard work to regain those feelings and process them. Like Angela said, you’re in it for the long haul. There is no set timeline for getting over things, so try to not hold yourself to the expectation that you should be over something by now. You’re doing great, keep it up.

    KatherineL

  4. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m really sorry that your family is not more loving and hurt you a lot. I hope that there is someone else in your life who cares for you unconditionally (Angela maybe?) or that you will be able to find someone like that.

  5. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again, Solongago,

    I understand what you’re saying about getting to that well of sadness by unpacking past your anger. I feel the same way in therapy, so I have a tendency to avoid breaking that down. I think that, in your case, it does come from the feeling of not being safe. Especially since you’ve felt that way since you were a child, I imagine that’s hard to fight back against in therapy. Being vulnerable and sitting with your feelings doesn’t make you weak. I know that you know that, but I think it’s good to hear it again sometimes. I think that it’s also frustrating to feel like you’re rehashing and re-experiencing the same things every week in therapy. It’s hard to be patient with yourself. I think that you’re right where you need to be, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

    It’s also so valid that you have been dramatically impacted by your trauma. You aren’t broken or less than because you don’t have the same family dynamics as your brothers. Their actions impacted you and shaped your life. I understand that fear of outing them and hurting their families–it’s the same reason that I’ve never named my abuser in public. It sucks. But these are feelings that you’re having, and you are always welcome to share them with us! You’re capable of incredible things just by sharing your story. Try to remember to stay present and give yourself some credit.

  6. Neesha Volunteer

    Solongago,
    I’m glad to hear that you are continuing therapy and learning to sit with the feelings. It is not an easy process coming back into your body. Its scary and it makes sense that you are afraid your therapist isn’t safe enough. It is hard to trust anyone with our vulnerability, especially when the adults in our life treated us so poorly. I am sorry that your mother didn’t comfort you and instead hurt you. Your anger is a normal response to being treated so unjustly. Talking about it of course is bringing up the same feelings of terror as when you were a child. Being angry and working on healing isn’t the same as wanting to hurt someone. Its okay to want to say your truth and have them hear you.

    Thank you for sharing and keeping us updated on your journey.

  7. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking about what happened when you were a child. In a lot of the healing practices I follow, one of the most important things is recognizing your inner child. That is the part of your brain that was hurt and it stays the same age as when that hurt first happened until you do the work to reparent it. Your brain feels exactly the same as it did when the hurt happened and will use the same body response until you teach it another way. This might be something you want to look into that may help you move through EMDR; it also may not be something that works for you.
    You certainly were affected by what your brothers did and you have the right to be angry about it. Being angry doesn’t mean that you want to ruin their lives, but you can still want them to feel remorse and to apologize to you. Life after abuse isn’t easy and we often aren’t given the support we need, but we are here to listen.
    Sending you love and strengh,
    Roxie

  8. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    It makes sense that you’re struggling to acknowledge the deeper feelings. It may be that since expressing your pain led to negative consequences in your childhood (through no fault of your own), it’s more difficult to acknowledge your pain in the present. It can be hard to process wounds from your past, and that’s understandable. I agree with Angela; you do have a right to be angry about not being protected. You’re not being disloyal by feeling angry about how you were treated. Anger can show us that our boundaries are being violated in some way, and it can be a call to action.
    I believe that Angela cares about your healing and genuinely wants the best for you. It can take time to trust, especially when we’ve been hurt before, and that’s valid.
    Thank you for updating us. You’re committed to this journey, and I’m excited to see what you do next. We’re here to support you, and you can get through this.

  9. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. Its nice to see you frequently updating us and trusting us with your story. I’m sorry that you are struggling with the EMDR therapy. I hope that things work out and you are able to get the help you are looking for out of it in the long run. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  10. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing! I’m sorry your mom hasn’t been receptive to your feelings like you deserve, and has hurt you. It must have been exhausting and terrifying to be in an environment like that. It’s understandable to struggle with the therapy process, and you demonstrate real insight in the way that you’ve acknowledged that. Remember that just the fact that you’re in therapy shows how strong and committed you already are. You got this!

    -Rachel

  11. Shari Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Welcome back! Thank you for sharing with us again. I know your previous posts touched upon your feelings regarding EMDR. It appears you’re experiencing similar sentiments this week as well. I want to remind you those feelings of anger, sadness, fear are completely valid. It’s difficult having to express those feelings in therapy. However, I am happy you are still giving EMDR a chance. Remember, you can also discuss with Angela if you feel this isn’t the right fit for you. Some people need other methods of therapy to promote healing from their trauma and it’s important that you take care of yourself and don’t overwhelm yourself in the process. Like others said, healing isn’t linear. You go through the motions of feelings and emotions regarding trauma and it can impact you if it’s too much at once. So, please share what makes you comfortable to Angela. I suggest you keep track of your physical sensations like meg said, maybe there’s a baseline! It’s a way to track your progress. Sharing your experiences here are also helpful to release some tension and receive the support you need. Regardless of what decisions you make, we will be here for you and standing by your side.

    Sending love and support,
    Shari

  12. jna0297 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    First off, thank you for sharing with us. I appreciate how open and trusting you are with all that you tell us. Speaking from personal experience believe it is important to find an outlet you feel safe to go to when you are struggling a little and do not know what to do and I would like to thank you for that. I like your story that you shared with us about Arwen, I am glad that you found a way to solve the issue and figure things out on a deeper level. I appreciated your story and I am thankful that you found this site as a place to go. Thank you again Feel free to check out our “Find Help” tab to see if there are resources near you that may help you work through these experiences. Or if things get too emotional Text “VOICE” to 741-741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor.

  13. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Solongago!
    Another week. Another time I get to thank you for sharing more of your healing journey. I am so honored that I can be a part of that! I think for you to have stuck with Angela as long as you have is not only a great sign, but it shows dedication & determination. I also think Angela knows how you feel but because of your fears, (I think she know that too) she’s going at your pace. I think she may keep going over the same things because she not only is with you for the long haul, but also she cares. I believe she keeps taking you back to your body & lack of feeling in it, so you can reach deep inside & find those feelings so you can once & for all feel & be free. It’s not easy, I know believe me. You had mentioned that what happened can not hurt you if you do feel. It is so hard to let yourself go & fully feel those feelings. I still think if I truly feel what I need to, I might loose control completely. Maybe in some way, fear is holding you back because you may not know what that feeling really is like to let it go. It sounds like during your sessions, Angela can be trusted, but with your past experiences, it makes it difficult to process. You can do it! Please don’t allow fear to hold you captive! You might be amazed once you allow yourself to just experience those feelings, how much of a release it will be & how much freer you’ll be. Body memories have strange ways of keeping us back. I discovered once I gave my self permission to work through those body memories, (I first had to feel safe) then the physical pains I had before, & while talking, they seemed to lessen. I hope you can find your way & figure out these feelings so you can continue on! Keep trucking along! You can do this! The fear only has the power if you allow it. Having a fear like you do, is understandable, but stand strong & take some deep breaths, & say to yourself, I got this. I can do this. I am worth it! I deserve it! Take breaks, but know that you will get through this. Don’t leave because of a fear. Allow Angela to walk with you!
    Dawn

  14. Monty Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for coming back and sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you feel the EMDR sessions aren’t doing the best for you. Hopefully in time it will help and Angela seems like she is very good with you. I’m so happy that you are still putting in the work and keep going because you never know it might turn around and help some!
    Monty 🙂

  15. meg Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I am sorry that you are feeling so worn out from your EMDR sessions with Angela. It’s like reopening a wound to help it heal properly. It’s exhausting but I believe in you and the work you are doing with Angela. Healing isn’t linear. Maybe it would be beneficial to track for yourself the very specific physical sensations you are having with the EMDR each week? That way you can have a way to hold your progress in your hands. Knowing that some weeks will be better, but there is always growth and healing. I am so sorry for the hurt your brothers and parents put you through.. You are working hard and I am proud to read how you are working through these traumas every week. You are becoming more and more honest and in tune with yourself. It’s incredible. Be kind to yourself, you are doing everything you can.
    -Meg

  16. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    Welcome back! I’m grateful to see your name pop up again, you always do a great job expressing what you’re currently feeling through writing. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a difficult time in therapy, I know that it’s hard. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things a person could do for their mental health as it involves reliving every hard or painful thing that’s happened to us. You are very brave for taking on this challenge, and I know that you will come out the other end victorious and happy with the results. After all, hard work always pays off and you are doing some very hard work.

    Thanks again for coming by and I hope that I see your name come up again soon!

  17. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thanks for coming back to share with us. I am sorry to hear that the EMDR technique has been such a challenge for you both physically and emotionally. Therapy is not easy, but it sounds like Angela is confident that this technique will be the most helpful and beneficial for you in the long run. I hope that with time and more sessions, the EMDR will bring less stress. Keep pushing through this!

    We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  18. Hugo Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    Thank you for coming back to us and trusting us with your story. I’m sorry to hear that EMDR brings back the trauma of what happened before. I hear you and your feelings are valid. You are very strong and fearless for getting through the therapy sessions. The road to recovery is not a straight line, but it is a pathway that you will get through. Keep pushing and don’t give up. Please let us know if you need anything, we are here for you!

    -Hugo

  19. JWorks Volunteer

    SoLongAgo,

    Thank you for coming back. It’s always heartening to see someone continue to reach out as you have for so long. I’m sorry your EMDR therapy isn’t going as smoothly as you had hoped. I hope it gets easier for you. Stay strong and keep moving. Keep us updated.

    -Jay

  20. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I am sorry that the EMDR has been taking such a toll. I had asked in the past if you have talked about other strategies with Angela, but perhaps given your experiences she considers EMDR may be the most helpful for you. I don’t blame you for how you are feeling about it however. I hope that it ends up having the desired outcome for you. It sounds like there have been many layers to the trauma that you have experienced in your life so please don’t get discouraged about the time it takes to heal from them. You have been doing an amazing job sticking with the EMDR and continuing to see Angela. Sometimes it’s best to just take it one day at a time and be proud of the accomplishments from that day so that you don’t feel too overwhelmed. I hope that you have a good week ahead!

  21. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you’re going through this and having to try and manage these feelings that can be overwhelming. You’ve put a lot of work into your recovery and I think it’s important that you recognize this every day. You are having second thoughts about EMDR but you continue to go because you know that it will benefit you in the long run. You are willing to continue in your recovery because you want to get better. These are all things that show you how strong you are. Your willingness is going to get you places!
    Stay strong <3

  22. arascon37 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    Thank you for sharing your story. You have gone through so much and of course it is tough, but the fact that you’re willing to make an effort to help heal for yourself is amazing. You will get through this. Do not give up and continue to be strong.

  23. pvb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I have read bits of your story in the past and do not know the entire story, but am trying to update myself on the full story, but from my understanding is that you still have a lot of strain from these emotions that you are trying to deal with and it is important that you deal with these things. We appreciate that you are updating us about your progress with EMDR and Angela. Your feelings are valid and will forever be so. Healing comes on its own pace, and although the treatment may not be the best at the moment, it ultimately could benefit you. I hope you give it a little longer try and if really isn’t working for you then you can be persistent with your feelings towards it. I am glad that you are expressing yourself though. It is important you do so. It is okay to ramble especially here. Feel free to always tell us how you are feeling. Any way we can support you, we will do it to our best of our ability. Thank you for sticking around. Stay strong and much love.

  24. zelda Volunteer

    Thank you for the brave post, S.

    I don’t know your full story, but I do know that you’ve experienced a lot of abuse and trauma at a really young age. Your mom hurt you, and so did your brothers. It makes perfect sense to detach and disassociate from those painful memories, as a way to protect your psyche from even more pain.

    I can definitely relate to the frustration, anger, and sadness when your abusers are out living a beautiful life, as if their heinous actions had no impact on you at all. It’s very upsetting, and you have a right to feel any way you want to.

    You deserve so much more than what you were given. While you can’t time travel back to the past and change events, you have the ability to change the course of your future. Not only can you have a happy and fulfilling future, but you deserve one too.

  25. Dayana143 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    I’m sorry things are tough for you right now, but you will get past through this. I admire your dedication and strength to heal. You are a fighter, and I know you have what it takes.
    Therapy is a difficult task, but what matters is that you won’t give up. That says so much about you. Continue to be a fighter!

  26. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you so much for coming back here to update us. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this right now. I understand that you’re feeling overwhelmed and all over the place, but you are entitled to feel that way. It is also understandable that you’re afraid of facing hurt. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to seek the support you expect from your family. I’m sorry EMDR hasn’t gotten better so far but I can tell that you’re really adamant on getting past this seemingly torturous stage of therapy to one that starts promoting your personal growth. I encourage you to hang in there and keep fighting. We’re all here to support you through your healing journey. All the love.

  27. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago
    I am sorry that you are struggling with these feelings right now. I can that while the process is difficult. We are here for you hang in there. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

  28. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I’m sorry that you are struggling with these feelings right now. I can say that while the process is difficult, especially when you bump into a wall like this, you are doing a wonderful job. I admire your dedication to healing. I think sharing that you are scared here may help you move forward. Sometimes fear is one of the most difficult emotions to capture and address. Our brains immediately click over to survival mode in the presence of fear and it’s very difficult to switch back OFF. You’re not alone in your struggles. We’re here for you. Hang in there!

    Look forward to hearing from you again soon.
    All the best,
    Becca

  29. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for updating us! I see you’ve talked to Angela about your not so pleasing feelings towards EMDR, and according to her response it might mean she sees a good future in lights of still using that form of therapy for you, I hope it works out well.

    As for the fear and hurt–you have every right to feel them for as long as you hold them in your mind. The fact that the roots of why you feel that way happened decades ago doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.

    It takes time, but it’s completely worth it. Healing is different for everyone and I’m sure you’re aware of that, I hope this journey gets easier for you, you truly deserve it.

    We are here for you. Stay safe,

    sol.

  30. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share. I know that even if you have been in therapy for a long time, it can still be exhausting and difficult to do. I’m glad you still are, and I hope that you are taking some time today to care for yourself.

    Erin

  31. tolleytn Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I want to firstly thank you for another update. I understand your fear and apprehension with your family and Angela, but I think it might be worth reflecting on Angela saying you’re in it for the long haul. It is going to be a very long journey as I’m sure you already know. I hope I’m not sounding too much like a broken record in saying that healing takes time. As you continue to work with Angela, I’m sure that it’ll get easier. I wish you the best of luck and please do not hesitate to provide us with another update. Hope to hear from you soon and stay safe. <3

    -Tiffany

  32. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for updating us on how you are doing. I’m so sorry that your family was not supportive of you like they should be. I hope the therapy gets easier for you. We’re always here for you when you want to talk!

  33. smarti14 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I am sorry you are going through this feeling of fright and anger. Often we have all this anger built up because we fear to face it. Sometimes confiding in others is the hardest thing to do, even if it is our therapist. Remember to take everything that is happening day by day, try to not overwhelm yourself and your mind. Please take care of yourself. Remember that you are you, you are important, you are tough and beautiful. Stay strong.

    Warm Regards,
    Suzy M.

  34. nessa1695 Volunteer

    Hey friend,
    Thank you for constantly updating us on your progress and where your at in the moment. Like my peers have stated, don’t feel like your rambling its okay to express your self here and share with us as much as you’d like. “Siting with your feelings” is very hard, we don’t want to relive those very tough moments/ feelings from the past. Your feelings and thoughts of EDMR are valid and understandable. Angela has your best interest in mind, trusting her completely would be great but trusting some one can be hard when your trust has been broken. So I understand if it takes you some time to get there completely. I’m glad you mentioned to her that you did not like it and she is aware, this could be a small step to trusting her.
    I’m sorry that your brothers were able to go on with their lives knowing they’ve hurt you and you weren’t protected by your parents. No one should have to go through what you’ve been through, but it only makes you stronger! Keep being strong I hope next week is better for you.
    -Nessa

  35. hina.jawaid Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    I am sorry that you are feeling scared and angry but what you have been through is tough. It is absolutely fine to have these feelings. Going through Therapy is hard because we recall memories that we are trying to push back. you are doing right thing by going to therapy. Your mom should try to understand you and may be should give you comfort that you deserve. You are a brave woman please stay strong.
    I hope you feel better.
    Take care.

  36. musicislove

    Hi Solongago,

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. I understand struggling with therapy, it’s a stressful process especially when you’re doing EMDR. I know your experience with Karen was bad but I feel like you can trust Angela, she’s been pretty consistent with you, and her telling you she’s “in it for the long hall” is more assurance to me. I can’t imagine how upsetting it must be to see your brothers getting on with their lives after what they did to you and you should have had your parents protection, I’m sorry you didn’t. Thank you for always trusting us and I look forward to reading future posts. Try to be gentle with yourself this week.

    Delaney

  37. Jay Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for constantly coming back and updating us! We look forward to hearing what you say, good or bad, because we love to hear your progress and want to help you in anyway we can! please continue to come back and share. I am so sorry that you feel like you are “rambling’. Anything you say on here is important and you need to realize that. I am also sorry things are hard, but continue to push through everyday because you are a fighter! Keep giving Angela a chance to help you, you may not see it now but she will make a difference in your life. I wish you well!

  38. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m sorry that things are hard right now. I think that Angela is different from Karen and I think she does want what’s best for you. Her saying that she is in it for the long haul and that she validates how you feel about your anger towards your mom shows she cares. If you can, try to trust her because therapists don’t want to hurt you or make you not feel better.
    I’m sorry what your mom did and I think that if emdr brings back all those memories of your mom whipping you or your teacher whipping you, you should tell Angela because emdr shouldn’t make you feel like that. I’ve done emdr and for me I really tried to like it but it wasn’t for me. Everyone is different. Everyone recovers at a different time. Everyone needs different treatment. It is okay to speak up and say that you want to try something else. Angela might know you don’t like emdr but if you can try to tell her why and hopefully that will help you feel better too.
    Thank you for updating us. Hopefully next week is better.
    -Alyssa

  39. colton95 Volunteer

    Feel free to ramble whenever and however long you want. I definitely need to ramble from time to time. I hope that those who hurt you will be put away for a very long time somehow, and that Angela will become more trustworthy and caring or continue to be.