So many good things have happened in the past few weeks:
1. The tires and tubes, seat and gloves I ordered for my bicycle came a week ago Friday, and I got it going and I’ve been riding pretty much every night. I rode a LOT from about 15 to 30 something. Which means for almost twenty years, I haven’t ridden at all. In my early thirties I rode from Denmark, Ohio to Dunkirk NY one Sunday from 2AM until 11AM. 100 miles. This is the bike I kept in my living room and it now I have it in my parents’ garage for easy access so I can ride regularly. I wanted to wait until I was down to a reasonable wait to ride my racing bike, but I finally decided that if I did that, I will never ride again. I ride every night and it feels like flying.
2. I got my review on Thursday. Out of 5, I got a 4 over all. 4 is “exceeds expectations.” I did not get any 5s, which is “near perfect.” And I got some 3s with is “meets expectations.” But I am pretty satisfied with a 4 over all. And I don’t have to go through that for another year, yay!
3. I took my 10 month old to my friend’s house in Medina today. Well first I took her to the pet store to put in food for them. She never had a leash on, and has only been to the vet with the rest of the litter. I had to find her collar, put her rabies tag on it, separate her from her mother, and get the collar and martingale on her. She slipped the martingale. I got a smaller one, she slipped that. At the pet store I got an even smaller one, and she was doing her best to slip that too. When she wasn’t splayed on the floor going no where. She got away from me at home, and her mother jumped two fences to go with us. So I corralled her in the back yard and got the other martingale on the puppy, and dragged her out of there, and she was just a pain. I had to pick her up and carry her into the car. Then into the pet store, where she stayed by the martingales. She kept peeking where I went when I went to get the food. I got that loaded up and came back for her, and carried her to the car and thrust her into the back seat again. She lay in the back stunned and in shock for an hour and a half. Then at my friend’s house there were cones in the drive, so I reversed and parked by the barn, I let her out not thinking and cleaned up her mess, and she was in with the horses, chasing them. Damn. I couldn’t get her out of there. I called my friend and while I was on the phone one of her adult GSDs came down and finally, Vera was more interested in him than in the horses and came to meet him. We walked up the house without a lead. I thought she was going to stay on this little piece of front lawn the whole time. But finally about half the people were leaving, and she sniffed the babies, and then she followed the other dogs into the back yard, and was playing with them. Sniffed the other people. And fell into the swimming pool. She got her self out. Then she disappeared with the other 10 month old, and they came back covered in mud. I took a hose to them both. Finally, it was time to go, but this is a good thing because I did put her on a leash and just got her going. Before we went 100 yards, she was walking along with the lead fine. The isolation has not hurt her badly. She will be much better the next time I get her out, and she did not barf on the way home. Yay!
1. Forgot to do my sales tax on time. They did not charge a penalty, just interest, but they may bill me for the penalty. Ugh!
2. Therapy. Last week, or a week ago wednesday we started out with a couple more dreams, nightmares, one where I was telling a police officer exactly why I could not wear a mask, and the other, Brian was laying down in my back seat when I started to drive home from somewhere. I managed to stop the car and get out, and he was chasing me. I got on a golf cart and was driving around the building when he stopped to talk to someone, and I was thinking, if I can only get back out front and get to my car, then I woke up. We talked about these and then did the EMDR and for some reason I got emotional. She asked how distressed I was, and I said a 9. So she said, ok, open your eyes. A couple of times. And she just ignored it and changed the subject to church. We talked about that for a little, and I dragged up what was going on, and that I felt hurt. Then I left.
So this week wednesday, I came 10 minutes late, full of road rage, and we talked about that, and then she started to hand me the buzzers and I said, can we talk about what happened last week. She said, “What did I do?” Of course that made me hesitate and she said, that I am worried she is going to fire me and she is worried I am going to fire her, and I said, “No, I have to be able to talk about what is happening to me in there.” She said she did not acknowledge that I was crying because she didn’t want to draw attention to it, as many of us don’t want to let people see us. She asked me what I wanted for her to do. I had an answer for that question, but it deserted me when I was in there. She said she changed the topic because that is industry standard. We have dark/bad places which does no good for us to be in, so we switch the topic. I don’t know how I feel about that. I asked her if she doesn’t want me to bring up stuff, and she said no, she is fine with whatever I want to talk about. We talked about my feeling hurt during the previous week, feeling the feeling that were going on when I was going through the trauma with the EMDR. She thinks this is wonderful. I think it sucks but know it is probably good.
So, why is this in my bad column? Well because I am having a lot of nightmares and I am feeling I don’t have anywhere I can go when I am feeling the craziness that I am feeling. I am alone. There is no one who can make me feel safe.
I am still so conflicted when it comes to my mom. I know now that no one is going to give me a straight answer about what happened with her. As volunteers we let the victim decide whether something is abuse or rape or whatever. We just listen and say, “how does that make you feel?” or “what do you think?” Well, I don’t know how to think what is normal and what is not. By the time I was 3 or 4, my ability to determine what is normal was cut off by being sexually abuse. My whole childhood development was skewed. And now I now that if you tell me that my mom was sexually abusive, I will probably be enraged at you, and cling all the tighter to my mom. And if you say it wasn’t, then I will still question it because it feels weird. Karen asked me if I would do that to a child. I told her “no.” And she gave me her “there you have it” look. Angela said something different. She said she did not think my mother intended to hurt me. But she said we had to look at it in the context.
I know what my brothers did to me was sexual abuse and rape. Sometimes, after my birthday when my brother said he did not remember anything, I have questioned whether it really happened. But I remember telling Nancy about it when I was in therapy a long time ago. I remember my mom asking me if maybe Brian could have protected me from Bob, and I just looked at her and she basically said she didn’t want to know. I know I am not making it up, but it is getting fuzzy. The blurps I get of the guy I called Grandpa, until I started calling him Johnny like my mom and grandmother, I question that too, whether that happened. So it all sucks. It all sucks. I know that my mom with her physically and verbal and emotional abuse created the atmosphere that created the petri dish where all the shit could just go on. Angela says I can be angry with her, and that she is accountable. But every time I allow myself to feel hurt or angry, I feel so ashamed of myself. And that makes me not want to live. Riding my bike is helping me to feel better, and then I have another nightmare and then I start thinking about everything and I get terribly hopeless that I will ever get over it. So it sucks. Don’t worry about me doing anything to myself. I am actually at a better place than usual right now. I can see some good things. But there is this ugliness in me that I just can’t seem to shake.
That’s my book for this week. I give anyone who made it through this a lot of credit.