I know I usually post on Fridays, but I just had to post tonight (Wednesday).
Earlier tonight a wave of anxiety and fear crippled me so strongly that I cried in the bathroom for a good chunk of time. I told my mom about the incident and I compared it to the part of the Bible where the prophet Elijah goes through the series of storms and doesn’t feel God’s presence. She then started correcting me because apparently I misquoted the Bible and I got mad because she was supposed to be focused on me suffering earlier and not on how I quote the Bible. Usually when my mom misunderstands me, I get annoyed but I can move on. But tonight I couldn’t. I snapped at her, and then a loud argument ensued. It is partially my fault for getting so mad at her, and I know I should accept when people in general don’t understand me and when things don’t go my way, but I wish that my mom could better understand when I am genuinely hurting and simply just need someone to listen or read my mind and say exactly what I eat them to say (I know that’s not realistic but I don’t care I’m venting).
My mom told me that she is sorry about what happened but she expects me to be a little more mature and strong enough to handle this on my own. Being at home away from most of my friends and unemployed has broken me. I am NOT mature. I can be VERY emotionally unstable. I wish that I could swallow my pride and be stronger, but I don’t think I can anymore. I’ve been in a dark place for a while now, and I think it’s time that I stopped hiding it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also can’t stop hiding my feelings and I have to face my issues and share my thoughts even if it makes the other person confused or uncomfortable.
I am a 23 year old man, so I should be more mature and emotionally stable. But I’m not, and I hope that my mom will realize that and accept that. I also hope that I will stop getting so angry every time she misunderstands me or when I get rejected for a job offer AGAIN or when things don’t go my way for the 1000th time.