An argument with my mom

An argument with my mom

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I know I usually post on Fridays, but I just had to post tonight (Wednesday).

Earlier tonight a wave of anxiety and fear crippled me so strongly that I cried in the bathroom for a good chunk of time. I told my mom about the incident and I compared it to the part of the Bible where the prophet Elijah goes through the series of storms and doesn’t feel God’s presence. She then started correcting me because apparently I misquoted the Bible and I got mad because she was supposed to be focused on me suffering earlier and not on how I quote the Bible. Usually when my mom misunderstands me, I get annoyed but I can move on. But tonight I couldn’t. I snapped at her, and then a loud argument ensued. It is partially my fault for getting so mad at her, and I know I should accept when people in general don’t understand me and when things don’t go my way, but I wish that my mom could better understand when I am genuinely hurting and simply just need someone to listen or read my mind and say exactly what I eat them to say (I know that’s not realistic but I don’t care I’m venting).

My mom told me that she is sorry about what happened but she expects me to be a little more mature and strong enough to handle this on my own. Being at home away from most of my friends and unemployed has broken me. I am NOT mature. I can be VERY emotionally unstable. I wish that I could swallow my pride and be stronger, but I don’t think I can anymore. I’ve been in a dark place for a while now, and I think it’s time that I stopped hiding it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also can’t stop hiding my feelings and I have to face my issues and share my thoughts even if it makes the other person confused or uncomfortable.

I am a 23 year old man, so I should be more mature and emotionally stable. But I’m not, and I hope that my mom will realize that and accept that. I also hope that I will stop getting so angry every time she misunderstands me or when I get rejected for a job offer AGAIN or when things don’t go my way for the 1000th time.


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22 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hey Colton,

    I’m really sorry that your mom wasn’t very understanding when you were trying to express your feelings to her. It can feel super invalidating and disappointing when someone corrects you or dismisses what you are saying, especially when it has taken a lot of courage for you to share your emotions with them in the first place. I can certainly understand why that would make your frustrated and even angry and emotional.

    It seems like you’ve really been doing a lot of soul searching, and I think it’s great that you’ve decided you want to be more forthright about your emotions and stop hiding them- that shows serious growth. I do want to caution you from certain cognitive traps and certain language that tends to keep us a negative pattern. For instance you said “I am a 23 year old man, so I should be more mature and emotionally stable” – there is “emotional stability model” or tool that we can use to measure our own emotions, because we are different, and all have different experiences. Don’t compare where you are to where you think you “should” be. Instead try to focus on the progress you’ve made. You have gotten much better at expressing your emotions, and articulating why you are feeling certain things. I see your responses to other people’s stories, and think you are a very kind, insightful, and supportive person. I also think it’s great that you are reaching out to others and telling them about your trauma. I’m sorry it isn’t being as well received as we might hope, but I still think you should know that I think you are making great strides. Try to be patient with your mom, and if you can explain to her why her reaction is hurtful – writing things down before I talk about them really helps me to get my ideas in order.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

    Stay

  2. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Colton,

    First, I’m sorry your mom didn’t focus on your pain and instead decided to pick apart how you quoted the Bible, but it sounds like she didn’t know how to react to what you were saying so she started nitpicking on something else to change the subject. I’m not defending her, but I think she was just uncomfortable with the situation. That doesn’t excuse her from empathizing (or not) with you, though.

    I don’t think it’s that unrealistic to wish people would just listen and let you vent. I think maybe you need to tell your mom that… But I don’t know your relationship with her, so you should definitely do what you think is right. As for not being mature, I think it’s really mature that you are using us as an outlet. It’s really hard when you feel closed off from the outside world, but I promise things will get better. It’s so helpful that you at least recognize the state you’re in, and you want to change it.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Your feelings are valid. Stay strong!

    Marissa

  3. Jess Volunteer

    I’m sorry that your mom invalidated and would not recognize your feelings. Having moments where you snap always feels so immature, but it’s completely normal. Everyone has bad days and snaps occasionally. That doesn’t mean you are immature. Your 20s are hard… I should know, I’m also in my 20s. It’s totally normal to have these “growing pains” where you feel so completely immature to be the age you are. You’re still learning, and that is okay. Just keep moving one step at a time.

    I’m glad that you’re coming here to a safe space to vent. You know we are always here if you need anything. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  4. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Colton,

    I thought I should have been mature when I was 23. Really, I was still incredibly young and had a right to not be completely grown up. You are learning, experimenting and trying to figure out your life. Your friends will still be your friends. And it’s completely normal to be unemployed at 23. The 20s, really any age too an extent, but especially the 20s are for experimenting and figuring out where you belong. No need to put a ton of pressure on yourself. And your mom is your ally in this process. You seem intuitive, which is a major sign of emotional maturity. So maybe try this, next time you feel your emotions rising inside you, pause before you are about to snap at your mom. Think about why you are angry for just a split and see if that helps. I love how you continue to come back to us. You are obviously growing and progressive. We are always here for you!- Ryan

  5. Mindfully Em Volunteer

    It’s understandable that you snapped at your mom, it sounds like there’s been a lot on your plate. It’s great your venting in a safe place, and we’re here for you when you need us.

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I’m so sorry things with your mom are bad. Just remember to breath. When you feel like you are about to get into an argument with your mom just take a deep breath. It does’t matter how old you are. Everyone can be immature at times. You mom ignoring your feelings is also immature. Don’t worry about being unemployed, you will find the right job soon. If you need anything, we are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  7. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there ,
    I’m sorry to hear about the argument with your mom , know that it’s okay to get over heated sometimes and snap, it happens to the best of us. Maybe next time if things start to get heated take a deep breath and count to three and if you’re still upset I would try to walk away before it gets too bad. I hope to hear from you soon thank you for sharing with us like always.

    -Brianna

  8. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello, friend!

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry you’re having so much anxiety from being at home and being away from your friends. It sounds like things are getting really overwhelming at home, especially with your mom not being supportive in the ways you need her to be, or having expectations of you that, at least right now, are difficult for you to meet because of things that are out of your control. I’m really glad that you reached out to us to talk about what’s been going on; it takes incredible strength and bravery to reach out for help when we’re feeling vulnerable and scared. I’m wondering if you’ve thought about talking to a therapist about the things that are going on, whether it’s about your mom, your anxiety, finding a job, or whatever it may be. Many people find it helpful to talk to a professional who helps them understand and process events and emotions, and although it can be scary at first to reach out to someone for help, I know you can do it. You’ve already one it once by reaching out to us!

    One last thing: just because you’re a 23 year old man doesn’t mean that what you’re going through makes you weak or less deserving of support and care. Society tends to teach us that men are not supposed to show emotions like fear, anxiety, vulnerability, or insecurity. It teaches us that those are things that women feel, and that men are supposed to be strong, logical, mature, and emotionless all the time. That can hurt us as men, especially when the things we’ve experienced make us feel scared, alone, anxious, or vulnerable. Just because you’re a 23 year old man doesn’t mean that you “should be” acting a certain way; you’re just as much a man as anyone else, regardless of any fear or anxiety you may be feeling.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story, and know that we are always here to support you when you need it!

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  9. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hey there,

    I am sorry that this fight happened with your mom, and that she isn’t as understanding as you need her to be. You are always welcome here. Everyone needs to vent and let things out every once in a while. I know things seem difficult right now, but they will turn around. Stay postive, stay strong, and keep your head up. You’ve got this and we are here for you.

    Carmen

  10. Natalie M Day Captain

    hi there,

    thank you for always coming back and updating us. you are welcome to post anytime (not just Fridays)! i am sorry that all of this happened and that it left you feeling like your mom does not understand how you are feeling. I am sure that is very frustrating!! it is important to have a support system, but it is okay that she may not completely understand how you are feeling. She seems to care about you very much. It is okay to admit that you are in a dark place. It is okay to not be okay! Keep working through! You can get through this! Venting can be very helpful. Come back here anytime you need to. We have your back. Keep your head up and stay strong!

    -Natalie

  11. zoeyb

    I’m really sorry about the argument you had with your mom, that’s always hard, but all of your emotions are valid. I hope you try not to “should” so often- accepting your feelings as they come in and being kinder to yourself can be a difficult, ongoing learning process, but it matters. You are remaining so strong and I am really proud of you! Hope to hear back from you soon about how you’re feeling- you got this and we are all here for you!

  12. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry that your support system is not supporting you in the way that you wish. That can be very frustrating and make things a bit harder. It’s difficult to have someone to just listen as some are not sure of what to say in response which a result of being unaware of these situations. However, I do think you are very mature to be talking about what happened to you and trying to be open with those around you. You are reaching out and seeking comfort. That is very mature of you. I hope you find relief and assurance in these comments. We believe your feelings are true and should be acknowledged.

    Stay strong!

  13. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi colton95,

    Thank you for coming back to us to update us on your story. Its must be frustrating that your mum was focused on the bible quote rather than helping you through this tough night. It totally makes sense that you were angry, you were hoping she would be more supportive. Being able to handle this on your own doesn’t have to do with maturity. Everyone needs help sometimes no matter how old you are or how much you have been through. Everyone matures at a different pace, and it’s not your fault that sometimes you are emotionally unstable. Getting rejected from jobs is really hard especially when you know you could do really good work for the company. Something I would recommend is making a little list of small things that you would want to change to make yourself feel more mature. Little things add up and it would give you specific goals to strive for. Stay strong.

    Tyler

  14. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there ,
    I’m sorry to hear about the argument with your mom , know that it’s okay to get over heated sometimes and snap, it happens to the best of us. Maybe next time if things start to get heated take a deep breath and count to three and if you’re still upset I would try to walk away before it gets too bad. I hope to hear from you soon thank you for sharing with us like always.

    -Brianna

  15. Megan Volunteer

    Hey colton95,

    I’m sorry that you got into an argument with your mom. It can be so frustrating when you feel like people don’t understand you, especially when it’s someone who should know you pretty well like your parents. If you want to work on controlling/handling more effectively some of your emotions, I would maybe look into seeing a therapist. They’re really good at helping you understand why you do some of the things you do and how to have better behaviours and emotional responses. Just a thought if you’re interested.

    I hope things start looking up for you soon,
    Megan

  16. Graciegrace22

    Hello,

    It seems like you need support and especially from your mom and she is unable to provide that and how you need that. I just want you to know that anything that happens to you in life is not your fault. I am sorry that you were unable to get the support you needed at the time from your mom but all of here, are here to listen and support you. Best of luck.

  17. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Colton95,

    I’m sorry that you’re struggling with your mom right now. Arguments with parents who are supposed to be the very first support system in our lives can be exceptionally emotional and draining. Especially when they can be so dismissive of your emotional state. Remember that healing is a journey and it isn’t always linear. You will have good days and bad days and none of that has anything to do with you personally. We’re here for you! Please feel free to post anytime.

    All the best,
    Becca

  18. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi colton95,

    Thank you for continuing to update us. It is great to hear from you. I am sorry your mom hasn’t been more understanding. As a 24 year old, I know our early twenties feel like we should have a lot of control over our lives. But give it five or so years and you will look back on your early twenties and realize how young you really were. I mean think about how young 16 or 17 feels now. The point is that it is okay to still need to mature and grow. That will always be the case. You could be 90 and still have room to grow and mature. Do your best and take it one day at a time. Sometimes it is important to remind yourself to be patient with yourself. It doesn’t all come at one time. It’s a process. And it’s okay to feel discouraged. Just stay strong. Keep that resiliance that you have already proven that you have. In time, you will see your own progress. And it’s not easy. Especially when other people aren’t giving you the support you deserve. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  19. rkr18 Volunteer

    colton95,

    Thanks for the continued updates. I am sorry you were feeling this way and that you became angry. It’s not easy to hide pain so don’t be hard on yourself. You are healing and we all deal with things differently. Do you have someone that you can talk to when you are feeling this way? If not please check our resources to see if you can find other support. Please keep us updated and we are always here for you.
    -Marie

  20. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, colton95. I’m sorry your mom responded like that. It’s totally normal to just want emotional support instead of being corrected on a bible quote. That would make me mad too. I’m sorry she’s not there for you in the way you would like. I know at 23 you’re technically an adult, but at 30 looking back to when I was 23—I was still very immature, as were most of my peers. You don’t need to have it all figured out now. Is there anyone you can call on the phone for support? There are therapists and counselors out there too that might be helpful when you can find support you need from your mom. My therapist has been there for me when I thought I had no one else. We’re always here for you if you need help finding someone. Thanks for the update.

  21. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi colton95,
    I’m really sorry about the argument and that you’ve been in a dark place. I understand and relate to how you feel. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to make a point and the other person doesn’t acknowledge that. You deserve to be around people who listen to as well as validate your feelings.
    I think it can be difficult to accept that some people just might not understand what we’re going through. I’m still learning to accept that (in regards to my parents), and I get frustrated when they don’t understand me. You’re truly not alone when it comes to that.
    I think being away from your friends can lead to feelings of isolation. I’ve also noticed that when we’re around the same people for very long periods of time (without breaks), we notice more of their flaws and we get frustrated at a faster rate. It may help to take some time out of the day to be away from your parents – for example, if you’re still applying for jobs, you could go to a local cafe and work on your applications. I’m not saying to completely avoid your parents, but I think it could help to have some time away from them and be out in public a little bit.
    I agree with you when it comes to hiding your feelings. It’s not healthy, and it can lead to more problems. That being said, we also have to be mindful about who we share our feelings with and how we express our feelings.
    Thank you for the update. I hope you feel better soon, and you can write to us whenever you feel like it. We’re here for you, you’re strong, and you can get through this.

  22. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am sorry that you had an argument with your mom and that you’re having a tough time. You can always post here when you need-don’t feel like you have to only post on certain days. I can’t remember, but have you thought about/are you interested in seeing a therapist? That might help with venting-I know I really need it! Let us know how else we can help-we are here for you.

    Erin