Sometimes I think I deserve all the pain and hurtful things said, and. were to me.

I wanted to be loved, and I certainly am lacking that.

My mother cussed and literally through my friend out the house, now he is afraid to be seen with me, and yet she somehow told many people I was close to that cause I didn’t run, I must have liked it, so now they all have condemned me to hell, making me out to some monster, I just wish I was normal, instead of some freak that so many have labeled me as, again I got to know am I some sort of freak, like I feel like I am?


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26 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry this happened. It is good to hear back from you. I wish things were better for you in this update. You are not a freak. The way your mother is treating you is not okay. Lying to her friends about you is not what good mothers would do. Throwing your friend out also isn’t okay either. I’m sorry that these things have happened. Keep your head up. Things will get better.
    -Alyssa

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    You never deserve to be hurt and none of the things those people have said are true. You deserve to be loved and respected. Your mother is wrong to say that you liked it, that’s not okay of her to assume. You are not a freak. You have to remember that none of what happened was your fault. Are you talking to someone about what happened? We have some really great resources here if you want to find someone to work with! https://avfti.wpengine.com/help/

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  3. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi focus!
    I don’t think of you as a “freak” It’s not right or fair that what happened has caused others to make you feel & believe these thoughts you have. I am glad that you can find refuge on here. I believe in you & certainly don’t think any less of you! People do & say things all the time because they often are scared themselves of something, or they really don’t know how to respond in a supportive, healthy way. I hope you know on here, you will find support, care, & encouragement! I am sad to hear how these people in your life have chosen to make you feel less of a person. No matter what the circumstances, no one deserves to be abused, or sexually assaulted. I hope you can gain strength, & be encouraged beyond measures! Keep on keeping on! You are stronger than you believe! You have a story to be told & deserve to be heard!
    Dawn

  4. meg Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for confiding in us with your feelings and story. I am so sorry to hear that you feel as though you deserve pain. I want you to know that you absolutely do not and did not deserve anything that has been done or said to you. Those hurtful and traumatic things do not define who you are. You are loved. You are so brave to share with us. Believe that it will get better. You are on the path to healing! You are incredible and AVFTI is here for you.
    —Meg

  5. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi Focus 1968
    I want to say you do not deserve any of the hurtful things that are aid you, done to you or the pain you feel. No one does and It is awful you are feeling that way but I understand that it hurts. I am sorry for how you mom behaved and what she had said. You are not a monster. You have a beauitful soul. I appreicate that you come and share your stories with us. Your are worth so much. You are not a freak and never have or will be. Things can be rough at times but as you know you have a home here and we are always here with open arms. You are loved and I honestly believe things will get better. Please know we care.

    Kristin

  6. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hey focus.1968,

    I would like to tell you that you most certainly do not deserve all of this. Also, you are loved. You deserve love and so much more. You are worth so so much! I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not a freak or anything else negative that has been said about you. You are the most perfect version of you that there is! And I wouldn’t change that for anything. You are a valued member of the AVFTI community, and I am so glad you are a part of it. Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts and feelings. Please come back and share with us again or let us know how we can support you.

    Sending lots of hope and love,
    -Natalie

  7. myazojo Volunteer

    I am so sorry you are going through these feelings. You are not a freak. You are loved and worth love. I don’t think you are a monster at all, you have experienced something you did not deserve, that does not make you a monster. You are normal, and loved, and supported. We believe you are supporting you and want you to know that we know you are not a freak. Feel free to update again and know we are always here to listen and believe you.

  8. Lizzi

    Hey focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry for the pain that you’ve been through. You are normal. What has happened to you is not your fault, and it’s wrong that people are making you feel like a freak. All of us here care about you and support you. If that’s what you need in life right now, we’re here. Feel free to reach out any time. Hang in there.

  9. sam Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Nothing is wrong with you, and you didn’t deserve any of the terrible things that happened to you. You are not a freak. So many people out there have felt that feeling of unworthiness and unhappiness, just like you. But you ARE loved, and things will get better, it just may take some time. Even though we don’t know physically you here at AVFTI we feel immense love for you and empathy for what you are going through. Stay strong and continue to reach out!

  10. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry this is happening to you! You didn’t deserve this at all and it’s definitely frustrating to get the reactions like so from people you would expect to be supportive. I hope that you find these comments reassuring in the sense that you are not at fault here and we are supporting you. What happened to you is only something you can feel and no one else; therefore, your pain is real and no one can tell you what you felt in that moment and every moment to follow.
    Stay strong <3

  11. Stellablue Volunteer

    focus.1968,
    Thank you for being brave and sharing your feelings, I am very sorry you are feeling this way. No one deserves to feel unloved. Just remember there is a whole community here to support you! You are not a freak at all! Everyone responds to situations differently, it does not mean you deserved or liked what happened to you. I am sorry people you are close to make you feel like a monster. That is not ok and you deserve to have a safe, loving environment around you. Keep positive and remember you are so much more than what happened to you and what others around you say. Sending virtual hugs your way (or high fives if you’re not a hugger)!

  12. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello focus.1968,

    As a human being, you have the right to be treated with respect. It’s not okay that your mother used foul language and forced your friend to leave the house; I’m sorry that her actions have caused him to feel hesitant to come around. I don’t believe that you are a freak or a monster. Not running or fighting back doesn’t automatically mean that someone enjoyed the sexual violence inflicted upon them.

    Ashley

  13. rkr18 Volunteer

    Focus.1968,

    I am so sorry you are feeling that way. You do not deserve the pain and hurt. And you are not a freak. Sometimes the best thing is to leave the people behind who have this idea of us and find people that see you for who you are. A person that deserves love kindness and happiness. We are all unique and special in our own way. Please know that we are always here for you.
    -Stay strong Marie

  14. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there focus.1968,

    We all want to be loved. And it is normal to feel you may deserve the pain and hurt sometimes. Our brains can play tricks on us as it tries to process all that has happened in our lives. You are not a monster or a freak though. You are working through this, one step at a time – one day at a time. And that is all we can do. Please remember we are here for you, however we may be able to help. Keep on fighting,

    Sending light,
    SFM

  15. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968.

    I wonder if you are 1968 because that is the year you were born? I was born in ’68, that is why I wonder. Please believe me that you do not deserve all the pain and hurtful things said. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do too. I think it is just easier to blame ourselves and to believe that there is something defective about us that caused folks nearest to us to do what they did, than to accept what we need to accept about them.

    When someone experiences sexual violence, and someone blame them for their actions, who is abnormal? The victim? Or the person blaming the victim? Your mother’s job was to protect you, and she failed to do that. Now she is defensive and blaming you. When we are young and totally dependent on our mother, our brains sometimes, for pure survival, makes it impossible for us to see flaws in our parents, and to take blame for stuff because the alternative, to know that our parents cannot or will not protect us, is shattering. It is NORMAL for our brains to try to protect us, and to sometimes protect us in ways that no longer is helpful.

    You are not a freak. You are a unique individual. We all are. There is no normal, because there are no two people with the same genetic make up and the same experiences that shape us, the same personality traits. We, survivors, just want to be normal — that’s normal for us. Have you ever watched the old Stepford Wives movie? Where all the woman are wearing their princess dresses and saying the same stupid nothings? If we were normal, then the world would be an incredibly boring place. Thank God there is no normal. I think we try so hard to fit in, to not be found out, to appear normal. It is exhausting.

    You are you. You are enough. You are special. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to be loved: cared for, nurtured, protected, cherished.

  16. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Nobody deserves to be caused pain and have hurtful things said to them. You deserve to be loved, just like anyone. It’s terrible that it seems like a lot of people in your life are making you out to be a bad person.

  17. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,

    You are not a monster, or a freak, I’m sorry there are people in your life making you feel this way. You don’t deserve people who make you feel like this, and if they don’t respect you, then they don’t deserve to have someone as kind as you in their lives. You didn’t deserve any of the abuse that happened to you and none of this is your fault. You are very strong for making it through everything you did and also strong for putting up with these negative people in your lives. We are always here to support you any way you can! This website also features tons of great resources that could be beneficial. Thank you for coming by and I hope our responses can help you through this difficult time 🙂

  18. musicislove

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m sorry for what happened with your friend and mom and that you’ve gotten so much backlash because of it. That’s not fair to you. You are not a freak though. We’re always here for you, please come back and share whenever you want to.

    Delaney

  19. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    You are not a freak and know that you are not a outcast. Please let us know if you need anything we are here for you and appreciate you for who you are. I am sorry that you being mistreated you absolutely do not deserve that.

  20. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hey Focus.1968,

    You are absolutely NOT a freak, but you’re not alone in feeling like an outcast. Please know that we are here for you and appreciate you for exactly who you are. I’m sorry that you’re being mistreated, you absolutely do not deserve that.

    KatherineL

  21. colton95 Volunteer

    You do NOT deserve any of the pain and abuse you are experiencing right now. You deserve to be loved properly and I hope that you will be able I find someone soon who will see you and care for you the way you should be: with unconditional love and kindness. No one is normal, in my opinion. I stopped trying to be normal a long time ago and I embraced my differences from others. Please continue to stay strong and love yourself!

  22. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there focus.1968,

    You never deserve the hurt that others put on you. We’re here to support you and believe you. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced these traumatic actions, and you are absolutely normal. Normal is relative! We all are experiencing our own realities, and the way that you’re experiencing yours is valid. You are not alone. You’re always welcome to reach out to us! There’s also a delightful resource that I like to plug: it’s the Crisis Text Line, and you can contact them any time you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed. If you text VOICE to 741-741, they’ll connect you with someone trained in sexual trauma. They’re a great resource to put in your healing toolbox.

    Sending lots of positivity your way.

  23. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, focus.1968. Glad you came back. You don’t deserve this pain. You’re not a freak or a monster. I’m sorry that people said and did those things to you. You deserve to be loved. I’m sorry your mother treated you that way. I don’t like the term “normal,” but abuse of all kinds happens to a LOT of people. You’re not alone.

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. You don’t deserve the pain you have experienced, and you are not a freak. I am sorry that your mother is being so harmful to you again. Please come back to share whenever you need.

    Erin

  25. Jess Volunteer

    I’m so sorry that your mother is treating you and your friends that way. You don’t deserve for her to be saying those things about you or yelling at your friends in that way. What she’s saying is not true. You absolutely do not deserve the pain and hurtful comments. The freeze response happens and it isn’t fair to condemn you for it. It absolutely does not mean that you like what happened in any manner.

    Is there any way you can reach out to your friends and express what your mom is doing? Is there someone you can talk to? If you need anything at all, we are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  26. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    You’re definitely not a freak, and you don’t deserve any of the pain you’ve experienced. It’s terrible that your mom is saying such horrible things about you and scaring your friends away. What she’s saying is not true. You are not at fault for what happened, and you didn’t deserve what happened to you. Most people know about the fight or flight responses during stressful/traumatic situations. There are actually more responses to trauma. The freeze response (formally known as tonic immobility) is not talked about as much, but it is common. it is our body’s way of automatically protecting us when we feel overpowered (and can’t fight) and when we’re not far away enough to flee. Freezing is a valid response to trauma, and it does not mean you liked what happened.
    Is there any way you can reach out to these people and talk about what your mom is doing/explain how you feel about the situation? Sometimes reaching out can clear up misunderstandings. If these people don’t support you, then it may be better to distance yourself.
    Thank you for the update. We’re here to support you, so please write back if you need anything. You are loved here.