I was 13 when it first happened. 

I was 15 the next time.

I was 16 when it happened again.

I was 13 when a boy who had bullied me for years and I unfortunately had a crush on invited me and my friend to his house. 3 boys 2 girls. For year I had been called flat, skinny, pale, ridiculed by these boys part of a whole group of people. I show up 10pm, feeling excited that this boy had finally invited me somewhere, and that I was out late. My friend had relaxed parents. 

I get to his house and change into comfy tracksuits. Starts off by one slapping my ass. Then one lying on me. I thought they found me really attractive so I was pleased finally getting this attention. They probably were horny young boys and knew I was desperate for some form of compliment. The boy whose house it was and whom I had a crush on told me he had never noticed how big my bum was. Later that night we watched a film and he touched me down there, I was fine with it. 

Later in the night we get into the places we are sleeping. Me and my friend at the top he boys on the bed. The boy comes and lies next to me. He starts touching my again trying to get into my pants, I move his hand away. Then he keeps trying, I fall asleep. I remember my dream that night so vividly. I was swimming in murky green water. I saw another human swimming toward me as I let out some air and see bubbles come from my mouth before me. I am woken up. I had been winded, my stomach hurt. I looked to the clock 7am, it had been an hour or so. He was still touching me there. 

The next day I say bye and he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I threw the tracksuits at him and quickly left his house. I told one of his friends. As suspected the whole of my year thought I was obsessed with him and somehow thought it was me who had tried it with him. I laughed it off, yet little did I know that was the start of the hollowing of my body.

A year later.

Summer. I had recently started doing drugs. I had done Xanax once before, 2 nights before this happened. 

2 days later and I do them again, these are strong everyone is very fucked. My friends parents weren’t home so there were a lot of us. I am small so drugs would affect me heavily. One thing led to another and I ended up having sex with this boy. I had recently been dumped and lost my virginity a few weeks before. That sexual encounter was fine. 

Next thing I know I am been taken into this room by a boy. He had being doing drugs for years before me. I was fine with this, not saying this. MY friend saw him push me onto the bed and slam the door then lock it. I can not remember due to the Xanax in my system. I remember him penetrating me, taking off the condom and performing other sexual acts on me. It’s all hazy. I do not remember him leaving the room, the next thing I remember it is daylight. I never found my pants. He filmed me and put me on his snapchat story looking like a grotesque zombie. People say I said something bad had happened the day after but I couldn’t remember. I went through the rest of summer oblivious to what happened playing it off as a weird night. He was always at the places I was, being rude to me, especially about my looks which I didn’t understand. He would say I was obsessed with him and I’d find it strange and just try and avoid annoying him at places.

Until the end of summer, he did something to my friend. She sat me down and another boy and they both asked me what had happened that night. I realised what had happened but I was in disbelief. The next day they decided to give him a kick in. I was informed that my friend had seen him slam the door, I vaguely remember this. After that the whole of my year knew. Everyone had an opinion, I was strong at first. Then people started to doubt me. I started to doubt myself. I texted him telling him what he did was wrong and he should ask next time. People didn’t like him for a while. I was working through my feelings. Just as I thought it was all getting better. My friends welcomed him back open arms. Do they believe me? Are they sick of my sadness? Do they care? Is it because he is rich? All these questions have haunted me for years, tearing at my brain, withering my happiness away. 

This was reinforced. A guy I was dating at the time. He was toxic. Would always say things making me question myself. He always wanted sex. I gave in often eventually enjoying it. One time I hid under the covers to say no, laughing at first. He pulled them off me. He starting going nah-uh whilst lying on top of me. I kept saying no then eventually lay there allowing him to put it in. It hurt. After that I felt empty in my stomach and sick when I saw him. I broke things off. 

That new year I was followed home by a guy asking for sex. He came onto my bus, sitting next to me, kissing my next. I was on Xanax again. I fought this time. Standing up demanding him to get off the bus. I ran to the back and burst out in tears. A man came and consoled me, giving me money for a cab. Another came and I told him the story. He didn’t know what to say. Two boys started arguing over me, one saying I was a scumbag woman, the other defending me. We all get off the bus at the same stop. I tell a man opening a shop what had happened, still in tears. He tells me to report it, I look at the men talking and I say ‘I can’t be bothered’. I almost took my life that day. Feeling ashamed of myself. 

How do I let this happen again and again? Do I act a certain way? Am I easy? Am I unlucky?

The last time something like that happened was a few months ago. I forgave the boy I dated, I felt bad, like he was hurt and I needed to fix him. We became friends. He kept asking for me back, I kept denying. One day we were all at his house. I woke up, everyone had gone, it was just me and him alone in a bed. He kept trying to put his arm around me, i kept saying no. He didn’t get it, saying ‘it’s comfortable’. I left. I told some friends, they thought it was bad. Still remained friends with him. He says he’s sorry and it was fucked, I still try and see good in him. I honestly don’t know why.

Its not the events that took place in my life which cause my intrusive thoughts. It’s all the people who know I have been violated. It’s the people I have opened up to and they have secretly doubted me behind my back. It’s me wishing I had said nothing like the first time. I am trying to find any way to heal before this catches up with me and I do end my life, cause that’s the only way I can see right now of being relieved of all this pain. 

I should be allowed to stand strong and tell people what they do is wrong, I did and look where it got me. I am not happy anymore, not constantly trying to make jokes, no longer told I am hyper. I feel insane, evil, dirty. Like a grimy soul who cant keep any friends. A girl who constantly destroys everything in her path. These boys have all got to live on and probably don’t think of what they did. They probably see me as an inconvenience tarnishing their name. But they took away my purity, they took away me. My happiness. I live in constant fear, and constantly feel like a slut and ashamed if I ever speak about it. They have caused me to question if there are cameras in my room, and if I only tell my story for sympathy, or even if I cry alone i feel this way.

I am writing this to try and get it out and maybe connect.


Join the Conversation

46 comments

  1. CSUN Volunteer A.M Volunteer

    Hi idontknowhattocallmyself,
    thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Im beyond sorry for what you had gone through just wanted to let you know none of this was your fault.You are very strong and I’m so proud of you for defending yourself .Have you even thought about what can be done to help you feel better or reduce the pain and trauma ?Feel free to reach out to us if you need additional help also under Find Help tab you can seek professional help .
    Please keep us updated
    Best of Luck
    A.M

  2. ericasarkisyan Volunteer

    Thank you so much for opening up to us about your story. I know this wasn’t easy for you to have to relive those terrors. I want you to know that nothing you did was your fault. You did not give consent to any of the boys that violated your sexual freedom. You were not asking for anything and clearly said “no”. I am so proud of you for standing your ground and defending yourself. That was wrong of your friends to not stick up for you. I know in my heart you are a good person and you are deserving of peace and happiness. we are always here to listen to you whenever you want to talk. Wishing you the absolute best.

    With love,
    Erica

  3. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi idontknowhattocallmyself,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I can’t even imagine the courage it takes to share something very personal with us.
    You did not bring any of these things to yourself. The way those boys acted are their responsibility. It’s terrible that you feel like people have secretly doubted you when you shared your story with them. You deserve to have people who believe in you. Please know that all of us here absolutely believe you, and hope that you are able to find community here. Please don’t hesitate to reach back out again if you would like to share more. Take care.

  4. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. This is a safe space, and we are here to support you anytime you need. You’re not alone. I want to say that I believe you. I have no doubts about the harm people have caused you. And you didn’t deserve any of it. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you did nothing wrong. The people who harmed you, and the people who didn’t believe you, they should be ashamed.

    It’s totally normal to react to trauma like this in the ways you’re experiencing. Have you thought about what would help you heal? Sharing here is a good first step, but there may be other things like seeing a therapist (if you aren’t already), doing something that you love, or journaling may help as well.

    Feel free to come share with us anytime! We’re here for you.
    KatherineL

  5. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hello, idontknowwhattocallmyself,
    I am sorry for all you have been through. I can’t imagine how difficult and painful all of this has been for you. It takes a lot of courage to share, so you should be proud of yourself. It is a big step to take!
    I hope you know that none of this is your fault. Those boys were completely in the wrong and what happened does not make you insane, evil, or dirty. In fact, you are strong and have more courage than any of those individuals.
    I wish that your friends had been more supportive and believed you. You have every right to feel the way you do, and it is completely normal. I know others have already mentioned the resources, but they are a great tool you can use. Also, have you thought about speaking with a therapist or a counselor? They can be someone you can talk to about all of this without any judgment or fear if you think it would be beneficial.
    You are welcome to share here at AVFTI, and we will always believe you, support you, and validate your feelings!

  6. Mary Ella Day Captain

    Hi there! I want to start out by welcoming you to AVFTI. I hope this place gives you comfort and community!

    You have gone through so much at such a young age. I understand how hard and traumatizing this can be, and I want to let you know that you are not alone. After being assaulted by people who took advantage of my powerless state, I am on the same boat as you. It is very difficult to do normal things because the trauma is there, including all the self-blame. I know it’s easy to go into that state where we start blaming ourselves, but we are all here to remind you that what happened to you was never your fault. These traumatizing events were the doings of people who wanted control and power – never ever your fault.

    I hope that you find this community comforting, and you find us as a step towards healing. It’s so important to have support, and to have support from people who understand what you are going through is amazing and could really help you heal. We are so happy you found us! You are always welcome to post here and check out all the resources we have for you. You are so strong and resilient! I know it’s difficult right now, but we are here to remind you that there is support and that you are safe here in this space. Wishing you happy holidays, and stay safe!

  7. Miguel_Sazon Volunteer

    Hello There,

    Thank you for sharing your story, it takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to relive and share your story. You came to the right place to tell your feelings and story in a safe place here at AVFTI.

    I’m so sorry for what happened to you at such a young age, it should have never happened let alone happen several times to you. None of this is your fault, they took advantage of you, and therefore non of those feeling of being insane, evil, and dirty are not true. I understand your difficulties and hardships but you should not suffer for something that isn’t your fault, you are on the right step by being able to tell your story and find a connection and because of this, you have shown a great amount of bravery. Like what the others are saying, AVFTI has a great resource page in the find help page that can help you stay on the right track of your path to healing. We really thank you for taking your time to share and I would just like you to know we are here to help and support you. Keep being brave and courageous, and please feel free to come back and give us an update whenever you want. Stay safe and stay strong!

  8. zelda Day Captain

    Hi, welcome to the platform! Thank you for sharing your story, your experience, and your truth. Your voice matters. What happened to you matters. I’m so sorry you had to go through these assaults. You didn’t deserve any of it, and absolutely none of it is your fault.

    I’m glad you found AVFTI. Another good site is After Silence, but I prefer this one because it is a lot easier to navigate, and the community is much more close-knit, in my opinion. You’ll find that a lot of people share these similar experiences, and there’s this comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Let us know if we can help you find any resources you might need. There’s a Find Help section that you may be interested in. If you need help navigating it or just want to come back to talk, you’re always welcome to, here.

    Stay safe during these crazy times, and have a happy holiday!

  9. Sailboat22

    Hello there,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry these things happened to you repetitively at such a young age. Teenage years are already complex enough with social pressures and bullying – let alone being violated and treated the way that you have been treated. You are very strong for speaking up for yourself and telling others, even if their reactions were not what you deserve. What you deserve is unwavering support and help and I hope that you feel that from all of us here at AVFTI.

    I want you to know that none of this was your fault. From personal experience, I know it can be very difficult to feel not at fault, especially when there is a repetitive pattern. But we have to be brave and stick up for ourselves – remembering that we cannot own the fault for other’s actions. If you did want to talk to someone further, AVFTI has a great list of resources under our “Find Help” page that will show you where you can talk to someone locally. Stay strong and know that we are always here for you if you want to come back and share!

  10. cindy024 Volunteer

    Hi, idontknowwhattocallmyself,
    First of all, I want to thank you for sharing with us your story! You are a strong and brave individual. This takes a lot of courage and bravery to do so! What happened to you is not fair and isn’t right. Expressing your experiences and emotions helps you a lot to ventilate and take a deep breath! I suggest/recommend checking out our resources where you can find books, crisis centers, counseling, and more to better help and assist you! You deserve to be a happy person! These three different experiences got the best from you! But not to worry because we are always here to help and assist you!

  11. jlanderos16 Volunteer

    Hey Idontknowwhattocallmyself!
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you’re such a strong/brave person to talk it out with us. First off, I’m sorry you had to experienced all this at 3 different ages, no one deserve being treated like that and everything! It’s not right for males to take advantage of you when you were on your worst days feeling emotionally weak. I believe you are with healing, and AVFTI is here to help and support you no matter what! But thank you for sharing your story!

    1. jlanderos16 Volunteer

      worth*

  12. dzreid Volunteer

    Hey there,
    To begin, I want to say thank you for trusting us with your story! It takes so much energy & strength to share, but to open up & trust, when trusting is a issue, to me, that takes courage! You have been through so much & I’m so sorry. I believe nothing is wrong with you. You didn’t do any thing or deserve any of this! I’m sorry that males took advantage of you while you’re vulnerable & emotionally weak. It is common to have the feelings that you do. They may have taken the things from you that you mentioned, but you are still here! I know it may seem like you don’t feel any worth, but believe me, you are worth healing. You deserve to stand with your head held high. You did nothing wrong! You matter to me & I care about you & what happens. I certainly can understand how trust would be an issue, but believe me, just being able to share on here is a huge step! Thanks for giving us a chance to listen to you! You deserve to be heard & believed! Take things slow, & go day to day. You deserve all the time you need to heal from all this. Maybe, you can reach out to a professional for further help. On our page ( a voice for the innocent) there is a “help” page. It is filled with suggested places, books, & other resources. You can also return here anytime to share!
    Dawn

  13. Ruby98 Volunteer

    Hi there,
    I first wanna tell you thank you for sharing your story with us. You are tremendously brave for letting us know how you feel and what has been on your mind throughout these past several years. I think you have gone through a lot , And all that pain that you’ve been feeling is definitely taking a toll on you which is completely understandable. Everyone in this community has mentioned it is not your fault, none of these experiences wherever you’re fault. Regardless if you are on drugs or any other factor that you tell yourself Just know it was not your fault. You are not dirty, a slut, evil, insane…you are NONE of those things ok. I feel you, it’s hard. This life alone can be hard sometimes and there are people out there that make it far more difficult. Have you ever explored your options in regards to talking to a professional about this ? Maybe you have or have not, I strongly suggest you explore the Find Help tab on the website. Maybe listening to podcast episode or reading a book can be of an immediate help when you are feeling down, it’s what works for me sometimes when I feel down. Don’t blame yourself for what happened, it is clear that you always made your intentions clear but these sick people never respected that. I hope you are able to find the support group that you need hear, because we will always be here to listen to you and any updates you want to share with us. You are worthy and you are loved don’t forget that. Please feel free to vent to us about anything else on your mind. I’m so sorry for how you feel lately, I empathize with you and send you so many hugs and the AVFTI community will always be here to hear you out. As others have echoed please Text VOICE to 741-741if you need immediate help. I send you positive vibes and hope you have a better week. Take care, stay safe. Please update us if you can!

  14. aegardiner Day Captain

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have gone through a lot over the years and that it is understandably taking a toll. I want to echo what our volunteers have said and that is that each and every one of these experiences that happened were not your fault. In many of the situations you described it sounds like you were a minor and could not give consent. You were also very clear about your intentions and any of the individuals who ignored that are responsible for their actions. I am so sorry that you have felt betrayed by those that you have entrusted with your most personal and intimate stories. It is not right of them to judge you or to make you feel like you are less of a person than them. Their response to you should be kindness and concern. Have you ever had a chance to connect with a therapist or counselor of any kind? I think it could be of such a benefit to you. A good therapist will help you reason through all your feelings, help you sort through your memories, and teach you how to weed out the people in your life who are not good for you and to find the ones who are. You deserve happiness and you deserve respect. Please don’t forget that! We are always here for you to share as often as you need. Writing is a wonderful of therapy and we are so happy that you are sharing and trusting us with your story! Please take care.

  15. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,
    First, I want to thank you for sharing your story with us here — it takes immense courage to share such intimate details. Second, I want you to know that the traumas you have lived through are NOT your fault, nor did you invite them to take place. I am so incredibly sorry to hear of these experiences, and I can empathize with your feelings. Please know that you are not “dirty”, “evil”, or “insane”. You have taken some major steps by sharing your story and I am sorry that those in your life haven’t made you feel supported. I hope that you continue to feel support from the community here at AVFTI and that you feel comfortable enough to continue to share your journey. Looking forward to hearing from you again. Until then — wishing you nothing but strength & good vibes.
    Talk soon,
    Sarah

  16. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi idontknow,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. AVFTI is a safe space and we are all here for you. I’m so sorry to hear that these things have happened so many times. That first boy should have stopped when you pushed him away. You never gave consent to any form of touching and you absolutely didn’t bring it on yourself. Again when you were with the guy after doing Xanax, you were under the influence of a drug and thus could not give consent. He should have realized this and realized what he was doing was wrong. You shouldn’t have to worry about people doing something like that when you are under the influence. Once you tell a guy no once, you have done enough. Really, unless you explicitly tell him yes, you haven’t given him consent. This isn’t anything to do with you. It’s not a way you act or that you are easy. What it is, is that you have unfortunately been around a lot of guys who are disrespectful and haven’t listened to your wishes. That isn’t your fault, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this so many times. I’m sorry that you feel that you are dirty, but I promise that you did nothing wrong. They were the ones who did the wrong things and you did everything you could to stop them. We are always here to talk and we have some amazing resources here if you want to talk further with someone: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ .

    Stay strong,

    T

  17. yailinrenteria Volunteer

    Hey idontknowwhattocallmyself ,
    Thank you for sharing with us. I know this might have been extremely hard for you to share, but I am glad you are able to let all your emotions out. Never blame yourself. You are not at fault for what occurred to you. I am so sorry you had to go through this multiple times in your life, no one should go through this. Here at AVFTI, you will never be slut-shamed nor will you ever feel ashamed of speaking out. Speaking out is a huge step towards the healing process, thank you for trusting us. There are many resources available to you that may help you. In the find help tab, there are many resources like counseling, books, online links and so much more. We are here to help, please do not hesitate to continue on updating us.
    Best wishes,
    Yailin

  18. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. Those people knew what they were doing was bad and it sucks to see people whom you trusted to turn on you and believe the next person. I’m glad you’re reaching out here. We want to support you in anyway that we can. You’ve been through so much and it’s obvious that you’ve been trying but feel beat down by those around you. Perhaps, we can help! If you’d like to connect, take a look at out Find Help tab or text VOICE to 741-741 and you can be connected immediately. No matter what other people say, you are strong and you are worth it! What happened to you was not at all your fault and you are not to blame for their behaviors.
    Stay strong <3

  19. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much, but please know that none of it is your fault. No matter how you act, you’re never “asking for it.” No one deserves that kind of treatment. The people that have done this to you are sick and it is no reflection on you at all. Have you considered speaking to a professional? They might be able to help you work through all of your thoughts and feelings about others and yourself. Things will get better, though! Please don’t give up! We are here for you, no matter what. Don’t forget that!

    Marissa

  20. delvecchis1 Volunteer

    You have not done anything to deserve the treatment and abuse you have endured in your life. Please keep reminding yourself of that.

    Thank you for trusting us, I am honored to connect with you and share dialogue.

    Many times, it is the aftermath of assault that is harder to deal with than the assault itself, so what you are going through makes a lot of sense. Everyday we are reminded, especially when we feel isolated and like no one is hearing us, or no one is on our side.

    I truly hope you never have to endure another second of abuse. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through.

    The “find help” tab can show you some resources if you want to start looking for other outlets. Please know that there are people out there who will love, support, help, and stand up for you. You don’t deserve anything less than friends and partners who do all of those things.

    Believe in yourself, we believe in you and your tremendous strength.

  21. musicislove

    Hi Idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, but thank you so much for trusting us with your story. I’m glad you found us and were able to open up, telling your truth is a huge step in healing. None of what happened was your fault, you were so young and were put in the worst situations, it wasn’t fair to you. None of what happened was your fault and you’re definitely not dirty or evil, you’re a person that has gone through trauma, that’s not on you. Therapy can be extremely helpful and if you are open to it, it can really help you as you work through everything you had to go through. We’re also always here for you if you want to share more, we will always support you. Stay strong, sending you hope and strength.

    Delaney

  22. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am so sorry for what happened to you. It is all too often that we hear that victims feel that they are the ones who are evil or dirty. You have had some very unfortunate experiences and it is not at all your fault. It is hard to predict how anyone should react to this and what is the appropriate path to healing. Healing is truly a process and you may find that you have some days where you’re feeling much better, but there may be days where you are feeling quite low. Please check out the ‘Find Help’ tab for links to helpful resources. Additionally, you may benefit from speaking to a therapist since it is their goal in life to help people heal. Thank you again for sharing your story with us. Feel free to come back and update us. We will always support you.

  23. lizzi

    Hi,
    Thank you so much for trusting us with this part of your story. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and the pain it has caused you. I hate that you opened up to people about what happened, only to be rejected and made to feel like they didn’t believe you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. You aren’t letting this happen. You aren’t easy. You don’t act a certain way. You aren’t unlucky. There are just awful people in the world that do things like this and it’s completely, 100% their fault. It sounds like you’re a very caring person that forgives people and cares about people, and maybe they’ve taken advantage of that. I can hear the pain in your words, and I encourage you to talk to a professional about what you’ve been through so that you can be “you” again. You are still in there, “you” can’t be taken away from yourself. But there is help available that can help you be the hyper, funny, happy person you used to be, and you deserve to feel that way again. Please know that we care about you, we believe you, and we’re here to support you. You can always reach back out and share more if you’d like.

  24. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello,

    First off, I see this is your first post. Welcome to AVFTI. We are really happy to have you here! I hope that you do feel that writing this did get it out, and that you do feel a genuine connection with the other responders and I. We are here to support you any way you can.

    I am so sorry to hear about all of these horrible experiences you endured. I hope you know that nothing that happened was your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your feelings about everything are valid. I know you mentioned that this happened again and again and you were wondering why. This is something I’ve heard before and many people here have had similar experiences with these things happening several times or by several different people. The one thing they all have in common is that none of them are at fault for these events, yourself included.

    I hope that writing these things out helps. You can also come back whenever you feel the need and write more. We are here to support you and your healing journey, and I hope you found the connection you came for.

  25. haesol Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story, we believe you and we’re here for you. I’m terribly sorry you experienced such horrific events, you didn’t and don’t deserve any of the abuse you’ve unfairly received.

    It’s absolutely none of your fault. You didn’t consent to any of those times yet those people trespassed your boundaries. It’s their fault and they should pay and repent for what they’ve done. You’re not to blame for anything that happened.

    I’m sorry your friends didn’t fully believe you and that your support system wasn’t as strong as you deserve. I hope writing it down here has helped at least a bit; I can tell you with absolutely no doubt that we believe you and that we support you. I encourage you to go under the “FIND HELP” tab to find more resources, and to come here and share again if you ever need to.

    You deserve to heal from this and you will; you’re taking such a huge and brave step by sharing your story now, you should be proud of that. Healing is different for everyone and it’s not always linear, it’s okay if there are bad days because that doesn’t mean you’re stuck or not making progress, it’s just a bump along the way. Have you considered talking to a professional about it? it’s a big decision to make so don’t feel pressured about it, take things at your own pace.

    I hope you’re safe now and that things get better for you really soon, you deserve it. Reach out if you need anything!

  26. AlisonDKaufman

    Hello:

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting. I am truly sorry you have gone through so many scary experiences, you do not deserve that and it is certainly not your fault. We are here to support you and we also have plenty of resources close to you to consider seeing professional support. You may find the peace you so deserve. Please visit us again, as we want to hear from you and support you.

    Sincerely,
    Alison

  27. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thank you for taking the time and the courage to share your experiences with us. I’m so sorry that you had to go through those experiences, and I want to reiterate that none of it was your fault. You deserve to be believed and give voice to what you experienced. I hope some of the replies to your story have brought you comfort, and I want you to know that you are always welcome here. We are here to listen to you and support you. I hope the upcoming days and weeks get better for you, and please reach out if you need anything!

  28. alexiswilliams

    idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    I am sincerely sorry that you endured these things. You did not deserve this, you feelings are valid, and you deserve to feel safe. I am proud of you for seeking support through this outlet. We are here for you, this is a safe space. Something that may help you to process your emotions is to write. Perhaps journaling about your experiences and feelings will help you comprehend the trauma and heal.

    Sending love, hope, and healing,
    Lex

  29. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming to share your story with us. I am so sorry for what has happened. You didn’t deserve this, and this was not your fault. I have been victimized multiple times-for some part of my life, I definitely wondered if there was something wrong with me. I’m here to tell you that there isn’t. It isn’t about you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever been to a therapist or counselor to talk through some of this? That really helped me deal with what happened and relieve the shame I felt. It may help you, too.

    Erin

  30. Elvia29 Volunteer

    Hi idon’tknowwhattocallmyself,
    I am so sorry this happen to you. This was not your fault you didn’t do anything wrong. You are not easy or dirty. Don’t make yourself feel worthless because you are not. You are an incredible woman and don’t forget that. You are worth a lot. You are brave for sharing your story with us. Remember you are not alone we are here for you with anything you need help with. Hope to hear from you again. I hope everything starts getting better for you from now on. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    Best of luck,
    Elvia

  31. candyappleb Day Captain

    Hi Idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    First of all, I am so sorry for all of the hardships and abuse you have endured. None of what happened to you was your fault. I understand how it is sometimes easier to blame yourself, but you are not at fault. You are very brave about coming here to share your story. Please feel free to reach out anytime. We believe you, we support you and we would love to support you in any way that we can. I would also recommend browsing through our resource tab. We have many wonderful organizations available that may be local and able to offer additional support as you begin to share your story. Also please remember that if you are ever in crisis you can text VOICE to 741741 and be connected with our crisis helpline. Someone will be able to listen and offer support right away. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  32. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, idontknowwhattocallmyself-

    You were brave to share your story here with us. It is positive that you found this to be a safe place to share your feelings. The greatest part of this is that your strength will be seen by others and may assist them to tell their story and begin healing.

    You did not deserve any of this to happen to you, but do deserve safety and solid ground. It is normal to feel the way you do after what happened. Your feelings are valid and we are here to support you. I echo many of the other supporters below- it sounds like you have not been heard in a long time and we are here today, hearing you and your story, and we believe you. We want to know the truth and how you view what happened… then be a place to offer you space to heal.

    Keeping fighting the good fight. We are here for you along the way-

    Take care,
    Adrian

  33. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey

    I am glad you found us and sharing your story takes a lot of courage. It’s hard, to tell the truth especially when you have been invalidated in the past. YOur feelings are valid. You can reach out to us any time and we are always here for you. Please take care of yourself.

  34. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    I’m very glad you found us and were able to share your story. You’ve done nothing to deserve what these people have done to you, and you do deserve to feel safe and heard. We believe you. It’s hard to tell your truth, especially when you’ve been invalidated in the past. Your feelings are valid.

    You also aren’t alone. There’s a lot of survivors on this site who have similar feelings and experiences that you do. We’re here to help support you through your healing journey. We have some helpful resources in our “Find Help” tab; take a look and see if anything resonates with you! I also highly recommend the Crisis Text Line for when you’re feeling especially low and alone. You can text VOICE to 741-741 at any time, and they’ll connect you with a volunteer that you can also talk to. One of my friends is a volunteer, and there are a lot of exceptional souls over there!

    Of course, you can also reach out to us any time. We’re always here for you. You are so powerful for sharing your story. Be patient with yourself as you process and heal.

  35. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    I am so sorry that this all happened to you. As many others have said, none of this is your fault. You didn’t bring this on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Those who hurt you are the ones who are responsible for those actions, not you. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Shame on anyone who fails to treat you that way. I’m really sorry that not everyone you have reached out to has been supportive. Just know that your feelings are valid and you have every right to have your stories heard. We believe you. You are not insane, dirty, or evil. And you are certainly alone anymore. You are brave and strong. Please let us know how else we can help.

  36. colton95 Volunteer

    Thank you for being brave and sharing your story on here. You did not deserve to go through anything that you unfortunately had to go through, and you should not be living in fear or shame. You deserve to be happy, and I hope that one day you will be able to find happiness again and that you will be able to find people who will genuinely care about you and listen to you. I hope that you will stay safe and positive!

  37. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,
    I’m so sorry that these things happened. None of this is not your fault. You are strong and so brave. I know telling your story here can be hard, but you did it and that is great. This is a great way to help you recover. I’m sorry that you have told people, but they didn’t help. They should have listened and wanted to help you more. You are not alone anymore, we are here for you. If you feel like you have thoughts of suicide or self harm you can write back here or text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help. I know you are hurting right now, but taking your life will not make things better. People do love you and care about you.
    You have no reason to feel insane, evil, or dirty because like I said before none of this is your fault. The boys who did this to you should feel that way because they are the ones who hurt you and did something extremely wrong. You are not easy. This can sadly happen to anyone, but you found a great platform here at AVFTI and we all understand/know how you are feeling. When you said that people don’t see you being hyper anymore. I was told the same thing. I felt lost because I was hurting and I didn’t get my hyper back until I wrote my story on here. I also ended up seeing a therapist, which is very helpful in terms of recovering. If you need help finding a therapist (if you want one) you can use the find help tab on the top right of this page.
    Again I’m so sorry that this happened to you. We are here for you if you need anything. You are always welcomed to write back and share anything that you want. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with us. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  38. ZJC9753 Volunteer

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    You are so strong, you have survived so much abuse and I am so so sorry. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, we believe you and we are here for you. You did nothing wrong the people who were wrong were the people who hurt you. Nothing that you did caused these things to happen. You did not let anything happen and you do not deserve any blame. A lot of people blame themselves after somebody harms them but I promise you that none of what happened was your fault and you do not deserve and shame or guilt. You are not insane, evil, dirty, grimy, or a slut. You are strong and courageous. It takes so much strength and courage to talk about what happened and to seek support. We will always be here to listen to you and support you so please come back and share with us whenever you would like to. You are so very brave.

  39. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi idontknowwhattocallmyself,
    You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and none of it was your fault. You’re not evil, insane, dirty, or a slut. You’re not an inconvenience for sharing your story. There’s this one quote I tend to remember whenever I feel bad about telling my story, and it is this: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” It applies to us survivors. This occurred at the hands of other people, and you don’t deserve to bear any shame for what they did. I know it can be hard. We tend to blame ourselves for what happened, but it is important to know that this wasn’t your fault. You didn’t let this happen to you; these people took advantage of you. To answer your questions in the title, you didn’t bring this onto yourself, and what happened to you counts. What happened to you matters, and your feelings are valid.
    I wish the people you opened up to didn’t doubt you. That doubt can make it difficult to keep talking about what happened, which is why I’m so glad you shared your story here. Your story matters, and you matter. I empathize with you when it comes to feeling so much pain that it feels easier to end everything. I’m here to say that you can have a life in which you feel fulfilled and happy. It is possible. You deserve to stay and have the chance to experience it. If you can, I recommend speaking to a therapist in order to process how you’re feeling.
    Thank you for sharing your story. We’re here to support you in any way we can, so please reach out whenever you need anything. This is a safe space, and we won’t judge you. I hope you’re doing okay, and we’re rooting for you.

  40. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey there idontknowwhattocallmyself,

    Thank you for coming here and bravely sharing with us. I am so sorry you had these experiences. None of them were your fault, and I’m sorry you’re feeling betrayed by the people you confided in. We believe you and your story. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a slut, you’re not dirty, you’re not easy. You were taken advantage of, and that’s not your fault. You’re so strong for continuing on with your life and you are brave for sharing your story with others. I’m sorry that they failed to support you and be there for you, in the way that you deserve. How have you been coping? What can we do to help support you? I recommend exploring our Find Help tab and we are always here to connect if you’d like to share more about how you are doing. We care about you, and we are here for you. Keep your chin up and stay strong. Things will get better.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  41. ryannlashea Day Captain

    Hi, I am so sorry that you went through this. I want to say first and foremost, that we are so proud of you for trusting us with your story. That takes a lot of courage. We are all here for you and support you. Your feelings are valid and common, but you did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. You are strong and brave. Have you considered talking to a counselor? It could help you find a healthy way to cope and process your emotions. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.

  42. mothflame679 Volunteer

    I am sorry that you went through all of that. It is strong of you to share your story and I am proud of you for sharing. If you ever need help you can find some resources under the find help tab. I know that dealing with so much is difficult and I want to remind you that you are strong. Those things that happened to you were not right. No one deserves to have to deal with that. You were not wrong to speak out about the things that happened to you. I can relate to your story in the feelings that you are going through. I want you to know that we are all here for you and want to offer help and a listening ear.

  43. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for speaking up about happened and sharing your story with us, that shows tremendous strength and courage. You’ve been resilient through so much even though it’s not fair you’ve had to be. We believe you, and what happened to you was not your fault. I’m sorry that the people in your life have doubted you and haven’t given you the support you deserve. That must have been devastating, and you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. Reaching out here was the insightful and smart thing to do, and you show a real self awareness in the way you’re able to describe your feelings so clearly. It sounds like you’re in a painful place and you deserve to have some peace and feel like that happy girl again. Please know that we are here for you, and if the intrusive thoughts ever get too overwhelming, text VOICE to 741-741 to speak to a trained counselor. You can als find some helpful resources under the “find help tab.” You are deserving and worthy of help and support when you need it and you are amazing for asking for it today.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Rachel

  44. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear idontknowwhattocallmyself ,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. It takes a lot of courage to tell a goup of strangers something so personal. We believe you and we can hold your sadness. This is a safe space and we are here for you. You are allowed to stand strong. You are allowed to speak your truth. It may not always be easy though and it helps to have support. Our Find Help tab has some wonderful resources that you may find useful. If you are in a moment of crisis, you an text VOICE to 741-741 to be anonymously connected to a trained counselor for free 24/7. Another wonderful resource specifically for those affected by sexual assault/abuse is RAINN. They have a hotline (1-800-656-4673) and a web-chat (www.rainn.org). You are welcome to write to us as often as you would like and, please, let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I hope that being able to tell your story is the beginning of your healing journey.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  45. Solongago Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. What happened when you were 13 and 15, and 16 wasn’t your fault. Perhaps what happened when you were 15 and 16 wouldn’t have happened if what happened when you were 13 never did. We will never know. We can’t go back and change it. But at 13 we are below the age of consent because we are not capable of making decisions that can have lasting repercussions. After having something happen to you that never should have, it opened the door to all sorts of thoughts and feelings about yourself and the world around you, that you really did not have any support with. I am sorry that your parents were unavailable to protect you for the incident and to give you the support after the fact that might have made all the difference. I am sorry that you had to find relief using drugs that made you even more vulnerable.

    I hear a lot of uncertainty in your story, and blaming, particularly of yourself. I think it would be very helpful for you to work through these thoughts and feelings with a therapist who is experienced with trauma victims. If you need to find someone, there is a FIND HELP button above that has many resources. You can certainly continue to write to us here as well. I just think that one on one with someone can be very powerful and helpful. You deserve to be heard, to be believed, to be safe, to be able to trust people that are trustworthy and build good relationships.