I’m so frustrated and confused right now.

I’ll set the scene. Yesterday, my parents, my sister, and I went shopping for clothes. My mom and sister tend to have conflicts about what to wear, so I knew there would be an argument. Lo and behold, there was. In summary, this argument was about choosing between two sweaters. I didn’t offer my opinions because I’ve been yelled at for “getting involved” in the past. The only thing I did was accompany my sister when she was in the fitting room. At some point, my dad left the store for a couple of minutes, and my mom was extremely angry about that. My dad said that she could have asked him to stay or texted him or something.

So my dad was yelled at out of nowhere. He yelled some stuff at us. He was upset and decided to drive recklessly through the streets, casually putting at least 4 lives at risk by accelerating a lot and nearly hitting the people in front of us. We were all scared, and I knew the worst thing in that moment would be getting into an accident. Thankfully we didn’t.

The rest of the day went by. My mom wasn’t talking to any of us. I bought lunch so we could eat. I told her I bought lunch, and I thought she would eat, but she didn’t. In the past, if something like this happened and we didn’t ask if she had eaten, she would use that against us later – saying that we didn’t care. However, if we did ask, she was hostile. Either way, we couldn’t win.

I thought things would improve today. My dad acknowledged me this morning, which was nice. My mom is still actively ignoring us, and she’s hostile when she has to say something.

I don’t know what to say right now. I’ve never seen anyone else get angry about things like this, and I’m honestly so confused right now. I don’t know why she’s mad at me, and I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been trying to stay out of the way because the last thing I want is to be yelled at. I don’t understand why having a different opinion on something makes her so angry. Sometimes it feels like they see disagreement as rebellion, even though it’s just a difference in opinion.

I feel like my sister and I have tried everything in the past. We’ve tried to calmly explain our point of view, but they’re not receptive when they’re mad. They discount our opinions even when they’re not mad. After a certain point, they refuse to talk. Now we’ve resorted to waiting until things blow over because that seems like the best thing to do right now.

As all this is happening, I keep wondering if I’ve done something wrong. I love my parents, but I’m angry about the ways in which they’ve mistreated us. I’ve been conditioned to think that I’m ungrateful and selfish whenever I question them because they’ve told me that in the past. I question if I complain about them too much or if I fail to consider what they’ve done for me. I almost always wonder if I’m overexaggerating and failing to consider other people. I will say it’s difficult for me to show them I care because of how they’ve treated me. I’ve been conditioned to think that I’m a burden whenever I confide in people I trust. There are moments in which I trust myself, but it is difficult to tune my parents out when they say we’re exaggerating or selfish.

I try to see things from their point of view. I think about if there’s any way I can be better, and I work on that. My anger has been squashed down a lot growing up, and it’s been building up as a result. I get angry with them more easily, but I try not to lash out and I usually succeed. I try to write about it and release it in a healthy way. However, I can feel this anger getting stronger, and I don’t want to explode. I’ve tried so hard to empathize with them, but I’m exhausted. I can’t force them to change, but I don’t know if I should be more assertive. They don’t respond well when we try to be assertive.

I don’t want to blame them for all the bad things in my life. However, there are times when I wonder: if they had reacted differently, would I have been better off?

I talked to a counselor a while ago, and she told me that it’s emotional abuse. I explained some incidents to her, and she believes those incidents were examples of gaslighting. I’ve read about the symptoms of emotional abuse and gaslighting, and I relate to these things. Our friends have told us that what they’re doing is not normal. Yet I still wonder if there’s something wrong with me for seeing it this way, and I don’t know if I’m seeing things clearly.

They’ve controlled so many parts of my life that it feels like I have to climb mountains to break free. As a result of all this, I’ve been feeling trapped. I want to move out. They know I want to move out, and they said they would be open to it once the pandemic dies down. I want that to happen soon, and I hope they mean what they say. All I want is the space to express myself freely and live my life according to my values.

Thank you for reading this novel, and I hope everyone is doing well. 


Join the Conversation

41 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for coming back to share an update. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling frustrated and confused. I’m sorry to hear that it’s hard to know how to approach your mum when she’s angry. I think it’s nice that you ask if she wants some lunch. Even if she responds in a hostile way, I’m sure deep down she really does appreciate it. Sometimes when people are angry they don’t think about how their actions can hurt other people. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and it’s clear that you love your parents, and your sister, and that you are there for them both. It’s very mature of you to try and put yourself in their shoes. Not everyone has the ability to do that. You deserve the space to express yourself! Hope you get to move out when you feel safe.

    Stay strong,
    T

  2. Mary Ella Day Captain

    Hi music2799,

    I am so sorry that you are getting this treatment from your parents. I empathize with your difficulties trying to communicate with parents who have very different views. This must be so frustrating for you and your sister, and I wish things were a bit easier for you both. How your parents deal with anger is definitely something that should not be normalized, and you don’t deserve to be in fear when you have a different opinion from them. Props to you for being so patient and understanding for so long! Hang in there. I hope that you’re able to move out soon because you deserve to be in a safe space to express yourself. If you ever need to talk, feel free to come back and post again! We are here for you.

  3. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    hey music2799,
    I’m sorry you and your parents are having a difficult time communicating and being around each other right now. I know how it feels to have parents with different views which leads to arguments, but your mom drawing it out for so long is not normal. I can’t imagine the frustration and anger you are going through because you don’t want to make them any more angry than they are but you also want them to see it from your view and be understanding. Someone can be understanding of another person’s viewpoint even if they do not agree with it. I hope you get to move out soon though, that seems to help a lot of people who have issues like this with their parents, including myself. Once you move out and are on your own showing them you are a capable person they should lighten up a little bit. Until you move out hang in there and stay strong! We are here for you!

  4. candyappleb Day Captain

    Hi music2799,

    I am so sorry that your parents treat you this way. I understand what you mean when you feel like it is “normal” in a certain regard. Growing up in a home and enduring similar incidents and experiences they do seem “normal” in a sense unless you are on the outside looking in. Rest assured, as confusing as it seems you did nothing wrong. I hope the tension eases soon. I know how stressful it can be to exist in that type of environment especially in the midst of an argument and the aftermath. We’re here for you! Please feel free to write again, anytime.

    All the best,
    Becca

  5. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    I’m sorry things are so difficult with your parents. I agree that what your parents are doing isn’t normal and it isn’t right. They shouldn’t be treating you that way at all. I’m glad you have been able to talk about this with your therapist and hopefully they can continue to be a supportive outlet. Hopefully things will get better with your parents once you move out and there is some space. Thanks for the update.

  6. leoreslavick Volunteer

    Hi music2799,
    Thank you for sharing with us. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are being put in that frustrating situation. I can’t imagine what it is like to live in an environment like that. Your living situation plays a huge role on your mental health and your current mood so I am so sorry that you have to continue to live in an environment that negatively affects those things. I would suggest for you to continue to talk to your therapist about your situation and see if there are some things that you can do to help the situation until you move out.

  7. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that frustrating situation. I don’t think I can say whether or not what you’re dealing with is abuse, but it does sound very manipulative and I think your feelings are 100% valid. How your parents are acting seems very childish and petty, and it’s not fair that you have to go through that.

    I’m glad you’ve talked to a therapist about it! Maybe it would be helpful to continue seeing them so you can work through your anger. You’re not wrong to feel angry with them and about the situation, but working through the anger might help you feel better.

    I hope you get to move out soon! That sounds like it would give you a lot of well-deserved relief! Please let us know if we can help you in any way. We are here for you 🙂

    Marissa

  8. jyoung Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Thank you for coming back to update us. I’m so sorry this happened, and I’m sorry your current living situation is affecting you in so many negative ways. It is not fair that you feel like you can not express yourself in the manner you’d like. I know how difficult it can be to find comfort in an environment so often surrounded by hostility. It saddens me that your parents are unwilling to communicate with you, leaving you to make assumptions about how they’re feeling towards you and your sister. I hope you know that you are always welcome here. I hope things get better, and I hope to hear from you soon.

    Take care,
    Jasmine

  9. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hello Music2799,

    As I was reading your story I could not help but feel like you were also describing my own upbringing. I have gone through essentially the exact same emotions that you have. Constantly wondering is it me? And also feeling guilty and like I am the selfish one. It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought as to what could be causing their outbursts. After a lot of therapy, I have realized that those types of unwarranted outbursts are more about them than me. It can feel so upsetting to have someone be violent towards you over seemingly trivial things, especially when nothing has happened to warrant that type of behavior. What I’ve realized is that it’s something going on in their lives that is causing these outbursts, whether it’s recent events or things from early childhood that has triggered the upset. I want you to know that it is not you. You should try your best to live your life according to what you want out of it, without worrying about them or what they may think. It is much more freeing to live for yourself than to live for others. It’s best to just try and let go and live each day trying to do the best that you can do for yourself and your happiness.

    I wish you all the best. I hope things get better.

  10. coachdiggs Volunteer

    Hello Music2799,
    First I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story with everybody. I am truly sorry that you have been going though alot of things. I hope that it will get better overtime. I would say try to not let it bother you so much then it will lead to stress. I do hope that your parent will get where you are coming from. If you need more help try to get an counselor, so maybe it can let you get rid of some stress by venting. Lastly, I wanted to say thank you again for sharing your story again.
    Kevin

  11. brookeA Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for confiding in us. I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation right now. It sounds very stressful and emotionally exhausting, and I can definitely understand why you want to move out. It’s admirable that you are trying to see things from their point of view, and I hope your parents start to put in as much work into the relationship as you do and give you the emotional support you need and deserve. Thankfully, the pandemic seems like it is starting to slow down, so I hope you are able to have that space where you can express yourself freely. Please feel free to come back and share more. Take care!

  12. musicislove

    Hi music2799,

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your family right now. Family stress can be so frustrating especially when there’s hostility and silence. You didn’t do anything wrong, these issues are with your parents. You are never a burden for confiding in someone you trust, you should be able to talk about things that bother you when you feel like you need to. The build up of anger is completely understandable, and although it’s good that you keep yourself from lashing out, you need to let it out in some way so that you can work through it. Feeling trapped makes sense after everything you’ve been through and how they handled things, hopefully when you do get the chance to move out that it’s a good step for you. Sending you hope and strength, thank you for the update!

    Delaney

  13. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello music2799,

    It’s great to see you back for another update. I’m sorry to hear what has been going on with your parents! I know that this has been an ongoing conflict from some of your last stories. I hope you know that you don’t deserve this treatment and you did nothing wrong. It sounds to me like you handled the situation well and responsibly. This shows a lot of emotional maturity. Sometimes our parents might be older and wiser than us, but not as emotionally mature. This doesn’t excuse their actions though. I hope that as time goes on you don’t have to deal with this behavior, you are doing great work and making big improvements in your own life. We love to see it! Thank you for coming here and sharing your story with us and we will always be here when you need us 🙂

  14. haesol Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for sharing. I’m really sorry you’re going through this tough situation, it sounds quite scary. It is understandable and completely valid to express your feelings about it. They shouldn’t let out their anger and misunderstanding onto you, you don’t deserve that. You did nothing wrong. You have all the right to question how things have turned out and why things occur. You are not a burden, and you deserve to be heard.

    I hope you get to move out soon, and that things get better.

    Stay safe.

  15. DY17654 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think you questions to yourself are understandable since it is your parents, but in no way are you to blame for how they are treating you. You love your parents and you want to feel that in return. This would certainly be very stressful for someone in your position and I am sorry you have to deal with that. It is good that you have started to talk with someone about this. It seems your counselor is hitting at the main points as to why your experiencing this: it is more so them dealing with things that are then being taken out on you. The main thing to try and hold onto is just that: this is not your fault. I hope you continue your communication with your counselor and with us. And hopefully your home life will get better in the future. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Dustin

  16. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. First, I’m so sorry you’re going through harsh times. It’s not your fault for your parents taking their frustrations out on you because they can’t control their emotions. You shouldn’t have to be cautious or wondering what to do if they lash out on you. I’m sorry your current living situation is causing so much stress for you. However, it’s good that you have talked to a counselor. I hope you know you are a person of value. I hope you’ll continue to communicate with your counselor. I wish the best for you in the future and hope that your situation gets better. Stay strong!

  17. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi music2799,
    Sorry, you are having to go through all of this! It sounds like the situation at the store was definitely drawn out and taken farther than it should have gone, but do not blame yourself! You did what you could do to avoid the argument by not offering any opinion. I am sorry you felt unsafe on the way home, you did not deserve that but I am glad you made it back safely.
    Overall, it seems like you are a really reflective person and have tried to see things from multiple perspectives. I applaud you for that because it can be really difficult sometimes. You have tried a lot of different avenues to help resolve things which is really respectable and there is definitely nothing wrong with you. I think you have a right to be angry about how you are treated because you should feel loved and safe at home.
    Moving out is a big step, but it seems like it would be a good option for you! It may help things to settle down and create some space while not totally distancing yourself from your family. I am glad that so far they are on board with the idea too. Your counselor may be able to offer some other ideas if you decide to explore other avenues.

  18. Ashley Day Captain

    music2799,

    In a way, I believe it might have been helpful to expect an argument because I feel like that allowed you to prepare for the events that were going to unfold. When your dad said that your mom could have asked him to stay or texted him, it sounds like he was handling the situation well; he told her what she can do next time to avoid her becoming angry with him. It’s not okay that your mom yelled at him, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that he yelled at the three of you and drove recklessly.
    Your mom giving you silent treatment is uncalled for; she’s the parent and she should know when to admit her wrongdoings. You could have chosen not to buy her food out of spite, but I can tell that you were being the bigger person and wanted things to return to normal. It’s tough to be in a position where you feel like you can’t win.
    I wish that your mom wasn’t leaving you in the dark to the point where you’re wondering why she’s mad and what you could have done wrong. Truthfully, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You didn’t offer your opinions and you have been trying to stay out of the way. You’re not a burden, selfish, or ungrateful. You are considering other people since you think about ways you can improve.
    It seems like the counselor provided you with insight into your parents’ behaviors; I agree that this is emotional abuse. I hope that you can move out to have space from them and begin to live a life of your own.

    Do something nice for yourself this weekend.

    Ashley

  19. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    I first want to say that this is not your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re doing nothing to cause this behavior. Trust your instincts on this. A common (and often intentional) outcome of emotional abuse and gaslighting is the person questioning their thoughts/feelings, blaming themselves and feeling stuck and/or afraid. You’re not alone in feeling these things, but it doesn’t mean they’re true. You don’t deserve this treatment, everyone should feel safe and welcome in their home. It sounds like moving out and creating some distance may be a good thing for you. I know that’s a big step to take but perhaps a necessary one. Until then, instead of being aggressive, could you try to set boundaries? For example, asking for an apology? Or refusing to go somewhere when you think it will end in an argument? Just some ideas and I know others have shared good ideas here too. Hang in there!

    KatherineL

  20. colton95 Volunteer

    It seems like your parents are emotionally unstable and unavailable at the moment and are taking out their frustrations on you and your sister. It’s way too easy for parents to get away with emotionally or even physically abusing their children because of their “authority” over their children. I put the blame on the phrase “children should be seen and not heard.” You absolutely deserve to be heard; if not by your parents then by your counselor who I hope will continue to be supportive or by a realtor who can help you find an apartment at an affordable price. I hope that you and your sister will be okay and that you’ll find a way to release your anger in a productive and non-violent manner. Stay safe and positive!

  21. sarahsays Volunteer

    Hey there,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your parents taking things out on you because they are unable to regulate their own emotions is not your fault. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are walking around eggshells with your own family.

    Please remember this is not your fault. And it’s true, the environment we are raised in impacts us, but there’s the light at the end of the tunnel which will be exactly what you described: your own place of safety and privacy to express yourself openly and freely.

    Hang on to that plan no matter what they say or do. If you know it’s what you want – go for it. This is your life and happiness and it DOES get better.

    Hope you’ll update us again soon.

    Take care,
    Sarah

  22. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi there,
    I’m sorry your parents have constantly put you through traumatizing arguments and forms of emotional abuse. You & your sister don’t deserve any of that and I think it’s good that you have each other to get through those episodes. You seem to act upon it as mature as possible to avoid any extra feuds. Your feelings are completely valid though and you are a much bigger person by releasing your anger in a healthy way by writing it down! I hope that if you continue to see your counselor she is able to better help you recover from all of those moments and grow stronger from it. If you do move out I hope that leads you to a much happier and healthier lifestyle. Hang in there, you’re doing great I am rooting for you and sending you lots of love to get through this!!

  23. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, music2799. That sounds like a crazy day. I’m sorry your parents put you through that. You absolutely acted like a mature and responsible adult in the situation. I’m sorry your parents couldn’t do that. I think that happens to a lot of us with a history of trauma – we outgrow/out-mature our parents. I definitely believe if my mother had reacted differently in some situations, I would be better off. I can’t change that, but I can move forward and try not to do what she did. I don’t blame you for getting angry. Unfortunately in situations like this, the burden is pushed onto us to be better. Not to repair our parents, but to repair ourselves. Remember you are not responsible for them. It sounds like a really manipulative situation and I can see how it’s hard to break free. I believe you can though. Just keep the focus on yourself and what kind of person you want to be. I think you are doing a great job at such a young age and already on your way to living a much healthier and free adulthood.

  24. amilne9 Volunteer

    Dear music2799,

    Thank you so much for having the courage to share this story with us. I hope writing it all out and expressing your emotions helped a lot. I am so sorry that your parents have emotionally abused you, and you absolutely don’t deserve that kind of treatment. As for your mom and dad, it sounds like they are upset about something much bigger in their lives than a sweater, your dad leaving a store, or even you. It sounds to me like they are struggling with themselves someway, and they are taking out that anger on each other, you, and your sister. That is completely unfair to you, but to ease your mind, just try to remember that these emotions that they are feeling are not about you. I know when you are a victim of emotional abuse, whenever someone is mad or upset, your mind spins things around, replays mean and degrading things people have told you in the past, and somehow convinces you that you are a part of the problem. Know that none of this has to do with you. Your parents anger stems from something much deeper inside themselves, and you are not responsible for that. You can’t control their emotions, and they are going to be angry when they want to be angry, whether or not you have done everything right or everything wrong. I know its hard to live in a house where you feel like you are walking on egg shells, and I hope that you have the opportunity to move out soon. The truth is, if you are old enough and financially stable enough to move out, they don’t really have a say in what you do. I think that if you’ve really though over this option and are very sure that it is what you want to do, then you should do it. The way that your parents react is completely on them, and you have done nothing wrong, moving out is a completely normal thing. I really hoped this helped, as I know you must be really anxious about this situation. You sound like such a strong person, and you are enough. I am sending you all of the positivity and healing, and I pray that everything goes up from here for you, and if it doesn’t, know that we are all here for you to help you through.

    Much love,
    Ariana <3

  25. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for updating us. I’m sorry that you have to deal with all of that from your family, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling trapped. I’m proud of you for talking to a counselor. I think that’s a great step to take. Please remember that we are always here for you!

    Sending love and support,
    Karina

  26. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi music2799, I am sorry your parents are making things so stressful. I wonder what will be different, why they will support your moving out after Covid dies down and not now. I know that your relationship with your parents is really important to you, and when they do things like this it hurts you. It is sometimes like when we live with them, we are perpetually juveniles that they need to try to shape into who they want us to be. Getting your own place, even moving out with a roommate, can sometimes make that relationship a lot better because it is easier to enforce your boundaries. I think it can be easier simply because you DO have somewhere you can go. Not feeling trapped makes us more tolerant of the little things.

    That being said, moving out of my parents’ house was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It seemed the longer I stayed there, the harder it was. I did not want to move out and back in and out and back in like my oldest brother. I was in therapy for four years before I managed it. It did help my relationship with my mom a lot.

    I hope it works out for you that you can move out soon, and they will help and support you in doing that.

  27. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry for how your parents have been making you feel. No one deserves that, and it’s completely understandable you feel trapped and frustrated. It’s great that you spoke to a counselor about what’s been going on because you shouldn’t have to deal with this by yourself. Have you also spoken to your sister about how your feeling? Sometimes it help to speak to someone who is going through something similar. We’re always here if you need support, advice, or even just to vent.

    All the best,
    Rachel

  28. Starling Volunteer

    Hi music 2799,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with this right now. I agree with your friends and counselor. Your parents should not treat you like this. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about how they are acting. I really hope that you are able to move out soon so that you can be your own person and express yourself how you want. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  29. semperfi Volunteer

    Dear music2799, it is truly sad to hear this. Wittingly or not, you exposed the problem in your last paragraph “They’ve controlled so many parts of my life”. To controlling people, what they have to say is the only truth and if you don’t agree, they will do whatever it takes to show you why you’re wrong just to get back in control. They turn on you by degrading you, try to make you feel guilty, ungrateful, and selfish because you challenged their words.
    Everyone wants and needs to feel loved, appreciated and wanted and you are surely crying out for a taste of compassion. The way of your writing about the problems, show you have so much good to share. You show respect for your parents but it should be a two way street. You only want peace and tranquility, a little love without the guilt trip would be nice. Unfortunately, I believe you have to be brave and move out, if you can afford it. I do wish you the happiness and peace.
    Tony

  30. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there music 2799,
    I’m glad you shared! How your parents treat you is emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells wondering what you’ll do or say waiting for your parents explosion. I’m sorry your current living situation is causing so much stress for you. It’s good that you have talked to a counselor about all this. I can understand how your parents are towards you would leaving feeling as you do. It’s sad how you have to live with not knowing how it when your parents will respond to you. Emotional abuse just like any form of abuse is hard to recover from. I know any abuse is hurtful & wrong, but I believe emotional abuse is the toughest to recover from. Even though you have these feelings, I hope you know you are worthy, & a person of value. You have so much to offer. It breaks my heart hearing how you are breaking. I hope you’ll continue to reach out to your counselor. You deserve to be happy! Wishing you happiness ,& freedom. Take care of you.
    Dawn

  31. Lex Volunteer

    Hello music2799,

    Thank you for sharing with us! I am sorry that your parents are being like this towards you. You don’t deserve to be yelled at for having a different opinion than them. You should be able to have your own point of view on things without being dismissed. I am glad to hear that you have talked with a counsellor and she was able to tell you more about emotional abuse and gaslighting – this is a great step. Please know that none of this is your fault and that you have not done anything wrong. Just because they have done things for you in the past does not justify for this abuse. I hope that once the pandemic slows down you will be able to move out and find a healthy environment for you to live freely in.

    Stay strong! We are here for you, always!
    -Lex

  32. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there music2799,

    Thank you for putting trust in us and coming back to share. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It’s hard to feel unheard and unappreciated by those we care about, especially family. They shouldn’t be behaving in this way and gaslighting you. It’s not fair for you to feel that you have to tiptoe around them. You deserve an opportunity to feel heard and to express yourself. Please know that this space is safe for you to do so when you need. We are here for you.

    Carmen

  33. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,
    I’m so sorry that this happened. Your parents should be able to talk about what makes them upset instead of yelling or ignoring you. It does sound like emotional abuse just because there are healthier ways to handle anger. Have you tried to talk to your parents about this when they are calm? Maybe there is a way to get them to see where you are coming from and how their attitude affects you. Thank you for updating us. I hope things get better!
    -Alyssa

  34. tolleytn Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thank you for coming back to share your experiences with us. I know how difficult it can be when you’re surrounded by people who can be a bit hostile. It’s often very draining and I’m so sorry that you went through this.

    It personally helps me to remind myself that it is not my fault and that I cannot control other people’s emotions. It may seem simple, but maybe this small reminder could be beneficial to you. Remember that you are always welcome to come back and share updates with us here. Best of luck and I hope to hear from you soon!

    – Tiffany

  35. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share. I am so sorry that this happened and continues to happen, and that you are dealing with this from your parents, as you don’t deserve that. I don’t think anything is wrong with you. Even parents can be abusive-can gaslight. Can not communicate well. I know sometimes we tend to accept more abusive treatment from family, because the narrative is that they’re your family, and you just have to accept it. But regardless of if they were your parents or not, you don’t deserve that treatment. Moving out was really good for me, personally. I moved out at 19-I’m 26 now. If you can and are able to, I think you should-regardless of what your parents say. It could even be fun for you and your sister to move in together! But what whatever you decide, choose to do what’s best for your mental health-it’s okay to put yourself first. And, you can always come back here to share when you need.

    Erin

  36. Penrose Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us.

    I am sorry that you are going through that with your family. It sounds like you are finding ways to learn from it all, which is a super healthy way to learn from not-so-healthy experiences.

    This is a safe space to express yourself anytime!

  37. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Gosh, I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with that. It can be so frustrating when people respond in ways that do not seem to be productive to addressing the problem. It is controlling behavior – leaving you questioning what is going on and what you did wrong all while you’re trying to rectify any possible thing you thing you can think of that you’ve done. However, you didn’t do anything wrong and it sounds like there was a lot of overreacting going on. You recognize what is normal and abnormal behavior and that is why you are feeling so edgy about it all. You parents are adults and they will make their own decisions that you cannot control, but they should treat you with respect. Please take care of yourself and distance yourself from any emotional abuse situations. You don’t deserve to deal with that. I hope that this is something that is resolved soon and doesn’t continue to percolate. It sounds like moving out would be a positive next step for you. I hope that it is something that is becoming more of a reality for you as the pandemic is becoming more in control. You are always welcome to express yourself freely here and I hope you find comfort in that for the time being. Take care.

  38. JudithT Volunteer

    Hi music2799,

    Thanks for sharing your situation and feelings with us. It takes a lot of courage to confide in others, and I’m glad you’re reaching out!

    It sounds scary to be worried someone might inexplicably get mad at you or react in a dangerous/hostile manner. It can be confusing to know you’ve done nothing wrong and not understand why someone is acting so aggressively towards you. To me, it does sound like emotional abuse, and it makes sense to feel angry and frustrated when you realize that you’re being mistreated.

    I hope you can feel empowered to have confidence in yourself and trust yourself. Your feelings are real and valid. In the situation you described, you did nothing wrong. It sounds like this is a pattern of behavior that you’ve had to learn to adapt to. But your parents are responsible for their own dangerous and hurtful behaviors. Those are not your fault. You do not deserve this mistreatment.

    It does sound complicated and conflicting–they are your parents, and you love them. But it’s not selfish to have boundaries and it’s not selfish to want to be treated with respect. You are not a burden for having feelings. You are human. You are worthy of love and respect.

    I’m glad to hear that you’ve spoken with a counselor, and I hope you can continue to seek support from friends and mental health professionals. It may feel like you have to climb mountains, but you don’t have to do it alone. I hope soon you’ll be able to move out and find a healthy home environment where you can feel safe and live freely.

    Stay safe and take care,
    Judith

  39. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, music2799-

    It sounds like you are dealing with a rough time with your parents. It is strong of you to try to see things from their perspective and it is brave of you to talk to your counselor about it. Emotional abuse is, as you’ve probably been told, quite a bit different than physical abuse and it sometimes is difficult to identify. From this story and your observations, you are very mature to identify it and, even more, want to do something about it. You mentioned that you try not to lash out. That is one thing that no one can take from you- your reactions to situations. As you continue to grow in your situation, keep that in mind! It is critical that you are identifying that you want to live life according to your own values. Sometimes physical space away from people who live opposite of that is a positive thing, even if they are your family. You are an observant individual and I am inspired by your desire to make your life better and grow from these experiences. Keep fighting the good fight!

    Take care,
    Adrian

  40. sarahj Volunteer

    Hey music2799,

    Thanks for stopping in to share your predicament. I am sorry you are feeling so unheard by your parents. Also sorry that you feel like you have to tip toe around them, particularly with your feelings. That’s incredibly unfair.

    I don’t think your counselor was necessarily wrong, their behavior does sound a bit abusive… and a lot like gaslighting. As parents, or moreso as adults.. they shouldn’t be behaving this way. It’s really unhealthy and solves nothing. I can’t imagine your frustration.

    I think your desire to move out is warranted & quite possibly a good solution for the time being. It might be helpful to have some time and space in between you. Giving everyone some time to reflect and consider past behaviors.

    Have you ever asked them to participate in counseling with you? I’m not sure if they would be open to it or not, but it’s worth a shot.
    It is hard to have these feelings about parents or family members. The ones who loved us first and helped shape us into who we have become. It can feel strange to have such adult conversations… especially when the conversations are about the pain we have endured by their behavior.

    I commend you for coming as far as you have. You should be proud of yourself for recognizing your need for boundaries. There is nothing wrong with setting expectations/boundaries and even addressing crossed boundaries with consequences of your choosing. You have to do what feels right for you own mental health and stability. Though, with that being said, it certainly is not always an easy road.

    Please know, we are always here to support you on whatever path you might take. Wishing you love and happiness!

    Best,
    Sarahj

  41. zelda Day Captain

    Welcome back, music! Thank you for confiding in us. I admire your courage; it takes a lot of strength to write out our problems, and then post our story online.

    When I was reading through your situation, it reminded me so much of my in-laws. My husband’s parents react very similarly, and our former marriage counselor believed they were emotionally abusive, dismissive and toxic.

    For me, I chose to confront his mother and tell her how I feel. I wanted an apology. She refused to admit any wrongdoing, so I told her I would no longer have any contact with her. I haven’t texted her or called her since that conversation, and I haven’t talked to his father either.

    I know I will see them again, but I will be in charge of whether or not I talk to them. Until I get the sincere apology I deserve, I refuse to entertain them anymore.

    I understand your situation is different because they are your parents, and you live with them. It’s so, so much tougher to set boundaries. Right now, you live under their roof, and you rely on them. Not to mention, they are your family. They are the people who brought you into the world and raised you. It’s an unfair situation for you to grapple.

    Do you have a therapist you see regularly?

    Would it be possible to room with a close friend, even if just for a month or two?

    Space would really help, in my opinion. You would have your freedom to express yourself without fear of backlash. And your parents would have the time to reflect on themselves as both individuals + parents. Sometimes, drastic changes need to be made in order to get the point across.

    I hope my advice does not sound condescending or ignorant. I do not know your predicament because I’m not you, and I’ll never understand because I don’t have your life or your parents.

    But I do know my family and my husband’s family, and I do understand emotional abuse. For me, space is what I needed. I hope you can get the space you both need and deserve.

    You are a beautiful person, and you are worthy of respect and consideration. Your feelings and thoughts will always have value. I hope your parents are able to see that one day.

    Please come back again to share anytime. Have a great rest of the weekend, and we hope to hear from you again soon.