Another week: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

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So many good things have happened in the past few weeks:

1.  The tires and tubes, seat and gloves I ordered for my bicycle came a week ago Friday, and I got it going and I’ve been riding pretty much every night.  I rode a LOT from about 15 to 30 something.  Which means for almost twenty years, I haven’t ridden at all.  In my early thirties I rode from Denmark, Ohio to Dunkirk NY one Sunday from 2AM until 11AM.  100 miles.  This is the bike I kept in my living room and it now I have it in my parents’ garage for easy access so I can ride regularly.  I wanted to wait until I was down to a reasonable wait to ride my racing bike, but I finally decided that if I did that, I will never ride again.  I ride every night and it feels like flying.  

2.  I got my review on Thursday.  Out of 5, I got a 4 over all.  4 is “exceeds expectations.”  I did not get any 5s, which is “near perfect.”  And I got some 3s with is “meets expectations.”  But I am pretty satisfied with a 4 over all.  And I don’t have to go through that for another year, yay!  

3.  I took my 10 month old to my friend’s house in Medina today.  Well first I took her to the pet store to put in food for them.  She never had a leash on, and has only been to the vet with the rest of the litter.  I had to find her collar, put her rabies tag on it, separate her from her mother, and get the collar and martingale on her.  She slipped the martingale.  I got a smaller one, she slipped that.  At the pet store I got an even smaller one, and she was doing her best to slip that too.  When she wasn’t splayed on the floor going no where.  She got away from me at home, and her mother jumped two fences to go with us.  So I corralled her in the back yard and got the other martingale on the puppy, and dragged her out of there, and she was just a pain.  I had to pick her up and carry her into the car.  Then into the pet store, where she stayed by the martingales.  She kept peeking where I went when I went to get the food.  I got that loaded up and came back for her, and carried her to the car and thrust her into the back seat again.  She lay in the back stunned and in shock for an hour and a half.  Then at my friend’s house   there were cones in the drive, so I reversed and parked by the barn, I let her out not thinking and cleaned up her mess, and she was in with the horses, chasing them.  Damn.  I couldn’t get her out of there.  I called my friend and while I was on the phone one of her adult GSDs came down and finally, Vera was more interested in him than in the horses and came to meet him.  We walked up the house without a lead.  I thought she was going to stay on this little piece of front lawn the whole time.  But finally about half the people were leaving, and she sniffed the babies, and then she followed the other dogs into the back yard, and was playing with them.  Sniffed the other people.  And fell into the swimming pool.  She got her self out.  Then she disappeared with the other 10 month old, and they came back covered in mud.  I took a hose to them both.  Finally, it was time to go, but this is a good thing because I did put her on a leash and just got her going.  Before we went 100 yards, she was walking along with the lead fine.  The isolation has not hurt her badly.  She will be much better the next time I get her out, and she did not barf on the way home.  Yay!  

The bad:  

1.  Forgot to do my sales tax on time.  They did not charge a penalty, just interest, but they may bill me for the penalty.  Ugh!  

2.  Therapy.  Last week, or a week ago wednesday we started out with a couple more dreams, nightmares, one where I was telling a police officer exactly why I could not wear a mask, and the other, Brian was laying down in my back seat when I started to drive home from somewhere.  I managed to stop the car and get out, and he was chasing me.  I got on a golf cart and was driving around the building when he stopped to talk to someone, and I was thinking, if I can only get back out front and get to my car, then I woke up.  We talked about these and then did the EMDR and for some reason I got emotional.  She asked how distressed I was, and I said a 9.  So she said, ok, open your eyes.  A couple of times.  And she just ignored it and changed the subject to church.  We talked about that for a little, and I dragged up what was going on, and that I felt hurt.  Then I left.  

So this week wednesday, I came 10 minutes late, full of road rage, and we talked about that, and then she started to hand me the buzzers and I said, can we talk about what happened last week.  She said, “What did I do?”  Of course that made me hesitate and she said, that I am worried she is going to fire me  and she is worried I am going to fire her, and I said, “No, I have to be able to talk about what is happening to me in there.”  She said she did not acknowledge that I was crying because she didn’t want to draw attention to it, as many of us don’t want to let people see us.  She asked me what I wanted for her to do.  I had an answer for that question, but it deserted me when I was in there.  She said she changed the topic because that is industry standard.  We have dark/bad places which does no good for us to be in, so we switch the topic.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I asked her if she doesn’t want me to bring up stuff, and she said no, she is fine with whatever I want to talk about.  We talked about my feeling hurt during the previous week, feeling the feeling that were going on when I was going through the trauma with the EMDR.  She thinks this is wonderful.  I think it sucks but know it is probably good.  

So, why is this in my bad column?  Well because I am having a lot of nightmares and I am feeling I don’t have anywhere I can go when I am feeling the craziness that I am feeling.  I am alone.  There is no one who can make me feel safe.  

The ugly: 

I am still so conflicted when it comes to my mom.  I know now that no one is going to give me a straight answer about what happened with her.  As volunteers we let the victim decide whether something is abuse or rape or whatever.  We just listen and say, “how does that make you feel?” or “what do you think?”  Well, I don’t know how to think what is normal and what is not.  By the time I was 3 or 4, my ability to determine what is normal was cut off by being sexually abuse.  My whole childhood development was skewed.  And now I now that if you tell me that my mom was sexually abusive, I will probably be enraged at you, and cling all the tighter to my mom.  And if you say it wasn’t, then I will still question it because it feels weird.  Karen asked me if I would do that to a child.  I told her “no.”  And she gave me her “there you have it” look.  Angela said something different.  She said she did not think my mother intended to hurt me.  But she said we had to look at it in the context.  

I know what my brothers did to me was sexual abuse and rape.  Sometimes, after my birthday when my brother said he did not remember anything, I have questioned whether it really happened.  But I remember telling Nancy about it when I was in therapy a long time ago.  I remember my mom asking me if maybe Brian could have protected me from Bob, and I just looked at her and she basically said she didn’t want to know.  I know I am not making it up, but it is getting fuzzy.   The blurps I get of the guy I called Grandpa, until I started calling him Johnny like my mom and grandmother, I question that too, whether that happened.  So it all sucks.  It all sucks.  I know that my mom with her physically and verbal and emotional abuse created the atmosphere that created the petri dish where all the shit could just go on.  Angela says I can be angry with her, and that she is accountable.  But every time I allow myself to feel hurt or angry, I feel so ashamed of myself.  And that makes me not want to live.  Riding my bike is helping me to feel better, and then I have another nightmare and then I start thinking about everything and I get terribly hopeless that I will ever get over it.  So it sucks.  Don’t worry about me doing anything to myself.  I am actually at a better place than usual right now.  I can see some good things.  But there is this ugliness in me that I just can’t seem to shake.  

That’s my book for this week.  I give anyone who made it through this a lot of credit.  


Join the Conversation

26 comments

  1. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m glad that you’re recognizing the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yay, you’re riding your bike! Exercise can help us in so many ways, and I’m glad that riding your bike is helping you feel better. It’s great that you got a good review at work and that you don’t have to go through that again this year. It’s awesome that your dog is doing well!
    I hear that therapy has been difficult recently. Personally, I would feel weird if my therapist suddenly changed the subject when I was upset. You’re not alone in that. That being said, I commend you for telling her how you felt. Would it help to write about how you want Angela to respond so you can mention it next time?
    Your conflicting feelings about your mom are so valid, and it makes sense that this is difficult to process. It’s hard to simultaneously love someone and question how they treated you. Even though it’s hard, I hope that processing these feelings can help you heal. I encourage you to be self compassionate; you may be feeling these things now because your mind is in a safer place. Hopelessness can be all-consuming. Healing is non-linear, and your healing journey is valid. It can be a long process, and that’s okay. I believe healing yourself is worth it, and I’m glad you want to heal.
    Thank you for updating us! We’re here to support you, no matter how long or short your updates are. I’m glad you’re sharing your journey, and you’re very insightful. You can get through this.

  2. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    As always, it’s good to hear from you! It certainly sounds like a lot went on for you in the past week. First, I am so happy to hear that you have been out biking. It sounds like it’s something that you really have enjoyed in the past so fitting it back into your schedule is great! It is always fun to get back into an old hobby or activity. I’m happy to hear that work is going well and that you received such a good review. Feeling successful at work and knowing that our supervisor values what we do is such a huge component of our lives and can really shape how we feel about ourselves. It sounds like it was quite an adventure going out with your puppy! On the flip side, it sounds like the EMDR with Angela is still not your preferred method of therapy. It does sound like there are moments it has been helpful for you though. I know that has been a consistent struggle for you, but we are all very proud of you for sticking with it and recognizing the moments when you find that it is effective. I’m truly sorry to hear about the relationship with your mom and all the feelings that have come from her not protecting you. Angela is correct that you should be angry with her and that she is accountable. It was her responsibility to protect you from anyone who would harm you. You have every reason to feel hurt or angry, so please don’t be mad at yourself about that. You are putting in the work to process all of the experiences and feelings that you have and depending on what memories you are reliving with the EMDR these feelings are bound to come out. It’s really great to hear from you and that to know that you are feeling like you are in a better place overall right now. Looking forward to hearing from you again soon. Have a great week!

  3. jao1820

    Hey Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and keeping us updated, we greatly appreciate it. It’s amazing to hear about all the wonderful things that happened this week. Biking and any type of exercise does wonders physically and mentally. Thats great to see you get back into something that you were so passionate about before. Continue recognizing the good moments in life that brings joy to your life no matter how small or big they are.

    Im sorry to hear about the bad/ugly things happening right now, I know it must be very difficult to handle so many negatives during a week. Especially processing your emotions toward your mother, I’m sorry you feel conflicted over this ordeal, but only you can decide how to view what happened. It may be easier to let someone else define and categorize what happened, however in the long run if you, yourself define your experience it will be more beneficial in the future.

    I hope that in the future the good will out number the bad and the ugly. Keep pushing through each week. Stay strong and safe!

    – J.A.O.

  4. JWorks Volunteer

    Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It’s great to hear that you have a lot of good things going for you. Biking is a great hobby and aspect to your overall lifestyle. I’m glad you’ve gotten back into it and I hope you continue for as long as you like. As for The bad, you’ve done a fantastic job of continuing to push through any adversity in your life and you are strong enough. Stay strong and keep us updated.

    -Jay

  5. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thanks for coming back and sharing with us the things that have been going on for the past week. It’s great to hear about all the positives from this week. You’re riding your bike again and it’s bringing joy back into your routine – could be something you might find yourself starting or ending your day with to enlighten your mood. You are a very productive person and I find this evident in your writings with the good and bad. You have goals walking into the events you have going on in your life and I think this contributes to how strong you are. You have such ambition to stay on track and I think this is something that shouldn’t be overlooked.
    Stay strong <3

  6. lizzi

    Hey Solongago,
    I’m so happy to hear about your riding a bike again! That’s a great hobby to get back into, even though it’s been so many years. I’ve found myself making new habits out of things I used to enjoy but haven’t done in a while, and it’s making me feel much more relaxed. I’ve never been great on a bike, but I used to kayak as a child and I’ve started doing that every day that it’s nice out. I sure don’t move as fast as I’m sure you do on a bike, but I feel so free!

    As for the bad and ugly, I’m sorry that things are so hard right now. I hear your frustration. I wish we could tell you what to believe about your mom. But unfortunately, only you can decide what to call it. And like you said, either way you’d either be mad about it or still wonder why things feel weird. I get it. It’s easier to have someone else define difficult things so we don’t have to be the one to decide, but we will never be content with it unless we’ve decided for ourselves.

    I hope your week has more good things than bad/ugly, but regardless we’re here for you. Look forward to your next update.

  7. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,

    Thanks for coming back and sharing this update with us. I’m so happy to hear that riding your bike has helped you! My mom actually rides her bike every day as well and I’ve seen the effect it has on her. Getting out and doing something that you love really can help change your headspace! I love hearing about your dogs, too. Your description made me smile the whole time, imagining them running and playing.

    I agree with what others have said about how Angela reacted to your emotions. It seems strange to me that it’s industry standard to change the subject, but I guess it makes sense. Hopefully she is receptive to your feedback and keeps it in mind for the future. It sounds like you guys are taking things one tiny step at a time and it seems like you and Angela are a very good match, so I’m very happy for you! Hopefully time spent with Angela will help you to shake that persisting ugliness. And time on your bike, of course!

    Hope to hear from you soon!
    Marissa

  8. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Always great to have you back for another update! It seems like you’ve been very occupied these past few weeks, in good and bad ways. First, I’m so glad you’re finding so much comfort, peace and joy in biking. Finding an activity that allows you to de-stress can be very challenging, and I’m glad you found one for yourself. Congratulations on your grades! You deserve them and I can tell you worked really hard to get them, so I’m really happy you celebrated that!

    As for the bad and ugly, I’m sorry you had to experience all of these conflicting thoughts. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone and that you’ve got no one to make you feel safe. I’m sorry to hear that EMDR still isn’t going well for you, but I’m really glad that you’re consciously realizing that it’s good for you, and I would advise you to keep hanging in there. The nightmares must feel torturous and the loneliness must be overwhelming. The conflicted feelings about your mother and the trauma caused by your brother must be very distressing and exhausting for you. I hear you when you say that these are aspects you can’t seem to shake and that is completely okay! Recovery is a long, time-consuming journey that requires a lot of effort, and I’m so glad that you’re in a better place than usual now. As long as you’re taking it one day at a time and proceed at your own pace, things will slowly but steadily, start to look better. We’re here to support you through your healing journey. Feel free to come back and update us any time. All the love.

  9. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for coming back with an update! I’m glad to hear from you again. It’s nice to know you’ve picked up riding the bike again, it sounds like it’s a freeing and comforting thing to do for you. I’m glad some happy things happened to you that week.
    I’m sorry to hear about the ugly and bad things. I’m sorry that you keep having nightmares and feeling like you don’t have someone to talk with, Angela shouldn’t have ignored that you were not feeling good that day.
    As for how you feel about your mom–I can only say you are the only one who ca judge what happened and how feel about her. I hope your mind gets some rest and can be at peace at one point, as you figure out how you feel about her. It is your call. And about your brothers, it seems like you are frim about what happened and you know how you feel about it, even if sometimes doubt settles in, your feelings are still valid.
    I hope these days are kinder to you, I wish you the best.
    Stay safe,
    -sol.

  10. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It looks like you’ve had a busy week! I admire you for getting back to your bike and riding regularly. That’s no small feat! I’m also glad that Vera got out for a bit and had some socialization. I know how challenging that can be with a young dog. Hopefully it continues to bring her out of her shell a little bit. Ugh… taxes. I feel you there. It’s hard to remember them in normal circumstances. With everything else going on in the world I can understand how it slipped your mind. Hopefully the IRS will give you some grace. From my personal experience with EMDR and therapy I understand why Angela redirected the conversation when you began to cry. I’m sorry it made you feel uncomfortable. I’m proud of you for bringing it up in the next session! A lot of people would not have had the courage to speak up that way. I’m also glad that Angela seemed to be receptive to your feedback. It can be very difficult to come to terms with trauma in our past, especially when it involves a primary care taker like your mother. Be patient and give yourself space and compassion. You’re doing a great job pushing forward with therapy and continuing to heal. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

    All the best,
    Becca

  11. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thanks for taking the time to update us on the good, the bad, and the ugly that’s going on in your life right now. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with therapy right now, but I hope that it is helping you make some progress in your healing process. Kudos to you for continuing with it even though it is hard. I’m so happy to hear that you had a lot of good things happen lately! Congrats on your good review, and it’s great that you’ve started riding your bike again. I hope more great things happen for you in the future!

  12. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    It’s great to have you back for another update! First off, I’m sorry to hear about the bad and ugly stuff. However, it’s really great to see that there was some good that happened this week. Especially riding a bike, that’s one of my favorite relaxing activities. I’m glad you get to be back on it! It’s also great to hear about your positive work reviews.

    It sounds like therapy has been hard for you lately. I admire your courage and strength to keep pushing through each session. I know that all your hard work here will pay off soon. After all, each week it seems like you’re coming up with new breakthroughs. EMDR is really hard and I felt like it sucked too, but in the end it was helpful. It’s interesting to see that you feel the same way about it that I do.

    As for the ugly, that does sound really difficult. After all, the way you put it made so much sense when you said “my ability to determine what is normal was cut off by being sexually abuse”. I’m glad riding the bike is helping you feel better during the ugly, and I hope that you’re able to sort through everything in a way that’s comfortable for you. I look forward to your next update!

  13. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago

    it was awesome to see all the good, bad and ugly stuff you seen in your life. remember to stay focus on the good things and keep up what you are doing. rough patches will comes because its part of life and just express it on here or anywhere you need to. i hope you have a good week.

  14. musicislove

    Hi Solongago,

    Its awesome that you’ve been able to see the good with the bad and ugly stuff going on in your life. When you struggle with things it’s so important to be able to focus on the good things going on and that’s exactly what you’ve been doing, which is awesome. I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying your bike lately, cycling can help so much to clear your mind and put you in a good mood. Getting a good work review must feel relieving as well, especially the fact that you don’t need to worry about another for a whole year. Even though you did your taxes late, just focus on the accomplishment that you still got them done! I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with nightmares, I know those are stressful, I was getting them really frequently a couple months ago and I started writing them all down as soon as I woke up, and I found that to be helpful, they’ve gone done in frequency since I stared doing that so it might be helpful for you as well. I know it’s frustrating when memories of abuse become fuzzy to the point of not being sure about things but just know that’s completely normal and happens a lot. I’m glad you were able to talk to Angela about how you were feeling and that you guys were able to talk about it, I hope that helped a little bit. I hope you have a good week and remember we’re always here for you.

    Delaney

  15. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I think it’s really great that despite the ugly things that are going on during your week, you’re able to recognize and appreciate the good things. It’s awesome that you’re getting back into cycling. It seems like something you were passionate about in the past and can be a really great form of self-care, especially as you continue to work through and process the trauma of your past.

    KatherineL

  16. ZJC9753 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing with us. That is so great about your bike! I bet its so peaceful and satisfying to have gotten back into that activity! Especially with you expressing that it feels like flying, I think it is amazing that you decided to start again. Also congratulations on your review for work, its great that your employer has recognized how well you are doing and that it showed in the review that they gave you! That sounds like a lot of progress with your ten month old, I can see that she will likely continue to do better!

    I am sorry to hear about the bad and the ugly parts, it can be difficult leaving therapy feeling that way and I really appreciate you sharing the struggle that you went through with it. It is really brave of you to talk with your therapist and express your feelings about what happened. Those feelings of loneliness and having nightmares in addition is rough.

    Feeling conflicted about your loved ones who have caused you harm is a normal response because it can be difficult and feel wrong to not defend your loved ones. It is okay to still love her and at the same time to acknowledge and process any harm that you have experienced. Although things may seem fuzzy at times, you know what you experienced and how it has impacted you, I completely believe that. I am sorry to hear about your feelings of shame toward yourself and I just want you to know that any anger or hurt that you feel is valid and the way that you process it is valid. I am guessing that the loneliness that you mentioned and the feelings of hopelessness probably cause a lot of pain for you, but I am glad to see that you have a therapist that you can communicate with and that you have bike riding.

    Its okay to have good, bad, and ugly days, weeks, months, etc. I am glad that you pointed out so many great things that are happening in your life currently and that you shared the bad and the ugly too. Everybody has all of these pieces and it is okay to acknowledge them all and to tell your story with such honesty.

    Thank you for sharing, I am thinking of you and wishing you well in your healing.

  17. Neesha Volunteer

    How exciting to be back on your bike and congrats on your performance review! I am sorry to hear about the nightmares they are exhausting and confusing. It is hard to know where they are coming from and why try bring up the emotions that they do. It is hard to bring up the difficult things that can arise in a therapist-client relationship, I find you courageous that you are able to. It is hard when your therapist changes the topic when you are distressed, in my experience it is because therapy is suppose to be a safe container and when we are deeply distressed it might be too much for that moment.

    I so relate to wanting to defend your sexual abuser and be angry with them. It is difficult with our parents to be able hold that yes they did their best, and that ‘best’ was horrible.

    Its okay to feel your feelings it is the only way they move through. You are seeing the result of your hard work, you are still able to see the good even when it sucks and you can’t quite shake it.

    As always we are here for you and thank you for sharing.

  18. colton95 Volunteer

    There is an ugliness in most, if not all, people that remain in them for a long time. The key is not trying to ignore it or remove it, but by accepting it, moving on, and making very strong attempts to live a more positive and fulfilling life. I hope that you will stay safe and positive!

  19. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    Thank you for the update! It is always good to hear from you and to be a part of your journey. Yay for jumping in and getting back on your bike!! I have a feeling this will be helpful to you in more ways than one. Also, congrats on the 4/5 and for getting through another year. Being able to accept the “ugly” parts of ourselves is part of healing. We are human, make mistakes, and feel “ugly” things sometimes. It doesn’t make us a bad person, it invites the opportunity to explore our thoughts and feelings around that “ugliness” and possible discover what needs to heal. It is good to hear that you have a relationship with Angela where you can discuss the difficult things in your relationship. It sounds like she is having a bit of her own slump right now and allowed the relationship to be more personal than professional. I can see how not drawing attention to something that could cause you to become uncomfortable would be something therapists are taught, but I also think that at this point in your relationship, she should know you well enough to know that you needed it to be mentioned and that you needed her to ask. I’m glad that you were able to bring it up to her.
    Parental relationships….I hear you. It is so difficult to feel anger and resentment towards someone who helped you make it adulthood but also caused so much harm. When you know it is because they had their own trauma and were doing the best they knew how, it helps, but can also cause more conflicted feelings. Just know it is okay to actuallly feel those feelings, they have to be felt and processed in oder to be healed.
    Keep working and healing!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  20. zelda Volunteer

    Thank you for coming back to share with us, S.

    I’m so happy you’re riding your bike again!

    Pastimes that relax us and excite us are encouraged because they make us feel carefree, normal, and alive. It’s like all of our worries, fears, and traumas just slip away. I feel the same way when I’m watching a Pixar movie or baking something sweet. Sometimes, the best way to take care of our mental health is to do what makes us feel safe and secure. We need that respite.

    A 4 out of 5 is an accomplishment you should celebrate. At your workplace, you’ve succeeded your employer’s expectations. To me, your eval says a lot about who you are: hardworking, goal-oriented, determined, efficient, and professional. I’m glad your boss recognizes you as an asset to the company’s team.

    I’m assuming your 10-month-old is one of your dogs. Correct me if I’m wrong. It definitely sounds like you and the puppy had an adventure that day! I’m glad things worked out. Her not barfing on the way home is a huge plus, for sure!

    I’m sorry about the sales tax and therapy situation. I would be frustrated and upset, as well. However, I do agree with Angela on one thing: I’m so glad you’re feeling your feelings during the EMDR process. The road to recovery can be long, painful, and uncomfortable. There will be many obstacles and roadblocks in your way, but I’m very proud of you for not giving up. You carry a lot of inner strength to be able to stay the course, and I would imagine Angela thinks the same.

    I understand your conflicting feelings surrounding your mom. I don’t know the situation well enough to give my opinion, but you’re right. Even if I did, I try not to insert my thoughts on the matter. What’s important is how you feel, since you are the one who went through x, y, and z with her. I did not. I would suggest journaling your thoughts. Maybe you can make better sense of these memories with them written down on paper. Whether you’re having flashbacks of your mom, brothers, or Johnny, I highly suggest writing down whatever comes to your mind. Write like your life depends on it. I think you’ll find that you will feel a little bit lighter and calmer than you did before. Plus, you can always go over your writings with Angela. Maybe she can provide some insight you and I cannot.

    If you got through my comments, I give you a lot of credit! 😉 I hope you found some support and and comfort here at AVFTI. Always come back if you ever want to talk, vent, or ask for help. We’re here for you. Have a great Tuesday, and ride like the wind! 🏍🏍🏍

  21. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It’s great to hear back from you! It’s wonderful that you’re riding your bike again, and that you received such a positive review. That’s truly commendable and you should be proud of your achievements. I’m sorry that you’re feeling conflicted and top of all that you’re also having nightmares. That must be really painful and hard to deal with. It sounds like even though there have been challenges, you’ve also been able to recognize some positives that have happened, which demonstrates a real strength and self awareness. It’s great that riding your bike has helped give you some relief, you deserve to have some peace. It’s amazing that you know what helps, it shows you have a real insight. Hope you have a great rest of your day!

    -Rachel

  22. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I first off just want to say that I give you credit for being able to recognize the good and not just the bad and ugly. Sometimes we struggle to see the good things when we are completely immersed in the bad and ugly. It’s also smart that you are aware that we as volunteers can’t tell you what is abuse, rape, etc. This is up to you to decide. You may already know that answer to this question but it may not be something that you are ready to look into yet. Take one thing at a time and go at your own pace. An individual once told me that they consider themselves constantly under construction because of how trauma impacted their life. I hold this information very dear and consider all individuals as constantly under construction. We continue to learn, heal, and grow from our experiences. Keep pushing through. I’m very proud of the realizations that I see from your posts.

  23. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m happy that you had a lot of really good things happen to you this week. Sometimes bad things happy but will there is always a rainbow after a rainstorm. I’m sorry that Angela ignored that you were crying. To be honest that surprised me that she ignore that. I feel like if a patient is crying that needs to be addressed. It’s good that you brought that up the next week. Being able to talk to your therapist about things like that shows growth.
    I know when it comes to questions that you have about your mom or family and you want answers right away to help you get closure it can be hard. Like you said those answers usually come from within. If you don’t know the answers now it’s okay, in time things will randomly click and the questions that you have will slowly come together. Thank you for updating us. I’m happy you overall had a good week!
    -Alyssa

  24. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! We are here for you and wanting to support you in anyway possible. Like you said, this week was a little more than you wish it was but luckily that hurdle is now behind you and we can move forward knowing that you have overcome that. You mention a lot of good in the week and I’m glad you’ve made time to recognize these things. With the obstacles this week, it seems that you’ve given some good thought to why they make you feel the way they do. You have implemented a lot of great coping skills like riding your bike and what not. You are really doing great, and it make be hard to see it but you are strong. You have dedicated a good chunk of your time to journaling and giving yourself me-time. You are strong!

  25. dzreid Volunteer

    Solongago,
    I really don’t like being the first to respond…. I do however read your story no matter how long or short it is. I do this because I enjoy receiving updates, but mostly because I do care about you! It Is so good to read that you are able to see some positives despite the negatives! I think sometimes, our minds go on over drive. This can lead to feelings of being over whelmed. I also know that our minds do strange things when we have so much happening at once. You sticking with Angela is such a strong hold. You are reaching moments where you are deciding how the session goes & what you talk about. I know from my own therapist, she doesn’t acknowledge my tears, but gently shoves the tissues closer. I can certainly understand why it may seem like Angela ignores you at times. Perhaps, she isn’t intentionally doing so, but rather bringing up other areas she knows is a struggle for you, to further help you as you process & heal. She sounds very patient & understanding. Sometimes when we have a good thing going, we sabotage it with out even knowing we’re doing so. Keep going strong! I’m sure there will be plenty of hard times ahead, but you are incredible at how far you have come!

    Sometimes, employers have to give evaluation reports on employees, but may give out scores like you received so there’s room for improvement. You can rest easy now knowing that you won’t have another on for a year. That is a strength in how your employer sees your commitment to your work. You should be proud of the outcome from your evaluation!

    The issues & memories you are having, I believe are normal part to the healing process. I don’t think your mom is a bad person, I just believe she wasn’t there as she needed to be. I also think that perhaps she did what she did because she really didn’t know how to protect you. Wrong is wrong, & her responses & reactions to you, was her fault. The abuse she put you through breaks my heart. She wasn’t there for you, & for that I’m sad. Do you journal? Journaling doesn’t always have to be in the form of writing. I began looking in magazines to find words, & pictures to describe my thoughts. Sometimes, the things I put on the pages, flow, while other times, they make no sense. Try not to be so hard on yourself. We are our own worst enemy! I’m glad that you decided to get on your bike again. We all need outlets that keep us going! Continue pressing on. I know the journey is a difficult one, but your light will shine & memories won’t be so haunting. Yo have already come a long way! ?Keep going because you are a warrior! Until next time,
    Dawn

  26. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I’m glad you had some good moments, but sorry that you also had some tough ones too. I hope that continuing in therapy is helping, and as always you can share back here whenever you need.

    Erin