Anorexia

Anorexia

204 21

I’ve been struggling with my weight. I’m a little over 5 foot and I only weigh 91 pounds. I’m having a hard time eating and I’m so worried that I’m gonna end up in a hospital.

I think the reason why I’m anorexic stems from control. I’ve been taken advantage of sexually more times than I can count. Right now I’ve been with this guy (We met on a dating app and have known each other for a few weeks.) who’s very caring and supportive. I’m afraid my eating disorder might cause problems with him because it’s already caused problems with my family. They’re worried sick about me and I feel so guilty. But I’m scared to gain weight. I have no idea what to do. I’d love some advice or resources.


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21 comments

  1. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there,
    I think after any sexual assault it’s a natural part to want to have the control over anything especially weight. It’s good that you can recognize that this is a problem & you’re scared, that’s a good characteristic to have. Thank you for sharing an issue that’s often over looked. I believe people handle trauma in their own way & is a individual step towards healing. Continue on your journey to your healing. You’re worth it & deserve it!
    Dawn

  2. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Thanks for coming to us and sharing your concerns, it’s good to be thinking about it and to recognize you have a problem. I have struggled with eating disorders for a long time and know how it is to want control. Sometimes you have to find something else to focus on, I find that helps.
    I hope you find the strength and help you need and to get through this.
    -Lexi

  3. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello zelda,

    I appreciate your willingness to discuss the concerns that you have about eating.
    After experiencing sexual violence, it’s understandable that you have the desire to feel a sense of control. The fact that you’re open to receiving advice and resources demonstrates that you truly want to take steps to ensure that you feel healthy. I see that several people have suggested the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), which is a wonderful resource. NEDA has a forum available (https://cutt.ly/GwZ8us2) where you can post your story, read other people’s experiences, and receive support. On the upper-righthand corner of their website, they have an online chat that’s available during the week. If you need support during the weekend or outside of their business hours, please know that Crisis Text Line is available 24/7 and that a Crisis Counselor can be reached via text at 741741.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Ashley

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. Given what you’ve been through, wanting to have control over an aspect of your life seems common. I think talking to your therapist may help you find some useful resources in your area, and the hotlines mentioned below are wonderful suggestions. I understand how difficult it can be to talk about what you’re experiencing, and I’m proud of you for talking to us. That takes courage and strength. You’re not alone, and we’re here to help in any way we can.

  5. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again, zelda!

    My best friend struggles with an eating disorder, and what really helped her let go of the control it provided her was intensive therapy. At the point that she entered treatment, her friends and I were really concerned that she would start to have a lot of chronic health problems; it was a pretty rough time. She was in treatment 40 hours a week for a few months, and she’s been really healthy since. A lot of the therapy she went through was with regards to the control that her eating disorder stems from, as well.

    I saw in a previous comment that you had reached out to a therapist, which is awesome! If you’re feeling like you’re in a safe enough space to do so, you might want to bring up your struggles with anorexia with your therapist. They’re likely to have some contacts for a variety of different treatment centers in your area and be able to point you towards one that works best for you. I really hope that you’re able to find a center! You are so resilient and are making a really great step towards recovery in asking for help.

  6. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Zelda,
    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this issue. It is normal to want to have control in your life when you have experienced so many difficult and traumatic situations. Others have given great resources below and I don’t have any more to add to that, but I want to remind you that you are not alone in this. We are here for you and it sounds like your family cares about you too if they are worried for your health. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  7. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    It is okay to gain weight. I struggle with anorexia and I always feel like I will never be skinny enough. However, the truth is it doesn’t matter how skinny you are or what you look like. What matters is that you are safe, happy, and healthy. You could weigh 91 lbs or you could weigh 910 lbs, but if you are happy and safe and feel healthy it doesn’t matter. If you new boyfriend can’t accept you for who you are, he isn’t the one for you. Your weight shouldn’t be the determining factor of if he wants to date you or not date you. You look beautiful and you shouldn’t have to change for anyone, but yourself.
    -Alyssa

  8. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Hello Zelda,

    I am so sorry you are going through this. If you don’t feel like talking to the guy you’re seeing or your family, there are always help lines, online therapists, and us! After trauma, it’s common to want to have control over certain things, and your body is definitely one of them. If you are struggling, we are always here to listen and support you no matter what.

    Katie

  9. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Zelda!
    I am sorry to hear what you are going through, and thank you for sharing with us. You are not alone, and we are always here to listen. Have you considered talking to a medical specialist on the topic? Someone such as a psychologist/psychiatrist/social worker may have some ways to help you. If you ever need to talk you are welcome to message me on slack. Thank you for being so strong and we are here for you!
    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  10. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are currently going through. I understand what you are feeling, and please know that you are not alone. I too used an eating disorder to take back control I had lost. Please know that it can get better. Have you considered talking to a professional about what’s been happening? It’s not for everyone, and I know it can be scary, but if you are comfortable with it, it could be a great option for you. Stay strong. We are here for you, and let us know how we can help.

    Carmen

  11. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there zelda,

    I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling with an eating disorder, it is quite common for that to develop given everything that you have been through. Having that control and power over your own body is one of the main reasons many individuals struggle with an eating disorder, especially anorexia. I’m happy to hear that this guy is caring and supportive of you, if you feel comfortable confiding into him about this struggle that you are dealing with only you are able to determine when you feel it is the right time to do so. Trust your gut <3 When you say it has caused problems with your family, are they unsupportive of trying to get you help? Or as you mentioned, are they just truly worried about your well being?
    There is another amazing non-profit organization that you may have heard of before called To Write Love On Her Arms, on their website they have a tool bar where you can look up specific resources for whatever it is you are dealing with and put in your zip code. If you click on eating disorders, there are even a few articles of individuals sharing their stories. Check it out here: https://twloha.com/find-help/
    I also googled and found this website, perhaps this could help as well? https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
    Hope this helps <3

    – Jordan

  12. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m glad you felt comfortable in sharing this kind of information with us. Body imaging has impacted many individuals at various times in their life. With anorexia in particularly, I would recommend reaching out to a support group focused on Eating Habits and Disorders. There are many strategies to help you make steps towards your health. Perhaps, eating average sized meals two or three times a day will help in terms of avoiding the thoughts of ingesting too much food. You could log what you’re eating and journal about foods you’re eating the feelings that you get when’d doing so. You could also identify triggers that might influence thoughts regarding body image.
    In terms of the problems that have risen within your family, I would suggest bluntly asking for support and inform them that you are working on yourself and this eating disorder. Patience is a large factor in diseases like this as some believe it can be resolved over night or within a few weeks. Perhaps, informing them of the work you plan on putting in could reassure them that you are working hard.
    Stay strong!

  13. zoeyb

    hi zelda,

    I am sorry that happened to you. I think what is most important is that you feel happy and healthy, I know that can be super hard to define and work towards, but you are incredibly strong and I believe in you. Do you have a support system currently? Having someone to talk to about how you feel about things you’re struggling with may help you feel less alone. Also feel free to take a look at the resources in the “find help” tag on the AVFTI website. We are always here to listen and support you.

    – Zoey

  14. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there zelda,

    It’s okay to struggle sometimes. It’s great that you’re able to recognize you are struggling and that you’ve put some thought into why you may be struggling. I echo all the others suggestions – Crisis Text Line and the National Eating Disorder Assocation are two great places to start. Having support around you is amazing during this time. Please know we are here for you too.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  15. Lizzi

    I’m so sorry for your struggles with anorexia. I personally struggled severely for many years and I remember the fears of ending up in the hospital, the fears of giving up control, the fears of gaining weight, and how much it screwed up all of my relationships with friends and family. As someone that’s been where you are and sees just how amazing life in recovery is, please get help. Do this for yourself, because you deserve it. You don’t deserve to struggle every day and to let this horrible disease take over your life. Finding the right treatment team is so helpful to learning to trust and work through the issues that are causing your eating disorder. You can work through this and get better, and I know it’ll be scary but it’ll be worth it. Others have suggested NEDA and I would second that as an amazing place to start. If you’re seeing a counselor, or even just a regular doctor, they would also be good people to talk to about getting some more intensive treatment. I wish you the best and remember that we’re here for you and support you. We want to see you get through this, and you can.

  16. Megan Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I’m sorry that you are struggling right now. A lot of anorexia does stem from control, so that makes sense if that’s what you are experiencing. If you do end up in hospital, it may not be the worst thing because at least you are getting the help that you need. Even though it may not be the ideal situation, if it’s what you need to get better than it might be worth it. I would talk to your therapist about what you can do to help with recovery and what might be the best option for you (and if you don’t already have one, check out the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page) Also about this guy, I know it can be scary to open up to someone about what you are going through, but this guy could also end up being a source of support for you too (and that way you don’t have to worry about him finding out if you tell him yourself). And if he can’t accept you for all that you are, and he doesn’t support you as you try to recover, then maybe he isn’t the right one for you. You deserve someone who supports you through everything. Finally, I found a website that might be able to offer more information and more specific resources if you want to look at that: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

    I’m rooting for you as you fight to get better,
    Megan

  17. musicislove

    I’m sorry you’ve been struggling, I read in another post that you’re in therapy so I hope you can work through some of these feelings in a session. I understand wanting to take your control back, but making sure you’re nourished is important. We’re here for you.

    Delaney

  18. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    I am so sorry you have been struggling with this. Have you tried it with therapy? let us know if we can help in any way. You can get through this and you are not alone. We are here for you and care for you.

  19. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Zelda. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I’ve had issues with food before too. Talking about it in therapy has helped me a lot. If you’re looking for a therapist, there are a lot of resources in the “Find Help” tab as others have mentioned. I found mine by just googling “women’s clinic” in my area and they were able to work with me on a sliding scale fee. Let us know if we can help in any way. You can get through this and you’re not alone.

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi again,

    If you click our “find help” tab, you can find some resources in your area. I would suggest seeing a therapist as soon as you can, if you are able. Texting VOICE to 741 741 can help in the interim until you find a counselor, and maybe going to the doctor to get some help from them. I’m sorry you’re going through this-we are here for you.

    Erin

  21. Jess Volunteer

    I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced all that trauma. You didn’t deserve for it to happen to you. Are you currently seeing a therapist? A therapist would be able to assist you in navigating the path to healing from that trauma and assist you with treatment of your eating disorder. If you feel like you need immediate assistance, you can text VOICE to 741-741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. Going to the hospital is scary, but sometimes necessary for immediate crisis stabilization as well. The people in the hospital are there to help you, and if you’re scared and your family is scared, it might be helpful for you. Sometimes focusing on healing is necessary for our relationships to succeed. Let us know if there is absolutely anything else we can do to help you. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess