i had shared my story on here about two or three years ago under a different user, but i couldn’t seem to remember my user or password so i made a new account. but an update from when i shared my story; i have a loving and caring boyfriend now. but he recently told me he had “boxed” my r*pist before their soccer game (they’re on the same soccer team for my high school), i honestly thought he was lying when he told me. i asked him why he did it and he said “everyone knows we don’t like each other because of what he did. they wanted us to fight, so i gave them one and i won.” i denied it and said “okay” and carried on, things were okay for a while until earlier today, a friend of mine that was there when it happened (bless his heart, he wasn’t aware of my story and my r*pist) had showed me the video of them FIGHTING and i rewatched it three times because i wasn’t registering what was happening and i just got a REALLY bad feeling. i don’t know why, i told my boyfriend not to get involved because i didn’t want him to carry this on him. i don’t know what to do, i feel so ill and anxious. can someone please help me?


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34 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi morelikeoceans,
    I’m so sorry that this is happening. It is good to hear back from you, I wish things were better. Thank you for updating us. I think if this is what your boyfriend wants to do there might not be any stopping him. He loves you and this is kinda his way of showing/telling you that. I know that what he did was not the right way to handle things. I think if you talk to him and explain that you don’t want him to get involved like this he will stop. Violence is never the answer to anything and I think if you tell him how you feel and tell him what you want him to do, it will make it easier for him to know how to handle this situation your r*pist is putting him and you in. Again thank you for updating us and writing back. If you need anything else we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  2. Ashley Day Captain

    Welcome back to our community, morelikeoceans.

    After watching the video, it sounds like you were able to grasp the reality of what happened between your boyfriend and the person who raped you. I’m thinking that you didn’t expect something like this to happen; understandably, this situation is causing you to feel uneasy. Wanting your boyfriend to distance himself from the situation isn’t an unreasonable request to make. If something is causing you to feel uncomfortable, some changes should be made. You have the right to set boundaries and expect them to be respected.

    Please know we’re here for you.

    Ashley

  3. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there morelikoceans,

    That sounds like a difficult time and I’m glad you came here to get support. As you can see from all the comments, there’s a bunch of us here with you. You are not alone. It makes sense you were feeling ill and anxious after all of this. AVFTI offers a bunch of great resources, which can be found under the help page. I hope you’ve found some peace since posting. Please come back here at any time.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  4. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    It’s great to hear that you have a loving and caring boyfriend. It’s understandable that you were having bad feelings upon watching your boyfriend get involved in a fight. It’s okay to not know what to do immediately as it sounds shocking just watching the fight happen. I cannot give you advice on what to do as I don’t know everything that’s happening, and you know your situation best. You mentioned feeling ill and anxious—if you need someone to talk to immediately, please don’t hesitate to reach out to Crisis Text Line by texting VOICE to 741741. Take care.

  5. musicislove

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    I’m sorry for what you went through and that the person that hurt you is still around. I’m glad you have a boyfriend that loves and cares about you so much. I get that your friend didn’t know about your history with the person your boyfriend fought but I’m sorry you saw that video, I could see how that could be traumatizing. I understand why you feel so anxious about all of this, hopefully he will respect your wishes and back off from confronting him again. Thank you for coming here and sharing what happened, we’re always here for you if you want to share again.

    Delaney

  6. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m really sorry about what happened to you all those years ago and that your you-know-what is still around and not behind bars. I’m glad that you have a loving and supportive boyfriend, although by beating up the you-know-what he probably went a little too far. Still, it seems like he really cares for you and I hope that he will continue to do so in productive and healthy ways. If you really didn’t want your boyfriend to get involved, try talking to him and let him know that beating up the you-know-what isn’t making you feel better but rather making you feel worse. Do this when you feel comfortable to do so. In general, I hope you are doing well. Stay strong! Feel free to reach out to anyone here if you need to talk or vent.

  7. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi morelikeoceans,
    I’m so glad that you have a caring boyfriend. I understand why you’re feeling anxious about what happened – you told him not to get involved, but he did. I think it could help to get to the root of these strong feelings, then when you’re comfortable, you could tell him why you didn’t want him to get involved. It may help him understand how this is affecting you, and you can firmly state your boundaries.
    Thank you for updating us. Please let us know if you need anything or if you just want to talk. We’re in your corner, and you can do this!

  8. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there, morelikeoceans,

    It sounds like this was a really triggering experience for you. I think that your boyfriend might have gotten involved as a means of protecting you, even though you asked him not to. Talking him through why you need him to back off from your abuser and the impact that the fight had on you is probably a good way to handle this situation. It really does sound like your boyfriend was coming from a place of concern. It’s also just important that he understands that his actions have a consequence on you, as well. Sending you lots of good vibes! You know you’re always welcome to come and update us!

  9. Jess Volunteer

    I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found someone who loves and cares for you. I’m sorry to hear that he took this action without consulting you first. Your feelings are definitely valid. He probably felt like he was defending or protecting you in some manner, but he took action on your behalf without talking to you, which is not fair to you at all. I would suggest, like others, to think about your emotions and your reaction to the video and communicate those feelings with your boyfriend. Communication with our loved ones is necessary. I hope you’re able to come to an understanding with him. In the meantime, if you need anything at all, we are always here and we believe you. Thank you for trusting us with your story and continuing to share with us. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  10. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey morelikeoceans,

    Thanks for coming back. How you are feeling after watching that video is completely valid – seeing your rapist act aggressively with a cared one can cause these feelings. I’m sure your boyfriend thought he was defending you, but it’s understandable that seeing your boyfriend act similarly as your abuser (aka them in a physical fight with each other) is unsettling. Would you feel comfortable having a conversation with your boyfriend about how this has made you feel? I think some discussions on the best way for him to support you may be helpful. It seems that he cares about you, and I would hope he is receptive to your wants around such a sensitive issue. We are always here for you, come back if you would like to share more. You got this!! Keep your chin up!

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  11. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear morelikeoceans,
    Thank you for coming back to share more with us. It is understandable that this event left you feeling ill and anxious. As others have said, your boyfriend probably thought that he was defending or standing up for you, but he made a decision for and about you without your input. This may feel like a subsequent violation to the one you already experienced. Take some time to really explore your feelings about the situation to discover the root of your upset about it. Once you do this, it may help you understand what to do next. Communication with your boyfriend is also important, but should be done once you understand where your strong feelings are coming from.
    Others have mentioned the Crisis Text Line, which you may find helpful. Our Find Help tab has a variety of other resources you might like as well. Do you have a trusted adult that you can talk with about the whole situation? Please feel free to post to us as often as you would like.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  12. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    morelikeoceans,
    Hi there, I am happy you have a caring boyfriend, you deserve that. And thank you for coming back and going through the hassle of making a new account. I am sorry that he had to tell you that. I understand that upset you alot. You care about him for one, two no one likes seeing someone they care about fight. He might have been trying to be like he was hornoring your name or something like out of some movie but it was something you didnt need to know and it was something he didnt need to get invloved in. He didnt even think of how it was going to make you feel. And that is important and I think of his urge to avenge what happened to you he lost sight of what is most important and that is you. I am sure watching those videos were hard as well. Your boyfriend really does care about you tho. And it seems like he does want to be there and take care of you…he just might want to not use his fist next time. Please come back any time. And i hope everything works out. We arw always here for you.

    Kristin

  13. Rustin Day Captain

    Hi morelikeoceans,
    I am happy that you have found someone that cares about you and wants to protect you. I agree with you when you told your boyfriend not to get involved because it is not his fight. An idea that you may want to consider is to speak with him seriously and let him know how you feel about the whole situation and how he handled things. I would be uncomfortable if someone acted on my behalf. Keep a calm mindset and make sure to communicate effectively. Good luck!

  14. meg Volunteer

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    I am happy to hear that you are in a relationship with someone you can trust! Thank you for updating us. I am sorry that you are in a situation that is upsetting and a reminder of the trauma you faced. It feels like your partner was trying to do something to feel like they could fix what happened by hurting someone who hurt you. I don’t think they took into consideration how it would effect you. I hope you feel safe enough that you can ask them to not fight anymore? It seems like watching the video also is going to hurt you more. Try to take some time to journal what you’re feeling and the experience. It could help you navigate the complexity of the situation. Keep
    us updated!
    —Meg

  15. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    Thank you for coming to give us an update on your story. Glad to hear that you now have a loving and caring boyfriend who respects you. I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend was getting in fights with that other guy. Unfortunately, some guys think that is a good way to settle their differences even though it certainly is not. I feel like you may not want to watch the video anymore, as it will probably just continue to stress you out. You could definitely talk to your boyfriend and tell him it makes you nervous when he gets in fights. He may not realize the position it puts you in.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  16. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    I think that’s such an strong point that you have with the support that you have found in your new boyfriend! Sharing with him how you feel could be a peace of mind & be a comfort for you. You can’t change what he did in the past, but you can change what’s happens now. Thanks for sharing. Please come & share again. Keep on taking care of you!
    Dawn

  17. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you had to watch this. Maybe in a good or appropriate moment, tell your new boyfriend that you’d like to be left out of it. That’s awsome you are in a loving and caring relationship! I’m so happy for you. Keep hanging in there. You are doing great!

    Ryan

  18. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so glad you have such a great guy in your life! I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling. While you can’t change what he did in the past, it might make him think twice about his future actions. He loves you and I’m sure he will consider your feelings more next time. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you out more. We’re here for you, no matter what!

    Marissa

  19. Sschwartzberg24 Volunteer

    I am so proud of you for coming back to the chat and reaching out. What you are feeling is totally understandable in this situation. Make sure to make time for you often we focus so much on caring for everyone else. You are so brave and amazing. I know this all takes alot of courage but I know you can do it.

  20. myazojo Volunteer

    I can understand this feeling of anxiety, and I am sorry you are going that way. I am glad you are feeling better about this relationship, and if he is caring as you say he is, he is probably just trying to look out for you, but I can understand why you would be uncomfortable. we are very proud of what you, and I am glad you came back to update us. Maybe you could just talk to him about needing him to respect your boundaries, even if that means not talking to the other person. Keep us updated.

  21. sam Volunteer

    I’m glad things have gotten better since you last shared with us. It makes sense that you’re feeling anxious about the stuff that’s happened recently. I’m sure your boyfriend thinks he’s just looking out for you and wasn’t trying to make you feel like this, but that doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t totally valid. I would suggest having an open conversation with him about how this affected you and that he needs to respect your boundaries, no matter how well-intentioned he is. We are really proud of you for doing so well and hope you keep us updated!

  22. Stellablue Volunteer

    morelikeoceans,
    I’m glad you shared this update and your life is going well! That seems like a very scary situation to be in. I’m sure your boyfriend was just trying to protect you in the only way he knew how, although violence can be a scary solution. Have you tried talking to him about how it made you feel? Having an open conversation may help him realize that actions like that are not what you need from him, just his continued love and support. I’m glad he is treating you well personally. Please keep posting and sharing I hope everything works out so you can feel better!

  23. SydSquid Volunteer

    Hey morelikeoceans,
    Thank you for sharing this update. I’m really happy that you found a boyfriend that is so loving and supportive! It’s so understandable that you felt so uncomfortable when you saw your boyfriend fight your r*pist. I feel the best thing you could do is just talk to your boyfriend and tell him how uncomfortable it made you to see him fight. The best way to feel better about things that are making you anxious is talking about your experiences on sites like this or even just writing in a journal about how you are feeling. Just any way to get what is inside of you out in a healthy way.
    We are always here to listen to you.

  24. zoeyb

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    Thank you for sharing with us again. I can definitely see how frightening that would be for you, I’m so sorry you had to see that video. If it’s too anxiety-provoking right now to talk face to face with your boyfriend about this, maybe try writing out what you’re feeling and what you wish to say to him once you’re ready. Trust your instincts, you are incredibly strong! We are all here for you, let us know anytime how you are.

  25. Megan Volunteer

    Hey morelikeoceans,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We will definitely do our best to try to help you. First, I think it’s great that you are currently with a loving and caring boyfriend; you deserve to be treated right. I’m sorry that you got put in this situation with your boyfriend fighting your rapist. I can imagine it feels like a really tough place to be in. There are a couple things that I can think of that might help you out. There are a lot of calming exercises, such as breathing exercises, that you can try to keep your anxiety under control (https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety-exercises#thought-cycle). Also, if you’re not sure why this situation has given you a really bad feeling, you could try journaling about it to see if that helps you figure out what exactly is bothering you so you can address it. Finally, I would just have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about what is bothering you. My guess is that he didn’t mean to upset you and maybe even thought he was being a good friend by doing that. I would explain to him that it makes you uncomfortable that he did that and reiterate that you would like him to stay out of the situation in the future.

    We are always here if you need anything,
    Megan

    1. Edjay Volunteer

      Hi morelikeoceans,

      It’s great to hear that you have a loving and caring boyfriend. It’s understandable that you were having bad feelings upon watching your boyfriend get involved in a fight. It’s okay to not know what to do immediately as it sounds shocking just watching the fight happen. I cannot give you advice on what to do as I don’t know everything that’s happening, and you know your situation best. You mentioned feeling ill and anxious—if you need someone to talk to immediately, please don’t hesitate to reach out to Crisis Text Line by texting VOICE to 741741. Take care.

  26. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Your concern in this situation is definitely expected. Unfortunately, we cannot control what others do or think, but we can control our own thoughts and actions. Obviously, it would be best if he wouldn’t get involved but you can really only verbalize this. Perhaps encouraging him to be the bigger person through this. Having a conversation like so could be beneficial for you and your relationship. If you find yourself wanting to keep us updated, we would love to hear what’s on your mind to support you and be here for you!
    Stay strong <3

  27. lizzi

    Hey morelikeoceans,
    Thank you for coming back and updating us. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found a loving boyfriend! I’m sorry to hear that things have gotten complicated with him fighting your r*pist. I can imagine that brought up a lot of feelings, and it sounds like it’s causing you a lot of confusion in your relationship. Would you feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about what happened, and how it’s made you feel? I’d like to think that he didn’t mean to hurt you by fighting him, but some clarification might help. Keep us updated if you feel comfortable, as we’re here for you and we support you. If you need immediate support, you can text VOICE to 741741 and talk to a counselor. I hope you start to feel better soon.

  28. Solongago Volunteer

    Hello morelikeoceans,

    Thank you for sharing your story and your concerns with this.

    How you are feeling about this is understandable. Since I do not know the whole story, but you said, “rapist” it sounds like you were hurt badly by someone who used violence and force. I don’t know if this was a previous boyfriend of yours, if so than someone you trusted, used you foully against your will. And it is understandable that seeing violence in the current boyfriend will trigger some unpleasant feelings and nervousness.

    It sounds like you are both still in high school? It may be that he hasn’t developed skills yet to know when and when not to interfere and how to do talk about it to you, and how to manage his own anger and frustration at the situation. I suppose what I am saying is that he is a young man and not necessarily hopeless. It is concerning that he jumped to a violent reaction to what happened, but he may see it as a service to you, romantic, or kind of a show of his loyalty.

    Do you have a therapist or a pastor who you have talked about the rape to? It could be very helpful for you to talk about this as well and if possible to have you BF come with you so that maybe between the support person and yourself, you can help him understand why this wasn’t a good idea and how it makes you feel.

    I am sorry that you have such weighty matters at a time that should be fun and care-free. We are here for you whenever you need to talk about this stuff.

  29. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming back to update us. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. The way you are feeling is very valid and normal. I am sorry that you are still in close proximity with your rapist. Please know that none of this is your fault. We have a text help line that you are welcome to use to text with a trained counselor immediately. All you need to do is text VOICE to 741-741 anytime 24/7. I think this may be helpful for you. Do you have any family members or friends that you trust to talk to about how you are feeling? Have a support system can be very helpful. We are here for you and we are on your side. You are welcome to come back here to share with us as much as you would like! Please be kind to yourself and stay strong!

    -Natalie

  30. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hey morelikeoceans,

    Thank you for coming back to share more. You’re always welcome here and I hope you find our responses helpful!

    I’m happy to hear that you have a loving and caring boyfriend now. Having people in our lives to give us positive emotions can really help through the healing process.

    I’m sorry to hear that you feel ill and anxious. It sounds like there’s a lot of strong emotions and that can make people feel overwhelmed. This must be difficult to deal with and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. First off, it’s important to know that none of this is your fault. I hope you feel this way as it’s true! The feelings you are having are valid, you are going through a lot. You sound very strong for being able to make it through all this!

    I hope there are people in your life you can trust to help you through this difficult time and I hope that writing things out here and the responses are helpful. If your high school has a guidance counselor, speaking to them is an option as everything you tell them is 100% confidential and they can’t tell anyone what you tell them.

    You are always welcome back here!

  31. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry that this happened. Please text our crisis text line, which we might not have had when you shared your story initially, VOICE to 741 741 for some more immediate help. Is there someone else that may be able to help you in talking to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling? Maybe having someone help and be there with you could be beneficial. Let us know how else we can help you.

    Erin

  32. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi morelikeoceans,

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling conflicted and overwhelmed right now. While I’m not certain your boyfriend had ill intentions for fighting your attacker, your feelings of discomfort are valid. You asked him not to get involved and he didn’t listen. Given the circumstances I can see how that would make you feel uncomfortable. Are you able to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend safely? Maybe with a trusted third party present? Please feel free to reach out again whenever you need to. We’re here for you!

    All the best,
    Becca

  33. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    I would talk with your bf and understand he was acting in your defense. Let him know that it wasn’t the most wisest choice. Advice him their are better choices to handle situations like these and sit with him and talk. I know it is a difficult situation but violence isn’t the answer.