Angry, dejected, lazy, and unsure

Angry, dejected, lazy, and unsure

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Hey everyone.  It’s been a while since I posted an update on here, and that’s because things lately have actually been great…up until this past week.

This past week has been so upsetting and emotionally taxing for me.  I applied to a bunch of jobs on Tuesday, and of course I was rejected by about half of them almost immediately after applying.  After being unemployed for months now, I feel dejected.

I recently started a podcast where I could talk about movies (which I love) and even other stuff.  I decided to ask a few friends Wednesday night for discussion topics for the podcast.  Instead, they decided to critique my formula and tell me ways in which I could improve my podcast and speaking skills.  I know that they were just trying to help, but their words and condescending tone really hurt me.  I can take criticism, but only if the person makes it clear that they are trying to help me and use a kind tone when speaking.  After Wednesday night, I feel angry.

I’ve also been arguing with my mom more often lately, and it’s usually over small and trivial things.  I now have a desire to be purposefully lazy and disobedient just to teach her a lesson about not getting worked up over little things (she’s the one who usually starts the arguments, although I confess I could be kinder when responding to her).

And finally, I asked this girl that I like to hang out.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my future lately and I decided to tell her that I like her when we would hang out, and I was really hoping that she would be the one that I would spend the rest of my life with.  But I think that she caught on to my plan because she told me that she would be willing to hang out…but “just as friends.”

After this week, I am upset of course.  But I’m mostly unsure.  I’m not sure how to proceed, how to move on.  I’m not sure what my future will be like now, and I’m not sure if things will ever really improve.  I know that I’m probably overreacting and that my emotions are clouding my judgment, but to be honest I’m letting my emotions get the best of me.  Because this week has been fucking shitty and I’m acting out now.  For now I’m angry, dejected, lazy, and unsure of if things will improve for me.

I genuinely hope that you are all doing well, though.


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32 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    I believe it can be easy to throw in the towel and stop applying for jobs after being rejected. However, it sounds like you’re determined and I commend you for continuing to search for jobs.
    Since you asked your friends for discussion topics, they should have focused on topics instead of providing unsolicited advice. You mentioned that they spoke in a condescending tone – I wish they would have approached the conversation differently.

    I hope this week is better, colton95. Keep hanging in there!

    Ashley

  2. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Colton

    I know it has been a rough week and i am so sorry you are going through all of that. I hope you have a better week friend and know sometimes its a up and down battle. We are here for you friend.

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I can definitely understand why this past week was upsetting – that’s a lot to cope with at once. The job application process can be so frustrating at times. I’m in a similar position when it comes to summer internships, so I can empathize with you. I try to remember why I want a job/internship, and that helps me whenever I’m feeling dejected about the process. I also understand why you were angry after what your friends said. I think it could help to tell your friends how you feel. If you think that their suggestions may help you, feel free to use them. If not, you don’t have to use them. This is your podcast, and you can ultimately decide what direction you want to take it in!
    As for the girl you like, I understand where you’re coming from. I think hanging out with her is still a good idea! Your friendship might develop into something more, or it may not (but you’ll still have a great friendship). As long as you have a healthy friendship with her, I think it’s good to keep her in your life. It may be possible that these stressful circumstances are affecting your interactions with your mom. Stress can leak into other parts of our lives. I think it could help to do activities that make you happy, such as writing your podcast, etc. These things may help you feel better in the long run. I also agree with mikaylaanne11 – breaking things down may help you feel less overwhelmed.
    Thank you for the update. I’m glad you’re acknowledging your feelings and sharing here. We’re here to support you, and you can get through this!

  4. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again, colton95,

    It sounds like you’re kind of in a funk right now. You’re feelings are incredibly valid, and you should take some time to let yourself feel them all. You can work through this.

    With the work things, my therapist gave me a suggestion that might help you in that process, as well. Rather than trying to tackle everything all at once, try and take the job hunt in little pieces. Maybe apply to one job once a week. Maybe spend a couple hours job hunting one day. It becomes a lot easier if you break it down in to bite-sized bits!

    I’m also sorry you’re experiencing some turbulence in with family and friends. Maybe your self-care this week will simply look like carving out time specifically to be alone and breathe. You could read, meditate, work on podcast scripts; the possibilities are endless! This might help to get you out of your funk a little bit and more onto a structure that feels productive to you.

    Sending lots of positivity your way!

  5. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for coming back to update us. It sounds like it has been a really rough week for you. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing all of these negative emotions. When we are experiencing negative emotions and emotionally taxing times, it is very easy for that to strain our relationships with those that we care about. I love that you’ve been expanding into trying new things and the podcast! That’s so awesome! I’m sorry that your friends’ feedback came across in a critical tone. Now that you’ve had some time away from the situation, it may be good to try to communicate how that made you feel with them, so that they can change their approach next time. Communication is key with important relationships. I hope your week looks up. Try to engage in more enjoyable activities and utilize your coping skills. If you need anything else at all, we are always here for you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  6. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey colton95,

    Thanks for coming back with an update. I’m glad the past few months have been good, although the past week has been upsetting for you. It feels so bad experiencing all of these things back to back, so your feelings of ambiguity and confusion are completely valid. It may be helpful to remember that the past few months have been good. Life is a wavy curve with ups and downs, and it makes sense that all of this is impacting your relationship with your mom. Remember that although things are tough now, they will turn up. I’m sorry to hear about the job prospects. But keep at it, and don’t give up! I know it’s much easier said than done, and it can feel frustrating, but these things can take time and require people to be persistent. From places that you haven’t heard back from yet, maybe you can reach out and follow up. You got this. The right place will come along. And with your friends, I’m sorry their feedback came across more critical than supportive. It may feel uncomfortable right now, but maybe after taking some space to process, you can have a conversation with them about their tones when communicating feedback and try to expand upon their feedback so it is more constructive. I understand what you’re feeling and why you feel like you’ve been acting out. Make sure to take some time to care for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  7. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear colton95,
    Thank you for coming back to give us an update. You’re right, that does sound like an upsetting and emotionally taxing week! It feels crappy when experiencing one of the things you did this past week, but to have all of them….ugh! It is no wonder that you are feeling all of those things and that it is affecting your relationship with your mom. Be sure to take time to feel your feelings, hear the messages they are telling you, and then let them go so that you can move forward. We are always here for you when you need to vent and feel some support. You have grown a lot since you began posting here and you’ve got this!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  8. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hey colton!
    Thanks for the update.
    It sounds like life has hit you all at once and you are feeling frusterated and discouraged. I am sorry all of this is going on all at once. It is hard when you dont get hired for the jobs you applied for or when we want our friends help and they just want to nit pick at what they feel should be done. I am sorry if didnt work out with the girl either. Parents can be difficult to deal with as well. I argue with mine a lot over dumb things. All of these things may suck right now and maybe questioning your future but your future is bright and these are just tiny speed bumps. Do something special for yourself. Self care is very important especially when we get down on ourselves. I know things will turn around. Keep your chin up. Thinking about you and I would love to hear your podcast. It is your podcast! Do it how you want it to be done!

    Kristin

  9. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi colton95,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you had a rough week. I just went through a change in job, so I can understand that struggle. Don’t be discouraged by it, because most people go through plenty of rejections before they get an acceptance. This week seemed like a very rough time, but just keep pushing. I believe that things will work out in the end. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  10. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi colton95,
    It sounds like you’ve had a crappy week and when that happens it sucks! Not just one thing went wrong but there were more to add on top of it. When you are already irritated, it’s normal to have other things that will make the situation worse. I will say that I appreciate how in tune you are with your feelings and that you have a safe place to vent and allow others to give you support when you need it. I think having a podcast is a great idea and give you credit for having the guts to start a podcast. I know it sounds cliche but things will get better if you keep pushing through. If I would have been told ten years from now that I would be in a healthy relationship with a decent job in a brand new town, I would have laughed and called them a liar. It’s hard to see what the future may hold but the right job will come as well as the right person that will appreciate you. So keep up the podcast and the employment search. Great things will come eventually!

  11. meg Volunteer

    Hi colton95,

    Thank you for coming back to update us! I am so sorry you’re feeling so sad and angry. It is completely valid to be feeling the way you are. I do think that you should be proud though! You are making a consistent effort to put yourself out there. You are applying for jobs, you are creating a podcast, you put yourself out there emotionally/romantically. Those are all incredibly difficult things to do and you should be happy that you are putting the work in. Focus on the things that you are doing that make you happy when things feel like they’re falling down. You’re working so hard and you should be so proud. I am proud of you.
    —Meg

  12. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi colton95,

    Thank you for coming back with an update to your story. It’s nice to hear that things were going well for a while. The job search can certainly feel long and hard but unfortunately, sometimes its a numbers game and you have to apply to a lot of positions to get a small number of interviews. One idea is if you could get to know someone at the company they may be able to help you get an interview. I’m sure your friends meant well with their tips for your podcast but that is quite frustrating how they delivered their feedback. Letting them know that the way they said it made you feel bummed out is probably the only way to get them to change that delivery. Sometimes friends end up becoming more, but sometimes it’s just not meant to be. The person for you is out there and it may not be her! It’s tough when a lot of different things go poorly all at once but I’m sure next week will be better. Just focus on the little things that you CAN control.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  13. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Colton!
    I can certainly relate about the job issue. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in feeling like you do. To have your friends respond like they did, I’m sure that would cause mixed feeling. To feel the way you do is understandable. To find someone who wants to be ” just friends” could be a new beginning. I believe something good can come from the smaller things. Hang in there, things will begin looking brighter.
    Dawn

  14. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Colton-Completely relate. In my field, I’m constatnly applying for jobs and opportunities. Things rarely materialize. In terms of your professsional work, I think the best thing you do is see if you can get some feedback from maybe a career professional at a local community college, or someone in the field you are into. Maybe it’s feedback on your resume, because that appears to be where you are getting hung up. Also, check online for good examples of resumes and maybe copy their style.

    That’s awesome thay you asked a girl to hang out! Somtimes the best reliationships start as friendships. I went through similar emotinos about doubt when I was your age. If I could tell myself anything, it would be to embrace it and just keep pushing. Odds are things start to work out, in some way if you keep trying.

    Really appreciate you coming back to us! It sounds like you are doing so many good things.

    Ryan

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Colton,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry you had such an exhausting week, but otherwise, it sounds like things are looking up for you! I completely understand how you’re feeling about the job hunt – throughout college when I was searching for internships, all of my friends seemed to have the easiest time landing jobs… and I went on interview after interview, usually not even hearing back from the companies. I ended up just applying to literally every single job that I could possibly be qualified for, and I finally found a great position for after graduation, even if it took a few months! Just keep working at it. You’ll find a good fit, I promise!
    Have you considered telling your friends how you feel? I know that some people see me as someone with tough skin, but I can definitely be pretty sensitive sometimes. They might just not have realized how their words affected you or how harsh they sounded. It’s really important to communicate with them about something that is so important to you 🙂
    Regarding the girl you want to hang out with – I think you should still hang out with her! She might turn into a wonderful friend, which is definitely better than not having her in your life at all, in my opinion.
    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you! We’re here to help.

    Marissa

  16. Sschwartzberg24 Volunteer

    Colton, We have all felt all of those emotions, yours are completely valid. I believe you. Often, when we feel like that everything gets cloudy. Do you have a therapist or group to speak to if not check out the sources page for ideas. Our lives are not separate pieces so when we hurt in one area, it bleeds over to the others.

    I know it’s especially hard when you share something you are excited about with people you love only to be met with criticism. Know that every day may feel like a repeat of your feelings but this is not forever.

    I’m so proud of you for sharing all of this with us, have you tried talking to your mom about how you have been feeling? I know the people in our lives often surprise us if we tell them we are dealing with things.

    Think about what lights you up and do that as much as possible. Be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that in the end you have to do what makes you happy. Live for you and I know from this post how much you have to offer.

    Don’t judge yourself too harshly, we all can see what a strong, determined person you are. Often for people so determined it can be almost blinding feelings when we don’t get what we think we deserve or worked hard for. But it will pay off just breathe and believe.

    Being able to recognize and name your feelings is huge, keep doing that. I believe we need to feel it to heal it. So feel it and then try to get some sleep and do something that brings you joy.

    Your openness in your sharing inspired me to be gentle with myself. Thank You.

  17. myazojo Volunteer

    Hey colton95,
    I am sorry you are feeling this way. thanks for sharing. Applying for jobs an be really hard, and so many of them aren’t a good fit, keep going. I bet you will find something. I am really sorry you are feeling unsure about things, but I believe in you. I think you are going to find something that truly fits you. And fighting with parents can be super hard. Feel free to always come back and update us.

  18. SydSquid Volunteer

    Hey colton95,
    Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so sorry I understand how bad it can feel when life is really pushing you down sometimes. I know it can be hard when you have had times but try finding the positive things to focus you attention on not the negatives. I’m so happy that you have found making podcasts! Finding an activity that you love and that makes you feel good is so inspiring. Keep it up even if your friends are criticizing just know that you are doing what you love the way you want to. And in regards to your friend I’m sorry she didn’t want to date you but keep hanging out maybe things will change and even if not you will find the person out there that will love you just as much as you love them. I’m sorry this week has been so rough and I really hope this next week is a lot better.

  19. Stellablue Volunteer

    colton95,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings! I’m sorry your week did not go well. Your podcast sounds very cool to me, I’m glad you’re doing something you love. Please keep doing it, even if people criticize. I am also sorry it did not work out with the girl you liked. There’s a person out there for you! It’s easy to for us to have some bad days and get pessimistic. I hope you can focus on the good things too! It’s very normal to feel unsure in life. But identifying your feelings and having self awareness is a great start to figuring out your problems. I hope it gets better, please keep us updated!

  20. zoeyb

    Hey colton95,

    Thank you for sharing with us, I’m so sorry you had such a rough week. However, it takes a strong person to be able to not only recognize and identify what they’re feeling, but find a way to vent and let some of those emotions out. I’m so proud that you’ve done this here! I fully believe in you and am so excited for your future. Don’t give up doing what’s right for you- we’re always here for you.

  21. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry your first round of applications didn’t go as planned. I hope you don’t let this hinder you in continuing to apply for a job! Even though some doors may close, there is always another that opens. Sometimes, being told “No” allows us to see the greater opportunities and appreciate the possibilities that could be when given a “Yes.”
    It’s great that you are pursuing this podcast! I love that idea. Like you said, your friends were probably trying to help you improve the podcast overall. In the situation that they give you that criticism, you can say, “That’s a great idea. I think I’ll definitely consider something like that. Thank you.” This could reassure them that you are taking their ideas into consideration but in the end, it is your show.
    With your feelings towards this one person, it could be a nice approach to start off as friends to see if the relationship could develop on its own without trying to create it yourself. In general, taking one day at a time is most often the easiest and reassuring. Picturing the future can be overwhelming and build up anxiety sometimes. You can only get to that picture if you work hard in the present which is something I think you are definitely doing and should continue to pursue.
    Stay strong <3

  22. lizzi

    Hey colton95,
    Sounds like a really rough week. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened, and that things aren’t going as well as they were. Find a job is hard. I don’t know why they make it out to be so easy, because there’s nothing easy about it. I recently had to find a new job, and in one day applied for 11 jobs I was highly qualified for. Got rejected within 24 hours by 7 of them. Never heard back from the rest. It’s usually nothing personal, and I truly believe that you will find a job and it will be the perfect fit for you. i really enjoyed listening to your podcast, and I wish your friends had been more supportive instead of criticizing it. Like you said, I’m sure they were just trying to be helpful but they could have done it in a better way. It’s understandable to be angry. I’m proud of you for asking the girl you like to hang out. That takes a lot of courage! Maybe it’s not what you were hoping for, but maybe friends can lead to more? Or at least a really good friendship?

    I hate those weeks when it seems like nothing is going right and it just gets frustrating. Maybe you got all the disappointing, frustrating, and maddening things over with and you can have a better next week. Remember that things were going well, and they can go well again. We’re here for you when things are good and when things are difficult.

  23. tbird830 Volunteer

    Colton95,

    Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with how you are feeling. It is great that you’re able to identify how you’re feeling and utilize us to express that. Do you have any close friends, family, or other support person that you can talk to about how you’re feeling?

    It sounds like you’re able to identify that your emotions are interfering with being able to have a positive outlook on the future, and that is completely normal. It can be really hard to imagine things getting better when you’re in a hard place mentally. Please know that it will get better.

    You have really great insight and you are so strong. You have gotten through some really hard stuff and you will get through this as well.

    We’re always here!

    -Tori

  24. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Colton95,

    Thank you for coming and sharing how you are doing. Angry, dejected, lazy, and unsure — yeah, that’s an interesting grouping. There was a time when our little group at church would say we were FINE, meaning Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. I’m fine, since you asked, LOL.

    Finding the right job for us is really tough. I think that sometimes we approach it, like we really NEED a job, ANY job, and that is not what employers are looking for. We know that we hate looking for jobs, interviewing for jobs, starting new jobs, so we will be there forever, but employers are not seeing it that way. And it seems like we get the jobs that we feel we did worst on the interview for — how does that happen? I think that employers want to pick someone who doesn’t want just any job, they want someone who wants THIS job. Someone who is confident about their abilities to do THIS job. Someone who cares enough about the company to do a little research, and who can come in and interview them about the job. Well, anyway, I HATE looking for jobs and want to stay where I am forever, even though it is below my skill set, and below what I need moneywise to live. So I feel your pain there. It does get better. Sometimes you get nothing for months, and then you get three jobs and have to pick between them.

    As for being angry with your friends about the podcast. It sounds like they got the wrong idea of what you were asking. Have you re-read the communication to try and figure out how they got the wrong impression? When we write something, we know what we mean, so the words just seem to fit our meaning in our brain, but another person doesn’t have it all filled in, and they may see the same words and get a different idea. With more than one of them having the same issue, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. And, while your at it, try to look at their suggestions without emotion, and maybe it can improve upon what you’ve begun.

    Moms can be tough. Is being lazy hurting you or hurting her? Usually it hurts us when we react with a behavior (or a lack of a behavior) to an emotional situation. I think we all have lazy days. But if you are calling it out here, maybe it is time to think about whether it is actually serving you or if you are serving it. Moms seem to be even tougher when we don’t have a job. Somehow they think making us feel worse about ourselves and the situation will help us land a better job. Sorry Mom, it doesn’t work that way.

    Unsure, I am sorry that you thought you were at a point with your friend, and she isn’t there yet. “Good friends” is really a good place to be in. There is no hope at all for a good marriage without good friendship. I understand the idea of not wanting to invest too much time in something that may not go where you want it to. I don’t know much about that. On the other hand, maybe she realizes she needs to mature more before she decides on the next step. So it might be more about her than about you? If that makes sense?

    It’s good to hear from you. And, I am glad that things have been, for the most part, great.

  25. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for providing us another update. I am sorry that you have had such an exhausting, emotionally draining week. Sometimes that happens, and I know it can be very hard. Don’t get too stuck looking at this one hard week you had, remember how far you have come and how well you have been doing! You are so strong and you have come so far. I know that things will continue to improve for you. You are a very kind person and you deserve so much! Stay strong, you can get through this!

    Sending lots of support,
    -Natalie

  26. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello colton95,

    Thank you for coming by and sharing another update with us. I’m sorry to hear about your resent setbacks. It’s important to remember that during these times where we feel like a setback occurred that we are still making progress. However, these setbacks can be difficult – especially if things were going good up until this point. When that happens, sometimes we feel like were right back where we started. But that is never the case! You have made great progress and I hope you remember that you’re doing a good job.

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling angry, dejected, lazy, and unsure. These emotions are difficult to deal with alone but all together at once seem even harder. This was a difficult week and I hope you can do something to celebrate that the week is over.

    The paragraph you wrote about feeling unsure was very powerful. You have been through a lot and I hope you know that it’s okay to feel unsure. There is a lot going on and these negative emotions can complicate things even further. However, you have made so much progress that I’m sure things will start looking up as you’re doing a great job thus far on the healing process.

    Thank you for coming by with another update and I hope you find the responses we give helpful.

  27. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Colton95,

    That does sound like a discouraging week. I’m sorry you’ve hit a rough patch. I understand. Your feelings are valid. Sometimes it’s okay to get lost in your emotions. Hopefully the weekend brings you some peace.

    All the best,
    Becca

  28. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    I am so sorry you had a rough week,, I know the feeling of negative things piling up but know it is normal to be upset. Write down who you feeling on a journal or use music to help out. We are here for you homie we care for you!

  29. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hey Colton95,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know what it feels like to be cruising along, feeling okay, and then negative things just start piling up. You’re not overreacting, you’re entitled to feel all of the things you’re feeling. I hope that sharing here has been helpful in processing and relieving some of what your negative feelings, but please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you’re able to see a counselor regularly, that may help you now and prevent this type of reaction from happening again. If you don’t have access to a counselor, please continue to share with us, write yourself a letter of your feelings (or a letter to those you’re angry with that you don’t send), or do something that you genuinely enjoy to take your mind off things and remind you that life can be good. We’re here for you!

    KatherineL

  30. mocha1821 Volunteer

    Hi colton95,

    I’m sorry this week has been hard for you. It is okay to feel what you’re feeling. It’s okay to let your emotions get the best of you sometimes. The road to healing is long and bumpy, but it will get better with time. Your podcast sounds like fun, I hope you’re able to continue with it!

  31. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I’m sorry that this week was hard for you. It is okay to feel how you want to feel. You have a right to be mad, angry, lazy, dejected, and anything else that you feel. Like you said you can be letting your emotions get the best of you, but you are allowed to. Everyone feels the way that you feel some times. It will get better. This is just one small bump in the long road. If you need anything else we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  32. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back for an update. I am so sorry that all of this is happening, and that you are feeling this way. Please remind me, are you currently seeing a counselor? Seeing one regularly might really help when these weeks get particularly shitty. I know therapy has really helped me. Let us know what else we can do-we are here for you.

    Erin